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you talk about not wanting to expose the affair to HR because you are worried she will resent you. your fear of losing your wife and not taking action is what is driving her to the OM.

she is activating in a affair right in front of you and you are worried SHE will resent YOU.

also i noticed that you said you only have sex 5 times a year how long has that been going on??

[This message edited by orbit19 at 9:51 AM, August 22nd (Friday)]

well, i think you're making some headway. It seems like she's offering some transparency. And the OM seems spooked. I know she's not promising on her father's ashes. But at least she's not promising and then doing things anyway. At least she's being honest about not fully committing.

I think you need to pay for a lie detector. If it were me I'd want to know for sure whether she had sex with him or not. Just telling her that's what you will need will be beneficial. She might get defensive about it, like her integrity is being questioned. You simply counter with the fact that she's been betraying you behind your back and lying to you. And because of this, you have no idea when she's actually telling the truth. She's proven that she will lie to you.

After that, you will get some peace of mind. Only you know whether you will be able to get over the betrayal whether it was physical or not. But knowing the whole truth is a comforting feeling.

best of luck friend.

[This message edited by mike7 at 9:39 AM, August 22nd (Friday)]

I think you need to pay for a lie detector.

That is a good idea. Since you don't want her to resent you for making her quit her job, and she cannot swear on her father's ashes, a lie detector is a great idea.

So far, she has had no consequences for her affair. Pretty easy skating for her.

As for the fact she still might lose her job, for every action there is a reaction. And the action of her affair caused the reaction of her forcing her to quit the job.

This is real world versus the ladida world of affairs and thinking, affairs are fine as long as we dont have sex...yet or admitting we had sex.

Well my sitter couldn't watch kids today and i had to work from home today. That's why i couldn't meet the OM today.

[This message edited by Luke at 11:30 AM, September 2nd (Tuesday)]

Luke,

Why are you bringing her home after work. ???

What about the lunch????? She already committed to come home right after work. That was not the problem, and you cannot see OM with your kids there even if he walks her out to the car.

You cant even have any real dialogue with her. It might be better not to pick her up but watch to see if she walks out with him and has physical contact.

Could you clarify some issues Luke?

If I recall then you said OM isn’t married. Your wife asked whether she can enquire about his family… What is OM’s family situation?

What is their work relationship? Where are they in the hierarchy? Is either superior to the other?

The reason I ask is I think you need to find a way to apply pressure on OM to encourage him to cut off the affair.

Luke,

I think you're getting heavily invested in a very complex plan here, and not necessarily one that you need to do.

What do you want?

Will your current course of actions move you closer to that goal?

I think the answer, to the second at least, is "no." I think what your plan is trying to accomplish is to prove your wife was wrong, and you already know that she's in the wrong here. You don't need to prove that to yourself, you certainly don't need to drag your kids into that proof.

So stop. Take a breath. You might not be alright today, but recognize that in time you will be no matter how things turn out.

That's the place to start from, a place of personal strength. That will make all the difference.

You cannot force someone to love you.

You are going through a difficult period already, so why are you making things more complicated?!

You know her behaviour has been inappropriate. Furthermore, she knows her behaviour has been inappropriate. Not only does she have very little respect for you, she is openly continuing her emotional affair with this guy.

This muppet knows exactly what he is doing. However, you need to realize that if isn't him buttering up your wife, it would be someone else. Your wife is choosing to go along with it.

Instead of going back and forth with this ridiculous dance, you need to shut this crap down now! Expose her to her parents and have her move out for a short period. Get legal advice and start standing up for yourself.

How are things Luke?

You are getting stronger, more ruthless. That's good. You are in a war here, and there's no room for mercy.

Don't ease off. Keep insinuating there is a PI. Keep the pressure on. Watch what she DOES not what she SAYS, becaue she is a liar.

If she resents you for the pressure, or for costing her the OM, or for costing her the job, so be it. Better than her resenting you for being a spineless twerp and laughing about it in bed with him.

You are doing well, brother.

[This message edited by Luke at 9:40 AM, August 25th (Monday)]

So what's up Luke?

Luke:

I hope you are okay.

I know you probably feel like rejecting all the advice here because you do not want to rock the boat.

Unfortunately, I did not find this forum until two plus years after my wayward husband's affair.

Had I found it, and followed the advice of the people here who have lived through infidelity, I think things would have improved a lot sooner, in my marriage.

Presently, I am still following advice from people here, and it ALWAYS improves the way my husband reacts.

Initially, however, I was just like you. ....very eager to save my marriage, and because of that I caused more harm to it.

Hi, Luke, just checking in to be sure you are ok.

I am sure your head is spinning right now and your heart is hurting, but please stay with us.

Have you checked out the Betrayed Men's thread in the I Can Relate forum? Great bunch of guys down there who will help you through this.

Thanks for all the check ins on me. I'm ok. Just needed to step away get my mind off. But ready now.

My gut which caught this affair quick says she was telling me the truth. Obviously, i'll never know, but i do know she told me of meetings, things said, that i knew to be true from my source. We talked for a few hours. I told her again. I wasn't going to ask her to leave her job. That was up to her.

She said she wants to tell me all about her day now and before it felt like reporting to me, but now she wants me to know before i ask. As for me, i told her that's great what she did. I couldn't ask anything more given they still work together. But, my concern was how hard it must be everyday and eventually she will slip and lie, and ..Anyway i told her again i needed to do what i had to do until she committed. She asked if that meant divorce. I said anything is possible. Anything.

She asked if that meant outing her at work, going after the OM. I said anything is possible.

My current plan:Going to attorney tomorrow and likely will visit the OM somewhere. He needs to give her space. And, i think after a conversation with me he will.

I feel better than last week. I feel she is realized what she did, and is actually sorry. Last night she said she's sorry again. And, that she would never know how i felt.I feel she really wants to be with us and move on, but the question is can she do that with the OM still working together. I mean is it possible? If not, it's up to her to find a new job, or a new life.

Also, any suggestions on what to ask my attorney tomorrow.

[This message edited by Luke at 11:32 AM, September 2nd (Tuesday)]

Luke,

it is obvious that this OM is still going to be after her. i think you tell him you will out this at work if he does not leave her alone, but she needs to be the one who sticks to it.

You really believe she had no sex with him. What was the Friday surprise? And did she go ahead and have lunch with him despite your statements?

I do not believe she can stay in that job and you feel safe without spying so you will have to decide that. I certainly would not want to be having to live with that. Most experts believe the first step to workplace affairs is to leave the workplace.

Some may disagree with me, but after what she has done, I think you should have the divorce papers drawn up, and present them to her. You can stop it any time you want, but that will send her a clear message that you are not going to tolerate one little instance of this affair starting up again.

That is what I would do. She deserves to be on edge for a while and be under the "gun" like you were.

I think the worst thing you can do is to trust her as far as you can throw her right now. She will obviously try to lure you into complacency with affection.

I WOULD INSIST SHE CALL THIS GUY WITH YOU PRESENT AND TELL HIM THAT IF HE DOES NOT LEAVE HER ALONE SHE WILL FILE A HARRASSMENT COMPLAINT AT WORK.

if she seriously wants no contact that should not be a problem

Glad you feel better.

I also think this OM needs to be told to stay the hell away from your wife. I do not think you should do it in person. Why risk an assault charge or worse. And no matter how you think you might keep your cool, one tiny phrase out of the OMs mouth could trigger you.

Call him and tell him to just stay the hell away from your wife. No more walks, no more talks, etc.

It is a good sign she is reading Not Just Friends on her own. Many times you will read on here that the WW refuses to read it for whatever reason, not matter how many times their BH asks them to read it.

For the lawyer, just ask every question you were going to ask. So you know what your options are in the future if things go bad. Because if they go bad, you won't have to ask any questions, just have the papers drawn up.

Luke,

This sounds like a very good start. I'm glad to hear that from your WW.

There is a lot of work to go, but it could very well be that a corner has been turned. Only lots of time and lots of building of verified trust will really tell.

The idea of them sharing work environment would scare me to death, but I understand where you are coming from.

NC and full truth are a big thing, but the first step is always ending the A. If she's telling the truth, you might be on your way.

I'd also caution you about in person meeting with the OM. Very little good can come from it that you can't do in writing, and you want to give this POS absolutely no power in your relationship any longer. Obviously, him leaving the job would be ideal. Make sure that if he's married or has a significant other that they know. That's another set of eyes helping keep the A dead.

Good baby steps!

Luke like the others have said, you need to tell him personally to stay away or you will notify HR.

Please be as calm and emotionless as you can DO NOT make any physical threats he could be a weasel and call the police it's not worth it.

But you make your point.

you do seem to have a WW who wants to make your marriage work, i would not go see the OM in person but i would contact him and let him know if he does not back off you will inform HR.

Also i think it was a good thing you took of your ring and you left Friday night (even though going to his house was dumb) it shows your wife you are not fucking around and will not allow her to disrespect you this way

Just one more thing luke you mentioned earlier in a post that you used to have sex only 5 times a year and that for the last two months has increased to 5 times a week

how long has the 5x a year been going on for??? why is that the case???

I've not commented Luke (yet) but I am reading. You went dark on us. You okay?