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I've had some serious revelations since this all started. I'm actively working on fixing my issues, it won't happen overnight.

Lets discuss this. What are the revelations? What are you doing to correct those issues.

Another thought. were your parents over controlling over punishing of you?

It is sad to read this. The exAP is winning.

I can only add three suggestions:

1. Don't give up. I think if you say anything to your H this is the message I would give. Even if you divorce you will not give up on him. You will always respect his wishes, but you are not giving up.

2. I am a lawyer - but not in your state. One thing you could do is have a lawyer draw up a post-nup and give it to him. Make the terms favorable to him. Make it clear that he can leave when he wants under those terms. I know the divorce is filed, but this may be another way to keep working together and give him some comfort.

3. Always let him know you love him and are sorry. Over and over, even when he doesn't want to hear it.

Within every BS's heart is the belief that the WS will just give up when times get tough. This is because at our core we believe our WS did not love us enough, and when things get tough they will bail on us just as they did when they had the affair.

The only way to rebut that belief is with time and constancy. I believe you have done great work and even so it may well be that the damage done is too great. But I would make very clear to him that if he still thinks there is any chance you will keep fighting for him.

You made one decision for him when you cheated. Do not make another for him by ending the marriage because you think he cannot take it.

I am sorry for you - you are doing everything you can and I admire you for it.

ETA: Hi So Sorry,

Here's the first thing I noticed.

BH shows up very early Wednesday morning. The kids are happy, I'm happy. That lasted until about dinner time.

Was he happy? I know he didn't want to go on the trip to begin with because he was needing some time alone. Did you provide him space for time with kids alone?

Instead I see,

Swat had pretty much ignored me since he got there. We only talked about the kids and what we were doing. (Dinner, entertainment, etc) I do not blame him, he is angry and hurt.

By Friday dd had completely derailed the vacation and devastated BH.

I'm pretty sure DD wasn't what made it happen. She might of contributed to him feeling worse about the situation, but he's her dad and knows she's a child and that she loves him. You feeling this way is more than likely your mom spidey sense seeing how your A is effecting her. Take this as a moment to let your BH know that you are seeing these actions against him and that you are going to let her IC talk to her about these feelings. They are merely something she will need to work through at that she doesn't understand the situation right now, but will in time know how amazing he is just like you do.

BH just walked away and really didn't have much contact with anyone the rest of the week. BH never even came into the house when we got home. He went right to the garage and has been there since late afternoon. He didn't eat dinner with us and wouldn't open the door for anyone.

He's protecting himself. Right now the only way he can do this is by removing himself from all triggers. While it hurts for him to withdraw from you and the kids, know that he is trying to find peace and decrease the torpedoes of damage that is still occurring.

Now- back to the weekend,

What were you doing when xAP was texting SWAT? Were there any moments where you said, "SWAT, it's my turn to take care of you. I am calling the phone company, blocking these calls, calling your department IT person and your chief and see what we can do about this harrassment. I WILL stop this. I will not let this ruin your vacation. F- what that shitbag is saying and if you want to throw your phone in the ocean, by all means, go ahead. We will write that one off as occupational and family therapy."

In short, he needs you to fight for him. The way he did for you in the beginning. The way you always wanted him to fight for you. Focus on that. He needs to see you mad as fire at the xAP and you take control of silencing this guy. Document everything this crazy loon is doing to your BS, call your attorney and ask if this can be considered harassment through a third party. Whatever angle you need to look at it.

Maybe I'm different, but if either of my xAP's did this to my BH, I'd be fuming mad!

Ok- now this is a 2x4 warning, and I mean this in the kindest of ways, because I know if you can take this one, it can really help you and your situation…. so here goes nothing……

I keep feeling this tone of being a victim from you. What would be great to see is a change in attitude, an anger towards xAP for this crap he's doing when you post, an update that shows determination for protecting your BS and wiping this xAP right off the map!

I know it must be exhausting, but let this new development be your fuel to your fire. Let it be your motivation. Be angry that this asswipe is still trying to ruin your BH, you and family. Think about it- all of his texts and emails caused this weekend. YOU CAN DO THIS! FIGHT. FIGHT. FIGHT!

In the meantime,

I'd be out grocery shopping to re-fill up that garage fridge for your BS. Maybe pre-make him some meals to eat. Let him know that while he doesn't feel like doing anything, you want to make the daily things a bit easier for him. Let him know empathize with his pain along with him. Offer anything that will help him relax and do it with space.

[This message edited by wheredoigo at 12:24 PM, August 11th (Monday)]

I really see two things here:

First, your DD actions scream prepubescent behavior. If you do not get her to respect YOUR authority as a mother, you are in for a long next 7-10 years. I think in this case it is you who should be grounding her. It will show her that as parents you have a united front. It will also take some of the pressure off of being the bad guy. Give her someone else to be mad at. Does that make sense?

Secondly, SWAT's gonna do what he wants and needs. But if my WW just went okay let's D. Would that show me she wants to fight for the marriage? I understand your psycho OM. Maybe you should be banging the police departments door down to do something about this jackass. Show SWAT you want to protect him and only him by assertively trying to get the OM out of your lives. SWAT's pride should not hinder your efforts to protect him. Will he get mad? Probably. We men are a fragile bunch. But that doesn't mean your efforts won't go unnoticed.

I hope this helps. I am rooting for you two!

I'm going to my attorney in the morning

^^^^Bad idea. Once again, you are trying to control the situation. Let SWAT have his space.

It's only been six months. One step forward, three steps back.

First order of business: Both of you come up with a plan to rid you/SWAT/your family of POS OM once and for all.

I am praying for all of you.

You guys have so much on your plate that I think working on the marriage has to take a back seat to Swat being able to just heal himself at the moment. I know it's difficult, but you are so afraid that this is the end of your marriage, end of everything, that you're letting that fear rule your actions and are not in his best interest.

From what I've seen, he didn't want to go on the trip to begin with and really needed some time alone. He was guilted into going by your daughter as well as you. Really listening to him and honoring what he needs is going to show you get it, that you are more concerned about his well being, than you are about fearing things are over. I know it's tough and you are both being pulled in different directions with different advice. Please take what works for you and leave the rest. Only you two know your situation.

You know, he may want to give up a million times. He may move in, move out a hundred times. It's all ok. Praying for peace for you all.

In regards to your 11 year old, I have one as well. I would never tolerate hearing any of my kids saying they hate their dad. I do not tolerate any disrespect from them towards him. It keeps the kids from pitting one parent against the other. But then again, I'm sorta controlling like that. Meh.

Another thought...ap was using the police email server for his harassment... maybe there is a charge available for that??? (first make sure swat did not threaten in these exchanges...cuz you know his lawyer would use that against swat).

The fact that swat threw his phone into the ocean is proof that he desperately wanted this harassment to stop. Legally that should help him if it ever gets to that.

Really, this sick man will keep trying to destroy your family until he is stopped.

I repeat, at a minimum a police report should be taken.

You need to push and push some more to get AP out of your lives. He will not give up until he runs out of options.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I do believe your recovery would have been much further along if he had stayed out of your lives.

[This message edited by JanetS at 2:47 PM, August 11th (Monday)]

http://www.willamadden.net/JohnLeeEsq/CriminalProcedures/Restrain.htm

Restraining orders prohibit contacting the victim through a third party, which includes your friends, family and their friends.

According to this he broke the restraining order again.... using your family member as the conduit.

Push this one, please. I am worried for your family.

Drama drama drama

Just had a thought.

Up until you d-day you fed off the drama. This is one of the things on your list to work on. AP is stoking the fires and keeps the drama there at the foreground.

Stopping him will help you in your healing... and will prevent Swat having to deal with this as well.

AP knows nothing of boundaries, and I would push that point with he police... tell them you are particularly concerned for your children.... maybe that will spark them into action.

[This message edited by JanetS at 2:46 PM, August 11th (Monday)]

This may sound harsh but its meant gently.

You betrayed swat with your affair(s) - including that ea from long ago.

Along came d-day. You promised, again, to do what it took to help him heal and to commit to him.

Now it sounds like you are giving up.

Yes. I get its hard. Yes. I get its not fair.

Accept that it is what it is. Have a cry. Whatever.

Then put your big girl panties on and fulfill your promise to not give up, to be there for him, and to help him heal.

Its not all parties, vacations, nice dinners, and romantic evenings. Its ALOT of hard work. You said you'd do it. Doing it isn't throwing your hands up in despair. There is no try - there is do or don't do (said the turtle in kung fu panda). We believe in you - witness how many responded to your thread. Do you believe in yourself? If so stop the defeatist talk and thoughts.

[This message edited by william at 3:13 PM, August 11th (Monday)]

Believe me I am angry. I've never hated another human being the way I do exAP. If he disappeared this second I would throw a freaking party.

I have talked to Swat until I'm blue in the face about putting him on the protection order. He refuses to do so and since the exAP is talking to BH and not asking him to relay any messages to me there is no violation of PO. He isn't contacting me in any way, but his talking with BH is just taunting him. I have no idea what the messages say, he won't show them to me or tell me what they say. I want to protect him, I have tried and he just gets angry. When I told the DA's office before that BH was being harassed, he was livid. He says that he doesn't want or need my help. I'm hesitant to push this too far. Swat is a very private person and has a lot of pride. My actions put our personal lives on display and his pride took a huge hit. I just wish exAP would try to contact me one time, I would press charges faster than you could blink. I want him gone from our lives. Swat doesn't want me interfering and I'm trying to do what he wants.

We aren't communicating at all. Early on we talked about everything. I made some bad decisions and he has shut down all constructive conversation. We only talk about finances and the kids. I'm not angry about it, I understand he is in pain and needs to protect himself. I am trying to make his life a little easier, small thing like doing the laundry and making sure he has food to eat. I took the kids to the mall and bought Swat a new iphone. Thankfully he had backed up his old one because his sim card is somewhere of the coast of Maryland. Hopefully just one less thing he has to worry about. Swat has to work tonight and he is sleeping, when he wakes up I'll have the kids give it to him.

redsox13. Thank you and I'm not giving up, just changing my focus I guess. He doesn't want my help and I understand that he has no trust. That doesn't mean I can't do some things to easy his pain. My talk with my attorney had to do with making sure BH didn't feel he was being "taken to the cleaners." I just wanted to make sure his pension was untouched and that the money set aside for the kids education was enough, that it wouldn't be a burden on him. I wanted it known that 50/50 custody was expected and minimal cs, I have plenty of money that I inherited. I even set aside some money for BH, it is in an account for his retirement. I didn't say anything about divorcing. My attorney knows I don't want that and is actually very supportive of what I have asked be done. Yes I've been advised it may not be in my best interest, but it is in his.

He doesn't need you to fix it. He needs you to tell him you are still there, still committed to him and your M and family, that you hurt him and you're sorry, that you were stupid, ask him not to shut you out and to let you help, then ask how you can help him and your M heal. Each time you see him withdrawing offer that up.

I'm sorry that Swat won't let you help him. Just let him know that you are there when he is ready.

I wonder if the texts/emails were lies, or new information that you'd forgotten??? His reaction is quite severe if it's old info.

Or, maybe threats were made???

I'd personally like to throttle that man....AP I mean, not Swat.

I still think it'd be wise to request police drive bys.

[This message edited by JanetS at 7:42 PM, August 11th (Monday)]

Dear SS17

I am sorry your BH is currently not open to your support.

I see you have a lot of support and feedback on the marital relationship so I am going to leave that be. I am sorry if you see my feedback below as a threadjack. I believe it is directly relevant to your original post.

I saw your earlier response regarding your children and that they are also access therapy.

I just want to say very clearly - that children of marriages were infidelity plays out are directly effected as 'betrayed' people.

The pain your eldest DD is experiencing is directly linked to this betrayal. Every time the AP / dramas play out it will be triggering her experience of trauma.

She is NOT just being a naughty child who needs discipline!

She is hurt, damaged and lost and is fearing for the very security that her life depends on. Good boundaries have a role in that - but so does reassurance, compassion and truth.

A BS can not lead here - The WS must!

The BS will be the focus of a child's anger in this situation. They will see that if only everything would go back to normal they would be safe - and after the immediate smoke clearing they perceive the thing that is stopping that from happening is the BS' pain and grief.

To all WS with children who have an awareness of the infidelity and marital tension. - It is critical you attend to your child's healing. To repair the parent-child relationships and to deal with your children's trauma. without proper attention it can erode the foundations they will build their own marriages and family lives on.

I will say again - Children are not bystanders - this is happening to them - to their lives - to their security.

William, thank you. I'm not giving up. I will stand by him until he makes me leave.

MegM, your absolutely right. I have got to step up more with my kids. They are in therapy, which has helped them. I'll admit I have slacked here, the kids are a big reason he hasn't left and I have been reluctant to rock the boat and put my foot down when needed. It isn't right and it stops now.

I wonder if the texts/emails were lies, or new information that you'd forgotten??? His reaction is quite severe if it's old info.

Or, maybe threats were made???

I'd personally like to throttle that man....AP I mean, not Swat.

I wish I knew. Then I could at least try to help. I've racked my brain and can't come up with anything that Swat doesn't know about. Lies I can believe, exAP is a constant liar.

Get in line, because I will throttle the sob first.

DD wanted to give him the new phone and she did. He was very appreciative and thanked everyone. He pulled me aside and thanked me, he said I didn't have to do that, but he appreciated the thought. He let me hug him and I asked him to not shut me out. He didn't say anything but he did hold me tighter. I left a text message on his new phone, the phone was powered down but he will get it when he turns it on. He has difficulty talking to me and I understand, but he doesn't get as angry when I message or email him, so he is gonna get daily messages. Nothing to over the top, just some small talk and reassurance.(I hope)

Get in line, because I will throttle the sob first.

I'm pretty sure we could form an SI posse.

I just had an idea, consider trying this and see if it helps Swat. Each day text him something inspirational or funny (depending on what you think he might enjoy that day).

It can be your own words, or something you found online. Short. Something that might make him smile or soften his heart. Send it after he leaves for work. Consider doing this for as long as he seems to be benefiting.

Another silly thought... if you make his meal when he goes to work, sometimes stick in a note or do something funny with the food. When my kids were small (adults now), I remember making their sandwich and on top of the sandwich I cut a piece of bologna into a heart shape. Little ways to remind him you love him while he's away working hard.

And I'm happy to her there was a bit of closeness this evening, even if brief. He hasn't shut you out.

Don't give up.

[This message edited by JanetS at 8:23 PM, August 11th (Monday)]

Last night was rough. My family came to visit us after the vacation. SIL is fuming and she pulls me aside and shows me exAP's facebook. I have maintained strict NC since early May and he is blocked from everything I own.

He is posting complete garbage, vague comments about BH and says he is corrupt and abusive to his wife and children. He is posting videos and article about police misconduct. He is posting crap like he used his job to punish me and him. He used his job to keep me away from him and that BH has threatened him with bodily harm. He posted that he has to watch his "one and only true love" struggle to survive being abused and unloved from afar because BH got an illegal restraining order placed on him. He claims BH got all of his criminal charges made up. He claimed the only time he gets to see me is when I sneak out when BH is working. He doesn't use our names and is very vague about what has been done to him. "Because he is afraid of retaliation from the 'Gestapo' type of officer her husband is." He portrays himself as this poor, honest police officer who was wrongfully accused and had false evidence place against him and was forced to retire early or face the "consequences". Hundreds of posts and they are all vague enough that he could be talking about anyone.

I read all of that crap and I'm freaking angry. SIL just asked "Well?" And I didn't get it. She was like "are you?" All of the bs he posted she caught the one post that said I was sneaking out and still seeing him.

"No,no,no,no,no. How can you think that?" Because you did before! Then later dd manages to announce for the world to near that her dad is an a$$hole. That stops all conversation dead in its tracks. Everyone was stunned yet again and decided it was time to go.

I talked with dd and told her that was not acceptable. She says she is very mad at him because he doesn't love us anymore. I started asking her all sorts of questions, about things he does for her and how he is showing he loves her everyday. That he was not angry at her or her brothers, but that I had done something to hurt him and we still love them.

I think she eventually she got it and she made me promise to make sure she was awake when Swat came home, she wanted to apologize and have breakfast with him.

Just after midnight I called SIL and asked her to come over alone. When she did I showed her every device I have. She saw my email, social media everything. I swore to her I was telling the truth, she said she did believe me. SIL said that she will take care of exAP and his bs. All I said was don't make it worse. She kind of gave an evil laugh and was wringing her hands. "Don't worry I've got this", was actually kind is scary.

I made sure dd was up in plenty of time to see Swat, she wanted to look pretty for him. Little diva tried on about ten outfits until she found just the right one. The two of them went to breakfast and hung out until afternoon. They came home all smiles and laughing. He started crying and hugged me so tight and said thank you, I don't know what you did but thank you so much. He said he wanted to take me to dinner Wednesday to thank me and maybe talk a little.

While I am exhausted, I still feel kind of good. I hope that what happened last night turns out alright for everyone, except exAP, SIL can roast his a$$ for all I care.

I hope this works out. Both SWAT and SIL sound like good peeps. And you did a good thing with DD.

Well, crud. I was really rooting for you.

I know this is an awful setback. I don't think it's the end.

Why isn't the OM in jail? I thought he was supposed to be in jail right now.

I worry that your husband won't file a restraining order. What's the purpose? It's almost as if he's deliberately torturing himself.

I did not appreciate until the last few threads just how awful the world is for Swat. Everyone at his work knows. His extended family (which has a particularly important meaning for him) knows. The AP is actively intervening to try and break up his marriage.

You confront a tougher problem that most waywards confront. There are about 4 people that know about my WW's affair - I care about 2 of them. It is simply going to take SWAT longer to make sense out of this than for most people. I am tempted to say that you should move - but I suspect that is not an option any of you will consider.

The only things you can do is offer continued support, ensure the children do not blame him and are cared for, and try to show your love without pushing too hard.

You have created a difficult situation for yourself. It is obvious that in this situation you are still trying - you should be proud of that.

DO NOT GIVE UP!!

[This message edited by redsox13 at 4:16 PM, August 12th (Tuesday)]