SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am thankful to have found this place. It is so helpful to know that I am not alone in my struggle to deal with this. Can anyone who is working on R whose WS was involved in a LTA share your story. I am having a hard time finding you. Before being in this position I wouldn't have thought R was possible. I need to borrow your strength.

4PAs, three were long term (1yr-3). Pm me if you have any questions. Today is rough for me, I dont have strength to post my story right now but know you've been heard and I was one of the many in here if you have questions. I would love to offer any support I can, but today I struggle as well.

I don't really know what the definition of LTA is but my guess is that my H falls into that category. He had one A that lasted I think two years on and off as well as two others that were about a year each.

In his case there was (apparently) no emotional connection but there was a lot of texting, sexting and some meeting up etc.

It's hard, it sucks, it hurts and we're definitely well on our way to recovery.

My first DDay was in early June 2013, my "avalanche of truth" DDay was 6 weeks later.

I think every type of A is the worst and any other kind may seem easier to handle for some reason.

Hugs to you.

My FWH had a 3 yr long A. It started when our second baby was 6 months old and lasted until our third baby's 1st birthday. there were many horrible things he did during the A. it was a terrible time. As of 9/8 I am 3 yrs out from DDay. Feel free to pm me anytime. My story is very long but I will say that we are in R and things are going very well. It is really a journey and it has many ups and downs. I will say as I've gotten farther away from dday it has gotten easier. Pain that once paralyzed me no longer does and our obstacles no longer feel insurmountable. There are still triggers and dark moments but they are briefer and I go long periods in between-triggers no longer bring me to my knees. It gets better but it is hard work. My FWH has donr so much work on himself and has become a better, authetic person. Again please feel free to PM me.

My H had multiple As with one being 5+ years. We are 5+ years out from D-Day(s) and reconciled.

Same here...

Husband had a 5+ year LTA with an ex, 2-3 years off an on with a co-worker and 1.5 years off and on with someone he met.

He is very remorseful but doesn't have a clue how to do the "hard" work, he tries to rug sweep. With this, I threw in the towel about a year ago.

We are not doing well as I just can't get past it. Pretty sure it was a deal breaker for me but I just can't admit it because life as I know it will completely change for me and my kids.

Every story is different there's lots if success to be found on here. My advice, sit down ONCE loud and clear, tell him what you want/need/expect and let him go to work. How he responds will speak volumes.

Best of luck...

Hi there-- I guess I "win" the prize of being betrayed the longest of the respondents so far. My h had a 10 year affair.

The bare bones of my story are in my profile.

There is hope. Me and h are in a good place, 4.5 years after all hell broke loose.

Betrayal sucks no matter whether it lasted 20 minutes or 20 years. It sucks, sucks, sucks.

The biggest difference that I see in LTA is that there is so much history that you question. More photos where you will search his face for clues of what he was thinking.

Eventually, you realize that it is HiS memories that are tarnished. Not mine. If he was thinking of her while was with me on ak skii trip at Crested Butte, it doesn't take away one iota of fun I had on that trip...but I know his memories of those times are painful because he knows he snuck away to call her. Not. My. Problem.

It took me a long time to get to this point. I finally know that his affair was because if his deficiencies, not mine.

There are an entire group of LTA survivors down in the "I Can Relate" forum, check out Long Term Affairs (Part 34) at http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=529965

2plus years here....we are on the road to recovery...it takes a strength you never knew you had...

Acceptance is the key for me and at 22 months I am close but I know I am on the 2 to 5 year plan....

Love is why I am here....

I am on the acceptance plan....its hard work but we are up for it....

Those of us in the LTA world don't really fall into the 2-5 year model. My d-day antiversary is tomorrow and it was 5 years ago. You get to a point of acceptance but it is more of a carry on in quiet desperation. Sorry to be a downer but the marriage will never be the same and it certainly isn't better or worse. LTAs involve so much emotion that should have been directed to us, the betrayed. But wasn't . It will be with you as long as you are together.

My H had a 2 year affair w my friend. Mother of my son's friend. Her H worked often. She would come w her kids places w us. We'd swim at her house. She'd come for dinner after her son played here all day. We watched her son often and he was once my sons BFF

She was always wo her H. She then hung w my H during sporting events. I wondered y H was so eager to take son. They bonded. Friendship to her declaring attraction. H bit- hook line sinker. Two yr physical affair developed. They'd meet before work, lunch (she works half time year one) and a crack motel 30 mins away on Sat morons for an hour

He slept on couch for almost 1 1/2 yrs texting her. Then BAM. I outed their A. After I gathered evidence, financially and mentally prepared myself, etc.

He said A was dwindling. He was trying to stop but it was too easy to text and screw then move on to real life.

He sold her out after I confronted him. Told me every disgusting detail that I asked.

I met w her few times. I have not told her H.

I've decided to give R a shot. He never loved her, although he said he did to her face. How could he? He never lived w her? Never saw the true her. Just the fantasy her

I'm not sure I'll remain married to this man. I really don't know. I just know my kids are happier when he's here. My life is ok with him. I enjoy being with him. If there is one trace of porn or a contact w a female, he's gone. There will be no DD2 for this woman. I'm financially prepared and have two plans.

I'm looking at is as dating. I'm getting to know his man to see if I want to be married or jump ship.

Hang in there. It's a hell none of us desere

You might find the support you are looking for in the ICR forum - there is a thread dedicated to those dealing with LTA's

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=529965

My H had a 3yr EA that culminated in a 3mo PA. The EA had a real hold on him.

We are 7+ years out here and fully & happily R'd. It takes a fully remorseful WS, a ton of work by both spouses. It's not easy, but it can be done.

Found out on June 4, 2013 that my husband had been having a 3 yr affair.

My husband wants to stay married--I'm struggling with that.

I've come to an understanding of sorts about how the affair started----that was hard because it's difficult to look back 3 years and remember what was going on with any detail. The kids were 5 and 3 years old.

Having kids completely changed my life---I quit my job that I loved to stay home. His life didn't really change---he got a picture for his desk. When our first daughter was 6 weeks old, he went skiing for a week with his buddies from college. He went every year. He continued to have a social life that included bars and happy hours and work events.

I didn't feel comfortable leaving the kids with babysitters and we don't have family in the area. He thought we could get someone to watch the kids off Craigslist. I kid you not. Craigslist.

Long story short, we had differing ideas about childcare and family. He admitted later he admired the AP's lifestyle---in her 40s no kids, going to the bars, crazy sex.

We'd also just bought a new house and it needed some repairs--new roof, new A/C units and our old house also needed a new roof and A/C unit before it could be rented. Money was not an issue but I grew up poor and completely admit that I have "issues" with money. Money =security for me. I'm a saver not a spender.

Anyway, there were issues---kids, money, sex ( we had sex at least twice a week and I thought that was adequate---apparently, I was wrong). He also had a social life that I did not take part in ---happy hours and such for work.

He had opportunity, desire to cheat, ability to rationalize it ( It'd be ok because MRF will never know.)(Later he told me, "I didn't mean to hurt you MRF--that's why I kept it a secret."), and the ability to lie to cover his tracks = affair.

Now, ~1 year post DDay, I'm trying to understand why I didn't demand better for myself.

I wasn't happy during the three years of the affair---he admits that he resented me for not exercising and for my weight ( I was an obese size 6! OMG! I never exercised---we dated 5 years before marrying and had been married 12 years at the time of the A--you'd think he would have realized that---it's just an excuse/blame shifting. The AP is a ~100# & loves yoga/pilates.)

He compared me to her and fantasy is always going to win over reality. I'm working on why I accepted sub-par treatment from him during those years.

Why did I allow myself to be treated like that? I was lonely. I was unhappy with the state of the marriage but couldn't figure out what went wrong.

"Moving forward" as he likes to say, I want a marriage where I am loved, respected, and shown loyalty and consideration.

Discovering his affair was horrific but--- it made me realize I deserve more than I was getting.

I have worth. I have value. I am deserving of love and attention.

That is my story and what I have learned.

Hugs to you (((forgivingishard)))

I am not yet a survivor of an LTA either through R or D so I probably shouldn't be responding. My WW committed adultery over a 3.5 to 4 year period with a COW. She was his supervisor to start with. He was married through the entire length of the LTA but separated from his wife a few months after he started seducing my WW. His wife left because he committed adultery with a different woman.

My wife travelled quite a lot with her job and when she travelled with him she would talk to me, sometimes for up to an hour and usually late at night when travelling. I was usually concerned about how she was doing, if she was tired, if there were any hostile people at the meetings she was presenting at - generally concerned about how she was. We ended the call with me saying I love you and her responding (that was how it usually was - her responding, not initiating throughout our marriage). She then would hang up and call AP to her room where they f**ked and then he left to go back to his room. His place was 5 minutes from work and she stopped on the way home for quickies probably once a week at a minimum when they were both in the office. They alos f**ked in a pretty little place by a river that we both liked in one of our pastures. I guess she wanted him to appreciate it to. They had quickies at noon when at work at his place - once in his van in a machine shed and once on a bed at his parents place and there were others. They f**ked in his van on the side of the road, on a viewing platform at a bird sanctuary and in our house.

They never spent a night together. The basically parted right after sex. They never spent any time "dating" - no movies, no dinners, not even a beer or soft drink at his place. The only expenses between them were covered on expense accounts. They spent very little time doing before intimacy things - wham, bam, thank you Ma'am. She says it wasn't the sex but doesn't know what she was getting from it. They basically only had work and sex so I don't know either.

She finally eased out of it. She didn't break it off. Just started going to his place fewer times and farther between at about three years after the beginning. She does not know the last time they had sex. She did not break it off because of guilt or regret or remorse or conscience or morals. She broke it off because he started pissing her off with his attitude. All his failures were someone elses fault. She lied, deceived, connived, gaslighted until she finally confessed seven years later. Then she rug swept,

minimized, TT'd 3 more DDays with the last one on January 21, 2014.

We are trying to reconcile. It is not going well. She is still in the fog on some things. September is a very bad month for me but then so is July, October, November, December, January, February and March. Just going through the antiversary of some significant betrayal days.

We are christians. She went from church by my side to a motel room with him. We attended church regularly and I was on several church boards and committees. She could look me in the eye and say without flinching, blinking that she was not committing adultery and swear before God. She detests the word "f**k". (It had to be an extreme situation before I would say it but I use it all of the time now.) Early in the adultery he asked her in the throes of coitus if she wanted him to f**k her. She said "yes". He said "then say it". She said it and he said "no, say it like you mean it". Everytime they f**ked after that she said with out a cue, at the appropriate time "f**k me, f**k me, f**k me...until he ejaculated. She did not see anything wrong with that. She still does not see much wrong with it.

So, we are attempting reconciliation. We are still together. She is in IC and will be for a long time - thousands of dollars at $180/hour. At a little over 1 year past DDay I still do not have a time line. Of course, it will be a major work because of the length of time and frequency. I asked for two other things from her and have not had a completed copy of either. She, IMO, is still in some stages of denial, minimizing and poor me. The continues to be small amounts of TT which I tell her that a timeline would stimulate her memory so she could remember more details. You can only remember what you try to remember if you want to remember. I think she is going to start the timeline soon. But maybe not. We had a major blow up last night and she might leave. I think, in 37 years of marriage, she has only had one foot in. She was never all in.

So lots of roller coaster from hell. Some good spots when we are connecting but a lot of bad spots. A long way to go. A lot of hard work to do, lots of IC and then MC. If she hangs in there. She doesn't commit, she quits when things don't go just right. Hard to say where we are going to end up and what the eventual outcome will be.

Like I said to start with - I probably shouldn't be responding. It may not be appropriate. I am a long way from survivor whether R or D.

WSO and I are not married, but we've been together for 29 years, living together for about 17 years. We are older, both now 62. Three DDs, same unmarried OW. First time was just after we moved in together...I rugswept. Second time was about 7 years later, 5 year PA. Couldn't have been much of an A, because he was home every night and every weekend. She wrote a letter to my work to out him. I rugswept again. Both times there were periods of honeymoon where everything was great... then lapsing into the A with her because something was wrong with us. The third time was devastating. Right after buying a new house. A 2 yr EA with a few months of PA.

My advice... deal with it and deal with it hard, now. If I hadn't rugswept the first two times maybe we would have learned the communication skills that were missing. I thought I was doing all the things he wanted me to do, taking care of a larger new house, caring for HIS grandchild so HIS daughter could breathe a little easier... but neglecting my relationship with him. Anyway, long story short, instead of voicing his displeasure with me he chose to seek out the much younger, fun person I used to be, that he finds in this other person.

I confronted him on Christmas Eve morning after I had found a new place to live (not easy with horses and dogs) and was leaving. That snapped him out of whatever fog he was in and he begged me to stay and work on it. I've loved this man for half of my life, so I stayed as long as work was being done. He dropped her like a hot potato (which unleashed the gates of hell on me in the form of letters and texts to me) so I know he never contacted her again. He works very hard to make our life a safe haven, and we have renewed intimacy and the communication is so much improved I can't believe it.

So, LTA??? Uh, Yeah. I pointed out to him that of the 17 years we've lived together, I unknowingly had been sharing him for half of that with 'her'. He was a little taken back by the thought of that. It's insidious....it moves like a shadow over a relationship...whatever it is that makes them think it's easier to seek comfort outside the relationship than to communicate unhappiness within it and work on it. Her availability made it that easy, my NEW availability will make it harder for him in the future. I believe that. Doesn't make it a whole lot easier, but we work on US every day now. I never let him turn from me when disagreements pop up. Lots of counseling, lots of talking, lots of new tools in his toolbox to deal with issues as they arise. It's work. It's hard. But it's worth it. It's my life.

Hi forgivingishard.

Welcome to SI, sorry you have to be here.

My WH had an LTA with someone related to his work that lasted at least 10 and probably more like 14 years. The last two were long distance because I demanded we relocate to another state.

There were clues prior to this, but I never connected the dots. I was clueless for nine years, and upon discovery of a receipt for jewelry never intended or given to me, I became a dedicated sleuth. After recording his cell phone calls and anything else I could uncover for 13 months I confronted him only to learn that the Affair started 10 years prior. It took 2 years to move, and another 2 years before all the Unknown, Private, and Restricted (some he answered, some he did not) calls disappeared from his cell phone.

We were in MC when all this was discovered.

Today we are better but he's never answered all my questions. He just shuts down. He is very much aware how this changed me and our marriage.

Moving was the only thing that saved my marriage, I could no longer be surrounded by the memories of her.

In my case, I still love him, just differently.

PM me if you want.

My FWH had a 4 year A, with the last 6 months occurring after DDay. It's been almost 6 years and are together, but it will never be the same. Being a SAHM I stayed for my security. Do I love him, yes, but I don't feel the "in love".

My FWH doesn't know how to show emotions. After DDay2, he did all the right things and went to IC for a few times, but didn't last. He's the kind of guy that when he says he'll do something, he does. He's very disciplined. I still don't trust him because I just can't understand how someone can spend 4 years with someone and just stop. I still check up on him and have found nothing.

Are we happy, probably not, are we okay, yes. We just built a new home and he wants to travel and he doesn't work long days. But we live as roommates. I just have no desire to have sex with him. I feel he ruined it for me.

I just wish he had never done this to me.

You can check my profile to see just how many LTAs my WH has had. We are about two years and three months out. We have been doing regularly ok. Lots of therapy - both personal and MC - and lots of talking for the first two years but today I triggered quite badly. You never get over it. It gets easier if you want to stay together and if the wayward spouse works hard on him/herself. I will never forgive or forget and the compromises are many. However, my WS has tried hard to make things better. It's horrid that you find yourself here but it's a good place to get advice and to read many different stories and to know that you are not alone. There are over 40,000 members here!

Just raising my hand as another member of this club. I have to head out and can't write a long post, but my story is in my profile.

My WH fell "in love" with his AP and really struggled to give her (or the dopamine rush) up. It was an awful period. I wish I had found SI sooner and hadn't tried to be so "graceful" and "kind".

We struggled through some false R for a while, seem to be doing better since he finally decided he was "all in" and moved back in. We have a lot of good days now... but I still struggle privately every day. Healing is a long, long process.

The rollercoaster goes on and on. No short cuts.

I do believe we can make it and that our M can be stronger and more authentic than ever. I wouldn't stick around if I didn't believe that.

That doesn't minimize the pain or the fallout... and my kids have been greatly damaged by their original discovery of the A, his continuation until Dday, and then his waffling after Dday. I find that more unforgivable than his A, in many ways.

I'm still in year 2... I've heard that healing can take twice the time of the A.... sigh.... I'm sick of all the years wasted on this.... But R or D, I've got to work through it to find healing.

I hope you will too!

(((Forgivingishard))) - that's a hug, by the way!

Welcome to SI. This place has been a life-saver for me. I hope you find courage and the answers you are seeking here as well.

My FWH was involved in a 6-year LTA with a woman who lived in a state he traveled to on business. This made it easy for him to conceal his A and to establish what he considered to be a fantasy life that he could escape to. Problem was she fell madly in love with him and when I discovered what was going on and he ended it, she went bunny boiler on us. But that's another story.

As far as my H is concerned, when I found out about his A, I called him at work and he begged me not to do anything rash - that he loved me, that he would end it immediately, that he was so sorry. And I could hear the panic in his voice. I was actually planning to throw all of his things out but, instead I prayed. I prayed until he got home and really "felt" I was to hear him out and give him a chance.

After H ended it with OW and established complete NC, we began to rebuild our marriage. H has been amazing. Besides the fact that he literally can not stop holding me when we are alone, we have talked and talked - about his A, why it happened and why it will never happen again. H has planned exciting day-trips and vacations for just the 2 of us. And it feels like we are newlyweds all over again.

However, the biggest thing H did to help heal our marriage was the remorse he has felt and demonstrated. When he saw how much OW was hurting me (with texts she sent me about how much in love they were, yada, yada, yada), he broke down and was sobbing. Whenever anything happens (always due to something else OW has done), he will literally tremble and just keep repeating, "I am so sorry I did this to us..." And he means it. The mention of OW literally makes him sick. He can't eat when we "have" to discuss her or his A. And when I nightmare about the two of them, which is quite a lot, he will wake up and hold me until I feel safe again.

I would be remiss to omit the roll our faith has played in what is becoming successful R. H had fallen away from God and had lost his faith during the A years. Since Dday, we attend church again - every week that we can. And that - coupled with long talks we have had about what it means to have a relationship with God and with each other as a couple united by Him - has made a difference.

Forgivingishard, I hope this encourages you. And I hope it is the type of story you were looking for. I wish I could tell you that it has all been roses and sunshine. It hasn't. Ramifications of his LTA still plague us. But overall, we really are, in many ways, better than ever.

P.S. Please feel free to PM me any time!!

[This message edited by needfriendshere at 10:39 AM, September 12th (Friday)]