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I think I might be tempted to ask your wife "Do you think your affair with her husband had anything to do with this?" Not that I think it did nor do I think your letters had any bearing on this but just to throw that guilt ball back in her court and let it bounce around a bit!

I'll ask this.

Why isn't your wife blaming herself for her part in the destruction of this family?

She's great at laying guilt on you. Is she taking some blame?

I would be extra vigilant in policing your wife's phone, emails, etc.

Tough one, utterly. Crazy stuff.

My guess is that your W learned about it the way many of us did, via national TV. She might've recognized the woman’s name and did a little Google search at work. Her reaction to you, albeit crass, might have been to make sure that you were not a catalyst to what that woman did to her children. It might be that simple.

Regardless, you had absolutely nothing to do with this. Clearly that woman and her H were going thru a very ugly D - she lost it.

I just read your profile. You’re a saint to have survived your W’s issues. You must be a very strong man - continued strength thru this too.

Absolutely not, even if she got the letter the day before she killed her child (and attempted to kill the other).

This happened not far from our home, and at one of our favorite vacation destinations, so I have followed the news reports. These two sound like they have had a very volatile relationship for a very long time.

Here's a link to a story that says, and a quote,

"Greg Smith filed for divorce from Jessica on June 30, after about 20 years of turmoil between the two. Weeks after that she filed a restraining order against him, fearing for her safety and the safety of their daughters."

http://www.katu.com/news/local/Custody-plan-between-mom-accused-of-murdering-toddler-estranged-husband-not-uncommon--269931681.html

You had nothing to do with this. Your wife is lucky she got out unscathed. Any woman who would kill her own children...

[This message edited by Want2help at 2:17 PM, August 7th (Thursday)]

Oh, and it appears that they both have a history of infidelity (at least he is claiming that she also has cheated):

http://www.katu.com/news/investigators/Documents-show-Jessica-Smith-Greg-Smith-both-feared-for-childrens-safety-269868971.html

Quote from article:

"Smith had filed for divorce from his wife on June 30. The two were married in 1996, but he said they never fully recovered from an affair she had in 2001...

Smith said he told her on April 11 that he’d met somebody he thought of as “a good friend and more,” and that she asked him to move out four days later."

What a mess.

Apparently, he had just won Friday visitation in court. That appears to have been the final straw for her.

Poor children.

[This message edited by Want2help at 2:18 PM, August 7th (Thursday)]

Thanks for the replies. I know deep down that this is not my fault. I just can't believe that she implied that maybe it is my fault. I've put up with a lot in the past 5 years but this could be a make or break moment for us. She's been basically 180'd by me since she said it. Haven't discussed it yet because I'm trying to figure out how to handle it.

If she actually did try to imply that you informing OM's BW somehow related to this then quite frankly I'd file for D immediately.

If she actually did try to imply that you informing OM's BW somehow related to this then quite frankly I'd file for D immediately.

Seconded.

I wouldn't ever want to speak again to somebody who'd try to put that sort of shit in my head, let alone be married to them.

I'd like to give your wife the benefit of the doubt, and think that A) she did not mean it "like that" (implying that you had any fault in this), AT ALL, or B) she is feeling some major guilt and doesn't know how to handle it, so she took it out on you when really it has nothing to do with you.

Dwelling on it won't help you figure out if it's A, B, or C (she actually blames you, which I don't think is likely).

If you can find it in your heart, go to her and ask "Do you want to talk about it?"

Marriage takes communication. Reconciliation takes LOTS of communication.

Wow, what a horrible shock to find out. She obviously is very disturbed, and of course you are not in any way shape or form to blame for her terrible and tragic behaviour. I do not think you WWW is necessarily suggesting you are at fault. I could see myself asking the same question simply in wanting to get a clearer picture of the circumstances in which this tragedy occurred.

I think in such tragedies people will naturally question any and all behaviours surrounding the tragedy, in an effort to better understand something that really can never be understood.

My exWWBF 's 19 year old son hanged himself on Jan 15, 2014. I know I did nothing to 'cause' his decision to die, but I still felt myself needing to go through my actions and see if anything I had done was now, with this new information of his suicide, something I regretted having done. And there wasn't. But I still needed to ask myself.

I think your WWW might be doing that too, and she may have heaps of unspoken guilt concerning her actions in the light of this tragedy, but is too shaken up and freaked out to process them yet.

No, this is not blood on your hands. It is in no way, shape, or form your fault. This person did not deal with life and whatever was going on in an appropriate manner. It's so sad, but not your fault.

So I asked WW today why she asked me if I'd sent more letters & that it seemed like she was laying blame on me. She said it was because a 2 year old was killed and she was upset. I said that it makes no sense to ask me that if she didn't think I was responsible. Told her all I did was let this woman know her husband cheated on her which was the right thing to do. Her response was that it wasn't really cheating. Apparently oral sex no longer qualifies as cheating. It seems that she's implying I shouldn't have told about the A.

I feel that we might be done. There's still a chance but that would require her to set up MC. She says she'll go if I set it up. The time I set it up before the affairs were discovered she hated the therapist so we didn't go back. The time she set it up she showed up an hour late for a one hour appointment. Found out later that she was with OM#1. Needless to say, I have a bad taste in my mouth over MC. Tell me if I'm being unreasonable by making setting up MC her responsibility.

Almost forgot. I'm a "selfish asshole"!

Holy shit.

5 years later..and now she is saying it wasn't cheating?

Im sorry...I'd file for a divorce..and when she gets pissed, I'd tell her that's ok..it wasn't really a marriage since marriage takes 2 committed people.

And you are a selfish asshole for telling his wife her husband was using your wife as the BJ fairy? Yeah...file. Fuck that noise.

Her actions have nothing to do with your letters. A mother who can hurt or kill her children is mentally ill.

Bottom line if your WW feels like the A was somehow a catalyst or related to this woman's actions then your WW and her OM must take full responsibility for that and all its downstream consequences. But the OM bears the most responsibility if his betrayal and deceipt threw his BW into insanity.

[This message edited by whattheh at 2:35 PM, August 8th (Friday)]

Absolutely not your fault. Just read up on the story - very sad all around.

the only one with blood on their hands in this situation is the BW. I am a very firm believer in holding people to account for their own actions.

having said that, I would filed for D immediately. 5 years later and she still is unwilling to take any responsibility for her own actions?

strength

FTB!! How dare she even think to imply you had something to do with it!

There were have not been any letters to send if your WW and OM weren't having an A, now would there?

Still doesn't sound like she is taking any responsibility for her actions.

Again, FTB!!!

Sending strength, ub. 5 yrs?? I'm at 5 yrs too, but my H has finally woken up with true remorse.

Give her the papers!

Utterly broken:

IF anyone other than the woman who committed the murders is at fault, it is Your wife and the OM.

I know you may be thinking this women was fragile, possibly being abused by a manipulative husband, who you KNOW FOR A FACT CHEATED ON her, but he may have already been involved in another affair, by now....3 years later.

Domestic violence is tricky. It's always he said/she said because there are rarely adult witnesses.

I would try to ensure that your wife did not take the affair underground.

She was definitely blameshifting.

My wayward pleaded with me not to tell the OW's husband because he would beat her. I didn't because I, too, was afraid her husband would beat her, and they continued contact.

When I alerted him, the contact stopped.

When I met him, he was a sweet guy, and even his own FIL said he treated the OW well. NO abuse. She was lying about that to my husband to ensure I would not tell him.

Holy shit.

5 years later..and now she is saying it wasn't cheating?

To follow up what she laid on you the other day with this level of minimization?

Get papers drawn up and pack her fucking bags, man.

seethelight We live over 1400 miles away so I doubt it was taken underground. I forgot to mention that WW said she was going to send a sympathy card to OM. I told her that NC means NC. She said she could send it anonymously. I suggested she send an anonymous sympathy card to some random victim of a tragedy.

I noticed a text from WW to a neighbor lady in which she said she was depressed about what happened to her "friend's" daughter. The "friend" reference made me sick. I'm sure she just used that term to avoid saying "one of the guy's who I cheated on my husband with", but still.