So, part of me feels good i laid it out hard.
Luke, you have been soft from the beginning and what you are doing is still soft. YOU are pulling the band-aid off slow. Maybe it doesn't seem that way to you because this seems so sudden to you, and you were so afraid of losing her.
If you "laid it out hard," you would have blown them up at work, you would have served her with divorce papers already. She feels like she can walk all over you and she is angry at you and YOU DIDN'T ACTUALLY DO ANYTHING YET, it's all just talk from you. When you show her actions, then she will start to believe. You can't overcome years and years of not living up to your promised consequences, with her and the kids and everyone else, and expect her to believe YOUR WORDS have any meaning. She will understand divorce papers.
I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm trying to be honest and realistic. You are a good guy, she doesn't deserve you, but you have kids together and you have a history together, so I think you should try. But what you are doing is not really trying, it's so half-assed and half-hearted. You've come a long way, but you are not there yet. You're close, but not there. And what you have been doing so far, how soft you have been in telling her it's OK to stay at the job and you would give her time, has only made your situation much worse than it had to be.
I don't care what your divorce attorney says. He is talking about the END OF YOUR MARRIAGE. If you want to save your marriage, go for it full on and don't pull any punches or hedge any bets. GO FOR IT. She will get another job. If she wants to save the marriage, she has to leave that job without a new one lined up and start looking for a new one now. Tell her you are fighting for her and you are fighting for your marriage and you won't share her with another man. Tell her you found your anger and your pride and your self-respect and you're not going to take her shit anymore. Tell her she took vows with you and she can either live up to them or she can leave.
The other part of me feels i'm pushing her away. Probably cause she says that's what i'm doing.
She thinks your love for her is unconditional, that you will tolerate anything she dishes out, yet I seriously doubt she would have the same outlook if YOU were cheating. She is thinking ONLY of herself, she is just MANIPULATING you.
You know what makes me angry? She's been with you for what is it, 12 YEARS, through life's ups and downs, kids, finances, sharing life's struggles. And she's been with this guy for what, a few months, went out with him after work and f'd him, had some little sweet talk with him, hasn't had to deal with any of life's ups and downs with him - AND SHE'S NOT SMART ENOUGH or emotionally aware enough to see that.
She wants TIME to decide between you and him. To end it slowly. What that means, and it's straight out of the cheater's manual, is that she will NEVER end it.
I don't even know how someone reconciles after the cheater behaves like yours does. Plenty do, God bless them, but there's no way I could. I am reconciled, but my wife gave it up right away and begged me not to divorce her. But Luke, and this is a big difference, I ALWAYS followed through with what I said I would do, with my wife, with my kids, with everyone, before the affair, so my wife had no doubt that I would do what I said. When I confronted, I told my wife I wanted her to go be happy with other man if he is so great and he is her soulmate and he is the love of her life, as a matter of fact, I would help her pack and go be with other man, let's get out the suitcases and start packing right now. I told her I had zero desire to be married to a woman who didn't love me and I'd rather be alone if she wanted some other guy, if she even had to question it. She was a begging bawling mess. I don't know if your wife would have reacted the same, probably not, but I have not seen the "give them time and space and let them gradually end it" approach work even once. Not once. The put-up-with-no-more approach works better than any other approach I've seen.
I've read enough on this board to see those WS who make it are begging their spouses, "i will do anything to come back". I'm not seeing that yet.
You are not seeing that yet because you haven't actually done anything to make her beg, yet.
I'm not posting this to be a jerk, I'm posting this because I'm trying to help and give you the benefit of my experience. If you don't take any of my advice, I still wish the best for you, like I said, you are a good guy and you don't deserve this.