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NIK, thanks and I will remember.

The day in the pool was great. Swat caught me off guard though. We were sitting in the pool watching the kids. He asked me if I would be packing that swim suit for vacation. With everything that happened this last week, I forgot about the trip. Me going is a new development. It was originally a trip for the kids and him. (We were going to split the two vacations between us) I asked if he was sure because this is still very new. He said he is in it to win it, so he was 100% percent sure. We are leaving on Saturday and I need to get my behind in gear to go.

Load the kids in the car this morning and head to the mall. New summer clothes for everyone, my treat. Fun was had by all, until two hours ago. Were eating lunch and I look into the booth next to us. AP's sister is there with some friends, some of who I know, and I am getting the death stare. I asked for the bill and had to wait for a few minutes. The entire time I can see hear pointing at me and talking to her friends. I only heard the emphasized words "slut, f'ing whore, bitch" and so on.

I'm pissed at myself, I'm embarrassed and hurt for my BS. So I'm sitting here at the mall and I don't think the kids understood what happened. I called Swat and told him. He asked me if I was alright. Me, I'm worried about him. He says he will meet us and he comes to the mall. Gives me a hug and a kiss and takes the boys, for "guy stuff, cause we don't do no shopping at the mall." DD is getting her hair done and her nails painted. What should have been a fun day, is now just yuck.

But I'm trying to learn from this. People know and some are going to talk about me and my affair. It will die down eventually, but is still sucks. Before I would have tried to hide seeing her or AP. But Swat said he wanted to know of any issues or contact with AP. I honestly never realized how often I could see AP or his family and friends. While this is my first encounter with his family I've had since dday. I have seen his friends around town a lot.

I'm sorry for posting every little thing. It just seems easier for me to let it all out here. I'm trying to take responsibility for my actions and decisions. But you all have helped me so much, and I just needed to vent some of the pressure.

[This message edited by SoSorry17 at 3:13 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)]

I'm sorry for posting every little thing. It just seems easier for me to let it all out here. I'm trying to take responsibility for my actions and decisions. But you all have helped me so much, and I just needed to vent some of the pressure.

You don't need to apologize - that's exactly what SI is here for. Good job on communicating with SWAT right away.

It sucks to be talked about, especially with the kids right there. Shake it off and keep your focus forward - on your path to R with SWAT and on getting everyone ready for vacation.

NIK, thanks again.

Never apologise for posting! That's what we're here for.

I'm sorry you ran into AP's sister and her friends, that sucks. But you handled it brilliantly, you really did.

Don't let them distract you from your family and your healing. Keep communicating with SWAT, work out a 'game plan' for handling encounters like that with the kids around. Make sure you're on the same page, tell him about everything. You're doing great.

I was so happy to hear y'all are working for R!!!! Definitely happy tears here too.

You handled the encounter with AP's sister really well. I have run into the AP's BW and had her curse about me in public with my kids present too. It's tough and scary. You protect the kids the best way you can and accept your consequences. Don't accept what you hear. Your behavior was despicable but that's not who you are. Keep working on becoming who you want to be and eventually people who know you as someone who has overcome adversity and improved her character.

Most of his new friends will be wearing orange jump suits with big letters on the back or maybe old fashioned horizontal black stripes on white. Really soon. You should be worried about him, but I hope the man or woman in the black robe decides s/he has had enough of his antics and gives him a long vacation, too. He'll get some healthy exercise in the yard and make lots of new friends who might find him attractive.

Glad you stayed despite what those bitches were saying. Stand up to them and they'll cave.

It may never go away completely, but I'm sure it will slow down, a lot.

In a way it's good that his current "unfortunate incarceration" has nothing to do with you, but because of his behaviour with yet another woman. It's got to become clear to others that even though you made a mistake, he is the one who is out of his mind.

So, you get two holidays this year. Way to go!

Gotta love the hypocrisy of these friends of his...as if he wasn't the other half of the equation, ya know?

Stay the course, SoSorry17. I am rooting for you and your husband.

Such a cool story. You do the right thing and call your H - and your H appears like the Cavalry to help. You are so not in this alone.

After thinking about what happened yesterday, I realized I'm going to have to get some tougher skin. I did cheat and for a very long time, I wasn't a good partner and I was a terrible wife. Swat was awesome yesterday. Here I was calling him because he said he wanted to know if there was any contact. But did a small part of me maybe want his help? When I really didn't need it. Was I seeking validation from him? I could have just left and called him on the way home. I could have just waited to get home and tell him. I spent the night thinking "Seriously, you called him because they were picking on you."

Today he is happy, it doesn't seem like he is thinking that way. Seeing him smile at me again makes me happy. I've known this man for a very long time, I've seen him be a KISA for lots of people. I don't think that is a flaw in him though. For him its more a virtue. I'm not sure that is the right word. But I see him as a warrior, a protector and a peacemaker. He has always been like that. He helps people when they need it most. He never gave me cause to question him as his actions were always above board. I see all of the little things he does to help everyone. He holds doors, he carries bags for elderly people, he mows lawns and plows snow for anyone who needs it. Never gets paid or asks for anything in return. He will be working nights and sleeping, but he wakes up to carry in the groceries. He does laundry and dishes. He isn't perfect, no one is. He has his quirks and annoying habits.

But all of that makes him the man he is. He's perfect to me and right now he is mine and if I can help it, as long as he allows it and wants to stay with me, I'm never letting him go. Does anyone else feel that way? If so why did we let it get to this? Are we really that selfish and how do you fix that kind of broken?

[This message edited by SoSorry17 at 10:57 AM, June 25th (Wednesday)]

Are we really that selfish and how do you fix that kind of broken?

Yes,

And, with LOTS of hard work.

Not a few IC sessions and we're fixed, but real, deep, soul searching work.

I started two years and some change ago, I feel like I've scratched the surface.

I've cleared away the top layer of broken, now I'm finding the deeper, more ingrained, more painful things to deal with.

I keep working to get better, to make myself healthier, safe.

I have an awareness that some of my issues are not going to go away, that I will have to remain vigilant for ever.

Start reading some books, journal, work hard. The rewards are amazing!

Really nice to hear that you were able to tell your BH what had happen at the mall. I to live in a small town and see AP in a vehicle and have to drive by his home, and I see his XW quite often too. Its har, and it sucks.

Just remember the stronger and the more you understand yourself , your why's etc. The confidence of being okay will come back.

Just remember , the happy can turn quick too , be ready, be strong for your BH he has lots of things to get through, keep going to IC, and you may find at some point your BH won't be able to hear your pain, that's okay to, its once again where you have to be strong.

Good luck and am glad to hear you are finding yourself for your family.:-) it is a great accomplishment.

Hi SS17

Reading your update is really heartwarming. I'm thrilled that he is giving you a chance at R. I'm also amazed at how much you have changed since joining SI.

Be gentle on yourself and remember it's a marathon not a race. Many people will tell you that here and it wasn't until I was about a year into this, that I truly understood the magnitude of it all. You will burn yourself out emotionally probably a million times over during this journey. You are doing awesome and very happy to see.

Once the dust settles, the real work begins. The long haul.... All that self discovery... Make sure you are taking care of yourself, eating healthy and getting exercise.

I look forward to hearing more updates and will be rooting for you guys

I hope all is going well as you prepare for your holiday.

Now that things are settling down for you two, I want you to not feel the need to regularly give us a day-by-day update. Now is the time for some privacy and freedom from the need to keep us informed.

Of course we're all still very interested in how you and SWAT are doing...we've become quite touched by your story. A nice update from time-to-time would be so nice if you get the chance.

So, I do look forward to hearing about you guys again, I hope that you are enjoying your reconciliation, and working on the issues, that updating at the board goes a little lower down the priority list. I know the board was so needed at the beginning, but it's okay to slow it down now.

Thinking of you guys often. Enjoy your family.

So I did catch a break. Today I'm kind of down and Swat sees this. I tell him I'm still a little upset over the mall incident. BH tells me to ignore AP sister, cause she was just projecting. I didn't know what he meant until he explained she is how shall it put it...a woman of loose morals. Seems she tried to "comfort" him after dday. Seems she has tried for years to get him and after we married to get him to stray. Swat said she has hinted for years that he should leave me and get with her. He even got a text from her today. She said she was sorry if her actions hurt him in any way and if he needed a shoulder to cry on she could help. She is just looking out for him because she cares about him. This growing up knowing everyone involved sucks. Swat did text her back with "No thanks, I'm with SS17 and were working things out. Besides I would rather f a grizzly bear, it would be less dangerous. I've heard way to many stories about you. Please don't contact me or my wife in any way again." She is now blocked.

I am happy and yet sad. Here I have a superstar husband, because the sister is really stunning. Light to my dark, tall and thin to my small and curvy. But he said she is an ugly person inside and I'm not. I had to thank him and walk away. I didn't want him to see me crying again. Because I know that I have been an ugly person on the inside.

If I may interject... Don't be afraid to show swat your emotions in a non manipulative fashion (very very crucial that this isnt the goal as he will sense this one mile or hundred away). But remember: vulnerability is a pillar of building bonds.

I do show him emotion. I was just a little overwhelmed. Or rather ashamed.

So SWAT has a grizzly bear fetish? Are you SURE you really want him?

Yep...I sure do.

We are currently traveling in a north easterly direction. Vacation in Maine, sun, sand and lobster. The whole family is going to this really nice rental on the ocean. Leaving this morning everyone is grinning. The kids, mom, dad, big bro, SIL, nieces and nephews. Swat was smiling more than anyone, he loves this stuff, getting 12 people together, getting them there and he is determined this will be the best vacation in the history of vacations.

I'm so freaking angry right now. I'm the biggest POS to walk the planet. I've always kind of bragged on my man. He is pretty awesome. He's smart, funny, handsome, eyes a girl can get lost in, built like an Abrams tank with some really awesome ink. He's loving, generous, protective and honest to a fault. He is also so damaged and broken and I never saw it.

He suffers from PTSD and I can honestly say I could never have survived what he has.

Last night was possibly the worse and yet best night of my life. Last night Swat told me everything that he has seen and done. Stuff I never knew about and I can barely understand.

He cried and was angry. So angry we have some new holes and property damage in the barn. He wasn't mad at me and I never felt he would hurt me. I've never seen so much pain before. I almost felt it hitting me it was that intense. Due to the recent health scare I did panic when he collapsed, but it wasn't anything to due with his health. He was just spent, he exploded like a beer can after you shake it. That was what made it the worst night.

What made it the best? He said over and over how much he loved us and how he needed me. Not the kids or my family,he said he needs ME. This mountain of a man needs little dumpy old me. He said I was his angel and he needed me. He trusted me enough to show and tell me this. He trusts me enough to be a safe place for him.

So here I am sitting on the "ladies" car driving down the road. I'm wondering if this is tmi and all. I was scared that I might not be strong enough for this. But that was fleeting and I know I am.

I'm fighting for him now, not us. I will take on all comers who try to hurt him, and that includes me.