SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife did not believe me when I said we could reconcile. She really didn't think she was worthy.

What I had not articulated in a way that she could understand is how much she meant to me. She was and is my savior in many different ways. I thought of her in those terms both before and after the A. But for a time I struggled to explain in a way that would give her peace of mind. She couldn't internalize her own value.

And so she tried to take her own life. It was honestly only after that she could see in my own actions how much she meant to me.

This entire thread is really about this:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=536168

You mean everything to SWAT. He is as true as they come, and you are his savior. Your peace of mind will come when you trust him.

[This message edited by redsox13 at 3:20 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)]

Partial thread jack. Sorry. What happened to OM in his most recent sentencing? Dido the judge finally grow tired,of his antics? From your posts,,he seems,to have quieted down. You don't need more headaches in your life

AP is being sentenced Friday. He took the plea bargain last week. He is still in jail until then. He pled to misdemeanor charges of DWI and Criminal contempt. The DA rolled everything into one case. He should be sentenced to time served and probation. The PO is also being extended and I was told I can keep asking for it to be extended. So if in the next five years he violates any PO again it is a felony.

So when you are alone, your mind kind of takes over and runs amok. That can't be fun.

How much of what you are thinking is based on fact? Alternatively how much of it is mind reading and guessing?

We humans are crappy mind readers. Why do you keep trusting your imagination when all it does is make you feel crappy?

Try this - next time you start feeling this way, examine the facts. No assumptions. Only things you have evidence of. Evidence tends to be short and undeniable. Mind reading tends to build on itself into more and more outrageous (and unsubstantiated) claims.

Using the wench event from before, here are a few examples of evidence and mind reading.

Evidence:

*Swat was visibly uncomfortable partaking in the wench gag.

*Swat has never given you any indication he would cheat.

*When women have approached Swat in the past, he has turned them down, in no unclear terms (re: rather f' a grizzly bear...)

Mind reading:

I hurt swat so he must want to cheat and now there are wenches right there for him to take advantage of and i just know he wants to leave me for those wenches. I just know he wants to hang out with them more, he'll probably rearrange his whole schedule. That is unless some other wench gets his attention first. He's probably talking to all of them right now! He's probably already proposed to one! They are probably planning a trip away to Vegas!

saturn. Your right and that makes so much sense. I can't control my dreams though. I'm not the best communicator and I let my anger get the best of me sometimes. Well most of the time when it comes to him. My IC said something similar to you. Don't make rash decisions based on what I feel. I have tried to not jump to conclusions and just sit back a second and think before I act or talk. My problem is I hold it in for to long and it just gets worse. Like the festival, I didn't like what was happening. I didn't want to talk about it with the kids there and I didn't want to cause a scene if we argued. So I waited several hours to talk about it. If I'm honest about it I sulked the entire time. I didn't show it but I was. So if all comes rushing out in this jumbled mess. He has not given me any indication he would cheat, but I lied and justified so much to have the affair. It is difficult for me to think he doesn't want to get even. But in my experience most people do want and try to get even. I'm projecting what I did and my past experiences on him and it isn't fair to him.

When we are together everything is alright about 75-80% of the time. The other time I'm miserable. I don't handle his triggers well and I just do and say things that make him angry. Prior to my affair he coddled me when I got jealous or was upset. He actually was probably way to supportive and nice. He sacrificed a lot of himself for me. He wanted me to be happy. I wanted the same for him, the only difference was I didn't want to sacrifice anything. It was always about me. Now he is focusing more on the kids and himself. I know why and I'm glad he is doing so. But I've had years (even prior to marriage) of being coddled and appeased, so it is still a little shocking. I'm working on making myself happy and not looking to him or anyone else.

redsox13. Yeah I get that. He has said that but I just have such a hard time believing as well. Again if our roles were reversed, I'm not sure I could handle it. My experience shows people want to get even, but he doesn't and that amazes me. Which just makes me feel unworthy. He has explained it so many times and I believe him.

He is here and he is trying. So am I. But I feel like the carpet is gonna be pulled from underneath me. Sometimes I just imagine he is gonna say he was kidding and is leaving right then. Again, I have no evidence it is just my past experiences and fears coming up.

Sometimes I just imagine he is gonna say he was kidding and is leaving right then. Again, I have no evidence it is just my past experiences and fears coming up.

I'm telling you this because I want your marriage to survive...

Your uber jealousy is going to make your imagination a reality.

You get an attitude with SWAT over imagination

You had an affair and demonized SWAT because of imagination

You still have not changed this behavior.

Where do you think it will lead if you don't fix your thought process?

The man has bent over backwards six ways to Sunday to accommodate you, even after what you did to him.

You have to let go of these selfish connotations or your marriage will end.

There was another wayward a while back I told the same thing. She didn't change...she is divorced now. Don't let that happen because even though you are on the road to recovery, that road could lead to divorce if you do not take the right direction.

My experience shows people want to get even

Very gently, only broken people want to get even. Healthy people, with good coping systems don't allow themselves to break their moral code.

I've been a BS twice now. This time I've actually tried to think about having a revenge affair. But I just can't do it. Not because I can't do it to him, but because I can't do that to myself. It isn't who I am.

And please know, that I am NOT saying that I am any "better" than anyone else. I've just spent a LOT of time working on myself and as I said, having been the BS twice, I just know that I can never do that. It wouldn't matter if George Clooney or Robert Downey, Jr. came to me tomorrow and told me that I am the love of their life. I couldn't do it.

I suspect SWAT is the same. And that is why your continued jealousy and projecting is causing him to be angry and pull away from you. That is how YOU feel, not how HE feels.

Does this make sense? I'm really not trying to 2x4 you, I'm just trying to make myself clear.

I'm rooting for you and SWAT. I have been since the beginning.

(((SoSorry17)))

"You have no right to accuse me of anything. I've not lied and done anything behind your back. I trusted you! You cheated on me, not the other way around. I can't believe that after all this you don't trust me. Sweetheart that's too f'ing ironic." Then he went to the guest room for the night.

Yeah, he took it pretty calmly, to be honest. If my cheating girlfriend ever even hinted that she thought I was cheating, I'd go through the roof.

[This message edited by capilot at 8:39 PM, July 18th (Friday)]

My experience shows people want to get even

That's a new nugget of information! Can you give examples? How far back do these experiences go?

[This message edited by saturnpatrick at 10:25 PM, July 17th (Thursday)]

If I'm honest about it I sulked the entire time. I didn't show it but I was.

This just jumped out at me because of two things

1) I am so impressed that you recognized your actions. Three months ago you wouldn't have even recognized it. Yay to you for being real with yourself.

2) You are fooling yourself if you think Swat didn't notice you sulking. You still have a ways to go on this side.

You are receiving lots of advice but I am impressed with how far you have come.

saturn. I remember the summer in had just turned 12. My parents house was like the country club for our friends and neighbors. My brother and most of his friends including Swat and sadly AP were always hanging around the pool. I was always hanging out with my friends as well. There was a 5-6 year age gap and yes, my friends and I were crushing big time. But they had girls over all the time. Swat didn't have a steady gf at the time but there was one he had said he really liked. My brother and AP had steady gf's. Swat was the only one with a summer job. He also had football practice. Typical stuff I know. Swat wasn't around as much as the others and the girl he liked took offense to it. She hit on my bro, and sadly he went with her. His gf then cheated with AP. This went on all summer and I saw the same type of behavior for several years after. Yes teenage drama. I was cheated on as well as being a cheater. Shortly after high school I got married. To young I know. We were always fighting and never really loved one another. We just kept getting caught up in each others drama. I convinced myself we could make it. Wrong, same shit different day. I file for divorce my ex sleeps with one of my friends. Her fiance then hits on me because she cheated with my ex. Again still pretty young early to mid twenties. All in the name of getting even.

After Swat and I got married, it seemed all that crazy stopped. "Were all adults now." My ex still lived in town. He also remarried to the quietest and most shy girl from high school. My best friend growing up and maid of honor got married two years after Swat and I did. She got drunk and had sex with my exh the weekend she got back from her honeymoon, seems they were sleeping together most of my first marriage. Her husband separated from her and took her back after he slept around for about six months to punish her.

During my marriage to Swat, there were times I was unhappy. Everyone has been there. But you always here that you should be happy, do what makes you happy. So starts my series of "friendships" online.

But its alright. I'm happy, but there is no sex so I'm not cheating. My brother almost had a revenge affair. My AP tried to start a EA with SIL. My brother found some texts that weren't appropriate from him. SIL down played it because they were friends. My brother didn't believe them and almost had a ONS.

It's everywhere. TV,movies, music and real life. It just seems ever where I have looked my entire life. People do the most awful things to get revenge. How many posters in JFO have expressed the desire to have a revenge affair? There is a thread for madhatters, how many of them were revenge affairs?

Wow, I'll need to draw up a chart. It sounds like SWAT's the only one in the story that hasn't cheated on someone with a friend of the BS.

How many posters in JFO have expressed the desire to have a revenge affair? There is a thread for madhatters, how many of them were revenge affairs?

Many, absolutely. I did, and people there explained to me what seems obvious now. It's not revenge. It's a separate affair that needs to be dealt with just as thoroughly as the original affair.

If he's genuinely interested in saving the marriage, though, he's already past that initial angry response. It's not something you should worry about.

Look for the small silver lining. At the ren fair, you didn't go ballistic while you were there, did you? Despite sulking and being jealous. So you did demonstrate some more self control.

His ex isn't going to jail for stalking him, so be thankful for small,favors. How would you handle being stalked by Swat's ex gf? And then thank him for his devotion when it would be way easier to bail on your marriage.

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 4:11 PM, July 19th (Saturday)]

I'm sorry you had those experiences growing up.

Two things:

First:

A child grows up in a military family and spends a lot of their childhood around military folks. The child concludes that all people are soldiers. Does that seem rational to you?

Second:

A lot of people you knew growing up cheated on each other. Except SWAT. File that in your evidence column for later use.

[This message edited by saturnpatrick at 10:28 PM, July 19th (Saturday)]

TROLL

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:07 PM, July 21st (Monday)]

My guess is that SoSorry and Swat are way too early in their healing to deal with this issue.

It might be that for both of them this would be an awful trigger.

Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I think those types of personal details should only be shared IF they open the subject up themselves!

Well it has been an very distressing couple of days. XAP is really nuts, there can be no doubt of that now. Swat told me he posted what happened so if you have been following him you know what I mean.

XAP created two email accounts and wrote almost a hundred emails to himself. He typed out 17 letters and signed them. He bought several years worth of Valentines day, birthday and holiday cards and tried to sign my name. He bought a pendant exactly like one BH bought me and had it engraved. He bought a few hundred dollars worth of lingerie. This all went into a duffle bag which he gave to Swat and told him I might want my property back. How sick is that?

I have hurt BH so much. I lied and manipulated him for so many years. I had my fantasies and shared them with others and not him. I cheated on him repeatedly, mostly emotional OLA, but it is still betraying him. I lied about him and I didn't defend him. Now this. But Swat is still here. He actually defended me. He said he knows it is all a hoax. He checked it all, everything in the bag. While some of the email content just reiterated much of our affair conversations, it wasn't from me. XAP didn't even get the right date and misspelled my daughters name. Lingerie was all the wrong sizes. This is beyond creepy and I'm angry. I'm angry he did this and used me to hurt Swat again. I'm angry I put myself into a position where I could be used to hurt him.

I went to the DA's office today. I asked about my PO and if XAP violated it. They are looking into it. I contacted the County probation office and spoke with the director. XAP didn't have a probation officer assigned yet. But they are aware of what happened and are going to be pushing to have a mental health evaluation done and therapy as conditions of his probation.

This sucks in so many levels. One minute I'm happy, then very sad and then I'm angry. I can't believe I did this to my family. I'm an awful person and now everyone including my kids are suffering. I f'ing suck.

The good news is that he defended you. You wrote that in your experience people want to get even.

This is definitely true of your OM.

I don't think it defines SWAT in the slightest.

TROLL

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:06 PM, July 21st (Monday)]