SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Background: WW had EA 3 years ago, another EA 1.5 years ago and an EA/PA last month. I'm 29 with no kids.

After much resistance and crying, my WW officially moved out to her own apartment. However, she calls and texts me every day professing her love, begging me to take her back, detailing how she'll be the best wife in history, the counseling she plans to do, all the reasons she'll NEVER do this again (especially having gotten to the point of having to move out and me filing for divorce), etc.

The divorce was filed on December 23rd and I'm now in the 3 month waiting period. I'm doing "okay," and holding strong to my conviction that leaving her is the "right" thing to do for my future regardless of my heart longing to be near her.

Have any of you experienced a similar situation where your spouse is absolutely DEVASTATED to lose you and, even though it breaks your heart to see them so distraught and you still have feelings for them, you know you have to do what's right for you and your future?

Yes. And then he cheated again....and again. I divorced him. Now he is an asswhole every chance he can be to me.

If she wants to make herself a better person, she can still do that through the D and regardless of whether you R with her.

Dude, carry on. She's saying she PLANS to do counseling, but is she there NOW? Keep on your D path.

Take a look at your screen name.

Now take a look at my signature and profile.

Unless they have actually put in serious work (not SAYING they PLAN to do X, Y, or Z) you are setting yourself up for another fall.

Run.

I'm hearing nothing like what you've described directly, but (all of a sudden) I think I'm being sounded out by a few friends who are dropping hints about how sad and upset and so forth STBXWW is these days. They seem quite surprised when I don't make much of a response.

To be honest, I think what I'm hearing is a crock of shit. It's either hoovering by proxy or a tactical play to put me in position where the SA gets torn up and we're back to her looking for more than she's got right now. I'm also thinking that stuff is blowing up in her world, and that she's beginning to realize that this isn't quite the win that she thinks it is.

I'm on full lockdown here. No contact unless it's something to do with the date of something being filed or the like. Other than that, nothing. I'm sure that confuses the crap out of her because I've never been uncontactable before.

If by some chance there has been a genuine change of heart and now she 'gets it' all of a sudden, then she has a bloody funny way of making that known to me. But then, mixed messages and crappy communication were something at which she excelled, and it really doesn't help that she has herself backed into a corner.

I'm going through with the D. That's all there is to it.

She's full of shit. (sorry to be so blunt )

What you described is classic Hoovering behavior. I have lots and lots of personal experience with this type of nonsense.

(I think I have a link that offers a very good description of Hoovering -- I'll try to find it and will edit it into this post if I do.)

In a nutshell:

Hoovering = WS makes a lot of *promises* which include "I'll...."-type language.

Real Remorse = WS respects any boundaries you have in place and takes concrete actions (with or without telling you).

A caution -- with your WW's history and such a *new* Dday, don't be surprised if you find out that she is in contact with OM (or even someone new) while at the same time professing all of this "love for" and "devastation over losing" you.

edited to add the Hoovering thread:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=480828

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 1:57 PM, January 26th (Monday)]

What she says means nothing, what she does means everything, has she done anything over than talk? that is the question.

I may be jaded, but she's hovering and full of crap. Mine still begs for me back, swore in oct hed changed and would do anything to prove it to me and be the man I deserved, 3 mos later and still all talk, no actions, and broke NC AGAIN 2 wks ago. If she was being truthful, she'd be in therapy already and be proving it, not saying it

Yes, my exWW did the same thing. I took her back. But she quit the "work" a few months in. Looking back, I would have plainly told her, "do the work and we'll see. But for now, my time is better spent elsewhere and with people who don't screw other people in their marriage bed."

It would have called out her bullshit had I done that.

Maybe your wife is deeply remorseful, and maybe she WILL do the work. Just do what is best for you.

I should add that my WH#2 was very "remorseful" and "ready to do the work" too.

That lasted for less than a month before he completely gave up.

Actions. Not words.

Hey Everyone,

Thanks so much for the amazing insight and advice. I absolutely agree with everything you said. Also, thank you for sharing your stories of what you went through.

She's just so good at "sucking me in" and the prospect of leaving a woman who is "madly in love with me" for a life with an unknown time of solitude is so daunting.

It's just so unfair. She gets to break my heart by sleeping with my "friend" and then she gets to break my heart all over again by forcing me to leave a woman who is begging to stay with me. I sometimes think life would be easier if she had ridden off into the sunset with the OM rather than forcing me to go through this.

I am in a similar place. My WH says he will do anything. Just sent me a texting hour ago saying it again. The problem is I don't believe him. Too many years of promises and talk with no follow through. Even since Dday a month ago he has said many things but hasn't shown a single action.

It could be, for me, I just simply don't want it back. The A was my last straw.

Good luck to you but whatever you decide you need to do it for you not for them.

Watch thier actions. Ignore the words.

It would be nothing but false R and she would not do her part. She will say she will, they all do, but actually doing it is another thing all together. I spent the last 3 years doing false R with STBXWH#2. He cheated the whole time and the 2 years befote I found out. He thought that as long as he could hoover me back in, then he was free to cheat again. It was crazy making.

You are young with so much life ahead of you. Just be thankful you don't have children together. She needs some serious help, but you can't help her. That will take years even if she does start getting help for what is broken inside her. They will come running back as long as you let them. Hopefully you have seen enough to make the decision that is best for YOU.

Well, I THOUGHT she was devastated several times. It was quite an act as it turned out. Then A few months from divorce she hoovered one more time: crying, I miss you, do you still miss me/Love me, etc. I listened calmly, did not commit to anything, hung up and proceeded to observe her actions, which were as follows: she promptly moved in with her AP and resumed her nastiness.

Take whatever lessons you'd like. I recommend you be extremely skeptical.

HMT: One would assume you were devastated upon living D-Day 1. One would assume you were even more devastated upon living D-Day 2. D-Day 3, well, that surely couldn't have been nice, either. She saw what D-Day 1 did to you but she cheated again. She saw what D-Day 2 did to you but she cheated yet another time. And she saw what D-Day 3 did to you and has done nothing to change anything except to beg you to take her back when confronted with the D. So, what makes you believe there won't be a D-Day 4 should you be Hoovered in yet another time? Personally, I wouldn't take that risk. You are young, you have plenty of time to begin anew with someone worthy. If I were in your shoes, I would RUN like h#*l.

(((HMT)))

Be so thankful that you don't have kids together. Once the divorce is final and finances are figured out, you can go true NC with her and heal like crazy.

I was near suicidal at D-Day and after. I loved my WXH so much, he wanted to R, and I wasn't sure if I was making the right decision.

We also don't have kids, so I could go true NC. And life is so amazing now! I never would have believed it three years ago.

You'll get there, too. Can you block her? NC is so essential to your healing. You need to take care of you and start putting yourself first!!!

Get the D and watch her actions . Do not hsve sex w her- here is why.... Lets say she gets pregnant and you have a little boy. Lets say 3 years down the road she cheats ( you know she will because she is broken ) . Then, even if u get custody , your child will be with her and some idiot guy who is a cheater!!! What will they teach him? Well, read on the betrayed men thread and you will see great Dads who are going thru hell because the OM and their xw tell the little kids all kind of lies. What happens if OM is a pervert? What if your future kids don't want to be around him and cry when they have to go live around your crazy xw and her flavor of the month???

Plz run. Heal. Then look for someone real. This woman will not change .

For the record: the OW in my situation cheated on her first h with his boss/ friend. He lost it. He killed the other man , then killed himself. He had a 1 year old daughter and his wife was d him for his boss!!!! See? She couldn't stop cheating for even a year!!!!! Then, this bitch remarries, has a son. Ok, we don't know about the first situation , she gets us all to be friends. Then she goes after my husband-- 10 years older than her. Ok, so she and my h split up all if our families--just what she did 12 years earlier ! Her h could have lost it like the first one did- she knew it was a possibility , but . She. doesn't . care. It's all about what she wants at that moment in time....

Plz run. There are so many real women out there . This is not a person you can believe in.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 11:34 PM, January 26th (Monday)]

Bro.

I'm in the same boat as you, except I'm 6 years older than you. We're both young, and we both have STBXWWs begging us to take them back.

After multiple D-days like you, I am 100% resolved to go through with the D. And you should be too.

Stay strong.

"madly in love with me" for a life with an unknown time of solitude is so daunting.

If she was really madly in love with you, she wouldn't have cheated three times, asked for a D and only come back when the OM didn't want her because he had another gf.

You're too young for her nonsense. No kids to consider either, so continue on your path towards D.

There are plenty single loyal women out there.