SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I hate even being here but -- then again -- I don't think anyone is happy being here.

Two weeks ago I played a late-night hockey game. Before I went into the rink, I had texted my wife and asked her to place a blanket and pillow in the spare bedroom so I wouldn't go to bed stinky or get a shower and wake her up.

When the game was over I checked my phone to see if she replied. Nothing was there.

When I came home I took all my equipment out to dry, got a drink of water, then went over to our iPad to check her messages to see if she had received mine. It was there but, just as I was turning my head, the word "nipple" caught my eye. I did a double take and saw the initials of our neighbor -- my friend -- next to it. Scrolling though the messages, I read very graphic sexting between the two. I was shattered and confronted her immediately.

I could go into a lot of detail, but I don't want to ramble. In a nutshell, she accepted 100% of the blame and said she only did it because she is getting older and the attention made her feel attractive. She said it never became physical. I believe her for a couple reasons I won't get into here, but I sincerely believe it could have become physical if I didn't catch it when I did.

Since then I've been on a roller coaster. Some days I love her and want to put this all behind us. Other days (like today) I feel like I am alone in a rowboat in the middle of an ocean. She and I had a special bond -- we were both cheated on in the past, and neither of us ever cheated. Now I stand alone.

I run through all the feelings and questions you all have on this forum. I want so badly to love her like I did before and to forgive her, but how do I know this won't happen again? She told me and our MC that I couldn't be a better husband and father, so -- if that is the case -- what more can I do if everything I've already done wasn't enough to keep her from cheating?

I also want to believe her, but how does one believe someone who just lied for five months about an EA?

Exacerbating this matter is the fact that my mother, father, and unborn little sister were killed by a drunk driver when I was two. I was in the accident, too, but my mom sacrificed herself and my sister to save me. All I need to do to explain what it's like to be me is to ask you to watch "Good Will Hunting." Sans the super-genius persona, that's me. I have SEVERE abandonment issues that I have been battling all my life. My wife was supposed to be my best friend for ever and give me a true home and security, So this is killing me.

Sorry if this has been really long. As I said, there is much more. I just wanted to express some of the major points with you all in hopes that someone has been through something similar. I know PAs are worse, but this EA still shattered my heart.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Thanks.

I am so sorry you have joined us at SI. These are a great bunch of people and we will support you through this.....and you do go through it, you don't get over it. it takes that dreaded word "time".

You will be on a roller coaster of emotions in the coming months, ups and downs are so normal.

First you have to get over the shock of it all. Secondly, drink fluids (alcohol not recommended), eat and take care of yourself.

Others will be along, (if not today, due to the Super Bowl), but soon to give you much better advice than I can. Hang in there.

[This message edited by momentintime at 12:15 AM, February 2nd (Monday)]

Fullgoose,

as you said no one wanted or wished to be here, but let me tell you brother, be glad that you found this place! This is a place I am glad I found and dont know what I would do without it.

You will get many responses here, some you may not want to hear but just realize that its for your own good and that all opinions are coming from everyones experience! EA or PA, we know the hurt!

First thing is that you need to take care of yourself. Top left corner in yellow, read the healing library. Make sure you rest, eat, drink water and know that the rush of emotions and feelings is all normal! Realize and also know that THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!

Keep posting and sharing, more will come and ask questions as well. All will be to try to give you advise as best as they can, again, due to the experience!!!

Stay strong and keep posting here, you are in a good place and we are here for you.

Also,

What has occurred since finding out?? Has she stopped texting him? How long have you two been married? Has she agreed to NC (no contact). Him being your neighbor makes is very hard, but did you confront him also?? Is he married?? These are all questions that some will want to know to help guide you.

Thanks for both your replies. They are appreciated.

EEJJ... Since I found out she has had zero contact with him. She didn't like him before (in her words he was "an asshole") and this is the typical "cheating down" (if I got that right). He tried pinning it on her, which I found was untrue by reading the texts, so she is furious at him.

He is NOT in my league, and she said that she thinks that is one of the reasons she did it. She looks up to me and down on him, so it was a bump to her already low self-esteem.

We have been married eight years and together for twelve. It's been a tough battle because of her low self-esteem, lack of coping skills, and a defiant/rebellious attitude. But there is no denying the bond we have.

I did contact his wife minutes after finding out by texting "We need to talk." She has been in contact many times with me, but she seemingly is buying his lies, because she doesn't want to see the texts anymore.

Funny thing is that he contacted me about five hours after I found out and asked me for hockey tickets! My response was "You've go to be fucking kidding me." When he answered "Huh?", I replied with "Don't play stupid." With that he broke into this long "I'm so sorry" spiel. When I asked if his wife knew, he texted back about ten minutes later saying he told her everything that that my wife or I are not to contact them or it will be considered harassment. His wife called me ten minutes later asking for details.

They are both pieces of work. I am not absolving my wife by any means, but they both signed a NC letter I received Friday threatening legal action and saying that I cannot have contact with their pets (no lie)! I haven't initiated contact with them at all, other than the initial "we need to talk" text. It's all been them.

And my wife is so distraught that her IC sent her to the local psychiatric hospital. Him? He bought a new truck.

Couple other tidbits people may be curious about:

1. Our sex life has always been great. Since the discovery, it has been otherworldly. Definitely "hysterical bonding." That took a while, but she seems so close to me right now. Could be a good thing, but I still feel that emptiness/aloneness.

2. We have two kids: 6 and 4. I love them both with all my heart and want nothing but the best for them. My wife, despite this affair, is an excellent mother. In the words of my IC: "Sometimes one slip-up doesn't define a person."

Welcome to SI. I'm sorry for what brought you here but I'm glad you found us.

While this situation can definitely be worthy of consideration for Reconciliation... I wouldn't let her choices fall into the "slip-up" category. Repeated and deliberate actions warrant more scrutiny.

Jrazz...

Thank you.

And believe me when I say that it certainly doesn't feel like a slip-up!

The problem right now is that it is so new and so raw that I am not able to figure out why it happened to begin with. As I mentioned, I showed her attention/affection and gave her everything she ever wanted. That is what is so confusing.

fullgoose,

totally understand the confusion part! Believe me, I say it all the time here, Its just unbelievable!

You will definitely be on a roller coaster as momentintime mentioned. Again I will say, read the healing library!

One thing you see and read here a lot is, Do not go by their words you go by their actions!! Your WW(Wayward wife) actions will help you on your thinking.

And believe me when I say that it certainly doesn't feel like a slip-up!

^^^^ What makes you think this??

The problem right now is that it is so new and so raw that I am not able to figure out why it happened to begin with. As I mentioned, I showed her attention/affection and gave her everything she ever wanted. That is what is so confusing.

^^^^ Brother, I know what you mean here. Believe me we all do, but remember and make this one of the first priorities to yourself in this, and that is to remember that THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! No matter what the issues, if any you had in your M (marriage) This is not your fault and there is no excuse for her to do what she did!!

As for your neighbors, you let his wife know or whatever, thats fine...she is aware and they have been put on notice!! Dont worry about them, worry about you now! Its all about you and the kids! So you have started IC? Individually or together?

Whereas the "why" is important in terms of her own healing and figuring out how she did this (and how never to do it again), you will experience a paradigm shift in your own healing when you realize that you have to let go of the why and accept that it happened.

That's for 8 months to 2 years from now.

For NOW - just breathe. It's a rollercoaster of emotion. You don't have to make any big decisions. You don't have to have any answers. Taking care of yourself and the kiddos is priority #1.

(((fullgoosebozo)))

Fullgoose,

I hate to be the first one to point this out, but I think you need to investigate further if you want this to be a true reconciliation and not a rug sweep.

A 5 months sexting relationship with someone who live next door and it never became physical? That's 150 days of a man and a woman telling each other they want to have sex with each other, with no distance issue to prevent them for doing what they want. I find it hard to believe, frankly.

You said you have your reasons to believe this, but they must really be pretty GOOD reasons. Sexting relationships are either just a game, but you said that you believe it would have gone to PA sooner or later so this is not the case, or remain just that because of the physical difficulty to make them become more. And it wasn't the case here.

I know some people would say that what you don't know can't hurt you, but I believe that a true reconciliation can only happen when you know exactly what you are forgiving, so, if I were you, I would look deeper into this.

Hey FGB: you're getting some great advice so I won't pile on too much, just want to echo the fact that there's a lot you're going to experience and learn over the coming weeks and months so take care of yourself and your kids. You'll get through it but it's going to be a tough ride.

From one hockey player to another, you'll get through this. And keep playing hockey. It's the one thing (besides SI) that kept me sane while my world was falling apart.

In relation to the just sexting/PA topic I brought up above, I just noticed something about the DDay night:

- She didn't reply to your message. Did she follow your instruction and just forgot to acknowledge it to you, or nothing was done about what you asked, as if she didn't see the message at all?

- She was supposed to have a hot sexting relationship going on, so, with you out of the house for the evening, she should have been texting all of the time. If that's the case she would have seen your message.

- If you were doing something naughty and wanted to avoid getting caught, would you deliberately ignore your spouse's message?

I wouldn't, and the fact that she did makes me think she didn't see it at all, and that would make me ask myself what was she doing.

I would tend to agree with italianjob, 5 months is a long time in the EA/PA world, especially when the AP is in close proximity. That is from my personal experience, which I wish I didn't have.

Don't rush into believeing all the information you have been given. In order to R, you need to have all the facts, can't rebuild on lies or omissions. You wife needs to understand this, from my experience that understanding is difficult to come to. WS's, like many say, follow a typical script. They try cover up, they then TT what they feel it safe or enough to put out there. It is in their minds a level of self preservation, they don't see that typically the truth comes out and does far more damage than had they been honest in the beginning.

Think back, hindsight is shockingly good in these events. If you recall any suspicious behavior, confront her with it now. Like I said, you need to know what you have to forgive in order to be able to forgive.

We are just cautioning you against taking everything to be as she says it is. It doesn't mean there is more and I really hope there isn't more, but rather be confident in what you know to be true, it will help you both in R.

Hi. I'm so sorry for your loss of your family, and sorry for the current situation.

I strongly urge you to get your wife into individual therapy immediately! She must deal with the issues she has. Also, you should go with her for the first time to explain about the cheating etc., so she won't be able to minimise that to the IC.

Furthermore, I'd recommend you demand your wife takes a polygraph, to determine whether there really was no physical contact, if this was the first time etc.

I'd recommend you ALONE google "No more mr. nice guy pdf" and read the book. It's a great book and it's available online for free.

I'd also recommend you both read "5 languages of love"; "His needs, her needs", "Surviving an affair" and "Not just friends". It will help you learn about healthy and toxic relationships, proper boundaries with other people, how to sustain happiness etc.

If possible, after she will have done a couple of sessions of IC, you go to MC together. And then continue with your own IC, her with her own IC, and you both with MC.

Best wishes

Welcome brother, sorry you find yourself here. I'm with italianjob on this one. From my own personal experience and from what I've learned in the many years posting here is that you rarely if ever get the full truth at first. Its very common for a WS to minimize what has happened to the point of omitting very many major components of the A, especially the sexual parts. The way its normally goes is they will admit to what you can prove, in your case you have proof of sexting and that's all she is admitting to. Think about this logically for a few minutes, they had motive and opportunity, they also has plenty of unexplained time away such as the night you busted her. All indicators point to a PA here and I would not discount this if I were you. I know you really want to believe your WW when she tells you that it was only an EA, but lets face it her credibility is shot, she has proven to be deceitful and a known liar. You cant take her or the OM word on anything. There was a suggestion from another member of a possible polygraph and I would second that suggestion. Chances are it wont even get to that point as usually just the threat of one motivates them to come clean.

When dealing with infidelity its imperative to assume the absolute worst case scenario and plan for it because when all is said and done that's usually what actually happened. Now is not the time to pull back and begin to drink the Kool Aid that your WW and OM are serving up, there is much more to this story then you know. I suggest you follow through here and get the big picture before you attempt any course of action or make any decisions from here on in. Its always best to have as much information as possible when making life altering decisions, and I'm sorry to I feel you have less then 50% of what has gone on. Dig deep and press hard my friend, your answers are out there you just have to find them.

she only did it because she is getting older and the attention made her feel attractive.

This is not why she cheated. It's a surface reason. She needs to figure out why she really did it.

But, let's say this is her reason..she is going to continue to feel older and she has admitted she needs validation from other men. What is she doing to work on herself? Just saying "Im not cheating anymore" isn't even close to enough.

Im curious as to why you think it never became physical. Your WW is an adult, as is the OM. They were texting dirty things, talking about doing sexual things with each other.

Almost always, when distance isn't a factor, these things are physical. There are many,many BS's who post here thinking it was an EA or sexting, and find out later it was physical.

I would insist on a polygraph. If it wasn't physical, she will jump to prove it.

In the meantime..what is she doing to show you she wants to R? Is she completely transparent? Do you have full access to all of her accounts..cell..email..Facebook..bank..etc? Is she answering all of your questions?

It takes 3-5 years to heal from this shit..and that doesn't start until you have the truth. Ad you don't. Cheaters are liars. It's a fact.

He tried pinning it on her, which I found was untrue by reading the texts, so she is furious at him.

I find this odd. You say she takes complete responsibility..yet she is angry with OM because he said she initiated this affair. And anger is a mask for other emotions. It sounds like she is hurt..so she is more invested in this affair than sexting.

Im sorry..but I think you only have the tip of the iceberg here.

Full goose

Very sorry for your family situation and for you having to be here. I guess we must assume that if you have read texts going back five months they surely would have written it if they actually had met and had sex in person. Seems like something would have mentioned that . So is that why you are so sure nothing else happened, because as you have been told living next door or that close would have given them a lot of opportunity . As bad as this is , you do not want to go through a false R and another DDay. It does not get easier the second time.

I think you should tell your wife she has a "hall pass" one time to tell you if there is any more you need to know and explain to her the consequences if you find out later on that she is lying to you. It is a big red flag that on a night she knew you were out for the night she did not answer your texts , which I think is the reason you checked her I Pad.

I would not be too reassured that she "affaired down " with some guy who you consider a loser. She was interested enough to want to see his dick so be careful on that one.

Seems like she is doing the right thing , but your proximity to this OM and his wife's casual acceptance of his bull shit still leave you in a position where it is going to take a while or more than a while to get over this. Five months is not just an"little" problem, and in answer to your other question you need to accept that whether this was just an EA or PA your old marriage is dead and you have to build a new one. That means your wife understanding the affair is 100%!on her and she needs to earn back your trust and love.

Thanks everyone.

I might not touch on a lot of valid points, but the overall impression I get is that I am coming across as not digging enough. I have dug and dug and dug. I've purchased programs which reconstruct deleted texts and even my backups. I've asked her hard questions. At first I caught her lying about a few things that she felt would hurt me and would force me away. Then, like nononsense recommended, I gave her an "amnesty period" (I learned that in the Marines) where she could say anything without my holding it against her. I explained how I couldn't move forward while always wondering what was going to surprise me down the road.

So she started opening up. She back-tracked on a lot of things she said, and when she saw that I would become upset, but then calm down, she felt more comfortable telling me the truth.

The problem we all face -- and I know this -- is that "What if" question. If I gave her the benefit of the doubt, and she is actually telling me the truth about everything, then I'll be caught in limbo: My trust is blown, so I will always think there is more, but if there isn't, my trust is blown... repeat.

I told her the first week that our R is fully dependent on a polygraph. If she failed ANY of the questions, we would drive right to my attorney for an uncontested D. Now I am in charge of a police department and have access to some fine polygraph professionals, but my chief warned against it. He is also a chaplain and -- with police and their spouses' infidelity rates -- said that polygraphs often damage any hope of recovery. If the WS fails the polygraph, then it is easy. But what if they pass it?

I understand both sides of the argument, but just wanted to throw that out there.

Now the other big topic I've read in the replies is how I am so sure that there was not a PA. The short answer: I am not. The main reason she gives and which really gives me pause? I am not willing to state specifics on this forum, but please believe me when I say it is compelling. My wife was physically damaged by an abusive ex (who also cheated on her), and it took ME over a week of solid wooing to even get her to date me because of it way back when.

She COULD HAVE had a PA, but if she did I seriously think she would have killed herself by now because the neighbors and everyone would know.

I'm so sorry you had to join us.

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife

As this quote says, there's no such thing as a "slip up". Your WW made a deliberarte choice to do what she did.

The worst part of this whole mess is that the trust you had in her is gone. It may come back but it will never be the same as it was before.