SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She is very angry. She doesn't know if she wants to work on our relationship or not, so she's not willing (right now) to do the things generally expected at SI for a WS to do.

How the hell do we work this out when I am too hurt to move on to fix the relationship, and she may be too fed up with the pre-A relationship to care about making amends?

I think I know the answer. Just worry about me. No need to make any rash decisions right now. If she decides to end the relationship now, I'll just roll with it.

Read here and you'll see the phrase "let go of he outcome".

You are right. Work on you, you cannot control her.

Change Maker,

Let's see if I understand this. She is in parking lot of OM's house and is calling you to talk about reconciliation.

Make it simple. There is no more talk of R until you are convinced the A is over, PERIOD.

You make that decision, not her.!!!

Tell her she is free to do whatever she wants to but just not as your wife.

If you back off at all, you will be sorry. MC is a total waste of time with her attitude, and so is her idea that she will still be free to talk to OM and stay in contact because she refuses to give you total transparency.

You are in an open marriage right now, not of your choosing. But you can choose to end it whenever you want.

She gave up her options when she climbed into bed with him.

Thank you BadHurt, you are right.

I have told her, but will tell her again that I can not begin to work on what went wrong with our relationship until we take care of what I need related to this affair.

ChangeMaker,

I'd like to preface my questions with the understanding that there is no excuse for an affair. If you're unhappy, get out. Finish one thing before you start another.

That being said there are some things that I wonder about. Like some of the others I question your idea to get out and make new friends. Not because you shouldn't have friends, but because it's on the heals of other things you posted. You started off by saying you got back from a long motorcycle trip to go to a work conference. And you went on the trip because you wanted to figure out what was wrong with your relationship. I'm scratching my head at what amounts to: relationship is bad so I'll get away before I have to go away.

The other thing that strikes me is that you have been together 7 1/2 years and have two kids. You asked her to marry you a few years ago but "she" never made any plans. But you just recently found out she bought a dress and looked at venues. How could you not know these things? Buying a wedding dress is no small thing to a woman. It's not like buying flip flops. It's a big deal. I get many guys aren't interested in the whole wedding planning thing. But where were you in setting a date. Or showing interest in following through with the proposal. Maybe all that made her feel like you proposed just to pin her down but you had no real interest in actual marriage. Or her for that matter.

I'm not blaming you for the affair at all. But what I'm wondering is why you now want to save this realationship. It doesn't seem like you were all that into her. Kids are no excuse to stay in a relationship that isn't loving and nurturing. It robs her of that opportunity and it robs you too.

The analogy of putting out the fire before you look for the cause is fantastic. I wonder if your desire to save the relationship now is more about the affair than her. You might be better off taking this opportunity to exit. I think that's the question you have to ask yourself. You say you couldn't remember if you loved her, but you don't say you remember that now.

I did follow up with questions about getting married, setting dates, etc., but she didn't seem interested. She recently told me she was planning to surprise me.

I want to try to save the marriage. I don't know if it can be saved; if we can find those feelings again, but I would feel terrible if we didn't try. I won't stay in the marriage just for the kids, but I think we owe it to them to try.

I understand that she is evaluating whether she should stay in the relationship and so am I, but we can't rationally do that while an A is ongoing.

I said I wasn't sure that I ever loved her, but that was pretty close to dday. I did love her, and I do care about her. In fact, I am concerned for her sanity and health. Maybe I still love her; I don't know.

So today we had a meeting with the counsellor to discuss strategies for living in the same house while we work this out. WW says she doesn't want to stay in the house with me, and doesn't even like to be here without me.

I can't refuse her time with the kids, so the counsellor suggests a kind of rotating schedule during which we take turns tending to the children during the evenings and weekends (I'll spare you most of the details). She will sleep at her mother's house every night. This meeting ended at 2pm.

At 6:30 she texts me that she doesn't want to come to the house every weekday morning to drive the kids to school as we agreed. At first I agreed, then realized that she probably wants to be able to stay at the OM house overnight and can't make it here in the morning, so I retracted the offer saying we should just stick to the plan.

Then she tells me that she gets two days off per month and wants to sleep in, so she doesn't want to take them to daycare on those days. I told her I'm off every Friday, but I'll still have to wake up with them, so she can drive them in on her days off.

Then she asks me to change the mobile phone into her name. No chance, if there's nothing to hide, what's the difference?

She then texted back that I can take them in on Friday because I'm off (after telling me that she shouldn't have to take them in on her day off). I texted her no, let's just stick to the agreement please.

Obviously the A continues and I am plan B. I talked to a lawyer on Monday, but I will now arrange for a consult tomorrow. I've had enough. We are not married, so I can't file for D and have that, but I can have a separation agreement drawn up, separate our finances, and cancel our joint credit card. I just might cancel that mobile phone too.

Change Maker

You are doing right. Do not let her change the agreements so she can stay with OM.

Make it as painful as possible for her financially. Get a lawyer that will play hardball.

And if she wants anything in her name, let her pay for it.

She is now your enemy. I would forget about R

Thank you BadHurt. You give good advice with no bullshit. I will contact a lawyer for a consult tomorrow. I don't want to do anything that will get me in trouble down the road as we S.

(((Changemaker)))

You are doing the right thing for you. Be proud of your strength, stick to your minimum requirements and keep moving on.

Thank you norabird,

I think I'll move my posts over to the general board, since I am beyond JFO. She continues to waffle, we are not speaking, no remorse, no electronic open-ness, and I'm pretty sure the A is fully active while she's not living in the house.