SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Luke

You first posted on 8/19/2014. it is now 9/1/14 and this is where you are. And this was going on for at least a month or two before you figured anything out

She wants to have a longer meeting with him to tell him things she couldn't say in the short time they talked last week. She wanted to convince him it can't work.(So in my mind she wants to see if there is a way it can work) I told her if she wants to come back there's no easy way. She's going to feel pain in breaking it off. But she's trying to tear off the bandaid very slowly. Just gotta rip the sucker off.

Why does he need to be convinced of anything anyway???

So I guess that means until he decides it is over you live with it? That is insanity!!!

Every time you catch her she needs one more meeting. Now it is a longer meeting. You have it exactly right. The longer meeting needs to be to see if they can figure out how they can keep seeing each other.

Your attorney has told you do not force her out of the job if you divorce her. That is good advice because if you divorce her it does not matter.

There is absolutely no way at this point that you are going to stop this affair while she is in that job. It is at the point where that is impossible.

this is about the fourth or fifth time she needs one more meeting, now a LONGER one. That on top of having lunch with him three days a week or more, all the while knowing you are going to find out about it.

She went out with him after work Thursday to tell him she was going to IC, and that will give her more time in her mind for them to continue because in her mind that should make you think she is trying. She is not. You are clearly Plan B right now, and if it was not for the kids she would have left you.

Also, how much longer do you think this is going on before it turns a lot more physical. Do you really think that when they say good bye after each date, they just are shaking hands.

Luke, you have done a GREAT job of tracking her, but you have been way too lenient at making threats to her that are not being followed up on.

She has the perfect situation to jerk you around.

(1) OM at work. gets to see him 8-10 hours a day

(2) You putting up with her dates with him. You are making a lot of noise but the bottom line is there are still no consequences.

(3) Her mothers house is close buy and she could go there, so it would be easy for her to "separate" and continue her affair. Thankfully, you rejected that idea of giving him a trial run.

(4) The IC bull shit. To your horror, the IC may tell her she understands how hard it is and to continue what she is doing until she figures it out. How will that make you feel, and since it is IC, you will have no idea what she is telling her.

if you read the above, none of it points to you having any chance to save the marriage at this rate.

She is not going to stop. It has actually intensified in the last week. The only thing you may have stopped is the morning make out sessions since you are watching what time she leaves.

You need to file for divorce as soon as you get those papers in her hand and stop talking to her about it. You keep saying NC, and she keeps telling you she can't.

it's time to believe her.

[This message edited by Badhurt at 12:52 PM, September 1st (Monday)]

Badhurt is right, the A will not stop as long as she's working at the same job as OM. My XWW was having an affair at work. She refused to find a different job. NC never happend, R never happened, the A didn't stop.

Only until after I divorced her and OM realized he had to make a choice did it stop because he ended up cheating on my XWW with someone else LOL.

Hi Luke,

I have just skimmed but not read every word of all 11 pages of this thread.

Just wanted to tell you that my WH also had an A with a coworker.

On Dday, I asked him to leave & he lived with a relative in the neighborhood. He was out for several months because contact continued at work, & I also caught them having lunch together a few times.

WH told me that it was impossible for him to change jobs so close to retirement, & because he has a very specialized position & would never, at his age, be able to find something comparable.

I was not able to report them to HR because then WH would also lose his job, & we need his income.

He told me that he was able to transfer into another part of the building, & avoided her at all costs,

but cheaters are liers & liers are cheaters. I was not in the building, so how will I ever know if that is true? You will never trust your WW 100% again.

For almost 3 years after Dday, the fact that OW was in that building was a big issue for me, & I believe one of the reasons that we are not further along in R now.

Finally, a few months ago, OW moved to the other side of the country, but the damage was done.

Please learn from my mistakes. Make your WW leaving the job be a requirement for R.

Luke,

By now you should have read enough about infidelity to have realized the addictive nature of affairs.

It can often help BS to compare infidelity to a “known” addiction like substance abuse. We usually have some understanding on how alcoholism or drug-addiction impacts people.

Your wife working with OM… That’s like a recently recovering alcoholic working in a bar or distillery…

Now people dealing with addictions eventually learn to live with their drug of choice around them without it overtly affecting them. A successfully recovered alcoholic can spent time in a bar with his drinking friends and stick to sodas. But that happens over time – over a long process of self-discovery and improvement. For the first months… even years… a recovering alcoholic will stay well away from all alcohol and places it’s attained or consumed.

I can understand your thought process that your wife should be able to work around OM without wanting any inappropriate relationship with him. But right now… it’s like asking a recovering alcoholic to mix up some margaritas to celebrate being out of rehab.

I for one don’t think your WW is an evil, scheming beast. I think the chances are very high that when she tells you she will respect NC and wants the marriage that she’s telling you the truth. She’s being honest. But once she is placed in the position where she has OM around her – where she has easy access to her drug of choice – her commitment slips. Her ability to abstain is lowered.

She thinks talking to OM in a friendly way is OK. Just like an alcoholic might think having a beer is OK as long as he stays off the strong stuff.

She thinks seeing OM is OK, even in an innocent form at the office. Just like an alcoholic thinks keeping his stock of booze at home is OK after returning from rehab. Think that will enhance the chances of remaining sober?

Your WW needing 5 minutes to talk to OM about their relationship… That’s the alcoholic stopping for a beer on his way to an AA meeting. Her need to get permission to talk longer with him to explain things… that’s the alcoholic trying to get you to give her a twenty-bill to buy some more drinks before the next meeting…

That’s not going to work…

Luke – Ive asked you about their formal work relationship. You have chosen not to reply. If OM is WW superior or higher in any hierarchy then exposing won’t damage her standing. HR would hesitate because it could lead to ligitation. If they are on equal terms then HR has to show that a) there is a clear signed policy forbidding their actions and b) that it in any way or form took part in office time and affected performance.

But then – is possibly losing a job worse than positively losing a marriage? If you were to implement a plan that would keep them apart at work and IF that led to her dismissal then you fear she might resent you. OK – I get that. But if she keeps in contact with OM then she is going to stay in infidelity… She won’t resent you per se but she will be in infidelity. Put those two options on a scale: possible resentment or guaranteed infidelity…

Luke – Your wife does not have to discus with OM why their relationship is over.

She sends a NC letter. Heck! I’ll pen it for you! This one assumes she’s still going to work with him:

OM

Our relationship is inappropriate and damaging to my marriage. It will also adversely affect my work. I will not be in contact with you in any way or form on any matter that does not directly concern work. I will not be in the same rooms or areas as you are unless directly connected to work and never alone in the same area as you.

I request that you respect this. I request that you allow me the space require so I can tend to my job without interference from you and will see any breach of this request as harassment.

Any breach of this request will be shared with my husband and will be reported to my supervisor.

That’s it. No 10 minute talk, no emotions, no “in another life we could ride into the sunset”.

If she isn’t willing to drop OM this completely, and/or if you find repeated broken NC… Well… all you can do is decide that YOU won’t accept this.

Luke – How unique is your WW job? How hard would it be to find another one? Is she open to change? Can she take a few months off for medical reasons? By her own admissions she can’t let go of OM but by her own words she wants the marriage. Ask her how that makes sense and how being at THAT job is going to help.

Luke

Hope you have not disappeared. BIGGER just gave you a good perspective also. But the reality probably was that you spent another day in anguish today wondering and checking what they are discussing at lunch or after work .

I wonder how you did not know she went out with him after work Thursday. Or what occurred on their lunch Friday.

You and everyone know there is no end in sight here unless you force the issue. She is not going to stop this no matter how long you give her.

Just give her the papers , and tell her either quit the job and end this or sign the papers and you are done.

That is the only way hub are going to get your life on track again.

Luke,

Your wife has a boyfriend. Say that out loud, a dozen times. She's not ending it. She's making excuses. The only way this ends is if you end it.

Most WSs are pushed off the fence when the BS says "I quit". They realize they're trading a real life for fantasy.

The longer you let this continue, the less respect your wife has for you, and the less chance there is that you will be married in the end. You need to show her you're worth more. Right now, your actions - or lack of actions - are telling her you don't think you're worth a faithful wife. If you don't respect yourself, why do you think she will?

It ends when you end it.

She said it's a process can't she take a little time. She's really trying. She said i tell you when i do see him. Maybe i shouldn't have told you she said. Whacked thinking! With that i dropped a little bomb on her, I told her I visited my divorce attorney during the week and i was giving her little time to end it with him.

Luke:

What your wife is saying here when she says it's a process is that she needs time to find out if the OM IS SERIOUS ABOUT A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER.

If he is, she will drop you like a hot potato.

If not, she will settle for you, your are her security blanket.

My husbands' OW did the same. She instigated the affair, claimed she only wanted an affair, but then when he dropped her, when I found out, she started proclaiming her undying love for my husband.

She is still trying to rekindle with my husband after 2 plus years of No contact.

My husband has shown me emails and texts in which immediately after dday, she claimed she only married her husband for the money he earned and the security he offered.

She wrote that she was telling a lie when she said she only wanted an affair.

Your wife should not get anytime to choose.

She has to choose you NOW and drop the OM immediately.

Your wife is married to you but like the OW in my situation, she is out shopping for a new husband.

Someone who she thinks she's hot for because she is too immature to realize that married sex eventually becomes comfortably familiar and perhaps at times a bit boring.

The OW in my situation, kept stalking my husband and running into him, near his office.

So I told him he had to quit and find a new job closer to home.

And, that is what he did, because he did not want a real relationship with her, and he was serious about saving his marriage.

Your wife does not sound serious about saving her marriage.

You need to report this OM to HR.

I haven't posted in a long time. But, just wanted to update.

In the beginning when i found out my wifes affair i went head on against her(spying daily/confrontations/threats). Now most of my threats were empty. I never pushed through with divorce/ or contacted the OM work. In hindsight, i think that would have caused me more problems.

My wife was close to moving out cause i was pushing her closer to the OM. Then i realized what i was doing wasn't working. And that was an important thing for me to realize. Before that i was just doing everything out of emotion. Now, i thought i needed a new strategy.

And thus, i let go. I stopped spying/confronting/threats. I focused on myself. I really didn't bother myself with her at all. I starting going out with my friends i hadn't seen in a long time. I starting planning my future with or without her. I started getting excited again about life.

And what happened, my wife noticed. She saw changes in me. So much that she ended her affair on her own and quit her job on her own. She found a new job thankfully just last week.

We are now on the road to reconciliation, this next part is going to be hard. But, no matter what. I'm becoming a better person, and even if things don't work out, i'm in a better position to move on.

So, everyday really is a learning process still. And, i'm always watchful now of what's working and what isn't. My biggest issue now is obviously-Trust. I don't know how to trust, and i'm still not sure if i ever will. But, then again maybe that's just a part i live with

And thus, i let go. I stopped spying/confronting/threats. I focused on myself. I really didn't bother myself with her at all. I starting going out with my friends i hadn't seen in a long time. I starting planning my future with or without her. I started getting excited again about life.

Pretty much the heart and soul of the 180. Love yourself first.

Well done Luke. Pulling away and letting your wife know the reconciliation train is leaving the station is good policy. The most effective thing you did was going out with your friends, which your wife would interpret as you possibly getting snapped up by some available woman. Got her thinking of what she could lose if she didn't pull her head out of her ass.

One piece of advice; maintain a certain degree of freedom. Go out with your friends occasionally. Tell your wife you don't trust her, but there again she shouldn't trust you either. Make her feel a little insecure and don't be the pushover you once were.

Ok Now, i do agree. I think what turned it for me is i went out 2-3 x a week friends, or no friends.

I went out by myself a few nights also which she knew to some music clubs in our downtown area. I like to listen to live music. She got worried about that. One night i was out till 2am on a wed.

She hadn't been to interested in my wherabouts when this started but then she started texting me often. Where was i? who was i with? It sort of built a mystery.

And, that hasn't changed. I'm never going back to what it was. I now go out 1-2x per week still. It's good for me, and i think good for her. Keeps her on her toes.