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My ex H started working a lot of extra hours, even on the weekends. The OW was a co-worker of his. He also set up a gmail email account for all his "junk" mail he said. He also started wearing cologne to work, buying gum and breath mints and updated his wardrobe.

I don't know how I missed all of that!

He also over explained where he was and who he was with.

Duh!

My STBXWW had gotten a quite lazy with her grooming rituals. It looked like she had a poodle in her lap when she was naked.

I came home from a trip and she was almost neatly shaved... but stubbly. This was not done for me or it would've been fresh and smooth.

I knew then and there.

It looked like she had a poodle in her lap when she was naked.

Iced Chai tea all over my screen! Awww, c'mon, toy poodles are cute!

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 2:02 PM, August 19th (Tuesday)]

My wxh was so slick that he asked me if it would be OK if she went on an overnight trip with him. Because she needed to meet these customers that he would be meeting on that trip.

I said "absolutely not appropriate". He threw a remote control at me as hard as he could. I knew.

I made him call her right then and tell her that she wasn't going. The next morning, she left him a voice mail that they needed to talk. He left on his trip, and I watched his cell account rack up minutes talked - and he wasn't talking to me. In those days you couldn't see the numbers until the billing cycle ended, but I didn't need the bill to know what it was going to be.

The sad fact with me is that I had NO idea. I missed nothing, because there was nothing. We are on DD #3, the first time WSO's ex called me and told me to have his other girlfriend stop calling her. The next time, about 7 years later, I got a letter from her, at work telling me about their 5 year A. This DD, just before Christmas, I found pictures of her naked breasts on his computer, while I was looking for a picture of his dad to complete a gift I was giving him. This OW does not know our address, or our phone number. She only had his work number and a gmail account. They only saw each other at lunch hours or when he could steal an hour or two away from work. He never bought her anything, or took her anywhere. So, I'm either extraordinarily dense, or I don't know what. I guess the key would have been that at each occurrence, we were having difficulty in the relationship. So, if he's ever distant an uninvolved with me again...that will be my clue, I guess.

The biggest clue is probably similar to everyone else...the dreaded cell phone. All of a sudden, she would not leave it outside of arm's reach at any given moment. It was so obvious and I was so naïve and blind...

Anger; he seemed angry at the world! He was more angry with himself, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I actually told him no three prior times when he proposed. Told him not when he was like that. Then I married him. Should have said no again :(

There were so many clues that I missed, but it was the Viagra that nailed him. He had allegedly gotten it because he was having ED problems with me. At a certain point, though, having become suspicious, I started counting the pills every single day and noting any depletions (not explained by sex with me) in a journal. Although I had a lot of other evidence by the time I confronted him, the disappearing Viagra was what clinched it.

The biggest one I got and I still can't believe I didn't think any more of it was a year before DDay yes a year- I found a prostitute website on our computer. I knew he looked at porn and just thought it was a bit odd but may be this was just him looking at it in a different way. What a trusting fool I was. I was 6 months pregnant with our third at the time and suprise suprise he was banging them then, had been before I was pregnant and continued after I gave birth to our third, I can't believe I didn't put 2&2 together, It truly never occurred to me he would actually be doing it.

My big clue was when he stopped talking about her. She was a friend, and it wasn't unusual at all for him to have female friends. He was quite envious of her and her husband. They had a huge house and a huge RV. OW's exH's family is wealthy, and the X is very status conscious. He even took me over to their house to show it off. Talked constantly about her painting technique. She was into rag rolling to the point of excess

He started talking about her her H mistreated her. How he was stingy with his money. She made very good money as a nurse ($75 an hour at the prison where they both worked) but her H was a big meany.

Then, suddenly, all the chatter stopped. And that's when I started investigating. The rest is history.

He butt dialed me when he was with psycho bitch. I heard a womans voice in background and he gaslited me saying it was background noise in a store. I didn't remember this butt dial but found it on his old phone cuz I texted him and he got back to me via text. I now know that was his last and only hookup where he could finish the act without ED. This old phone and text confirmed the all elusive timeline but it was bittersweet and I kick myself for not getting what was happening.

Makes me sick to think how gullible and how I trusted this man. I didn't find out until 2 years later about this.

[This message edited by whattheh at 5:07 PM, August 19th (Tuesday)]

Waving my hand here to one of the stupidest at missing a clue.

He said her name in his sleep. How clueless can you be? We all worked together and I thought he was dreaming about work.

The worst part- they had decided to call off the affair but when I went into work the next day and told her he said her name she started it up with a vengeance. Imagine how smug she must have been when I told her that. It makes me sick.

The cell phone... he was never very protective of it. Until he started cheating. Then it was on him ALL THE TIME.

The biggest clue I missed was that I'd say something to him and he would get annoyed, insisting "I told you that already!" It kept happening, over and over. I started wondering if I was really that forgetful, or if he was, or what. Turns out, he would tell OW things and then think he had told me.

The biggest clue I ignored was his lying about phone use.

The clue that finally smacked me in the head was realizing (months later) that the only way he could guard his cell phone any more than he was would be to have shoved it up his ass. HA! Maybe I should have done that.

The biggest clue I missed was that I'd say something to him and he would get annoyed, insisting "I told you that already!" It kept happening, over and over. I started wondering if I was really that forgetful, or if he was, or what. Turns out, he would tell OW things and then think he had told me.

Ugh! FWH did that, too. And, I would laughingly say "You must have told someone else, 'cause you didn't tell me."

An STD. Nope, I really didn't see it for what it was. (It was an unusual one, and it was not identified for me as such until many years down the line. When it was, a decade and a half of in-the-dark uneasiness suddenly made a whole lot of sense.)

There were so many clues that I dismissed over the years. The biggest one that bothers me the most was when he called me by OW's name while we were having sex.

Another one was when I was visiting a friend that was in a hospital in a town I had never been to before. While driving by a jewelry store, WH pointed it out as the store where he bought my engagement ring. WH has never bought me an engagement ring because my ring is a family heirloom. He kept insisting he did and even described the ring to me. I showed him my ring finger and I could see all of the color drain from his face. Needless to say, he wanted to change the subject.

The hang up phone calls were another big clue. How he would talk to me and treat me like dirt whenever he was around people who knew of his A's. How he would never introduce me to people he worked with or was friends with. Around me, he listened to country music. One day while we were driving, I accidentally turned it to a pop station. Imagine my surprise when he not only knew the song, but knew all of the words by heart.

Another clue was his new three and four shower a day habit. He changed his hairstyle, grew a goatee, and started wearing a seashell necklace of mine. While he use to refuse to go to the store before, he began eagerly volunteering for 2 hour trips to the grocery store for a gallon of milk and more often than not, he would come home completely empty handed. Wearing cologne to work, the breath mints, the new underwear (sexy boxers instead of his stained tighty whities). Not to mention the mysterious "rash" his seat belt and razor started giving him on his neck.

I missed all the clues. Red flags with no hard proof. I should have given all those flags more weight.

It would be how long it took him during sex when I had been gone over two weeks. I remember almost stopping and asking him. I wish I had. I felt dirty nd used when I found out. Oh ad he took his ring off four days before he left.

Sadly, I didn't miss any clues. I caught oh-so-many. But his modus operandi was to be unfailingly honest. So the inconceivable was simply that--inconceivable!

"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." :(

So far my WS has only admitted to a EA, but all there are so many signs that it is a PA.

Stains in his underwear

Showering more than once a day

Shaving the bizarre hair triangle on his back (which he has never done for the 19 years I've been with him)

The strange marks on his neck that he swears are irritations from shaving.

Always having gum in his work bag

Changes in sexual activity

Telling me how lucky I am that he can go for so long, because some men can only last five minutes (I am guessing he is referring to the OW OBS).

He swears up and down that 'sex was completely off the table' but it is so obvious.

Other signs:

He had always left his phone on the counter, he then all of a sudden had it on him at all times, if it was on the counter it was upside down.

Deleted his text message history

Started going out with his coworkers, not answering texts, or calls from me for hours.

Started running

Obsessed with his thinning hair

Started playing soccer

Later hours at work

Started taking out cash instead of using his debit card

Being extremely irritable with me and the kids

Lying about who he was going out with

Staying up late to 'watch tv', then on school breaks, having to go to bed early because he he's 'so tired and has to go to work in the morning.'

He did the 'I told you about that already' too! Ugh!