SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

These posts make me tear up because a lot of these were my clues but I decided to ignore them

- credit card bills in the thousands. He claimed she would pay him back and she needed money.

- trips to grocery store a mile away for a few items took a few hours.

- anger outbursts and not just to me but the kids. This part breaks my heart I didn't kick his ass out for how he was to the kids. I was in denial.

- working late, missing dinner, missing kids bedtime, missing family vacation time.

- texts and phone calls to the same number.

[This message edited by HeBrokeVows at 10:42 PM, August 19th (Tuesday)]

Going out to meet "girlfriends" wearing a short leather skirt and fishnet stockings. This is a 46 year old mother of two.

Still trying to get to the bottom of it, for over a year now. But know he was up to no good...

During the time in question, calling me to say hello and ask about my whereabouts. During this time I would be religiously at our club for our kids swim practice, which is 30 minutes from our home. He would call me and if I didn't answer because I was talking to another mom, he would be persistent. Then would just want to know what I was doing. I thought this odd because he knew already. And it was totally out of character. He honestly rarely cared what I was doing.

One day I was leaving for our club and I quickly mentioned on my way out the door that I was going to skip my kids golf lesson... He jumped up out of bed in his underwear and ran to the door as we were leaving to say "what?!" Then a little while later was persistent in calling to see if I was really coming home, and if so, how far away? When I made it home he was gone.

If I had my head together at the time, I would have lied and come home unexpectedly. But I never did that and will never know.

The day after our anniversary, I found a receipt for $500 earrings in his briefcase. He hadn't given them to me, but somehow I convinced myself that there must be an explanation. There was - he and OW had a wonderful lunch date on OUR ANNIVERSARY, during which he gave her his gift and they professed their love for each other. I got a text, just a text. Yes, I was oblivious.

There were so many..

.. The text that I read on Dday that she sent"I miss you" and he said "you looked really cute the other night". When I saw it (and that was the first time I ever checked his phone and it was thanksgiving day). He said they were just friends

.... Then I checked the cell phone bills and there were hundreds and hundreds of texts and calls. Again...just friends

....he stopped talking about her. He had talked about her all the time, they were and still are coworkers. One day I asked what it was like to have 2 families and then he took his EA underground.

....this has been going on for 5 years! He left once and came back and threatened to leave again when I found emails from him to her sayin that he was looking at houses for them. When I approached him, all he cared about was how I found out. He told me he was lying to her.

They still work together in a 3 person office and he hasn't left but keeps saying he will. He gets mad at me when he tells me abou his conversations and interactions with her!!

I really am the idiot. He gets away with havin a wife and a girlfriend.

Looking back, there were so many. I just didn't ever believe he would cheat so they just didn't register.

One of the biggies was that he essentially stopped eating. He was always complaining that his stomach hurt and he couldn't eat. He dropped a lot of weight, we went to a specialist, he even had a stomach scope and a CT scan to see if we were dealing with ulcers or cancer. I remember speaking to the nurse. I told her it was so odd because, at the same time that he was complaining of pain after meals, he was also drinking more alcohol than I'd seen him drink in a long while. He always was a drinker, but it was getting stupid. He would be up late on work nights drinking glass fulls of vodka. He would drink goblets of wine and he drank almost an entire case of beer himself at our DDs 3rd birthday party. The nurse told me that if the last scan didn't show anything, it was a mental health problem and we were going to immediately switch gears. No one with major stomach problems is able to handle booze like that, but I had no way of disproving his complaints of pain.

He gave me the "I'm not in love with you anymore" speech before he got those final results. He moved out and never admitted to being with OW. He's still never admitted anything and claims they only just started seeing each other after he moved. Funny thing about that - she was his secretary and I started hearing rumblings about them spending a lot of time together for lunches. He had blamed his feelings all on me and was gone before I had confirmation.

Looking back, I missed it all and instead of worrying and taking him to all those doctor appointments, I should have investigated and hoped his asshole rotted out from all the stress that he brought on himself.

My husband travels for work and is in different cities each week with no consistent schedule. In May he was staying in the same city each trip which was highly unusual. I knew an old flame that he had recently reconnected with lived within driving distance of that city, but I pushed the thought away. When he was in the city, he contacted me very little. Again, pushed the thought away. Then, when he got his June schedule and he was scheduled to stay in the same city again, I knew something was definitely amiss. Then I went crazy looking for other clues. Didn't take much effort, everything was staring right at me, right under my nose, and I felt like a complete idiot.

I missed very little. I trusted my h, so I didn't look for evidence.

Hindsight, if I pulled up our cell phone bill, I would have seen that my h, who hates talking on the phone, spent 27 hours talking to one person in one month. But why would I look at cell records? I trusted my husband.

Hindsight, I noticed that he started deleting his history on his phone. But why would I question this? I trusted my husband.

Otherwise, he worked too much before and during the a, but he doesn't anymore. We spent time together before and during the a, but we spend more focused time together now. He had no boundaries before and during the a, but they are better now. I felt like we were partners before and during the a, now I am cautiously optomistic. Our sex life was lackluster before and during the a, much better now.

I don't blame myself for missing clues that I never should have had to look for. But I won't miss them if they ever happen again

Lets see bf was leaving for work a little earlier than he normally did. His phone which would be by the bed when he was getting ready for work was with him in the shower. hed be texting on the way to the shower who the hell was up texting at 630am. On aSaturday he was in the bathroom and I swear he was talking on the phone, I hit the creak on the stairs and I think he hung up, he thinks its gross to talk to people while you are doing your business in the bathroom. The kisses when he left for work stopped. The phone call during his break stopped. He'd take hours to text me back while I was at work. When we were home together he was texting he would click off fhe screen. We would normally go to bed at the same Time but he started going to bed alone. he forgot to tell me plans for his friends bday party, he said I thought I told you. In the car when we went to go pick him up somethin I stayed in the car normally he'd leave his phone since he uses Pandora, he took it with him.

I didn't have solid proof in hand. If I touched his phone to move it he'd take a deep breathe and look panicke. Until his buddy told me. When I got home that night his phone was in the living room and bf was asleep in bed. Yep I looked at took pics of all the messages. I had solid proof. Bf doesn't delete anything on his phone he knows I wont check his phone without asking. When I asked for his phone dd nothing was deleted. I really think the day he left his phone in the living room was the day he knew id been tipped off, and he knew what was coming.

Biggest clue I got..mmmmmm...MaNY. Too many to count. But he was always mean. I took it on being how he grew up ( poverty). After being together 17 yes, he finally talked me into having a threesome. I only did it to make him happy. That wasn't the AP, but one of several. Checked phone records and found a different number which ended up being a person I knew and was close to. I could tell he liked this one a lot by all the phone calls, conversations, she's a very pretty girl but thank God I knew that her inside ( person) is poison. And I told her so.

Currently in R but I don't know how.

[This message edited by nothinglefttogive at 12:14 PM, August 20th (Wednesday)]

There were clues but I missed them.

Here's the biggest one I missed. A couple of months before d-day, my wife left her job due to burn out. For her last couple of weeks, she was working late and going in on weekends. Looking back, she was going in to work, it was just an excuse to get out of the house.

My friend said, "Don't you worry about your husband working with all of those pretty women?" Huh? Why?

My mom called him a saint and a male coworker told her, "He is no saint." Huh? Why not?

He started weighing himself everyday. He started drinking diet coke. He started going out "with his buddies" regularly and wouldn't come home until after midnight...once out until about 4am.

And I STILL didn't pick up on it!!! I didn't catch on until I actually saw him chasing another woman. Even then, it took me months to get myself to believe it.

I picked up many clues, but talked myself out of them. I just never thought my WH would cheat on me.

He bought new underwear. The first he EVER bought. I usually bought his underwear. He started working out and losing weight. He was angry all the time with me. He was not helpful around the house. His sex drive was zero (with me), he didn't call me as often when he was on business trips, and he started drinking some frou frou Starbucks drink. I found a supplement called "Horny Goat Weed" in his car. I beat myself up, because when I'd get a feeling he was cheating, I would stuff that feeling down. Now I tell myself "you are not at fault for trusting your husband, it is what you are supposed to do".

Scratches on his back, deleted texts, smell of perfume on his shirt, long blonde hair in the laundry, late work nights but less income, phone charging in the truck over night, new clothes, new cologne... and on and on. I was a moron. I trusted him. I asked him if he was having an affair, he said no. I believed him. He had an explanation for everything and I just believed him.

I was a moron. I trusted him. I asked him if he was having an affair, he said no. I believed him. He had an explanation for everything and I just believed him.

Of course you did. We all did. We were different then. What else were we supposed to do? I never fathomed that my husband could blatantly lie and not feel incredible guilt. But he can, and he did. And made me feel like shit in the process. But his ass was covered. We believed because we are not capable of the same behavior. I was in such shock of finding some of the flags, that I threw them all at his feet, just so that he could hide shit better.

Hindsight... I wish I knew then what I know now.

[This message edited by TS68 at 12:24 AM, August 21st (Thursday)]

I remember whenever I got on the computer all of my passwords were gone. The browsing history was gone, the cookies, any downloads. I had to reinsert my passwords all the time. After I mentioned this to him, the problem stopped.

Then my computer went down and the kids wanted to track Santa on Norad since it was Christmas. I used the computer that he used often. He got furious! He said, "You already broke your computer! Don't use the one I use!" My computer had a hardware problem, I didn't download any viruses, so I was confused.

Then Christmas came and he didn't buy me anything. He said, "I bought you your computer as an early Christmas/Birthday present." I told him. "That was two years ago." I was positive because it was a three year warranty and I pulled out the receipt to make sure it was still covered for repair.

My kids cried on Christmas because Santa didn't bring me anything. Everybody else got presents but me. They spent their Christmas morning drawing pictures for me to be a present. I remember crying and wondering why my husband forgot. Two weeks later he was being a horribly mean jerk to me and finally I got a clue.

I woke up in the middle of the night and got his cell phone. I found a message for OW saying how much she missed her sexy stud.

I should have seen the clues way before then.

[This message edited by DMS88 at 12:34 AM, August 21st (Thursday)]

I allowed myself to become trapped in a limbo of being too damned intelligent to be fooled by all of her ridiculous lies & choosing to ignore them & continuing to live in a state of total denial. I did this to myself for years. Even when her actions & behavior effectively killed every shred of self respect & dignity that I had left.

It got to the point where it all became a demoralizing charade that she didn't even really bother to hide from me in the end.

Whereas earlier on in our marriage she'd make an effort to hide her telephone conversations with these other men from me, after I while she simply became content to speak with them openly, telling me that they were "just friends" of hers. This after I repeatedly told her throughout the first couple of years of our relationship/marriage, that I wasn't comfortable with her having these male "friends". That I thought it was inappropriate. Despite my objections, she just continued doing whatever she wanted to do, heated arguments about it or not.

Then, once I've become somewhat numb about the whole thing, I catch her sneaking off to areas of the house where I couldn't always hear these conversations. Then there would come the her little after work drives that would occasionally, then often bring her home later & later...

These would usually always coincide with a significant drop off in her interest in me. Conversationally, sexually... You name it.

So, I would always know.

It became like a sixth sense & I was never wrong.

- Jim

I have a theory that cheaters will put as little work as possible into covering their tracks. I think this is because they are distracted by their new love life, so they're not thinking very strategically. If you're a trusting spouse, then they don't have to do much, and in hindsight, it looks pretty bad. I was always suspicious with my ex, but felt guilty for being paranoid... in the end, my "paranoia" served me well. However, I'm still confused about what things deserved paranoia and what things were just irrational fear.

I suppose it follows that the best spouse to be is a trusting one when together, but suspicious when they're not around!

Of course my theory isn't tight because the cheaters who cover their tracks exceptionally well would never get caught, so we wouldn't hear those stories.

I can't stop thinking about this thread. And I hope lurkers or people who feel gaslighted can learn something from this. It's amazing how subtle at the time, yet in hindsight how glaring, some of these are.

Found a card from OW to exWH separate from the group company bday card. He had it hidden in his jacket. In it, she gushed about what a great boss he is, and thanked him for "always being there" for her. He told me I was jealous when I confronted him. It was about the second card like that I found. (I feel this is a very common thing, the separate card when there is already a company card. No good reason for this. )

I found a scrap of paper written in her handwriting, with words and translations in exWH native language. I think he was teaching her his language, and he wouldn't even bother to teach his own kids. And obviously she was making a special effort to learn "his" language.

These are some of the more subtle clues. The biggest ones are so common it's sad. Keeping the phone glued to him, not answering calls but then going outside and calling someone. Not answering calls and then suddenly needing to run to the gas station (to make a phone call). Being at my family's out of town, then him suddenly realizing he forgot to prepare something at the business and needed to drive back to our town at 10 pm.

Once, we were out to dinner with several other couples at a fancy restaurant. The waitress was being extremely rude to just me. Slamming plates, pissed face, literally huffing, trying to yank my dishes away and snapping things like "are you done". Finally, the others at the table brought it up how horrible she was acting to me and they all called the manager over to report her. She was immediately taken off our table and wasn't seen again, but to this day I suspect it may have been an OW.

Went in an art store where the owners knew me vaguely. They kept talking about a painting exWH had bought recently. I acted like I knew about it, but I did not. Hmmmm.....

More than one:

- He quickly skipped away from her page on FB. I asked who she was, he lied and said she was someone from work he didn't really know...he'd known her for almost 2 years by this point. He'd been her FB friend for a year, and they'd already turned it into a PA. I knew he was lying, but thought he just fancied her.

- He out of the blue decided he wanted to learn how to do oral...he used me to practice, for her

It was when he flirted with her, using our two young children, at a wedding reception, ignoring me completely, when I knew no-one there and we were sitting with his work colleagues, that I finally couldn't deny that it must be some kind of A. Still took me another 3 months to find proof that I could believe, though.