SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Isn't that strange to say after loving her for 20 years? To me it's unbelievably fucking surreal. I thought I knew her but in a very real sense we were strangers. This is one of the reasons I got blindsided I think.

It's absolutely one of the reasons you got blindsided. She's not who you thought she was. She has probably kept you at arms length your entire marriage. I'm sure that's where some of the p/a behavior comes in so that she doesn't have to open up to you.

You know what you need. She does keep showing you who she is. I think what I'm hearing from you is that if she's not safe, that she's a stranger to you. Doesn't mean that she can't change if she could do the hard work. The reality is that's just not going to happen for her. I can imagine how fucking surreal this must feel to you. Everything you thought you knew is a travesty in the truest sense of the word.

I don't want to keep piling on as I know Lklb5 is a person too and the mother of your kids, but the reality of who she is, what she has done, what she continues to be capable of, is just too great for her to have any sort of healthy relationship. With you or anyone in her future. She may say that she will never participate in infidelity again and she very well may mean it. Have you seen how many WSs said the same thing and here they are again for round two years later here on SI lately? It's soul crushing. Most of the repeat offenders never got to their "why's". Lklb5 has not gotten to her why's either other than to blame you for past issues in the M. She's fully capable of infidelity again with someone else. Anyone who hears of her history is going to know she's not relationship material because she's not safe. That's what matters.

I'm really not trying to be nasty here mhca. Just trying to point out the obvious that the rest of us see. She's still following the p/a white knuckle WS pattern that I have seen in my own life more than once. I've seen that future more than once. It sucks to see it playing out again for you. I worry about you mhca.

yop

Everyone -

Let's stick to supporting the Original Poster.

For the record I feel very supported by y'all.

My STBX I'm sure does not though. This weekend she told me she does read my posts, but only "once in a blue moon." That seemed a little strange, but whatever.

Stay strong mhca you will survive this

Her wanting to R now is all about her. It has nothing to do with you. Just like her cheating. You don't factor in.

Get the D. If, afterwards, YOU want to give her a chance to prove she can be wife material, then ok. But get the D first. Something tells me, though, that you won't want to take that risk again. There are too many good, honest, faithful women in the world.

One word of caution...don't post anything here that your attorney tells you. Your WW is reading every word. Every.word.

For the record mhca, not only would we continue to support you, many of us would support Lklb5 as well if she would come back. I know you were looking to have her get some support. Can't knock someone for reaching out and asking for help or getting their own support.

No matter what, whatever decisions you make, we are here for you mhca. Stay strong.

MHCA

You have just gotten a lot of good advice. Not much to add . I think you should not stop the D procedure no matter what you do or talk about with her.

You never did answer the question about her "date". So she still went out with another man while she is crawling in to you at 5am. And do you believe for a minute you ever would have found out about that date if you had not filed for D.?

And you believe a woman who did what she did has been in NC with any of her fuck buddies?

A list of suggestions to demand from her was given to you. Foremost on that list should be a lie detector test and the willingness to repeat it any time you get the urge. She should beg you to make the appointment. My guess is she would not if the first question was "have you been in contact with any other men or out with them since July 19"

Your call buddy.

If you talk about R I would have a lot of safeguards in place for a good long time

I agree with badhurt

she can't just say let get back together,she need to do the heavy lifting

first of all take a polygraph

seconde give you all her password,facebook,emails

third try to make it up to you in any way possible

-that what i did when i betrayed my husband ,and it was tottaly worth it now we don't have any secret between us

This weekend she told me she does read my posts, but only "once in a blue moon." That seemed a little strange, but whatever.

Bullshit. Is honesty her strong suit? I didn't think so.

One word of caution...don't post anything here that your attorney tells you. Your WW is reading every word. Every.word.

Read that. Then read it again.

[This message edited by PNWDad at 1:05 PM, September 3rd (Wednesday)]

Thanks everyone. I think my rule of thumb will that that I'll disclose about as much as she does about conversations with counsel.

So far that is precisely zero.

The process is continuing. I've come to accept it as inevitable at this point. Still hard, but that's the nature of this shit.

You seem to be doing a great job mhca, your strength is a tribute to your character!

YOP has given you lots of eloquent advice which I would recommend heeding if you ever decide there is a chance for R. He is also right in that if your stbx decided to come back with the dedication to do the hard work many of us would be there to help support her. Unfortunately support doesn't mean giving her a cuddle and telling her she isn't a bad person (which is what I think she wanted, why she saw this place as negative), it's about helping her to unravel her crappy thinking and coping skills, giving 2x4s (waywards only of course) when she needs it and celebrating with her when she finally gets a part of her healing. It takes guts to look yourself in the mirror and really see the person looking back, and that's not just for the waywards, us BS's often end up having to do it too. It's sad that up until now she has never been able to do it! And it has cost her you!

Keep up the strength mate, you will get there and whatever the future holds you know you can hold your head up and say "I did everything I could".