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Divorce/Separation :
Illness in WH family - do I say something?

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 nekorb (original poster member #40306) posted at 12:24 AM on Thursday, July 10th, 2014

I found out from a family member on WH's side that another family member is really ill.

In a way I'd like to just tell WH I heard and I'm sorry. Otoh- do we do that anymore?

Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 M - 22 Years
D-day: 7/2013; D filed 7/2014; Divorced 7-27-16
...the WS affair starts off in a dreamland where everything is all Golly, Wow! and Meant To Be! and Soul Mates drop from the trees to frolic in the mist. -devotedman

posts: 5796   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2013
id 6866525
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devistatedmom ( member #24961) posted at 12:33 AM on Thursday, July 10th, 2014

I would, but I've kept up with his family and he knows it.

A quick text just telling him you heard about xxx, and you are sorry, you hope they get better or whatever is all that is required. This person was your family at one point...it's ok to still care.

OTOH, if WH is still being an ass to you, or may use this as an opportunity to try and manipulate you, bully you or anything else, then I would just send a card to the family member or their immediate family.

If this family member was not close to you, or mean to you, etc., it's also ok to ignore.

Go with what you feel is best, and what you feel is right for you.

BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.

posts: 5921   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2009   ·   location: Canada
id 6866533
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phmh ( member #34146) posted at 1:25 AM on Thursday, July 10th, 2014

I would not. You're dealing with NPD; rules are different. Do not poke the bear.

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4993   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 6866574
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Pass ( member #38122) posted at 1:47 AM on Thursday, July 10th, 2014

I would wait until I hear from him before I expressed any sympathies. Kind of like how we keep NC unless there is a question to answer.

Divorced the cheater and living my best life now.

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous.

posts: 3785   ·   registered: Jan. 14th, 2013   ·   location: Ontario, Canada
id 6866592
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Grace and Flowers ( member #34431) posted at 1:50 AM on Thursday, July 10th, 2014

My XWH has never made a peep when family members of mine have been seriously ill and/or died. I nursed my best friend from the day of her cancer diagnosis until her death 7 months later, and again, not a peep. He knew her VERY well. He walked away from all of my family, who he'd known for 30 years.

But when I told my ex-mil that I needed take a "contact break" with her because I loved her so much, and it hurt to see her welcome OW with open arms, he called me to bitch me out for "making his mom cry".

Only you know your situation, but for me, as painful as it is, I just stay away and stay out of it. If I have sympathy or condolences to make, I make them directly to the involved family member and leave XWH out of it. Because he's an asshole.

Divorced since 2012

posts: 1399   ·   registered: Jan. 5th, 2012   ·   location: US
id 6866598
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Nature_Girl ( member #32554) posted at 2:54 AM on Thursday, July 10th, 2014

You are out of your mind if you think you should contact him with what, sympathy? Seriously? You think your sympathy will be accepted and not turned against you?

Really?

Me = BS
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

posts: 10722   ·   registered: Jun. 21st, 2011   ·   location: USA
id 6866664
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GabyBaby ( member #26928) posted at 2:57 AM on Thursday, July 10th, 2014

^^ Ditto NG

Me - late 40s
DD(27), DS(24, PDD-NOS)

WH#2 (SorryinSac)- Killed himself (May 2015) in our home 6 days after being served divorce docs.
XWH #1 - legally married 18yrs. 12+ OW (that I know of).

I edit often for clarity/typos.

posts: 10094   ·   registered: Dec. 26th, 2009   ·   location: Here and There
id 6866668
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 nekorb (original poster member #40306) posted at 4:07 AM on Thursday, July 10th, 2014

LOVE that owl...in a ridiculous way!

NG - I know - I guess old habits die hard. He did try to be nice to me a couple of months ago when I had a very close family member die. Really, I think he was trying to be genuine, as I know he loved this person very much too, but it just wasn't comforting or helpful to me at all.

It was just...awkward.

SO- I guess perhaps I will just send the family member a card, if I do anything.

Thanks for all the advice everyone!

Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 M - 22 Years
D-day: 7/2013; D filed 7/2014; Divorced 7-27-16
...the WS affair starts off in a dreamland where everything is all Golly, Wow! and Meant To Be! and Soul Mates drop from the trees to frolic in the mist. -devotedman

posts: 5796   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2013
id 6866734
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southsidecali ( member #22752) posted at 4:33 AM on Thursday, July 10th, 2014

If your close to the family member do it directly, otherwise nothing to him.

posts: 989   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2009   ·   location: CA
id 6866758
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ChoosingHope ( member #33606) posted at 4:40 AM on Thursday, July 10th, 2014

If your close to the family member do it directly, otherwise nothing to him.

^^^This.

(((Nekorb))) You're such a good person.

posts: 1855   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2011
id 6866763
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StillLivin ( member #40229) posted at 6:58 AM on Thursday, July 10th, 2014

Ever heard the term "No good deed goes unpunished?"

My STBX is passive aggressive, not NPD. IMO NPD is way worse.

I had heard his mother was undergoing breast cancer screening. It boggles the mind how he managed to twist my concern around on me, but he did.

Not only that, he practically verbally attacked his mother for having contact with me and told her I wasn't a part of their family anymore.

My vote, don't say anything unless he brings it up.

However, if you were close to the other family member's spouse, I would send get well wishes directly to the spouse.

"Bitch please a good man can't be stolen." ROFLMAO - SBB: 7/2/2014

posts: 6242   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2013   ·   location: AZ
id 6866840
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PhantomLimb ( member #39668) posted at 12:40 PM on Thursday, July 10th, 2014

Don't do it.

Something very similar happened to me a few months back with a death in X's family. A mutual friend told me and I took a couple of days to mull over what I wanted to do. Normally I would have said something just to be kind, but I hesitated because we had a mutual friend pass a few months prior, and he said nothing to me (even though he knew this person and I were very, very close).

Before I even made a decision, X wrote me such a delusional NPD email it should go into some kind of hall of fame. Others here are correct: some of the more nutty cheaters do not process these kinds of events normally. Somehow my X turned it around to make it ALL about him, while still actively pushing me away. It was like he addressed the email to me, but was talking to an imaginary friend.

I didn't respond.

A few months later, I found out that his A had been more involved than I thought and his deception worse than I initially imagined. Couple that with the fact that he didn't reach out to me when someone close to me had passed, and I would have felt like a massive chump had I continued to show that monster any sympathy.

I think not saying anything also helps you detach and break old patterns of being there for him that are beneficial in the long run.

BS / D

posts: 893   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2013
id 6866949
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sparkysable ( member #3703) posted at 12:42 PM on Thursday, July 10th, 2014

I wouldn't say a word, unless his family has treated you well throughout this whole thing.

Mine turned against me and welcomed the OW and it's as if I never existed. And I was really close with them. Now? Even if one of them died, I would not offer a word of condolence at all.

D-day OW#1 2/2004;D-day OW#2 5/2010
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.

posts: 5718   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2004   ·   location: NY
id 6866952
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sparkysable ( member #3703) posted at 12:43 PM on Thursday, July 10th, 2014

OMG the owl!!!!!!!!

D-day OW#1 2/2004;D-day OW#2 5/2010
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.

posts: 5718   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2004   ·   location: NY
id 6866953
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Beyond ( member #3011) posted at 1:46 PM on Thursday, July 10th, 2014

What PHMH said. For sure.

When a NPD is playing the game, the "rules" are moot.

XOW.

posts: 502   ·   registered: Dec. 26th, 2003   ·   location: Virginia
id 6867005
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