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Thinking more about this, this is the real reason I would not want an apology from the OW:

An apology says that the A had something to do with you. As a BS, I have worked very hard to accept and understand that my WHs AP could have been anybody. It was not about her or about me - it was about him and his brokenness (for lack of better word). The OP is irrelevant. An apology means the OP believes they are relevant. For me, if I received an apology, I would have to acknowledge that this person has caused me pain. I actually do not want the OW to know that I think about her or that she has contributed to tearing my world apart. I want her to believe she gave it her very best shot but in the end she was a "blip" in our lives - as irrelevant to me as she is to my WH.

I'm not sure everyone would share that feeling, but that is how I feel. I will never acknowledge to OW that she takes up any space in my head, and I would be resentful if she put me in a position of having to acknowledge to her that she ever had the power to cause me pain.

Perhaps my own feelings, and apologies in general, have a lot to do with the nature of the A. The OW in my case was a classic young gold digger with Daddy issues. She pursued him - she knew he was married and that was why she wanted him. She bought candy for our kids, for him to give them. It made her feel powerful to be his secret mistress - that was the point. She can't possibly, possibly comprehend the magnitude of pain she spun - how could she ever begin to offer an apology for it?

I don't want her apology because, bottom line, the A had nothing to do with her. She was the vehicle my WH happened to be driving when he crashed and burned.

Having said all of that, I do think it is a very good indication of the kind of person you truly are, that you feel compassion for the BS and that you want to apologize. I suspect a great number of APs do not ever arrive at that place. Empathy is HUGE for healing, and so I think you have already jumped a giant hurdle on the journey. As a BS, I appreciate you sharing your struggle and making yourself vulnerable to our thoughts. Thank you.

Thank you plainpain--this is very illuminating. I can't even tell you how much I appreciate it, and to everyone else here who shared their insights.

I read your letter and thank you Pizzalover for your suggestion.

Glad I could help!

Ow1 apologized to me she knew about me before they started the affair. I feel like she only apologized for herself. Both ow "didn't want to hurt me" or our M, yet particpated in an affair with a married man. The only thing I want from them is true empathy and remorse - and I dont need to hear from them about it.

If the AP doesnt know about the M, thatd be different. But the ow knew about me and my kids and didnt care.

NC means NC. Leave them alone. Why stir the pot? If you make her angry with the apology, you may not like where that anger will take you. The BS may just say, "The nerve of that AP to establish contact and try to alleviate her guilt for causing me pain." in my BW's own words. She agrees with plainpain, you could have been anyone. Honestly, at the point we are in R... I would be angry if my AP contacted my wife to apologize. I am indifferent towards her, but it would make me hate her for throwing the shit back in her face again and for having the nerve to shine the spotlight on herself again.

What zugwang said!!!! A month ago AP showed up on our doorstep....banging on the door threw red roses and yelled asshole to H ....I slammed the door yelling GET OUT....

At that moment he went from indifference to HATE....I told him though hate what she did NOT her...hate is an emotion....no emotion PLEASE!!

BS here...Mine was a double betrayal. ..My FWH AP was my brothers wife. When I first found out about the A (& before I found SI) I sent her a message saying that I felt the "least" she could do was apologize to me. (MY H had apologized to my brother twice...telling him he wished it'd never happened)...anyway her response to my message was "An apology would be like a joke". She wasn't sorry it happened, so she wasn't about to apologize!

It took a while but I finally got to the point that I don't want an apology from her. It would now be insulting to get one from her...I think for some BS it would feel like a mockery!

I think it is kind that you sincerely think of her & hate the pain you've caused her, but IMHO, I wouldn't do it.

I think that for your own healing, it's good that you are remorseful. Thanks for the post, I like knowing how other BS feel about this as well...

Also what PlainPain said. I think hers was a good post that also helped express how I feel. She actually said some things that my IC told me about letting OP get in your head, how they didn't have anything to do with the A, etc.

Again, you are to be applauded for the empathy you show.

I thought about sending my xAP's BW an apology letter. My BH said no effing way. NC is NC. He said you can write her a letter, read it to me (or not) then trash/burn it.

Healing journey

As you can see you are getting a lot of different replies from BSs.

Personally, I think an apology, from the OW, also would have helped me heal.

In addition, an admission that she instigated the affair and pushed for sex continually and persistently.

Why.

Because initially, despite emails and texts to the contrary, she insisted on gaslighting her husband by telling him, my husband was the aggressor and pursuer.

My husband, conversely, never blamed her stating only that they were both the pursuers.

The reality is she targeted my husband, and then stalked him and me prior to my husband actually even talking to her.

This information was included in an anonymous letter I receive, apparently she bragged to others about stalking my husband by determining his patterns in town, and then showing up wherever he was. She also stalked me, because she was curious.

Not that my husband wasn't very wrong for taking her bait, but I still want to hear her say she initiated the affair.

But, every BS is different, as you see.

Personally, I would not say anything nasty to the OW, I would just listen to what she said and accept her apology.

But, a lot of BSs may feel differently. So can you handle being insulted by the BS?

Seethelight, thank you. I'm willing to take any insults the BW sends my way. But I think for my husband's sake, I am not going to pursue this. Right now he has asked me not to bring up the infidelity and not try to fix everything at once. Our communication is very superficial these days and he mentioned to the MC last night that he wishes he could have 2 weeks or so living away from me to try to heal himself a little bit. Made me very sad to hear. So I think I need to keep the focus on him and me only.

Healing journey:

I think your plan sounds good.

IMO, it is best to do what your BH asks of you.

Sounds like the perfect plan. Focus on him.

Unless the other man's wife reaches out to you, you should stay far, far away.

My GF cheated on me. One of the things I want above all others is for the other man to be out of our lives for good. I never want to hear from him and I never want him to contact my GF for any reason in any way whatsoever. And I really don't want him contacting me.

If you contact this woman, she will likely interpret it as either you trying to break them up so you can have her husband, or you getting your jollies by rubbing her face in it.

Unless you know for a fact that she wants to hear from you, leave her alone. You've done enough already.

An apology is too little/too late

This is one of the reasons I'm not a big fan of apologies. The time to feel bad about something is before you do it, or at least while you're doing it.

To me, an apology after the fact is just a way of saying "Ha ha, I screwed you over and now there's nothing you can do about it."

[This message edited by capilot at 7:17 PM, August 21st (Thursday)]

Please do Not do that. OW did that to me 2 months after dday

And sent me right back to ground zero. Just let them be. Let them work on their relationship like you are trying to do. I promise best thing you can do is stay away.

Don't do it. Even if she reaches out to you, I would hesitate to respond. Focus on your BH.

I wouldn't do it unless she reaches out to you. My Ex's OW apologized, but I had been in contact with her to verify some of the things he had told me (well...besides the angry F you emails I sent during the affair). Anyway, she did send me an apology a couple months after the A ended and at the time I accepted and basically told her to fix her shit and grow up so she didn't ruin anyone else's life (she was very young).

Anyway, I was in a cloud for a good year while dealing with everything. Truth is, I don't forgive her...I don't hate her, but really don't think she deserved my 'forgiveness'.

Point is, even if she did/does want an apology now, her emotions may change even a few years out. If she wants to hear from you now, a month from now or 5 years from now that ball is rightfully in her court.

Work on healing your husband and eventually forgiving yourself.

Still, I can't imagine wanting contact with her. Ever. Ever! It seems counter-intuitive, perhaps, but your apology would most likely make you feel better and her worse. Making life decisions based on what you wanted to do instead of what was best for another is what brought you here in the first place. Please don't give in to that impulse.

This is the correct answer. I regret my apology, it only enraged her further. Don't do it. You've created an enemy for life and there isn't anything you can do about it. OBS in my case tried to convince BH to leave me and is still subtly messing with my life. You have to turn a blind eye to everything and accept the shitty consequences of your shitty actions. Your remorse is meaningless to her.

What a BS NEEDS is to know that the OP is GONE from their life and is not going to be adding or taking away one single solitary more thing. The best you can do is be ferocious about NC. Do not be emotionally attached to her or her husband or the outcome of her life.

Agree. OM has stolen enough from your BH and by giving him or his family any of you thoughts or emotion is just hurting your reconciliation. I spent too much time crying about OBS in front of BH before he eventually told me how badly it hurt him. I was clueless and insensitive.

OBS in my case tried to convince BH to leave me and is still subtly messing with my life. You have to turn a blind eye to everything and accept the shitty consequences of your shitty actions.

While I agree the OBS had ever right to tell your husband about your affair, she does not have carte blanche to harass either you or your husband indefinitely. If she is "messing with your life," start documenting her harassment and go to the police.