SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Can you see the content of his adds on CL? I am wondering if there is a secret phone?

Reason being, 2 years on hookup/date sites and actively posting up to 3 ads/week on CL -- I just think that level of activity/involvement would require a cell phone.

Are you kicking him out? (At least temporarily)

I think that is a very good idea esp if he has family he can stay with, if only bc of the physical violence, but also to give you space to think, focus on yourself. And to give him some consequences

I don't know how a person can recover and bounce back from 2 years of lies and deceipt of this nature, combined with the lack of sexual connection, depression, out of work.

Seems to me you deserve so much better.

Sweetie, you know everything that comes out of his mouth right now is bullshit. Don't even try to point/counter point with him now. He's going to rewrite your history and come up with every stupid excuse in the book to make it seem like his horrible decisions and his far-reaching deceit had everything to do with you and nothing to do with him.

You know the truth and so do we.

Don't buy into the bullshit. Tune him out and take care of you.

Suckstobeme - I've let a lot of statements go so far (twisted time lines, etc) because he's getting support and the good folks on that thread are making progress. However, that statement really bugged me.

Can you see the content of his adds on CL? I am wondering if there is a secret phone?

Reason being, 2 years on hookup/date sites and actively posting up to 3 ads/week on CL -- I just think that level of activity/involvement would require a cell phone.

Are you kicking him out? (At least temporarily)

I think that is a very good idea esp if he has family he can stay with, if only bc of the physical violence, but also to give you space to think, focus on yourself. And to give him some consequences

I don't know how a person can recover and bounce back from 2 years of lies and deceipt of this nature, combined with the lack of sexual connection, depression, out of work.

Seems to me you deserve so much better.

Shining - I asked him to leave on Saturday and he refuses. I think it would be an excellent idea, however, I can't force him to leave since its his house too.

I haven't touched him since Sunday and I will not touch him (in violence) again. I was tempted a few times last night, but I redirected (pet a dog, drank water) to get myself under control.

As far as bouncing back from all this crap- you're right. I do deserve a lot better. I THOUGHT I was in a marriage that was in a rough spot that we just had to ride out.

I had no idea that I was the only one actually in the relationship.

(((((Gaby)))))

I asked him to leave on Saturday and he refuses

Add this to this of actions showing he is not remorseful.

I had no idea that I was the only one actually in the relationship.

Exactly how I felt in my marriage. I was the only one married, he was single & free to screw (or whatever else it was that he did) anything he chose.

Can you see the content of his adds on CL? I am wondering if there is a secret phone?

Reason being, 2 years on hookup/date sites and actively posting up to 3 ads/week on CL -- I just think that level of activity/involvement would require a cell phone.

I forgot to address this above.

I was able to see the content of the CL ads as well as the profiles on AFF and the other site.

The AFF profiles were blank (no info given) and there was no real activity on either account, so that (at least) fits what he told me about the AFF accounts.

The Fubar account had no real profile, but he was searching and viewing a lot of profiles, with 2 or 3 of the sluts having 100+ views in his history vs the 5-10 views others got.

As for the content of the CL ads. Yeah.

Photos galore, with subject lines like "Its Monday...who wants a ride to <City where I go to school>?" or "I'll be your sex slave" with the content being along the lines of "clean, fun, disease free, safe guy looking for discreet fun. Love wife, but sex life is not happening right now".

I doubt there's another phone.

THe iphone (again- that I bought him) was his first and only smartphone. He had trouble using it.

The emails in his secret email address showed responses from August 2012 (he lost his job Jul 2012) through Saturday morning (the day I busted him).

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 1:55 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)]

As someone else mentioned some addicts just change or trade in their addictions for something different, one after another. This was just the latest thing used to fill a big gaping hole. Sounds like he's been using/escaping in one way or another with a wide variety of things for a long time I'm afraid.

After everything that he's done and you've already been through and everything that happened on the weekend he should have been willing to leave, IMO. It is the least he could do. You made a request and he didn't respect that. That just shows what a selfish asshole he is. He's not staying there because he's remorseful and wants to help you get through this. He just doesn't want to go. He was admittedly defensive so one has to think maybe he's staying just out of spite. I don't think he's going to make this easy on you in any way. You are going to need all the strength you don't even know you had.

Your family may not be around you but your online family is.

(((((Gaby)))))

Ok, first of all, I'm a bitch, so pardon my ideas. If he doesn't want to leave, I would make life miserable at home. Don't talk to him. Don't cook his dinner. Don't even buy groceries he would like; buy what YOU want to make. If you do his laundry, stop! 180 him hardcore and let him figure out how fun it is to be ignored and not needed. Again, pardon my bitchiness, but I am pissed for you after everything you've been through.

Deena, that is a good idea..No cooking for him, laundry etc..

My WH also refused to move out when I asked him to..

So I don't cook or do his laundry,etc..

He doesn't give a shit that he is ignored by me, that he isn't needed..But at least I do as I please..I don't have to deal with his dirty laundry ..He can worry about his own tighty whities, lol..

I don't care enough about the house we are living in to do any upkeep, renovations like getting new carpet, etc...This does make me depressed with my surroundings, the house is falling apart cosmetically...I do intend to leave, file for divorce.... As soon as I can figure out how to divorce him and have enough finances to lead a sustainable life without him being a millstone around my neck..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 7:07 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)]

In my household, everyone does their own laundry. (I am not the maid).

I usually cook for everyone, but I haven't cooked in days (food smells make me want to hurl right now). My son was happy with McDonald's last night and was at his dad's house on Saturday and Sunday.

Oh Gaby, I am so sorry! So much of your situation is too familiar to me and kind of triggery so I'm finding it hard to respond. I just wanted to let you know you're so NOT alone and he isn't unique by a long shot.

Honestly, if my SAWH were to get caught again, I'd be gone so fast I'd leave skid marks. Your WH definitely shows some SA red flags and the recovery is so damn hard.

Hang in there girl, we're here for you.

(((((GABY))))

((Gaby)) I can't stop thinking about you. Sending you strength, friend.

I honestly think the only thing he is really forgetting is the kind of woman he is dealing with. What she has been through and what it has made her. How strong and fragile she is all at the same time. How he has taken her carefully patched together world and ripped it apart then set it alight. He has no fucking idea. I can't imagine a WH#2. I just can't.

The cruelty is as astonishing as his breathtaking arrogance.

I'm so fucking sad that he forgot that. I'm unbelievably angry that he is continuing to forget it. I don't believe he is choosing to forget it. I believe he has completely forgotten it. It's either that OR he never really knew it. Or you. Not a single fucking clue.

I'm so very sorry.

I am really sorry that you are going through this a second time. Thinking of you.

Just read through all of this. Sorry I have no advice but I really hurt for you. I just hope you take care of yourself and get through this is a healthy way.

Good morning SI,

Thank you for your continued support. I read and re-read your posts daily and it helps more than you will ever know.

I got a little sleep last night, but food isn't staying in. I stood up last night and almost hit the floor. SIS brought up a couple of hard-boiled eggs and they came back up within minutes. So I'm sticking to coffee with protein powder for the morning....

I wrote the following to SIS on Monday night:

Here is what I (currently) need to feel safe in my home and around you:

1. A COMPLETE list of ALL websites (with web addresses), account names/usernames, and CURRENT passwords of any (school, yahoo, gaming, etc) online accounts you have.

2. A complete STD panel with results in my hand within 2 weeks.

3. Absolutely NO porn of any kind (online, physical, videos, chatting, games, ads, nudes, movies, etc).

4. Absolutely NO masturbating (given what you told me tonight).

5. Absolutely NO social media, etc with the exception of SI.

6. Check in via email every 2 hours with a status of what you're doing and what your plan is for the remainder of the day.

7. No alcohol (including wine, beer, frozen treats, etc).

8. Post and read on SI daily (preferrably multiple times). Click on the Library button on the left of the screen and start with the "WS FAQ".

9. Own your shit. Take responsibility for your actions. Do not put the blame for your behavior on me or anyone else.

10. Do not lie to me about ANYTHING. Lies will only kill things and make it impossible to even THINK about reconciliation. If you lie about one thing, I'm going to assume that you've lied about Everything.

Nothing on that list is optional. You have proven that you are not trustworthy and therefore not a safe person for me.

You do not have to comply with any of the above, but understand that I will not move forward any relationship with you if you fail to comply.

That list, however is not the end of what you need to do. That's only the beginning to make ME feel safe.

You still need to work on your shit and figure out why you seem to have given yourself permission to behave like a complete and total asshole toward me (and many others around you).

I am bowing out of my "job" of propping you up.

I thought about it yesterday at work and while he may or may not be doing everything I've asked, do I feel any "safer"?

Nope.

The first thing I did when I got home from work on Monday was go through his computer history.

Tuesday, I didnt even bother. I don't want to go back to being the infidelity police. He's already given me enough to walk away without digging for more (as someone posted earlier).

I just need to sit with this and decide if I can live with what I know he's done as well as what he's likely done (though I dont have proof yet).

SIS does have memory issues (I have known this since we started dating). He's had multiple head traumas and the AD meds didn't help. When he says "I dont remember" it could be true.

But it doesnt piss me off any less.

Its likely that he'll never remember some things.

Can I live with not having those details, knowing I'm a "gotta have the details" person?

I dont know.

I reached out to one of my sisters, so I have some IRL support. My MIL is a saint. I think if SIS were standing in front of her right now she'd be beating him about the head with a broomstick as only the mother of 3 boys can do.

SIS was very subdued after his day of posting last night. He apologized a number of times and as much as I want to think he's starting to get it, I know its isn't that quick and it isn't that easy.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 11:43 AM, July 16th (Wednesday)]

Ugh. This is supposed to be your safe place. Anything he writes over on the other side is written with the understanding that you're going to read it and it's going to be geared towards making points with you no matter HOW much he claims differently.

Geez, you don't even have any privacy here.

I see your first relationship went belly up because of this very bullshit and here you are, having to face it all over again. Like you, I've dealt with this crap more than once and I now have a zero tolerance policy for infidelity. It actually makes things much easier and it eliminates all the crappy grey areas, the see-sawing, the highs and lows, and all the confusing elements that paralyze a BS and keep them from moving forward.

Sending strength to you in which ever path you ultimately choose.

This is supposed to be your safe place. Anything he writes over on the other side is written with the understanding that you're going to read it and it's going to be geared towards making points with you no matter HOW much he claims differently.

Geez, you don't even have any privacy here.

Its still safe for me. I encouraged him to start posting here (required it, actually) because I knew the folks on that forum would be able to smell bullshit a mile away (and they have).

Whatever words he's using there (and IRL) mean nothing.

If he can get to his "whys", I'm happy for him.

If he can work on his personal demons, I'm happy for him.

I don't hate him (most of the time) and I would love to see him better. But that wont keep me from doing what I feel is best for me (and my kids).

Thank you all for the continued good "mojo".

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 3:05 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)]

Photos galore, with subject lines like "Its Monday...who wants a ride to <City where I go to school>?" or "I'll be your sex slave" with the content being along the lines of "clean, fun, disease free, safe guy looking for discreet fun. Love wife, but sex life is not happening right now".

Ugh, this just infuriates me and is also one of my biggest fears. The fact he was at least 50% responsible for the "sex life not happening right now" but b/c of horrible coping mechanism (conflict avoidant? addiction prone? nice-guy syndrome?) he made the choice to reach out online to skanks rather than address it with his wife.

What Im confused about, is have you had access to all his email communications from CL, or were some of these deleted? If so, was there nothing at all to allude or indicate an in person meetup.

I think my next step would be 1) pressing the him moving out (temporarily at least); and 2) a polygraph

The polygraph would be top on my list and immediate.

It seems to me you have already decided to attempt R. I think you need to examine if perhaps there is a codependent tendancies going on you (you mentioned the tendancy to prop him up). What is it about him/the relationship that makes your knee jerk reaction be to tolerate his betrayal? (not judging you or saying you shouldn't attempt R, but it seems you decided immediately you weren't going to separate)

[This message edited by ShiningAutumn8 at 3:08 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)]

((Gaby))

Sending you big hugs and good mojo aplenty.

I have to say that I'm with ShiningAutumn. I don't believe for a minute that all his stuff was online only. Yes, of course, he's claiming that he never met anyone but quite honestly, you didn't find a smoking gun pointing to that, so of course he's not going to admit it.

I think a polygraph test is an EXCELLENT idea.

If he's the choir boy he's claiming to be, he'll have no problem strapping himself into that seat.

I think there's a lot more you don't know.

Ugh, this just infuriates me and is also one of my biggest fears. The fact he was at least 50% responsible for the "sex life not happening right now" but b/c of horrible coping mechanism (conflict avoidant? addiction prone? nice-guy syndrome?) he made the choice to reach out online to skanks rather than address it with his wife.

He's responsible for a lot more than 50% of that sex life not happening. I agree the coping skills are seriously lacking.

What Im confused about, is have you had access to all his email communications from CL, or were some of these deleted? If so, was there nothing at all to allude or indicate an in person meetup.

I have access to one alternate email (there are two, but he "can't remember" the password to the other and says he made the one I have because of that reason).

The CL ads, CL account, as well as the AFF and Fubar accounts all have this particular email (the one I can access) listed.

There are 300+ emails that he SENT, with a handful that have short back and forth exchanges (pic avail? Tell me about yourself.) then it peters out to nothing.

There's not much in the inbox of the email account, other than spam and some nonsense from Fubar (so and so sent you a drink).

Does anyone know how to check on CL to see if there's messages on the account itself? Or do they go directly to the linked email?

If they go to the linked email, he deleted what he received already (inbox was empty except for spam).

The trash folder had very little (a couple of draft emails and more spam).

His ads (and his responses) stated his area, when he was "available" etc, but I didn't see any actual meetings (definite date, time, place) confirmed or even attempted.

I think my next step would be 1) pressing the him moving out (temporarily at least); and 2) a polygraph

The polygraph would be top on my list and immediate.

It is on my list of things, but again, the money isn't there to do this yet.

It seems to me you have already decided to attempt R. I think you need to examine if perhaps there is a codependent tendancies going on you (you mentioned the tendancy to prop him up). What is it about him/the relationship that makes your knee jerk reaction be to tolerate his betrayal? (not judging you or saying you shouldn't attempt R, but it seems you decided immediately you weren't going to separate)

I haven't decided to R. I'm actually very strongly leaning to NOT reconcile.

I've taken steps to seperate my finances from his. We have three items of shared debt- our house, his vehicle, and my vehicle. Everything else (lesson learned from first marriage) is either his or mine...and neither of us have any other (credit card) debt because of the bankruptcy. I want to sell the house (and told him this last night). I'm looking for homes to rent near where I live as well as closer to my job (that 45 minute commute is a bitch).

I definitely feel that I've been propping him the last couple of years. It seems to be one big thing after another and coupled with his depression issues (or so I thought) he hasn't handled things well.

When we were "in it together", I was willing to take the lead in our marriage while he went to school etc. We all know that there's give and take in marriages and when shit happens, sometimes Person A steps up, other times Person B steps up. We'd always been a team up until he lost his job (and his freaking mind and sense of morality), so I didnt see it as codependent, just a period in our marriage.

When we started dating, I was actually unemployed (I found another job within a month of losing the old one though). He was supportive and helped financially a time or two (which I paid back within a month).

I'm very much ok (no major anxiety, stress, etc) with the idea of moving forward on my own. I'm a lot more unsettled with the idea of reconciling, truth be told.

I'm simply not making any decisions at this time beyond making it easier to "get out of dodge" quickly when the time comes. While I may not be able to reconcile, I haven't been able to think of him as evil or cruel (though his actions were indeed cruel). That's probably a disconnect on my part, but I'm still protecting myself.

As far as my not knowing everything that's happened- oh I'm sure of that.

I'm convinced that he met someone (or multiple people) in person. He can own up or not, but as I said...I already have enough to walk away.

I've got the cake, the icing, and the decoration. I dont need the cherry on top too.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 3:52 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)]