SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My ex has apologized a million times...and it all feels empty and flat because I know he will never understand how his choices really affected me.

He is looking at me via a mirror. Just like in any situation where someone is telling you a story...you can't really feel what the other person is feeling. He is on the outside looking in because he only experienced HIS side of the affairs and fallout.

For example, if I have a friend who is telling me a story about a painful situation, I can offer sympathy and maybe some empathy, but I can't really understand her pain because I didn't experience her situation. That is how I view my ex and his "apology", he can use the words, but he doesn't really know. They are just words.

. . . there is someone behind her poking her with a stick which annoys her even more.

I'd suggest letting go of that. That's deflecting it from her. I think you have to see it as between her and you . . . you can not do anything about anyone else.

Think about it . . . (assuming you mean Gru) More likely (in this analogy) he's another snake and she's poking him with the stick. If it weren't for her, he and you might actually manage some level of civility (though still with mutual dislike and distrust). They also might have an allatsea-dislike feedback loop going on . . . but honestly, that shouldn't matter to you.

I really believe you will be able to handle it better if you avoid using even the slightest excuse to deflect the causes of her behavior to someone else. Regardless of outside influence, it's on her, and her alone. I think that's how you need to see it, and that's how you need to plan your contact (in those VERY RARE cases where contact is required).

Do they ever say sorry?

Not mine. He hates me and it is all my fault for blowing his cover of the perfect family man. I gave up even bringing it up because he still gets really angry and defensive and somewhat abusive. I don't want or need an apology from him because he is mental. Why would I expect him to think like a normal human when he isn't?

Mine has been apologizing pretty much since he was served, never stopped the affair though lol. The past 2 wks he's dumped OW and has been actively trying to win his family back, Im still not sure he's sincere

I've received a written "apology", however it came shortly after Dday and he basically blamed me for everything. Yeah, not going to count that one. I wasn't good at NC back then, so I told him to fuck himself.

A family friend had a husband leave her for an OW while he was in alcohol treatment. He ended up living with that woman for 8 years. At 9 years, he came back to her, apologized, and tried to get her back. She said it was hard to not laugh in his face. She had long ago moved on with another guy. She is still with that guy, still not married, still lives in her own home, but has been with him for over 30 years.

Another story is the woman that led the Divorce Care group I attended for a bit. Her XH also left her for another woman and totally shit all over her kids too. He had barely anything to do with them growing up. He married the OW and she is a nasty, controlling bitch. She caused lots of drama and doesn't allow him to have a decent relationship with anyone.

He ended up calling his XW (divorce care leader) 33 years later and apologized. Said he was sorry for leaving, sorry for being a shitty father and for treating her like shit for all those years. She said she did appreciate it and then said "I'm surprised your wife is okay with you doing this". He said "Oh, she doesn't know and don't ever say anything. She'd kill me if she found out". Nice.

I have yet to receive an apology and I am not holding my breath. I did get the, "I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you."

In fact, I got (still getting) quite the opposite, it's all my fault, I was a lousy wife, he was justified, blah, blah, blah.

I can totally understand "sorry". I got an " I'm sorry that I hurt you". He denies A, even though he married 5 months after D. And we got a really quick D.

Does it matter if he's sorry? You know what he did was wrong. Morally and ethically, most people would agree that you should end a marriage or relationship before starting a new one.

But he's not moral or ethical. Which means I don't want to be with him anyway.

So when I got that version of "sorry" that I thought I needed, it did not help. I don't feel any better.

I often see on here, that when the long awaited karma bus arrives, the hurt person doesn't get that " good feeling" they hoped for. I think this is the same thing.

I'm sorry for you. It sucks how much infidelity hurts.

I have never received an apology and it's been five, almost six years since he started the affair with OW2, his current wife (who he now has two children with, btw).

I moved on a long time ago, and met my current SO in 2011, so it's not a big deal anymore.

However, it wasn't just me he betrayed. He also betrayed his children, and they have suffered since then. As a parent, I know this. He doesn't realize that he left a hole in their heart, no matter how much he tries to compensate with gifts, phone calls, and his trips once in a while to visit them.

I'm the one who has to help the two youngest get back on track in life and it's tough as a single mother (I don't live with SO).