SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all,

A brief update of sorts....

There was (as usual) more to find.

I was able to crack the password on the second "alternate" email account, which lead to a third, then a fourth.

The oldest of the email accounts date back to 2009 and there was porn and pics and postings similar to what I found on DDay. So obviously, this wasnt happening just when he lost his job. Its been going on a lot longer.

I also found loads of websites to which he signed up, all for porn, pics, or videos. There was also a webcam chat site as well.

The thing that has me starting to believe that he may not have met anyone is this:

In every email account, there were clusters of welcome emails on the same dates from these sites. There were no emails or messages to people with specific times/dates to meet up, nor were there any email strings with that sort of information in them either.

The clusters support what he told me about signing up for stuff, but thought it was stupid and didnt go back. But then he'd get bored or whatever, try to remember passwords, couldnt, then sign up for stuff all over again.

The 3 older email accounts all go to X date (X is different in each account) with emails that had obviously been read, then there's nothing but unread spam and "so and so wants to meet you" subject lines from date sites to the current date. This supports his claims that he couldnt remember the passwords to get back in. The same holds with the various sites to which he signed up for. The sent folders in the three accounts have similar messages to the responses on CL, but again...nothing in the inbox from actual people (just spam and "pokes" from the various dating sites).

What is really interesting (in a detached sort of way) is that I was able to figure out every single password that he couldnt remember. (I sure as heck am not going to tell him how, but while HE can't/won't remember things, I certainly do). I was also able to get into most of the dating/porn/etc sites as well and all of the profiles were empty (no info on himself given, no "friends" added, etc).

While its possible he went into each email address and website and deleted stuff, why not delete all of it? And with the sheer number of spam items in the older email addresses, I seriously doubt he could have gotten it all, so I think I would have found SOMEthing.

I found a couple of polygraph locations here in town. I'm going to find out more info and get that done asap.

With regard to SIS- he seems remorseful and appears to be telling me what he can, given what I already know about his long-standing memory issues.

I see him jotting down websites/login info as he remembers things, so he isn't blowing that off either.

SIS isn't a reader, but he read 78 of the 90+ pages of "How to Help your Spouse Heal After an Affair" yesterday. He said he'll finish it tonight and intends to read it again and highlight things. (I read it at lunch and we discussed some of the content, so his saying he read it isn't a snow job).

He's answering my questions (no often how loudly I ask nor how often I ask).

HE is looking for professional help for what appears to be an addiction to porn as well has his depression issues. I saw him searching psychiatrists in our area and suggested he ask his doc for recommendations.

HE is reading and posting on SI without prompting from me since I told him to join on Saturday.

He also got his schedule at school switched around to be mainly online classes, so that he will be working 40 hours per week going forward.

From all appearances, he's trying.

What he did was cheating in my mind, but IF he passes the poly supporting no actual flesh to flesh sexual contact with other people, and IF his tests come back negative (STD), and IF he continues to get his shit together, I might be able to consider reconciliation.

But that's a lot of IFs.

ETA:

I only told MIL, SIS's brother (and the wife), and my sister about all this.

SIS mentioned last night that somehow people at his job seem to have found out that something's going on. (Maybe someone overheard BIL and wife talking and spread the tale). No one at work would speak to him other than BIL and BARELY BIL's wife. That wasn't my intention, but as I said to him last night, that's one of the consequences of your behavior.

He said it rather matter-of-factly and not in a pity-seeking sort of way. Baby steps...

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 7:51 PM, July 19th (Saturday)]

What he did was cheating in my mind

Is it cheating in his mind?

I'm not saying he deserve a medal or anything but it seems like he is taking this very seriously. Many unremorseful WSs would be spewing shit about how it's not actually cheating because there was no sex, it's not as bad as what your ex did, they didn't mean anything so you should be able to get over it, etc. Is he saying stuff like that or is he accepting that he just blew up your world?

(((Gaby)))

SIS is definitely accepting that he blew up my world. He knows (and knew) it was cheating, though at the time he didn't see the one on one webcam stuff as "having sex with someone else" and I do.

When we talked, I asked him why he presented himself as a non-porn user when we started dating. He said knowing what XWH was into and what he progressed to, SIS didn't think I'd date him if I knew he used porn, so he didn't tell me.

He's given me all the passwords/logins etc that he can remember. He tries not to even use the internet unless someone is at home.

Today when he got home from work, he cleaned up a few things, then did some reading. He's stepping up (so far). He tells me often that's he's sorry and he's going to spend the rest of his life making this right.

I can't relax though. I need the medial test results and the poly results even though I am fairly sure there were no meetups from the CL stuff. I need to know other things as well.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 7:57 PM, July 19th (Saturday)]

Hey GB...so sorry for your Circumstances. Did you ever do a image search in yahoo or google using the email handles he was using? I got lots of dirt on my SAWH doing that. Found plenty he never told me. Just type in sleazyhandle2014 in a search box, minus the @yahoo.com or whatever. Check the general search and images.

Also does he use any apps like kik, snapchat or omegle? Those don't save messages, but is indicative of cheating/chatting.

I would say some of this behavior could be SA. It is very difficult to change that behavior without special help.

I wish you the best, hang in there and take care!

Thank you Strengthandhope.

I did searches on all the handles from his emails, adult sites, and CL. Nothing new came up (thank goodness) - just the sites I already found evidence he was on.

He doesn't use any apps other than actual games (and most of the games on his phone are single player). He has his iPhone back, but the I've password protected safari and other items so that he can't access them. I did a couple of other things too, but I wont mention them so they wont be found readily.

ETA: He uses a few other apps for tracking weather and astrology as well, but those aren't apps in which you can chat either.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 8:34 PM, July 19th (Saturday)]

Gaby, goodness mcfucking gracious I can't wrap my head around this betrayal. I saw your new signature and blinked and re-read it over and over bc I couldn't believe it. I'm one of the seemingly appropriately large group of your fans. When I see you've posted on a thread I always look forward to reading it. You have a warm, down to earth energy that I really enjoy. I really, really want to share my support.

IC isn't an option due to financial strain. I am simply going to try to stay out of striking range. It'll help, too, that my son is home tonight. That kind of rage is not something I've ever subjected my kids to and I don't see it starting now.

Please, oh please don't underestimate the power of rage and the depth of the pain you're experiencing. I fully accept that you protect your kids. Also, you are human. Shit happens, and worse shit happens when we're going through the worst shit of our lives. I read how you feel like you've cooled off a bit and been able to not hit, but we all know that roller coaster...rage, sadness, numbness, nausea, exhaustion...it all comes and goes and is somewhat unpredictable at times. I'm thinking of a moment in particular when I was feeling comfortable sitting close to WX again, then something on tv triggered me and I lost my shit. I ripped myself away from him, plopped down on the floor with my back to him, ranting about how disgusting he was. My skin felt like it was crawling with the germs of his A. I'm burning just thinking about it now.

I say that to gently remind you what you already know, that as much as we want to power through the healing and feel in control, there are times that take us by total surprise.

Petting the fur babies and drinking water sound like good tools, it's time to build up some more tools as well as have even more outlets to vent and get a grasp on this pain.

Have you checked out local DV counseling options? DV counseling is often free, and the way he has treated you absolutely qualifies. Cheating is emotional abuse, throwing things falls into the realm of physical and emotional abuse too. DV is not only physically hitting. Other places offer sliding scale fees. I know even the sliding scale can be too much, but it is absolutely worth calling to find out how low it can go and if they offer free sessions or payment plans.

Another possibility is Alanon - support for loved ones of alcoholics. Although you mentioned he got his drinking under control there is certainly a compulsive, addicted quality to what he's been up to and I wonder if it wouldn't be some useful, free support while you're still spinning from this.

Lastly, just want to say, a red bow? Ayfkm?!? Bc he's a real gift? I know you love him and you supported him through depression and underemployment bc he's your husband, but I just want to say as someone who did the same, only to also learn that he was using the money I earned and the free time he had while I was working to fuck around on me that I think that's another level of this seemingly intolerable pain - that they live out such ridiculous fantasy, lie-filled, sometimes downright bizarre situations while we are busy hanging out in the real world, doing real people shit like being honest, faithful, and committed to our Ms. I remember looking at WX as he was scrounging around for his stuff while moving out and saying "you look ridiculous." He did, and he was. Ridiculous.

If it's any semblance of consolation in this wretched pile of fuckedupedness he's heaped on you, please know that you still have your dignity, whereas he has nothing. You should tie a bow around his entire body and sext that pic around town because he himself is a fucking dick.

As for eating and drinking...can you do a spoonful of peanut butter? A multivitamin with your water? I'm just worried that you're going to faint from lack of calories and nutrients...please try for something small but packed with the good stuff. Even though it will not seem appetizing, imagine your SI family cheering you on as you do it...Ga-by ga-by

A million and one virtual hugs. There's an end to this pain. You know there is, you're in the thick of it now though so hunker down and use all the resources you can.

SIS seems remorseful.

However, if I were in your shoes I would have a humongous problem with this:

He said knowing what XWH was into and what he progressed to, SIS didn't think I'd date him if I knew he used porn, so he didn't tell me.

Gaby, I would he HELLA pissed that he misrepresented himself......is there any amount of remorse to be shown that will make up for a willful misrepresentation?

Mixed and Gonna,

Thank you both for your posts.

I haven't looked into counseling options for myself yet. I'm still trying to deal with the day to day. Most of the time I feel that I'm functioning and getting by ok, then a wave will just wash over me and I'm frozen again.

I've been able to get some food in. I stood up some times last week and almost hit the floor my head was swimming so badly, so I've been forcing food in. The last couple of days I can honestly say that I've been eating without any real issues. Not as much as I should eat, but its solid food.

Gonna- the fact that SIS misrepresented himself is one of the things that I am struggling with. The fact that he uses/used porn wouldn't have been a dealbreaker. I go by the general idea that most men use (or have used) porn to some degree, so had he said yes, it wouldnt have been odd, just a little ick given my XWH's antics.

So yes...there's a lot of work to be done to rebuild trust and not just from the internet activities.

He's being transparent. He'll often set his phone on my desk then walk away to do something else. He texts me while he's at work, let's me know when he's on his way home (no missing blocks of time), and has no issues if I want to go with him to the store or elsewhere on spur of the moment.

He tells me multiple times daily that he loves me, but I can't answer back. I don't trust the words anymore because he "loved me" when he was putting ads on CL. He "loved me" and lied.

ETA:

And yes...the red bow. Its a huge trigger right now. I have a ton of stuffed animals that SIS has given me over the last 7 years and a lot of them have red bows or red hearts. I have to put them away for now or give them away.

They all feel tainted.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 8:54 AM, July 21st (Monday)]

Gaby, I'm glad you are starting to eat a bit and keep it down.

What you have experienced is hard. It adds another layer to everything. There was a misrepresentation and information withheld on purpose that goes back a long way.

I was living with my husband when we first got the internet. We had discussions about porn over the years. I never had a problem with porn. I watched porn. My husband was the one who appeared to have a problem with it. He made a point of telling me he didn't like it. That he was better than that. He actually shamed me for watching it, like he was also better than me. Truth is, he was watching porn in secret and over time became a porn addict. He kept a large part of himself hidden from me.

It felt like, I never really knew him. I think I understood at that point what it would be like for serial killers wives to have no idea there are chopped up bodies buried in their crawl space. How could they not know? They must have had some idea? Nope, they likely had none.

At the core, the porn usage involved a lot of shame on his part. And a need for escape. Just like with affairs, a problem with porn is a sign of needing an escape from intimacy, IMO. The person can't handle being in a real relationship with a real person. It's too hard and too scary. They are self-protecting in some way. I took a lot of the blame for our shitty sex life for a lot of years when in reality it was directly linked to him and his porn addiction. I had a lot of anger about that.

I understand you are hypervigilant right now and I saw your other post about feeling needy. I remember feeling that way too. I just want to caution you that you can't and will never control him or his porn usage. If there is a will there is a way. It's everywhere. My husband viewed most of his porn on his iPod, for free. I thought he only had music on there and some game apps. When he got into his affair, he also used a free text app on that same iPod. No cost, no billing to see and nothing to track.

SIS will need IC (perhaps with a CSAT for assessment) to explore why he did this, and it wasn't his lack of a job or boredom, it will go way way back probably to childhood or adolescence. But you aren't always going to be there to monitor his phone usage or what he does during the day forever. It gives a false sense of security when you do that. Hopefully he will realize how much this messed up his own mind, not just you and your relationship.

Good luck with everything.

ETA: Because money is tight for IC, Recovery Nation is something you may want to look into for both of you and it's free.

[This message edited by DixieD at 11:49 AM, July 21st (Monday)]

Thanks Dixie.

It felt like, I never really knew him. I think I understood at that point what it would be like for serial killers wives to have no idea there are chopped up bodies buried in their crawl space. How could they not know? They must have had some idea? Nope, they likely had none.

I'm definitely having some of these "who the hell ARE you" thoughts and emotions.

At the core, the porn usage involved a lot of shame on his part. And a need for escape.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. When we talk and I ask questions, he is extremely embarrassed, but he answers. Haltingly sometimes, like its hard to get it out, but then once the dam is broken, he seems to feel better for having it out and in the open.

I took a lot of the blame for our shitty sex life for a lot of years when in reality it was directly linked to him and his porn addiction. I had a lot of anger about that.

I'm having some of this too.

Some of his posts on CL seem to blame me for the lack of a sex life as well as a few comments that I was cheating on him. I have a lot of anger simmering with regard to this alone, let alone the other issues as well.

I understand you are hypervigilant right now and I saw your other post about feeling needy. I remember feeling that way too. I just want to caution you that you can't and will never control him or his porn usage. If there is a will there is a way. It's everywhere.

I'm under no illusions that he can't access porn in other ways if he's of a mind to do so. The phone being on lockdown (no app downloads allowed, no web browsers available, and all apps listed have been vetted and noted) - that's a reflexive action on my part, more symbolic than actually effective. But it made me feel just a tiny bit of relief to DO something, to "control" something.

But you aren't always going to be there to monitor his phone usage or what he does during the day forever. It gives a false sense of security when you do that.

I fully understand this and I do not want to be the porn/infidelity police. I have checked internet history periodically since last week, but more out of boredome and "let's just see, shall we" than expecting to find anything new for now.

Hopefully he will realize how much this messed up his own mind, not just you and your relationship.

I very cautiously think he is getting there rapidly. The things that I did see in his internet history- online quizzes on whether he is a sex addict, porn addict, links to local sex addiction therapists, etc. I saw notes on his desk with various doctor phone numbers as well.

Here's hoping...

ETA: Because money is tight for IC, Recovery Nation is something you may want to look into for both of you and it's free.

Thank you for this info. I'm still in a daze and haven't started looking for IC for myself (and he's in charge of getting his own), but this info is very helpful.

Gaby...

I'm so sorry I didn't see this sooner. I almost never go into General and the only reason I did was I noticed your tagline had changed and I thought... What the hell???

I'm sorry this is happening to you again.

Thanks Jrc.

I just glanced at a calendar and am surprised to note that its been just about 3 weeks since I saw the phone.

It doesn't seem like its been that long. We're...cranking along.

He's doing the work and I'm watching closely.

I'm also doing the partner portion of the program on Recovery Nation, which I find helpful.

ETA: SIS is working on the addict's portion of Recovery Nation. We've also started delving into the couple's workshop too.

He's continuing to answer my questions (most of them are the same, just put forth in a different way). He's...trying.

We'll see...

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 3:26 PM, July 31st (Thursday)]

I fully understand this and I do not want to be the porn/infidelity police. I have checked internet history periodically since last week, but more out of boredome and "let's just see, shall we" than expecting to find anything new for now.

Plus everyone just uses incognito browsing now anyway. There's very little point in checking internet history of a known cheater -- once they are caught once, should they desire to cheat/troll again, they'll browse "in private" mode.

Unless they slip up

ShiningAutumn - I agree. The "In Private" browsing is a cheater's delight.

I will say that with SiS's memory issues, he'd likely give himself away in a lot of other areas (now that I'm alert, that is). I simply wasn't looking for this before, but it would have been easily found - if I had looked.

I'm sorry to say I lost my shit and beat the crap out of him. Hope he has fun explaining his black eye to his brother at work tomorrow. Asshole.