SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I too am very proud of you and believe wholeheartedly you both have what it takes to truly make it. Try not to get discouraged on the down stays and remember that you are becoming a safe person and doing a great job at that. It takes time and effort to get there, but you both are so worth it. Heartwarming!

This is Swat's weekend off and we all (us and my brothers family) went to a Renaissance festival a couple of hours away. It is something we do every year because of me. I love those things and so do the kids. We (all the kids, SIL and I) dress up and just have a blast.

Things were going great. Everyone was having a great time. Well at least we were until we ran into on of BH exgf's, then I was miserable. She is working at the festival and was really dressed for her "part". She is beautiful, never been married and has no kids. She is funny and everyone thinks she is so great. I know her, we were in school together and she was just a couple of years older than me. She moved away years ago but even she knew about my affair. We end up going our separate ways, but she ends up being where ever we are several times during the day. I get that she works there and is acting and is supposed to interact with people, but did she have to blatantly hit on him. God bless my clueless husband, he didn't even realize she was practically groping him. She and the other "wenches" got him on stage and were hugging him, smacking his rear and squeezing his chest and arms. All while cracking jokes. Swat was not very comfortable. He kept moving their hands and was very embarassed. Well one went to far and asked if she could borrow him for a while, she could use his help in the bedroom "moving" some furniture. I know its an act and I've seen similar things done and said before at the festival. I always thought it was funny. But this time it was my husband and I didn't think it was so funny anymore.

We are getting ready to leave and the exgf comes over and says goodbye to us all. She gives us passes to come back and tells Swat and my brother to keep in touch and gives a business card to them.

We haven't argued and he is in the pool with the kids. Bbq day at the Swat house so everyone is here again. He is fine, I'm a wreck. I had nightmares last night. He finally has enough and takes them up what is offered to him. The whole crowd knows that I cheated and they cheer him on when he leaves with her. I know he is here and he has more integrity than that.

So now there is just one more thing tainted by my affair. SIL threw my brothers card in the garbage, Swat still has his I think. I'm afraid to ask because he hasn't done anything wrong. I accused him of cheating before to justify my actions. I don't want to project my actions on him again. The kids want to go again as soon as possible.

Ouch!

Swat did nothing wrong though, right???

This is the old insecurities coming back to haunt you.

Doesn't matter what other women want from SWAT....it only matter what SWAT wants and what SWAT does.

So far SWAT seems to be an A+ in this arena.

Breathe deep, count your blessings. You know this is a long trip, so hang on when needed.

You do know you're doing great...even with these bumps in the road. You are doing GREAT! Keep doing what you're doing. Check yourself when you go off the road, and get back up again.

Sosorry,

It's what we live with. My BW has this line she says to me daily.

Good job, sorrowful. Sleep well... I can always divorce you in the morning.

It's a paraphrase from the movie "The Princess Bride"

The fact is that what we did is in our betrayed's minds and will be for the foreseeable future. It distorts everything. As time goes on and we continue healing and being faithful it will diminish. For now it's there and it's a huge part of our reality.

***double post***

[This message edited by sorrowfulmate at 3:43 PM, July 13th (Sunday)]

As a BS I can tell you that this has happened to me several times in the past 10 months since Dday. And it seems like it happens more often after we've done something really special together and had a fantastic time! Go figure that one! But Let me see if I can explain why I think this happens. ..at least for me. I think that for one thing, I'm always afraid that when we seem to be settling back into more "normal" things & having a great time, I'm afraid that FWH will think everything is okay & that I'm past having bad days, past the anger, hurt, etc (even though we've talked about this on many occasions& he understands it's not over). It can also trigger me because I'll think of the good times we had before the A & in the 25 years since it happened (his A happened 25 yrs ago but I only found out 10 mo ago)& I'll start to question in my mind if those really were good times or if I was just living a lie & I become angry! It's almost like this...if I allow myself to enjoy things with him, then I'm letting my wall down & my heart open to getting hurt again! Just try to be patient with your BS, reassure your BS how much you love him & how truly sorry you are for causing such pain. For me, these things help so very much! I believe you are truly remorseful & that is HUGE as well! Keep trying & don't give up! You both have my prayers & I pray your M can heal from this!

God bless my clueless husband, he didn't even realize she was practically groping him. She and the other "wenches" got him on stage and were hugging him, smacking his rear and squeezing his chest and arms. All while cracking jokes. Swat was not very comfortable. He kept moving their hands and was very embarassed.

Its always puzzled me a little the reputation we men get for being clueless. I can 'feel' when I'm being checked out. What do I do when someone actually tries to flirt with me? I do not respond positively or negatively, in fact, I just plain don't respond. I just play clueless and act totally uninterested. Its my polite way of saying "go away." If this doesn't work then out comes the not so polite "I'm married, buzz off."

I would put big money on swat knowing they were hitting / flirting with him.

Here's my point: You didn't dodge any bullet here because swat didn't notice some wenches hitting on him. He did notice, I'm almost sure of it.

He KNEW they were hitting on him, and his actions show he is not interested in them at all.

I believe he consciously chose you SoSorry. No dodged bullet. No lucky circumstance. No "whew, at least he didn't notice they were hitting on him!"

SoSorry,

SaturnPatrick nailed it. As a guy, I'm generally clueless if women are hitting on me subtly. I'm not when they are feeling me up and being overt about it. SWAT has shown you repeatedly the type of man he is. He has earned your trust. Yes it stinks to watch other women acting inappropriately with him but he did right by you by not responding. He sent all of the "I'm not interested signals."

As others have said, this is a long and winding road. There are no guarantees but you are both working to rebuild your relationship. Today was a minor set back for you. Keeping moving forward and working to rebuild what was destroyed.

Sending you both strength!

Have you talked to SWAT about how you feel about this?

Good communications are the key to a good marriage.

Swat and I have talked about this last night. We were getting ready for bed and I started telling him that I've always been super jealous about him. I project my issues on him as well. I'm afraid he will have a revenge affair. He got pissed and said he isn't a cheater and he is angry I would think he would. He said "You have no right to accuse me of anything. I've not lied and done anything behind your back. I trusted you! You cheated on me, not the other way around. I can't believe that after all this you don't trust me. Sweetheart that's too f'ing ironic." Then he went to the guest room for the night.

I KNOW this. He is honorable, loving and trustworthy. I have not been any of that. I'm working on that. This morning things were better, he apologized for getting mad. I told him no apology was needed, I've got some insecurities that I'm working on. He said he knew and gave me a hug.(which I really needed)

I have IC tomm, lots to talk about. I'm having trouble just being happy with me. I've been identifying myself as a wife and mom for so long. I'm thinking of starting to work again. Nothing much, just part time. Something else to focus some time and energy on, instead of this mess. What do you all think?

What do you think is under all of this jealousy?

SS

If I could then I would be tsk tsking at SWAT right now.

I’m assuming you didn’t accuse him of cheating or of wanting to cheat. You simply told him of your fears. Frankly he should appreciate that openness.

If you two are in MC then I suggest you think how you can bring this up next session. You want to be able to express yourself to him – no matter how stupid or irrational the thought might be.

I agree with Bigger. Also, frankly I'm curious to find out who *wouldn't* be insecure about their SO's ass being grabbed by an attractive member of the opposite sex. I know those things are all supposed to be fun and games but I bet it wouldn't be so funny if it were a woman getting her butt groped by some guy....right in front of her H. JMHO.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 5:48 PM, July 14th (Monday)]

I'm afraid he will have a revenge affair

I'm gonna respectfully disagree with PPs, because I can totally see why SWAT would be angry about you saying that. You're afraid he'll leave you? Ride off into the sunset, after the D is final, with some non-cheating babe and live happily ever after? That's you expressing your feelings in a non-blaming way.

But you said you were afraid he'd cheat on you. That was (as I think you've admitted) an unfair projection, and especially insensitive because wasn't falsely believing SWAT had an A in part how you justified yours?

Nobody here expects perfection, least of all me, we're gonna say stupid shit and screw up, repeatedly, in the course of R. Or life. The important thing is to take ownership of our unpleasant feelings, and express them in a way that doesn't imply we blame our BS for them.

You might want to delve deeper into why a RA is scary to you. On D-Day, my bBF said to me if he had an affair there's no way I'd consider taking him back. I think he's speaking to how unfair it is that I never had to make such a choice and I'm making him make that choice now.

Asking that question to me would be essentially saying the same...expressing that you wouldn't like it done to you (no one would) but asking it to a spouse that's already dealing with the reality of it...it's going to hurt.

Sorry, SS17, just read your post...

[This message edited by timidhope at 7:35 PM, July 14th (Monday)]

20wrongs, your right. I did use that as an excuse. I know it wasn't true, but I needed to believe it to justify what I was doing.

I know she's an ex, they have some history. I don't know why she's an ex though. She just seemed so much fun and easy going. She is very pretty and has no kids. She made him smile, something that hasn't happened a lot recently.

tired girl, I'm jealous because I'm insecure. I've always been. I've never been good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, etc. But I know that's not really the case. I've been working on that and continue to do so.

Bigger. I didn't accuse him, but I was upset and crying a little. I'm emotional sometimes and I don't always express what I'm trying to say very well. To be completely honest some of my drama queen came out. When we were talking this came up after he mentioned going back in two weeks to use the free passes. His reasoning, the kids loved it. I heard him, but all I could think of was she (the ex) would be there, that is why he wanted to go. My tone probably wasn't very nice either at that point. I feel like such an idiot because today he suggested I use the passes this weekend and take either my mom or dad. (Which would be his free pass) and he would pay the admission for the other.

heartbroken. Not that it matters at this point, but they didn't grope his butt. The smacked it, they groped his upper body and were hugging him. It was all part of an act, which I may not have mentioned is geared for adults. The kids didn't see this.

He is getting ready for work right now, but we did talk a little bit. I did apologize for the argument. He also apologized but said he is frustrated with me. He doesn't comprehend my insecurities about him and he really doesn't like me projecting my issues onto him. He does allow me to share my feelings and he always listens. Its just sometimes I think I'm almost picking a fight or something. I think I'm trying to get a reaction from him, because sometimes he seems so flat and unemotional. Believe me I know why he is that way. One more thing for the IC list.

but they didn't grope his butt. The smacked it

I apologize; I went back and re-read your post and I mis-read the first time. I'm glad you clarified.

Today I'm just an insecure mess. Went to IC yesterday and it went well. I think. Several of you have pointed out this is a very long and difficult process. While I understand it, I'm not so sure I comprehended just how difficult. In a way I'm still having some wayward thinking. I keep wishing it would all just go away. A quick "I'm sorry, it will never happen again. Forgive me I love you, so let's just forget it ever happened" kind of thing. Not healthy I know.

I'm very grateful BH is still here. I thank god and him everyday. It is so much easier when he is here and we are together either alone or with family. When he is at work I start to fall apart. His working nights is the worst. I have nightmares when he isn't here. BH has rock solid boundaries and when I can see him and know he is keeping them it helps. My insecurity is crippling when he is gone.

I know I mentioned it before but Swat is huge. He is a foot taller than me and he is in tremendous shape. We are literally opposites. While I'm in good shape I'm short and curvy. I'm the exact opposite of every woman I ever saw him dating. They were all tall and lean. They always seemed to fit together. Me not so much. He has never hidden his past relationships and what was good or bad about them. I can't say the same. There are a few guys Swat never knew about and there was a lot of things I never told him. He never asked and I wasn't going to offer up the info.

While I always appreciate his honesty, sometimes there was just tmi. My fault actually because I asked and asked until he told me. So now I "see" the things they did in my head. I have no reason to, but I have this deep seated fear he just may re-connect with an ex or meet someone new that just "fits" better. AP was an ex. Someone I "dated" very briefly because he just fit at the time.

I know he loves me and I really do love him. But I just see all the ways we don't "fit" together and I freak out. After three kids (2 very large boys) and breast feeding, my body has changed so much. I'm not as fit and toned as I used to be. I look like a mother now. I really love that, I do. But it makes me so self-conscious when we are alone. Swat has not complained one time. We talked about it once after second baby. He said he loved everything about my body, even the extra in the middle. "You carried our children there, that's amazing to me." I heard him, but I don't believe him.

When I talked to IC about that mess in my head. She asked me if I still didn't believe him. I said its just words, he has to say things like that. She asked if he ever acted like he was not being honest or if his words contradicted his actions. I had to think a minute, but he never has. I couldn't say the same about me.

[This message edited by SoSorry17 at 1:50 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)]

I said its just words, he has to say things like that.

No, he DOESN'T have to say things like that. Why are you dismissing what he tells you as some sort of obligatory comment?

Do you believe him to be someone who just says what is expected rather than the truth?

Or maybe YOU are someone who says things they "have to say" out of obligation without meaning it?

Or is it that you feel unworthy of his praise?

Examine your thinking here.

I heard him, but I don't believe him.

You are being your own worst enemy.

SWAT has tread hellfire and world devastation to stay with you and keep his family, despite huge betrayal. His actions have gone well beyond his words. Hearing him is one thing, but I think his actions have proven more than his words have ever said.

He is not the source of your insecurity, you are.

This is definitely wayward thinking and it will be wise for you to keep working toward changing it or you could once again sabotage your marriage.

You have stated many things about SWAT that proves he is an honest man.

My personal assessment is you believe that you never did deserve him and you got him dishonestly

SWAT knows this and despite that, he still loves you.

It's time to accept that or risk losing him because you are not believing in yourself.