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I left because he did tell her he loved her. He brought her into our home, and into our bed. And when I told him he could not have both of us, he said he couldn't lose her. When he learned that I was packing up and leaving, he brought her home with him... so that I could see her smug little "I win" smile. He broke my trust and my heart.

I am considering R because I have made it impossible for us to live together for 1 year, and that seems like enough time to make a calm informed decision. He nolonger works with her, lives with her, or speaks to her. Because he kept telling me that he knew I deserved better, that none of his A was my fault. I married him because I already knew I could forgive him for anything, and forgave him for this two days after I moved out. I am considering R because I can't help but love him. I know I can live without him, I can take care of myself (He is the one having trouble living without me). I tried dating other men during the S when he was living with his AP, but they just weren't my husband. I believe in the commitment that I made, so R deserves at least consideration.

But every day I have this argument with myself, every day I go from "you love him, of course you will try again." To "are you insane?!?! Look what he did to you. Look at how poorly he treated you so that he could build his relationship with a stupid teenager. He threw you away, and now thinks he can just pick you back up!?!?"

[This message edited by ThrownAwayTwice at 11:23 PM, July 28th (Monday)]

The reasons that I have stayed have changed over time. Originally, I wanted to be sure of what i wanted before I ended it. I knew that I would never come back once I left. I knew our children(young adults) would be devastated and I didnt want to see them hurt if I could help it. And, damn it, I just hate to fail.

Over time, I have watched him become a more caring, loving, generous person and I simply like what I see. I have always enjoyed his company, and I see no reason to deprive myself of the company of someone I enjoy because of his poor choices of the past.

The reason that I stay now is simply because I want to. I feel as safe with him as I believe is possible. I have things set up so that I would be fine if we parted which is ultimately what makes me safe.

I believe in me again, I see my h working every day to be a person that he can be proud of.

I stayed because I couldn't stand the picture of his next girlfriend/wife raising MY kids half the time.

I stay for a few reasons;

First and foremost I stay because cheating isn't a dealbreaker for me. It never has been and it never will be.

I stay because I'll be damned if I let the OW 'win' and have any say over the direction of my life.

I stay because I want to look my kids in the eye and tell them truthfully I gave my marriage to their father everything I had.

I stay because he's trying.

I stay because I love him.

I stay because I believe I'm strong enough to do the hard work of R and because I think the happiness I find there will be greater than if I leave and D.

I stay because with or without him, I'll be absolutely fine but when given the choice I'd prefer to have him around.

I stay because my children need their daddy.

Wow. Tough one for today.

I stayed, initially, because I was completely blindsided and had nothing else to grab on to. He was my world- I had given up everything for him and I was truly truly shocked that it had happened.

Then, he cried and begged and really really worked on it. We went through absolute hell- not only the A, but outside events didn't care that we were suffering and we had to deal with the A and all of the other crap that life throws at you. That bonded us and we helped each other through it.

Now the smoke has cleared- no one is scared or angry or acting crazy. We have routines back and conversations and weekends spent together.

So now that my emotions aren't on overload? Now that I am not desperate to prove that I am better than her? Now that I am not so insecure I need him to tell me I'm great all the time?

Now I stay because it's practical. I love him- and during certain times of the day I am in love with him. So much less than before. But we have a life, a history of making it through tough things together, we have middle school children that don't deserve the chaos that would ensue if we split. He is my friend and my companion. My only one to be honest, as I pulled away from everyone after d day.

My family is 3000 miles away, my career is here and the only support he would have if I left is his very untrustworthy and manipulative family- the thought of them having access to my kids without my influence is enough to keep me here.

I wish I could be more romantic about it. I'm sure he would like me to be. But for today- it's just practical, it's comfortable and I don't want my life to change

I want to be happy like I used to be- I want to be happy with him. I don't know if that will ever happen, but for now- the day to day is working on a functional level. Why disrupt so many lives? As long as I'm not crying or yelling, he seems to be happy. And since I've gotten that pretty much under control for the past few months- I mean, what's the point - he seems okay.

I am hoping that my feelings will change eventually. I am hoping that he didn't completely destroy it all. He is sorry- terribly so- but that doesn't change the fact that it happened.

So I stay because it's easier than leaving. Because he is and has been my friend and lover for 15 years. Because I understand why it happened- it's not okay- but I understand.

I stay because he is a great father and I love our family unit.

I'm waiting until the day that I stay because I know I deserve to be happy and he makes me happy. I don't want anyone else to make me happy- I picked him for a reason.

I've made the choice to stay and try to R because I love him. I loved him enough to donate my kidney to him so that he didn't go through dialysis and we were soulmates enough that I was a match for that. i stay because I want to honor my marriage vows of for better or for worse, etc. I stay because he says he will do whatever it takes to win my trust back and do what's necessary to give me my time to heal.

I want to hope that we can get back what we've lost these last 2 years and be even better than we were before. I don't know if its totally possible at this point, but I want to give it my best shot before I call it quits.

As so many have already said, I am staying because I love her. I am staying because, when I confronted her she didn't try to blame-shift or to protect herself emotionally, socially, or legally.

A lot of things made me decide to stay.

• The look in his eyes. He had been on a research trip for the 2 months prior to D-Day. When we finally saw each other again (right before D-Day), the look of love and sheer joy in his eyes told me that he still loved me very much. And I was overwhelmed by how much joy I felt, too, in spite of knowing that D-Day was just around the corner. In other words...

• Love. I've loved that man for 22 years.

• His reaction to my confrontation on D-Day--accepting responsibility, answering my questions in a forthright manner, not blame shifting, agreeing to NC, assuring me that he loved me in spite of the A, showing deep remorse, agreeing to transparency.

• My deep conviction that in spite of the horror of the A, my H was (is!) a good person who had gone terribly astray and is unlikely ever to do such a thing again.

• My strong belief in repentance and redemption.

• I wanted to feel that if we did eventually D, I could at least tell myself that I had tried my best, that I had done the right thing by giving him a second chance.

• I did not want OW to win!

• Practical concerns: Although I would have been in decent shape financially if we had D'ed, staying gives me far more security.

My decision to stay has been reinforced over these two years. Although in my most despairing moments I've teetered on the stay/go tightrope, it is clear to me that the man I married is back and that I made the right decision.

I stayed because he was as willing as I was to make something better.

For us, something better became an understatement. I continue to stay because we both recognize the gift we were given with a second chance and we show our gratitude daily.

i've thought about this question for two days now.

why? Because for 25 years of marriage he put our family first, even though it meant too big of a sacrifice for our marriage. That could have been easily solved. Instead, it turned into a nuclear bomb because of my affair.

As a MH I understand the pull of feeling unwanted and that drug seems so easy to reach for, and no one gets hurt, or so we think. So I do understand that his affairs are about his need to escape pain.

Sure we have the kids (grown), and the potential grandkids, a lake home we are working towards and the ease and comfort of being together. History of so many good times, laughs and watching our children grow. Couples friends who mean the world to us.

There is also my diminished self-worth and I cringe when I think of him with another woman, or another woman hosting Christmas for my children.

If I had to weigh all this on a scale it would probably be a no brainer.

I could come up with a million little reasons to stay, and love would be beside the point, at least for me. The hardest thing here is forgiving myself for staying.

[This message edited by rachelc at 5:15 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)]

Because I love him, and there's a really good man underneath; if he'll just let God show him how he see's him.

I am probably one of the recenter posters that prompted this post.

I don't think I am staying around much longer but I feel actually reflecting on this and writing it down (here I guess) will help me understand later why I didn't just run for the hills like I probably should have on DD.

1. Love. Thats a hard emotion to negotiate with and fight against. The heart is probably the most all consuming thing I can think of, blinds like nothing else in this world. When it sets its sight on something good effing luck changing that course easily. I am still so madly in love. Why I don't know. Stupid heart, wish it would stop.

2. We just got married. Originally I felt that maybe this was one of the many trial of marriage and he was actually willing for the first time to do IC and MC, figured I should try. Its not working and marriage means little if only one person is honoring their vows, especially since the EA was happening during the time we made those vows.

3. For myself. I knew if I walked away I would regret not trying, always wonder what if. I am fast reaching the point where I know I have tried everything and he will not change but until I feel 100% sure of that (I'm 99% sure now) I would have always wondered and it would have made it harder on me later.

4. For him. Stupid and not deserving I know, but something about me wants to be the person to help him through something tough, to be there as he finds a way to be a better person, to be there for him. Even though he wasn't for me and isn't being now, I am a caring person and that is my nature. I decided from day 1 I would not compromise myself for him, stay true to who I am. Well I feel I am a changed person and honestly not as caring and nurturing as I used to be because of this. It makes me sad.

5. His family. I actually love his family more than him at this point. My mom died and his family and I are very close. We used to (before DD) eat there every weekend since our first month together and I do work for the family business. I already lost my mom and losing his, which would be inevitable by divorcing him, is a staggeringly heart breaking and breath stopping thought for me. I am not just losing him and our relationship but two other people I consider family and love like my own parents.

6. Compatibility. Both of us are rather unique from most people in our interests, music tastes, spiritual beliefs, etc... Even though he met me at a young age, we had so much in common it seemed like a good fit even with the age difference. We also have intense sexual compatibility that has not wavered (prior to DD anyway) at all for either of us even after over 7 years. We acted like love struck teenagers often when it came to sex. Everyone raved about how amazing it was to find each other, how we couldn't be more perfect fit with all we like and enjoy.

Well I don't know if that helped or not, now I just feel sadder than I can handle. But I hope when I am gone and angry with myself for letting him treat me like he did for so long I re-read this and have compassion for myself.

I guess for me it is knowing that we were in a bad place when it happened. We didn't make time for each other. I could have cared less about what was going on with him I was busy with career and kids, I guess I didn't know what to ask for in my marriage. I sure as hell know now, as much as it sucked the life out if me I think it was a shock to us both to realize how much we do love each other.

With that being said I will never allow myself to be in this position again. No apology, no excuse, nothing he could ever do or say will make me go through this again.

My naive newlywed self in her 20s would have considered infidelity to be a deal breaker and if I were to tell family or friends of my WH's LTA (no one knows) they would probably tell me to leave this marriage. But while my head tells me that I may never be able to trust my WH again and he is not the person I thought I married, my heart says I love him and I can't see my life without him.

Our relationship has changed. We talk more and about important subjects. We plan time together-dates, trips and evenings at home. He is treating me better than he has in a great many years.

We've been married for 31 years so I believe this marriage deserves every effort we can make. And I want my children (all grown) to know that I haven't given up on their dad or our marriage and will do everything in my power to save it.

Why am I staying with my WS? Because I still love her. And my love for her trumped the anger I felt against her. Even though she had hurt me greatly, I felt no desire to hurt her back. I didn't bottle up the anger. I still made sure she knew how I felt, but I didn't explode.

I also believe that she never stopped loving me. She wrongly thought that I didn't love her anymore and that, coupled with self esteem issues stemming from FOO and CSA, was why she sought out the attention from the AP. If I thought for a moment that she didn't love me, things would have turned out a lot differently.

I originally stayed because I thought that I loved my husband and he loved me and we would work through this. I don't think that any more. I now stay because:

1. I quit my job to be a stay at home mother and support my husband's career. He traveled a lot until recently,with my job at the post office (early hours)I could not find reliable child care.

When the kids went to school, I worked low wage jobs so I could be home when they were home. Now I can only get low wage jobs. Tough to live around here on 8$ an hour.

2. I now stay home to care for my mother (has lived with us for 13 years). She could not take care of herself and would have to go in a home if I went back to work full time.

3.I am closing in on 60, and I can't imagine dating.

4.Our home is almost paid for, the cars are paid for, now was the time we were supposed to travel and enjoy ourselves after years of penny pinching.

5.Oddly, even though I think our marriage is dead, we still get along well and enjoy doing things together.

If I was younger and had a career, I would leave.

In the beginning it was because I wanted to punish him. Also, it was not going to win!!! No one else will wear the crown that I put the jewels into.

Then he was diagnosed with cancer and I needed to stay. I needed to be on the front lines fighting this enemy alongside the love of my life.

Today I stay, because my H is doing his best to be a better person. He had been searching for advice and direction before he confessed the A.

I stay because I acknowledge that I was not a quality person and needed to work on myself.

Out of all this mess, we love each other and we both want a good healthy relationship. My H and I have come to realize that wanting is not enough. We have to do the work to make it so. Both of us have areas that need improvement. My H sees how his FOO issues have been a permeating theme throughout his life. I see how mine have affected me.

This journey of life has all kinds of ebbs and flows. Tom Cochrane's "Life Is A Highway" just popped into my head..."and I'm gonna ride it all night long".

This is a great question and not easy to answer.

Basically, I love him and I trust him when he says he's here because he loves me.

and that trust is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to give.

In the first couple of months I stayed bc I love him. Now I am staying bc he is working hard on himself, is very very sorry, and I can still see glimmers of the person he wants to be. But more realistically, I am staying because divorce in our state is very expensive and I am about to be a full time student and need his financial support and childcare. When school is over, if things haven't changed (or if they have, but I can't get past it), I am out.

I've had 3 DD's with WSO with the same OW each time. She is a much younger woman and we just had this conversation the other day.... of the 17 years we've lived together (actually together for 29) he has been with HER off and on for half of it. I could see this sink in and he understood then why I felt devalued. But I have asked myself, as has my IC, why I stayed this time, the third time.

I think it's probably different for everyone. We're not married. We don't own property together (other than things and animals that would have to be divided up)so leaving would be fairly simple. I had lined up a place to live after this last DD and he begged me to stay and hear what he had to say. I stayed. I listened. I realized that the last two DD I had not dealt with the issues at all. I realized that if there was still any reason I wanted to love this man... we would both have to be willing to work to fix the break, which had been there silently since before his first affair. I had to admit my responsibility for what was lacking in the relationship as he had to be willing to find appropriate outlets for his emotions when he felt he was under-appreciated.

Why do I still want to do this? Because he's still the man I fell in love with. The qualities that drew me to him are still there. I WANT that man. I want that man to have a better way of making himself feel better when things are hard. So, rather than leave and either live alone or take a chance with some other man who may or may not have issues to deal with I choose to be part of the solution. We BOTH have issues to deal with and we BOTH need to find ways to deal with them together rather than apart. I accept my part in this.

So, THIS time I stay. Will it happen again? Who knows. I know that if it does, I've done everything I can to be the woman he wants and needs and the problem must be deeper inside him than I am willing to go. But THIS time, I stay.