SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

how broken she is, what she did

And you can bet a paycheck she'll do it again...and like you said, she's his problem now.

The only thing in all of this that really chaps my ass is that this charmer is mean to your kids. That is unacceptable.

This upsets me as well...thank goodness they have you!

I am lonely but will not bring another woman into my children's lives for a long time, as they are struggling with their mother's relationship with her boyfriend,

^^^I get this AD. I fully expect my XWW to announce she is getting married at some point as well. The lonely phase goes away but IMO you are doing the right thing not bringing people around your kids yet. My kids have to deal with "Mommy's boyfriend" as well and while he doesn't seem to be mean to them it's obvious that it still bothers them. I am my kids safe place and want it to stay that way for as long as possible. I actually met someone that I really like but I won't be bringing her around the kids for a long time.

At some point this stuff will no longer bother you. I really am glad that my XWW is no longer my problem. The imploding will continue because they are too stubborn to admit that they made poor decisions or are wrong. They just keep walking through the mine field. You can watch the little mushroom clouds as they keep exploding in the distance. Me personally I walked the other way and I don't see or hear anything anymore. You've come this far so you will make it through this as well.

I couldn't imagine if the AP was mean to dd...I would lose it.

This all sucks. All of it.

Thanks, Everyone. 7rs, I aspire to where you are now. Love the mushroom-clod metaphor. So apropos: my XW's life is a train-wreck of bad decisions. It seems as soon as I filed, everything fell apart: she's been fired from jobs, fired from three attorneys, sued by one attorney, I get unpaid traffic violations in the mail...makes me wonder just how glorious her new life can be. Where is her KISA in all this?

Where is her KISA in all this?

'Saving' somebody else.

I understand.

My XW husband married his AF.

I think, honestly, I have been spared.

I would anticipate you have been spared too. And your children.

The "trick" now, is to not be putting on the victim suit. Instead, it is to recognize that we love our X's ... but honestly, given their mix ups and inability to be attached to family/marriage, it is fine to release them to wander about in their own chaotic pursuit of happiness. Meanwhile, it is our "job" to care for our children the best we can. And, care for ourselves.

I do not know about you, but the whole infidelity thing just did not work. It never will. I am not well wired for this kind of relationship. Nor do I believe that is my job (or ability) to "make" another person happy.

If you ex is happy with her future husband, yay for her. Same for my ex... if his happiness is tied to his AP (and now his wife).. yay for him. AND.. good luck with that!

These people we loved... the ones we had our children with ... they have their "stuff" to work through. Sure, we choose them as our mates. Now, we can be thankful for the good, the love, and... our fabulous children.

Beyond that, they have their whatevers to work through. It has nothing to do with us.

Abbondad,

Slight t/j:

Keep a watchful eye on how XW's soon to be husband treats your kids. My parents divorced when I was 7, and Dad remarried when I was 11. My stepmom was mean to me, and eventually destroyed my relationship with my father.

I am now learning that by marrying my H, I was somehow trying to "fix" my broken relationship with my dad. My H is a sex addict, has hurt me in countless ways, and as I now go through thousands of dollars of therapy, I am finally figuring out my own brokenness. Much of this stems from my relationship with my father and my incredibly mean stepmother. End t/j

Please listen to what your kids tell you about their relationship with their mom and her soon to be new H, and please be sure to address their needs in counseling if needed.

Thanks again, Everyone.

Please listen to what your kids tell you about their relationship with their mom and her soon to be new H, and please be sure to address their needs in counseling if needed.

I do, and it is painful to hear. XW has abdicated all to AP, telling our children AP is "in charge." This despite our kids' therapist point-blank telling XW that SHE is in charge of her children and that it is important the children know this.

When the kids are with them, XW does not spend time with our children, just the three of them, which is what our kids literally beg her for. (I overhear this on the phone.) AP POS tells my sensitive little DD, seven, to "shut her mouth," and berates her. DD tells me that he "says other things that hurt my feelings," but will not disclose what else he says specifically. Even DS, who frequently fights with his little sister, is angry with POS at this.

I tried twice to respectfully address this with XW and was met with rage and the second time, flat denial. So I have given up and suffer in silence. When they are with me I do my best to give them extra TLC.

DS has a great deal of anger toward his mom being with POS and yells at her on the phone that he hates her, she is not his real mother, he refuses to ever go there again, etc. She then love-bombs him and buys him things that I won't, and he is placated. Until the next time and the cycle repeats. This occurs on a weekly basis.

None of this is a result of projection of my own feelings onto my kids. I am very careful never to bad mouth XW or POS to the children. Never. Yet inwardly of course I suffer for them and swallow a great deal of anger.

I fear what behaviors adolescence will bring--how they will act out.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 6:59 AM, August 18th (Monday)]

I'm really sorry, AD.

It's happening here too as I hear my daughter talk about Perv and Fatty B...one day she -my daughter-had a pile of papers in my car and one was a bride magazine! Suffice to say, I've been trying to figure out how to get it the hell out without alienating my kid.

I have my own theories but think it's likely he will have people to be his "property" again and they can pretend they are legit...the ladder I think is more likely.

I used to write about a former neighbor, who is a friend of mine who's ten. His father is doing the same and what I find interesting there is he, the mom and brother all roll their eyes at the dad and GF. You know, the mom told me the dad "got to pick the colors" and apparently he chose the ones the x-my friend's mother-picked.

I'm sorry to be so long-winded but this is very familiar. Even when we can let go, it's still hard and still some very marked change.

I feel the same as you do with being lonesome and my kids, who are very confused little people. I want them to believe in me and see their struggle with their father.

IMO, that's a really kind and sensitive parent.

Thank you, Ashland. I just found a text from DS10 to XW:

"I know you are going to marry him. Please don't. My life will be ruined and I will never visit you again."

I've told him that his mother has a right to do what she wants, that if she marries it won't change anything for the worse, he will be OK, he is loved, and on and on... Seemingly to no avail. He is despondent and angry. I am not sure what else I can do.

I'm sorry. I can imagine how much that hurts - I can identify with your situation. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your children.

May I just say that your XWW has not found her true love. There is no such thing. Love is an action, not an emotion or state of being. She has shown that she is not capable of 'true love.' True love means sticking with someone through thick and thin, working through things, and not abandoning your spouse and your children. How can that be part of anything 'true'? I can almost guarantee you that within 10-15 years at the latest she will be moving on to someone else.

When you talked to your DS, did he say why he thinks/feels his life would be ruined and why he wouldn't want to visit her again?

Will you notify his counsellor and see what she/he has to say about it? Maybe he/she can help.

Continuous berating and statements like "shut your mouth" are abusive. You may want to talk with your attorney or the police about what to do to minimize that contact.

Thank you.

Yes, I have discussed many times with DS what exactly his fears and concerns are. Simply, he does not like XW's AP. According to him, XW defers to him on everything, delegates discipline to him, and seemingly prefers to spend her time with him rather than with DS and DD.

If XW marries AP, DS and DD give up any hope that XW will leave AP and devote herself to them only. I try my best to assuage DS's concerns but of course I cannot simply tell DS what he wants to hear. Likely they will marry and the situation will not change much.

He and I have both spoken with DS's therapist, and I have spoken with my attorney about AP's nasty treatment of the children.

Bottom line is nothing can be done barring a crossing of a clear legal line (e.g., violence). DS needs to adjust emotionally, and this is what we are working on.

Abbondad - I have been down this road too. My EWW married her affair partner 3 months after our D was final. In the Carribean. In the timeshare I had to give her as part of the D.

Her new husband is a tool. He has been mean to my son (who is on the spectrum). He has carried out punishments for her. But he (and she) claims he is good to my kids. I'm never sure I will believe that. They show up at every event, arm in arm. At least she tries to make me believe she is happy. Maybe she is, I don't know. At this point, I don't care.

Like you I focus on me and my kids. If my EWW and her tool husband mis-step or even fail, that will be on them. I tell many of my friends going through the D process "You can't control the other house". It will eat at you if you try (and I have). While he and I will never get along, the rage and anger I had for him has subsided. They can't hurt me anymore.

Keep the faith my friend. In time, things will get better.

[This message edited by Dadtryingtocope at 1:38 PM, September 15th (Monday)]

I'm sorry brother

Damn: DS stole almost two thousand dollars cash from XW's AP "because I (DS) hate him." Now he is terrified of AP's response. I have informed XW.

This is bad. Really bad. Will update when possible.

Hang in there, hope your situation with your son's stealing works out amicably. As for your ex getting married, I'd be popping a champagne cork if I was you. She will officially be his problem til death do they part....or she gives him an STD or another OM's baby, whichever comes first.

Sucks. AND it gets better. I am out 7 years. The first few I thought I would never survive. My ex married his AP (my former friend). It turns out, maybe the AP was way more of a friend than I ever imagined because her taking my ex from me eventually made my life SO MUCH BETTER! I never realized what a crappy partner I had, until he was out of my life.

I am so sorry you have to go through this. Please know it gets so much better.

My EX also married OW. It was over 4 years after we were separated but it still hurt my heart. I spent the day in bed feeling sorry for myself then like all the other horrible shit I was put through by EX I forced myself to put it behind me. My EX has been married to OW for almost 2 years now but as I have no contact with him (my children are 24 and 26) I have no idea and truthfully no longer care whether or not they are happy.