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Generic

You said it. This is the nail in the coffin, but you cannot allow this to continue and it will if you do not go nuclear here. Calling and screaming at the OM probably made you feel good and relieved a little pain. But the problem remains your wife and there is absolutely no doubt that she is going to refuse to stop being involved with him and this time. And I hope you were are real dick as your wife would say and immediately notified this ass holes wife.

It is time to play real hardball and stop discussing anything with her except when she is getting her ass out of your space

You are now in control of you because she has just proven your marriage is over. Consider yourself a bit lucky that she was so blatant and careless that you caught this relatively quickly and she showed you who she really is and that you have not had to endure getting strung along and lied to for months on end.

Yes it is painful but the pain will start to end when you are rid of her. You need R and fixing things off the table

Like everyone has said play hardball.

Pack her shit in garbage bags and offer to drive her to his place but first tell his wife.

Sorry she did this she will regret it down the road.

The possible bipolar diagnosis sounds very plausible.

I then smashed the hell out of her phone on my monoblock.

Gently ^^^^THIS^^^^ was a bad move my friend. I completely understand your anger generic... but when you smashed the phone, you also smashed the evidence. No matter what happens from here on in, R, S, D... please don't do this again. Find another way to take out your anger and keep the evidence.

Also, I'll give you 100 to 1 odds that WW will now claim she was too drunk to know what she was doing when she texted with OM. When she gives you this lame bullshit excuse... give her crickets back!

Isn't it ironic that you get a phone call from OMW telling you OM & WW called it off... then the very next day the POS is wooing WW again!? There's something very strange going on here. Are you certain that this wasn't a threesome type of A? If not that, OM must be a master at feeding his BW loads of smelly bullshit and having her believe every word of it. Remember what we've all told you about not believing much of what you hear right now. I'd be extremely skeptical about *anything* OMW tells you from here on out.

This is the nail in the coffin

Not trying to be a jerk here generic, but I wish I had a nickle (5p) for every time I said that the first year of this shit storm. I'd have a hell of a lot of nickles. Only you will know when you've really had enough. However, I think it's too soon to make a big decision like that.

You may in fact be done but there's nothing set in stone that says you *have* to end it all now. You've just had a major shock. Some of us would equate it to being struck head on by a car or wounded by a firearm. People in shock normally do not make the greatest life decisions. Take some time to get yourself healthy... both physically and mentally. Do the 180 and concentrate on detaching. The more you do that, the stronger you'll become. You'll also find the clarity that comes from detaching amazing... as it allows you to step fully away from your current situation. You'll no longer have to make those hard life decisions with your emotions nipping away at your ass.

Stay strong G!

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/fog.asp

The WS fog describes all this shit perfectly.

She's refusing to leave house. I know of I leave I lose house. I work from here so not leaving

Glad your reading in the HL generic. Keep doing that as it will only help you understand this shit storm more.

DO NOT LEAVE your house! Many of us have made that mistake only to have it come back to haunt us. If anyone should leave it should be her. However, I wouldn't try and force her to leave. Don't know anything about D laws in your country but here in the US forcing a spouse to leave without a court order is bad news for D proceedings. I'd check with a solicitor a.s.a.p so you know what you can & can't do legally.

[This message edited by PanicAttack53 at 12:54 AM, November 21st (Friday)]

Just spoke to a divorce lawyer. £350 for a 1hr meeting to discuss options...FUUUUUUUUCK

Generic

So it appears she woke up and is totally defiant at what you found on phone and has not tried to tell you it was drunken mistake: Yes the fee for the solicitor or whatever you call it sucks, but you absolutely need legal advise, and you need it quickly.

While it may be true you are in shock and maybe it is tough to make decisions , in this case the decision has been made for you.she has betrayed you multiple times and has not intention of stopping and until you divorce her you probably cannot force her to leave. That leaves you in the hell of having to not only take care of your kids, go to work, and then watch her carry on with OM, which with her attitude she probably will not even try to hide. If you read how that feels , you will see in house separation can be living hell.

I don't buy the thought that OM wife is in on this little deal or she would not be cooperating you with it at all. If she knows now about the texts from last night and is tolerating it then for her own reasons she will live with her choices. And if she is throwing him out or in process of taking legal action then he will be available for your wife and there is no chance at changing this. You can read all you want about this so called fog shit, but if she was a drug addict you would not get advice toilet her keep taking drugs so in my opinion this crap and giving her time to miss and grieve for OM is utter bull shit and the best way to get her out of fog is knock her out of it with consequences. There is no remorse her at all and there will be no R without a serious dose of it.

What you should do now is close all of your joint bank accounts, take 50% of the assets and leave the rest so that on top of everything else she cannot financially clean you out. Cancel all the credit cards and open again in your name . She can either get her own or let OM get her one. In other words, you cannot force her out right now but you are under no obligation to make things comfortable for her.

Since you posted your wife has not done one thing to indicate she had any real interest in saving your marriage.At this point you must accept that and protect yourself and your kids.

I would keep posting here for support. Your situation is hard but not unique and just from what I have read since I got on here there are people out there who have walked in your shoes and can help you.

It might be the best 350 pounds you ever spend....

Generic, have you tried a search engine for a local family lawyer who offers a free half or one hour consultation?

I'm in England and that's what I did back in July. I spent 50 minutes with a partner in the firm I went to, at no cost, although when I start proceedings it will be £225 an hour for his time and £195 for his associate.

The information and advice I received was very useful and an added bonus is that now they have opened a file my WH can't retain their services and they have a ferocious reputation ! !

Definitely shop around but I agree, it may be money well spent. Good Luck !

it sounds to me that she is mixing up love and excitment.

That's it brother. She wanted an escape, and her husband and two children, including a special needs child, represented just the opposite.

It's not your fault. She became selfish and immature. There are many of us who can relate. Come visit us on the Betrayed Men thread (I Can Relate Forum) when you find the time.

Sorry you are here. Stay strong. Regardless of what happens to the marriage, you will get through this.

I got some free advice, learnt that if I leave I could put at risk child custody. Also about what assets are split and how maintenance is decided. Saved 300 too. Need to agree stuff with wife before moving for separation order (needed for divorce). If we can't agree on money and kids then there are options with varying costs.

She asked if I was out tonight, I suggested we find time to discuss money, custody etc to begin formal separation. Not sure if I'm making a rash decision but her attitude has left me thinking we just don't have a future.

[This message edited by generic at 7:20 AM, November 21st (Friday)]

Keep a VAR on you at all times. Since neither of you will leave the home you need to have some protection against the possibility of false allegations. We've seen it happen to other BS before. Start journaling what happens, her behavior (e.g. when she comes home drunk).

The one nightmare that might be haunting you soon is the cake-eating scenario. You wife stays at home in a separate bedroom and regularly goes off the spend a few hours with lover boy, while you look after the kids. This can continue for years.

She won't divorce and you probably can't afford it anyway; living in a crummy apartment with CS and alimony. Then OM moves into your home....

If your state divorce laws demand you separate before filing then you have a dilemma. Your WW will be very happy to have a lover, an active sex life and her marriage, while you will be miserable and emotionally lonely. Start thinking now about how to avoid this fate.

I'm in Scotland, law here prefers a clean break and is aimed at splitting everything, get separate places, sort child residence. Finally divorce.

Document everything, get copies of texts and emails, photos. everything.

Passwords for everything are changed. All cookies etc deleted. She went straight out and bought a new phone too.

I'm finding myself upset again. She's not home and I just keep crying.still find it difficult to take in.

What you should do now is close all of your joint bank accounts, take 50% of the assets and leave the rest so that on top of everything else she cannot financially clean you out. Cancel all the credit cards and open again in your name . She can either get her own or let OM get her one. In other words, you cannot force her out right now but you are under no obligation to make things comfortable for her.

Good advice.

Find a lawyer! Do this, then tell your wife, not before.

Passwords for everything are changed. All cookies etc deleted. She went straight out and bought a new phone too.

I'm finding myself upset again. She's not home and I just keep crying.still find it difficult to take in.

How is that showing she wants to R?

Have you told her she is the one that wants to R and is doing everything wrong a person could do.

Why is she not at home, where is she?