SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So, XW accompanied by AP came to my house to get the money DS stole. Seems to be around 1800.00. All seems to be accounted for.

DS was scared to death. I had a cop friend with me for a witness in case things spiraled. They didn't. I was strong and polite, but choked back bile as XW permitted her AP to interrogate DS, the two of them going on about "moral choices," "being a good person..." Yes, these were the themes about which they rhapsodized.

(I support the strong punishment they are administering to him, however, and made that clear to them in front of DS. This is a serious matter.)

But: my poor DS. I now see what he has to endure when he is at his mother's. The AP is a true POS: arrogant, nasty little man--clearly no idea how to handle children except what he's read in books--stumbling around trying to sound alternately tough and comforting. Totally clueless. I say this with none of my own hurt, none of my own ego.

First time since this all began two years ago I've ever met him or seen him up close. I was frankly stunned that XW "chose" (well, I divorced her when she wouldn't choose) this pathetic excuse for a man. Tough guy was wearing his concealed weapon--which he first bought, XW told me during false R, after a man whose wife he was cheating with came after him! Yeah, a real winner.

XW attempted to administer tough love to DS, but it went on way too long, she ran out of admonishments, and it finally became awkward. I gave POS his money, he thanked me and said "Pleased to meet you!" (?!)

And DS, after refusing to hug his mother, went inside and wept, declaring again that he does not want to visit her--now more than ever.

Prior to their coming over, I talked with XW on the phone. She went on and on about how shocked she is at DS's behaviors and expressed wonder and bewilderment at why this is happening.

I gave it one more shot: "Because he is severely emotionally traumatized by the divorce." (I was careful not to blame her.) She predictably vehemently disagreed and began to get defensive. I said, "Well, we disagree." She retorted "Yes, we do."

Totally unwilling to entertain the possibility that her leaving our home to pursue an affair; moving back in promising DS that "Mommy is never leaving again," only to move out again a few weeks later; moving our kids in with AP immediately, and on and on... None of it will she accept as contributing even slightly to DS's behavior. There is and was no point in trying to make her "get it," and I did not try. DS's unhappiness is his fault, period. Oh, and mine, of course, though at least in this conversation she did not begin her usual blame shifting.

Finally, with a nod, to my thread title: AP confirmed that he is "planning to marry this woman." The good news is that I am very much over wanting her back. Hearing these magical words stirred nothing in me. Seeing her tonight with the AP made something in me click. He was utterly demystified and they presented as two haughty, selfish, nasty pieces of work who deserve nothing more than each other.

And now, back to as little contact as possible.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 10:58 PM, September 15th (Monday)]

((((Abbondad)))) ((((Abbonson))))

I'm so sorry to hear your DS chose to act out that way - but if that isn't a very loud scream that he wants to punish that awful man for breaking up his family I don't know what is.

Do you suppose he thought he could use the money to run away? Did he have a purpose in mind or was it just opportunistic?

I suppose he must feel so totally impotent and powerless to have any useful control over his life.

Totally unwilling to entertain the possibility that her leaving our home to pursue an affair; moving back in promising DS that "Mommy is never leaving again," only to move out again a few weeks later; moving our kids in with AP immediately, and on and on... None of it will she accept as contributing even slightly to DS's behavior.

Sometimes I wonder if she (and my XWH) even remember these early times of the separation, or do their minds go from leaving the family home to now their "great" life with new person? THey are truly brainwashed by the affair partner and themselves incredibly.

I'm so sorry to hear what your DS has been going through. I hope that he'll be able to heal with lots of love&support from you and guidance from his counsellor/therapist, and that, sooner rather than later, the courts will allow him to choose to not spend any more time at AP/XWW's house.

Please have another talk with him about how, despite stealing, the AP nor XWW are not allowed to harm him in any way (physically etc.).

Best wishes!

(((Hugs))) I know what you're going through. I found out Cheater XH was marrying Cheater OW when he started text bombing our grown daughter harassing her asking if she wanted to be a part of his wedding and when she said "No, thank you" he had a hissy fit and blamed me. I had nothing to do with her decision. In her words she is just "over it" and has been since he left us.

It's so hard when they can't see the pain they are causing their own children. They are too selfish and self-centered to even consider what their actions have done to their family members.

Oh, AD. My heart is breaking for your DS.

From now on, please please be his advocate.

Don't ever again allow your ex and her AP to come onto your turf, interrogate him, and have you support *them*. He had to have felt so ganged-up on -- 3 adults looking at him sternly vs. little ole him.

My kids are older than yours, but I will tell you that if any of Monster's bedwarmers ever takes it upon herself to even attempt to *administer justice* to one of my kids? She'd be in the hospital. Those kids are mine and my ex's. I don't need, nor want, any commentary from the peanut gallery.

Your ex is a fucking idiot.....and I'm really sorry for what is happening right now. You are right in that your DS is having a hard time adjusting to his *new* life. Kids really aren't as *resilient* as everyone believes them to be. Divorce f'n sucks for kids in a 1000 different ways. All you can to for him is to continue with counseling.

(sorry, my response has absolutely nothing to do with your thread title....I just feel really badly for your little )

I agree with Gonna. Don't ever allow this to happen in your home again. DS was wrong...but considering what he is dealing with, that scene in your living room just made it worse.

Also...he brought his gun, concealed or not, into YOUR home, to confront YOUR child. Whether child was wrong or not, that is unacceptable. Do you think that POS wearing a gun on his hip might have intimidated your son, just a little bit? You were perfectly within your rights to stop him at the door and tell him his gun stays outside.

Im not against guns. I own them. Im an excellent shot. But I would never confront my child while wearing my gun. RYFKM????

I've forgotten...why don't you have primary custody?

Oh...and that your CBXW doesn't get that her poor little boy is on pain because of her fucking actions? She is either stupid or delusional. Im going with both.

(((AD)))

Don't ever allow this to happen in your home again. DS was wrong...but considering what he is dealing with, that scene in your living room just made it worse.

Thank you, everyone. To clarify: the "meeting" (confrontation) took place at the end of my driveway. No way would I permit my XW into my home, let alone her AP.

He was wearing his concealed gun (as my cop-friend noted) not to intimidate my son, but I'm sure because he was concerned about my possible reaction to his presence. For all his obnoxious braggadoccio, he was very very nervous. (I'm sure she has characterized me as some sort of out-of-control monster).

At one point--bending over backwards to appear "the nice guy"--he mentioned that he never would hit my son. At this, I looked him in the eye and said, "I am certainly glad to hear that." He fell all over himself to say it several more times.

Again, the most sickening part of all of this was witnessing my XW permitting him to dominate and lecture my son (until enough was enough and I sent my son inside and they drove off).

At one point I was just staring at her incredulously, and our eyes met and locked for a several long beats.

I wrote her a novel in those moments: "Please," I said silently, "Choose our son. Be his mother. This guy is everything and everyone we used to see as bad, and an enemy to our family." But they were the soulless eyes of a doll. She has thrown herself into this man and our children are a distant second. Period, and forever.

I contacted my attorney, but the response was as predicted: unless there is clear evidence of abuse, there is not much that can be done.

I feel I am in this alone, a nightmare that won't end.

First, you are assuming he wore his gun because of a possible problem with you. And you are probably right. But your son is 9(?). You said he was terrified OM was coming over. That gun made an impression on your son. How could it not?

I would make it clear that he isn't welcome on your property with a gun.

She isn't going to choose those kids over her own selfish needs. She has proven that. The best thing for those kids is for you to have custody.

I'm really worried about your boy. He is lashing out..And its escalating.

Hey brother,

Confused makes an excellent point. Your son may be hoping that if he is *bad* enough, he won't hade to go there anymore. Cut him off at the pass.

Strength

Do you think you have any responsibility in the way your son is acting, either from the way you behaved in the marriage or during the separation and divorce?

AD ((( to you and your boy )))

This was not easy for any of you.

HOWEVER..... As someone with a CCW, I have to tell you that I Rarely leave the house without my 9mm. I carry except for when at work, because I work in a Hospital, and it's against the law.

I have the mindset as most with their CCW do that I will NOT be a victim. So I would be sure to share those thoughts with your son. You may not agree with it, and you may even be against it, but he needs to know that some of us are gun people and that doesn't mean we have it because we plan to use, we have it because we have earned that right, and we won't be the person that is victimized by any criminal. It has ZERO to do with you or your son.

I would also encourage your son to write down, or record his thoughts on how he is feeling when he gets angry, sad or frustrated. He needs an outlet, and a constructive way to deal with it. Your W is a NPD mess, and he is going to have to deal with her the rest of his life, so he needs to just learn how to do that effectively. He needs the tools, and coping skills. Please talk to his IC about this.

Stay strong, love your boy, and your daughter. Be their safe, soft place to land.

(((and strength)))

((((AD & DS))))

Ah hugs to you and your son. It just sucks and I have no advice but I could cheerfully punt all these cheaters down a flight of stairs who maintain that their actions have no effect on our children's behaviour.

Your poor boy.

I'd wager the theft was subconsciously motivated by the desire to be banned from your ex's house--if he's "bad" enough, he won't have to go there.

How awful he feels so desperate.

What does the therapist say about this cry for help? I know you can't fix your ex's terminal narcissism, but has your son been given strategies to cope with it?

It's very difficult, parenting with someone who lacks empathy. There's so such thing, really, as coparenting, in this case. There is parallel parenting, at best.

And at some point, it becomes appropriate to tell kids-- in an age-appropriate and nonjudgmental way (with IC guidance, as needed) that Mom just isnt able to love other people in the same way that most people do--that it's not her fault, and it's not something she can change. (My kids know their father is personality disordered; they do not know the specific diagnosis because they don't need to Google and wonder whether he's ever given a damn. They have been told that he does not experience empathy in the same way most people do, and he does not experience love in the same way. It is information that has helped them a lot. They have reframed their expectations and been quite compassionate to him.)

Your wife is not going to become a good mother, so your kids need some tools to cope with this.

"Abbondad, DS just called me crying that he doesn't feel well and wants me to pick him up. I told him you would take good care of him. Give him Tylenol, (blah blah blah...)"

Did he send her that or is she creating false proof?

I hope the sad clown marries the whore. One of my vilest thoughts is hoping they have children. I want her to experience the full spectacle of just what a great husband he is. I predict several more marriages for him.

It's normal to feel something about it but I don't like it that you're turning on yourself.

What you had with her was not real. From your perspective, yes. Not from hers.

I'll know if the sad clown finds the love of his life because he would have healed/fixed himself and be horrified by what he did to me and our children. What he still does. He will undo every decision he can undo and he will try to make things right for my girls. He will become a great dad and a decent human being. Not the parasite that he is.

Even if hell does freeze over I know that is never going to happen.

The chances of broken finding real love are about as high as me ever entering into a relationship with the sad clown. ie: less than zero.

You know this. Your grief won't let you see it. Don't turn on yourself. This new info is just that, new info. NC = No New Hurts but we can't have full NC with kids. Ride the dip, friend.

My attorney is filing a motion for an emergency hearing to suspend timesharing ( DS would remain with me) pending a court-ordered psychological evaluation for DS.

I had to do something. DS again expresses a desire to kill himself, fears returning to the AP's, and reports that AP's guns are left on the counter, not locked in a safe.

You are doing your best to protect him. Stay his safe place and make sure he knows you're doing your best. At 9, I can't even imagine feeling those things or dealing with that situation--I hope he is getting good help from his counselor. Can he have more frequent sessions?

I'm praying this works out in your son's favor. 9 years old and suicidal with guns on the counter. This is terrifying. (((((AD))))) May this get resolved soon. Good for you for standing up for your kid.

Sending all the strength i can spare.

You are a rock star