SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How do I fix this?

What exactly are you wanting to fix? Why?

MJ.... I can't give up hope, but yeah, I really messed things up.

Deeply... I feel numb at the moment. Thoughts are flying through my head in all directions. When I write here, I am trying to make sure I am not writing in a defensive way, or make excuses. My emotions are scattered. Fear, ashamed, anger, sadness, embarrassed, depressed, the list goes on. Maybe shock is the word.

Aubrie... I want to fix me. I want to be the guy she fell in love with. I am the one that broke. None of this was her fault. I want her to be happy again. As for why, because I still love her. I would like to see us doing things we talked about doing together. I am holding on to a hope that I did not ruin our chances.

So if this is what you want, are you doing what she has asked of you?

Yes I am. She wants me to get tested for STD, and I will. Also check in with her via email every two hours while I am at home. Stay on SI.

I want to be the guy she fell in love with.

That guy is dead. when we betray our spouse, everything they ever thought they knew about us is in question. At this point your BS does not even know who you are beyond: A lying cheater.

so wanting to be the guy that she fell in love with is not good enough. You are going to need to strive to be a whole lot better than "that guy"

Yes I am. She wants me to get tested for STD, and I will. Also check in with her via email every two hours while I am at home. Stay on SI.

This is all that she is asking of you?

I hope to be better than that guy.

And no, those are just the ground floor rules. There is so much more, and more that is unspoken.

so what's your plan? do you have one? is IC an option for you? If not, what will you do?

IC might be a plan, not sure on that one. But thinking I may need to see a shrink instead (sorry to any psychiatrists out there for the slang). There is more going on up there than I think a counselor could handle.

I will be seeking help. SI is my first step.

which begs the question, why? why did you feel the need to give in? why did you compromise yourself, your marriage, for self gratification?

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This is a question from early on in this thread I am working on. I have answered it, read what I wrote, and realized I was still being defensive. I will be digging deeper and giving the correct answer.

[This message edited by SorryInSac at 6:38 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)]

After talking with my BS, she had asked what I originally wrote and I told her. I told her it seemed defensive, or making excuses. She suggested I post it to see if I could get help digging, so here is roughly what I wrote prior to deleting. (I guess from here on out, if I write it, I should leave it)

"I was feeling down, and angry with myself for loosing my job. Putting us in a financial crisis. I thought I felt resentment from her."

After writing that, I did not feel it was right, I was already making excuses and pointing a finger.

Glad to see you back,

I have answered it, read what I wrote, and realized I was still being defensive. I will be digging deeper and giving the correct answer.

This is going to happen over and over for you. As it has for many of us. Your brokenness is like an onion. every layer may be a true feeling or statement. but as you realize these things, ask yourself why.

"I was feeling down, and angry with myself for loosing my job. Putting us in a financial crisis.

so to get started, why were you angry with yourself for losing your job?

you said:

one night I paid the price for that. Lost my tempter, lost my job.

so now you have to dig deeper. you were not really angry with yourself for losing your job. You were more likely angry with yourself for losing your temper. then that brings you to the next why. why do you lose your temper? Lack of self control? you are here so that is an obvious one. There is unhealed anger inside you. So where did that come from? Not expressing emotions and feelings maybe? If that is the case then why don't you?

I thought I felt resentment from her

.

You felt resentment from her? Why did you decide it was resentment. Did you talk to her about it? Was some of her actions similar to things you have experienced previously in life? WHY?

So now starts your journey. begin peeling the layers. The deeper you dig the worse the stink will be.

Now to encourage you, this will be a long process. There may be times (As I had lots of them) where I was (sometimes still am) afraid of the darkness inside me. I ask myself continuous questions everyday. The choice that I had to make and you will too, "Do I commit to heal me?" Do not take the question lightly. For myself there have been many times of staring the devil himself right in the face. Seeing my own depravity. And then making the decision to continue the fight. The Fight for myself. So I have been when where you sit, So many of have and we are here to help you on this journey. This is the journey that we all must walk alone. But we can do it together.

A suggestion: when you feel something post it. You keep deleting because of the way it sounds. But post it. Give us your true thoughts and feelings so that we can help you better. (I just learned this lesson from my BS) You will also be able to look back at your thoughts and posts here and see your progression.

Thanks Dr Jekyll, I did not leave, just no internet at work. I get now the point of writing down what comes to mind, when it does, and not going back over it. I want to thank you for the advice, and the questions you will be a good starting on this journey.

keep a notepad and pen with you at work. that way when you have a thought or a realization you can write it down to further think about.

Dr Jeckyll, that is an excellent idea, lord knows my head is going a thousand miles an hour at work. Forgive my delay, my BS found a sort book for me to read called How to Help Your Spouse Survive and Affair. I am only on Chapter 5, but am finding helpful, but am not giving up on SI.

On another note, she asked me about pornography, and I admitted to viewing porn online, and taking care of myself. She keeps finding sites that I signed up for (online dating), and in all honesty I cannot remember doing so. She is getting tired of me "not remembering", and I do not blame her. My problem is, I don't. This makes her think I am hiding more, and suspects there is something more serious (such as meeting someone) but that is something that never happened. I know what I said about counseling before, but have had a light turn on in regards to a porn addict counselor/therapist. It was embarrassing when I told we discussed the porn, but I have listened to people of SI and was humble. Oddly enough, it feels good to have told her about that, and we just had a (very) short discussion about the therapy. Baby steps

no worries, we are here to help you along the journey. You participate at your own pace. many people read, some post some do not. I would like to encourage you to post.

I was in your shoes. Had problems remembering things, but the cold harsh reality is: If you do not remember your BS can not forgive those acts, and will always be waiting for the next shoe to drop. She will never feel safe. And without feeling safe with you, she will have to be safe without you.

It is good that you are reading. that is important. I am glad you felt good sharing your with your wife.

I would like to offer advice on telling her the full truth. On my 1st dday. I admitted to what she had found and nothing more. Went through and deleted email account, paper trails etc. After 2 months of trying to help her "Get past it" I cam clean with the whole truth. I felt the chains fall off of my chest. I felt free. For the first time in my life I was free! But here is the problem. All of the stuff I deleted to cover my tracks. I cannot prove anything that I say now. This is one of the biggest regrets I have in this process. So gather your information and present it to her.

By telling the truth the worst possibility is you build trust.

Ok, so type what I am thinking and don't edit it like a novel is what everyone says. I don't want what I am about to write to be an excuse, a dodge, or a "poor me". It is what I have been thinking for a while.

For the last couple of years, I have been a bad husband, a poor provider. I have been a bad son, bad brother, and a bad uncle. I have a high level of resentment for myself, and the depression doesn't help. The reason I bring this up is that it seems a lot of what I read, here and elsewhere, start to focus on my issues. I get that, I really do. I know I have to fix me, but I want to make what I have broken better. It seems that most of what I see is about me, it should be about her. I am not giving up on any of this by any means, just trying to figure it all out. This is not about "poor me", this is about her.

correct, it is about helping her heal. and fixing you. You have been all those bad things, now the question is "Why?" and "what are you going to do about it?"

Understood Dr Jekyll. Going to start a new thread on here. Thank you everyone for all your suggestions and advice, it has helped open my eyes. I have become as transparent as I can, and am seeking professional help. I accept this was my doing, and mine alone. I am putting no pressure on her in regards to the future of our relationship. It is up to me to make her want the marriage to continue. All I can do now is my best, and be the husband she deserves.

Thanks again everyone.