SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

JLyn:

Will it happen again? Who knows. I know that if it does, I've done everything I can to be the woman he wants and needs and the problem must be deeper inside him

the problem has always resided in him. It has nothing to do with being the woman he wants. You understand this, right?

hmm that's a hard question

1. Hope and effort. I'm trying to R because he seems genuinely remorseful - with words but also with actions. he seemed that way from dday. He has been putting in the effort since dday. He wants to fix this. I want to fix this. I think if we both want it and are doin gthe work, it can be repaired.

2. I loved him. I never thought he was perfect, I always saw his flaws but loved him despite it. He was one of the most amazing people I'd ever met. And he broke, he broke hard and he's still trying to figure out why. But I remember who he used to be - and although that person is dead now - I believe if anyone can work on fixing themselves and becoming a better person, then it's him.

3. When I married him, it was because I wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. And that's not a commitment I'm ready to to turn away from yet, so long as he's putting in the effort to fix this and is remorseful. If things are broken, and we can fix them, then I want to fix them. if he continues to break them or doesn't seem to care that he broke them - then yeah I'm gone.

4. Our kids. The kids are not why i stay, but they are a motivation to at least put the effort in trying. I could not bear to lose my kids 50% of the time because of HIS choices unless he continues making choices that indicate that my children would be growing up in a broken home - at which poin obviously being from a broken home is much better than being in one.

the problem has always resided in him. It has nothing to do with being the woman he wants. You understand this, right?

I own 50% of the problems in our relationship before his affairs. That's what I'm referring to. I was not happy, he was not happy, we were not dealing with it. I did not choose to seek comfort outside our relationship... he did. He owns 100% of that. We are working together to create a place where we both have our needs met and learning how to ask for what we need. We were broken... in many ways. I understand that some men cheat with nothing but excuses... in our situation, there were actual reasons. They could have been dealt with in a more productive way....and that's what we're working on.

Lust. 45 years together. For better or worse. A belief that she was sick and would get herself healthy.

I'm one of those who wanted a lot more form R than not cheating again. Very hard work for both of us, but worth it, I think.

Down and unusually negative right now - A season is almost upon me...but A season has been less and less impactful over the last 3.5 years.

Lust. 45 years together. For better or worse. A belief that she was sick and would get herself healthy.

I'm one of those who wanted a lot more form R than not cheating again. Very hard work for both of us, but worth it, I think.

Down and unusually negative right now - A season is almost upon me...but A season has been less and less impactful over the last 3.5 years.

Lust.

I love this answer!

Here are my reasons...

I stay because ultimately no one will love our daughter more or treat her better. She doesn't deserved to be punished for her parents mistakes. I also want her to know that this worked isn't about self gratification. I think as a society we give up to easily. We choose a person to marry and then when push comes to shove we give up. That's not the message I want my daughter to have.

I stay because we have a lot of history and even though I've never cheated on him I can't say I've always been a model wife. We've both had moments of taking one another for granted.

I stay because I see the pain in his eyes over what he has done to me and himself. He has shown true remorse for his actions and I believe that he sees the pain he's caused me and doesn't want to see it again.

I stay because the grass isn't always greener and problems don't go away just because you find a new person or leave a person. I think in the long run it could actually make things worse.

I stay because my husband has been doing the things I need for him to do to heel and being as patient as possible when he sees me hurting.

I stay so that my daughter won't suffer financially. I actually used to make more money than my husband until I decided to stay at home with out daughter so I'm not worried about myself so much but ultimately my daughter would suffer. And like someone else said on here I really don't want my husband spending his time and money on dating or trivial things and not his daughter.

I stay because I believe things will get better and we will have a better marriage in the end. Like I said before I've done things to my fWH that I take full responsibility for and even though I haven't cheated and his affair wasn't my fault I'm responsible for 50% of the problems that take place or continue in my marriage.

I stay because I too also refuse to let someone win who means nothing to my fWH or my family. He wouldn't be with her if I left and I would hate for her to think she had some part in my life. Ultimately she's unimportant.

I stay because I love my husband and I know he loves me. He never told his AP he loved her or that he wanted to leave me. I don't even think it crossed his mind. He knows me better than anyone and I know him. In the end I know that we are stronger than this affair.

These are not in a particular order and some may seem trivial to others but they are my reasons.

I'm not sure if this will help anyone else but it did help me to write it out and remind myself why I'm here and that my future may not be as bad as the pain feels at times.

I agree with JLyn....I am responsible for 50% of the problems we had in our marriage. I just kept thinking time would sort it out. But in hindsight I can clearly see how we had just become more like roommates. We obviously had issues in our marriage we just overlooked. I also was not really happy, but I did not choose to seek comfort outside our relationship. My WH was going through a midlife crisis and he chose someone outside our marriage. He takes responsibility for 100% of his decisions. We too were broken in many ways. JLyn is right that some men cheat with nothing but excuses, however the reasons for either side were there in our situation. In hindsight it is all so obvious...I don't know why I ignored my gut feelings for so long. As ludicrous as it is seems to give any acceptance to the A we needed that harsh slap of reality to want to save our marriage.

I believe the R will be a work in progress for the rest of our lives. I know my line in the sand and that if it is crossed there is nothing to R anymore.

I agree with JLyn....I am responsible for 50% of the problems we had in our marriage. I just kept thinking time would sort it out. But in hindsight I can clearly see how we had just become more like roommates. We obviously had issues in our marriage we just overlooked. I also was not really happy, but I did not choose to seek comfort outside our relationship. My WH was going through a midlife crisis and he chose someone outside our marriage. He takes responsibility for 100% of his decisions. We too were broken in many ways. JLyn is right that some men cheat with nothing but excuses, however the reasons for either side were there in our situation. In hindsight it is all so obvious...I don't know why I ignored my gut feelings for so long. As ludicrous as it is seems to give any acceptance to the A we needed that harsh slap of reality to want to save our marriage.

I believe the R will be a work in progress for the rest of our lives. I know my line in the sand and that if it is crossed there is nothing to R anymore.

I stayed because I wanted to give it a shot at working out.

I think the issue with a lot of false R is about compromising on shit that shouldn't be compromised on - a WS doesn't have to be saccharine and sneaky if s/he is doing the same shit s/he always did.

Actions Not Words is about stuff like being given the respect expected in a mutual, adult relationship - not being made to feel like shit for questioning why you don't feel respected.

I own 50% of the problems in our relationship before his affairs. That's what I'm referring to. I was not happy, he was not happy, we were not dealing with it.

If you changed Affair to Alcoholism, would you still say you owned 50% of the problems in your relationship before the Alcoholism?

An affair isn't a symptom of a bad marriage, it's a major contributor to it.

I stayed because I believed he was worth it. I was right. And I've never regretted it. Not once.

I could write a book about this, but the main reason is that I married a good man, who I love deeply, and who is my best friend. At a low point in his life, got himself in an enormous mess - one that brought out the absolute worst in him and caused him to do selfish, destructive and self-destructive things.

But, he is the love of my life, and one doesn't just abandon people when they fall. While this has felt personally devastating to me, fundamentally, it was not about me. So, I don't agree that somehow he has affected my soul, as the original post implies. It only does if I let it, and I fully intend to heal from this.

So, I fundamentally believe in him, and in our family. If I turn out to be wrong, I'll just take all this capacity to love with me out the door!

"I stayed because I believed he was worth it. I was right. And I've never regretted it."

I love him. I lust him. We are best friends. He was remorseful, began being there for me on dday. Worked on himself, went to IC, figured out his why. He is fully present. Puts "us" first. He communicates with me about everything.

Today we have a very intimate, passionate relationship where we are strong enough to be open and vulnerable. I am no longer passive or afraid to say what I feel. Hate the road traveled but love the destination.

It varies.

Initially, to keep the pieces together, to not negatively impact my kids until they flew the coup.

Then, I was trying hard to ensure my kids understood divorce was the result of mom, not me.

Then along the way, I understood my wife was always in love with me, was damaged, and was remorseful, Also, I gained strength to live with the past, knowing I didn't need to run, that I was strong enough. I also realized my wife was growing at the same time and dealing with her past.

Now....the love is still there. We are still improve ourselves through each other. Life is 100 times better and peaceful now.

What is common is that each purpose was to improve my legacy. Along the way, I had hope recovery would improve my legacy.

That's awesome Sisoon.

I'm going to steal my answer from Meta with a slight change. I stayed because I hoped he was worth it and I was right.

He's proved in every way he was worth that risk.

Why am I staying (present tense)? He's an incredibly thoughtful, compassionate and loving spouse. I couldn't ask for anything more. I love him with all my heart, and I know he feels the same way.

I guess I'm afraid.

Holding hand up – also afraid.

Kids

His disability

Finances

All very poor reasons.

I keep looking at the thread ans trying to find the words despite all the conflicting emotions.

I stay because I truly believe he is, at his core, a good man.

He has owned his shit and is willing to do the work to try to fix it. He's got some deep down broken in there, but for the first time in his life he is working though it rather than running and hiding from it.

He is sensitive to my pain and (most often) is compassionate in his response my triggers, etc.

And as awful as this sounds, I stay knowing it's a decision I can choose to make or not make every day. If one day I choose not to stay, I know I'll be OK.

Because I wanted to see if the man he was going to change into was going to be as awesome as I thought he could be. I was right, he is. Because I love him, and I always will, together or not. Because he knows me better than any other person on this earth, and that means so very much to me.

Honestly, I stayed for my DD. She was slowly, mentally falling apart and I couldn't let that happen to her. So, after his "one last f*ck" with the MOW, I swallowed my trepidation and my pride and laid out my boundaries and expectations. It is now 18 months later and I realize that I stayed for myself as well. I have loved him for almost 25 years, he is my best friend and my support. We lost our connection for the 2 years leading up to his A, but it was always there, just buried under hurt, resentment and lack of communication. We are slowly getting it back and are in the "we can read each other's mind stage" again.