SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Not in my experience. The hell just keeps continuing while you co-parent together. (9 years out)

10 months after separation (we were engaged living together) Unfortunately we work together

Last Friday he apologized, he sounded very honest and coherent with what he was saying, I even felt some sympathy towards him...surprise, surprise yesterday he was the same immature, crazy man. He started blaming everything on me, he said I destroyed his life, that I'm evil, that it was all my fault.

I don't know if this qualifies or not, but here is my story. I have not made it a secret that I cheated on my first husband. I can give you 1,000's of reasons why but it matters not, does it. I shouldn't have cheated on him. I should have just left. But, that is all water under the proverbial bridge. It took me a few years but the guilt finally caught up with me and I felt horrible. OMG, how could I have done that to my husband? Didn't matter that we had a horrible marriage. He did not deserve that. I called him up and asked if we could meet. We had both moved on and we were in new relationships, but I was suffering from so much guilt and remorse and felt that if nothing else, I needed to apologize to my former spouse for what I had done. We met and I took all the blame for cheating. I told him how much I deeply regretted what I did and asked for his forgiveness. Maybe not now but sometime in his future. He assured me I would never, ever get it. I was dead to him.

He is happily remarried now. Has been for many years, but he still hates my guts. I guess I deserve it. I will live with the shame and guilt of what I did for the rest of my life. It is not an easy thing to live with. Now, years later, the tables have been reversed. I have been betrayed by my best friend of 31 years, but there is a little piece of me that says, I deserved it.

[This message edited by devasted30 at 11:36 AM, October 7th (Tuesday)]

Yes. Almost one year to the date of him leaving for OW then moving back to my state (OW left him). We were already D. He apologized, acknowledged that he is fucked up, and was hoping I would give him another chance. He showed genuine regret, but I could tell there was no remorse and he would do it over and over again. He has no desire to fix his brokenness and says that is just how he is. I had already moved to "meh" so nothing he said had any impact on me. I truly believe he is a sociopath. I made it very clear we would never get back together and we are now civilly polite to each other. I will never trust him and having to interact is like dealing with a pesky cockroach, but there currently is no vocal nastiness. However, being a sociopath that could change at any time and I always have my guard up.

My ex is very sorry. He's sorry he got caught. He's sorry I wouldn't change to fit his needs. He's sorry things didn't work out (meaning that I didn't change to fit his needs). Occasionally he can even muster up a little actual contriteness about how much the OW managed to hurt me thanks to all the info he provided her about my various insecurities during their dashboard (pillow) talk. But no, I see no actual remorse for the destruction of our family/life/marriage.

As so many others have said, tho, it doesn't matter. After three years of False R, I finally realized The Guy Lies Alot. So even if he actually apologized for screwing everything up, I wouldn't believe him.

Ten years for me - is he sorry? - yes. Has he apologized? - sort of. Does he show remorse? - absolutely not. The only regret he feels is in relation to how it affects HIM. And looking back, it's always been that way.

We were married for 24 years, and I was always the one apologizing, overlooking, and giving in - whether the issue was my fault or not.

I was so completely crushed when I found out the EA had gone underground and become PA, after 5 months of false R. He left, he never tried to change, he filed for D. He never really made any effort to save our marriage.

Now I realize that he did me a big favor. He would never have been able to express the kind of remorse I would need in order to feel loved and safe again. He is just not capable of that.

It was hell, but I've come out on the other side, stronger, better, and more sure of myself than I've ever been. Life is good for me. Not so much for him. He can't seem to find a partner who will put up with his shit the way I did.

NL

The most I've received is an "I didn't handle things very well." Since then, we've had a much easier time with kid stuff. We don't discuss anything else. So I think there was progress on that front. But the easier time is most likely because neither of us cares any more, and we do have a son to raise.

ex-asshat apologized, oh, I'm not even sure when... we were S but I'm not sure if we were D yet... the D took over three years, so I'm hazy on the timeframe. I do remember it was around Christmas, though. He dropped of Christmas presents for the bananas with me at work and called about 15 minutes later to apologize for everything. He really did sound remorseful.

Of course, he's still an asshat who walked away from his kids and hasn't paid CS in six years. As usual, he's all about words, not actions.

[This message edited by wildbananas at 5:13 PM, October 7th (Tuesday)]

My exWH didn't end up with OW. But I rmember my uncle divorced my aunt and he said, "SHIT! Out of the frying pan, into the fire." My aunt was so nice and he married the biggest bitch. The family couldn't stand his second wife.

We told his first wife what he said, and that seemed to make her happy.

Mine said sorry, he acknowledged hurting me, told me I was still his best friend and lied right to my face. He only admitted the parts I have evidence of and lies like a champ. I gave him the benefit of the doubt a lot, so I guess it worked for him. It took me a long time to realize while I was *a* best friend to him, still haven't fucked him over to this day, hwhat's the th not my friend and hasn't been in a long time. In fact he used those words to manipulate me. What's the point when they actively chose to hurt you for their own selfish reasons, they will never get it when they have not experienced the hurt. I see a some on here have true remorse, it helps me not lose faith in all people.

I haven't heard it yet--not genuinely or spontaneously.

He's not. Simple as that. First, he'd say he didn't leave, but that I made him leave. Secondly, he's only sorry for the increased difficulties in his own life.

About 2 years post divorce, I received a weird text out of the blue that said he was sorry for how he treated me during the affair and before the affair. Turns out he was going in for a risky surgical procedure and was clearing his conscience I guess. What the fuck ever. Not remorse. All about him. I don't need an apology - it won't change a thing.

For some, apologizing is relinquishing power. If you are like my ex, power is everything. If you are "better than" someone else...heck, everyone else, than you are THE MAN. To admit that you screwed up on such a colossal level is unfathomable. This isn't an "oops, I forgot to put out the trash on time" kind of mistake that is easy to apologize about. This is a huge admission of error, fault, and personal deficiency.

AAS, you may never get an apology. Frankly, if you ever do, I don't think it will give you the release that you hope you will feel.

For all I know, I did get an apology. I simply don't remember. So I guess that tells you how much it meant.

I guess for me, I'm only looking for an apology as a precursor to having a more civil co-parenting arrangement.

I'm slowly getting toward the place of not needing an apology for me.

All I really want is for her to start being more considerate and reasonable about the wishes of her children.

At this stage she has blocked all means of correspondence. No text, email or conversation. I can't even contact her to talk about homework or to tell her if I'm running late due to bad traffic.

She must really struggle having any contact with me whatsoever

[This message edited by allatsea at 6:53 AM, October 8th (Wednesday)]

Isn't that a violation of the court's orders? That she blocked all avenues of communication? What does your solicitor say?

allatsea Currently she has now lived with the Other Man long enough for the dew to be gone off the garden. She now realizes the grass is not greener. She can never tell you this because she hates you as in her mind you are the cause of her bad choices. you Said "She must really struggle having any contact with me whatsoever" Indeed she does, It's going to be a long War, My advice Dig In

[This message edited by Commanche1 at 4:48 PM, October 8th (Wednesday)]

Why do you think an apology is a precursor to a more civil and workable co-parenting relationship?

Cat

I didn't read replies, but there are 4 words my XWH never says..,

"I'm sorry" and "Thank you".

My ex has said he's sorry no less than 10,000 times since we split up. The problem is, he's never once said sorry for cheating, leaving and destroying me and the kids.

I don't think he'll ever be able to look at what he's done in the face. I think that's why he avoids me like the plague. He doesn't want to see the pain he's caused and, aside from the kids, I'm the biggest reminder. My IC says that I'm his emotional mirror and, because he's weak and narcissistic, he shuts down whenever I hold it up.

So, I apparently need to settle for the boatloads of useless and unnecessary times he says he's sorry - he's sorry for having to drop the kids off early; he's sorry that he handled the introduction of OW to the kids so badly; he's sorry he wasn't able to make the kids concerts or recitals; he's sorry it took him 30 minutes to text me back about the kids. Blah, blah, blah. On the rare occasion that I look at him, I see nothing but a giant pile of shame.

I too sometimes get really pissed off and hurt that I never got the apology that I deserved. I never even really got a hint of it. He walked out the door after 15 years and 2 little kids with barely a glance. By the time he left, I had become invisible. I think in his disordered pea brain that's where he would rather keep me.

"I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm not proud of what I've done."

Not proud? Was that an option?