SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I read Maia's post and it's so inspiring! I've been reading on how to stop this A but don't seem like I'm able to apply non of that in my life. I'm still so connected to him! What do I do with my feelings and desires? This is just sucking the life out of me slowly. I realize all the facts but I have hard time applying them in my life.

You have got to go cold turkey. No contact. Block him from everything. And if your spouse don't know tell him before someone else does.

Your connection to him is a mirage. You are deceiving yourself.

If you think the OM is who you should be with, tell your BS now and leave her.

If that thought gives you shudders, check yourself. Stop the self-deception.

You need to tell your spouse now. Lost is right - before someone else does.

YOu put yourself on this road. It is a long and hard road. You will regret it forever. But if you truly love your spouse, do it for her. She doesn't deserve this.

There is redemption in this life. But redemption is an act, one that needs to be chosen.

I'm glad you reached our Marialena. You're looking for help. You know what's right. Some day you will tell your husband that "I wanted to stop, really I did!" but by then it will be too late. You need to be strong enough to do it now.

Do you have children? Sometimes it helps to think about what you're doing to them, how your actions are compromising their lives, their family. And how will this affect their respect for you?

I failed at NC (no contact) many times too. I knew what I should do, but I didn't want to do it. Until you really want it, then it will be extremely difficult to stop. I got to the point where I had to stop, so I told AP if he really loved me, he'd go away and stay away for good, even if I contacted him. Then I gave myself accountability with an IC (independent conselor) where weekly she would talk me through my pain. Many times my pain was of loneliness, emptiness from lack of physical touch and thrills, not actually missing love. I read story after story on this site on the Just Found Out forum and soaked in the pain of those Betrayed Spouses. It kept me from contacting AP. Then the fog began to clear and I saw I was holding on to something that was so much smaller than I had made it. My AP was still with his wife, not banging down my door for me to change my mind and leave my husband. We were nothing more than 2 lonely people after easy attention and sex. Not the love affair of the century. That realization hurt, but also helped me heal.

If you are still in an A after 2 years, it's never going to progress to anything more. You are

being used, and likely using him. Get a professional to talk to. Start being a person you'd be proud of. Living good really is better than what you're doing now. Trust me, I've seen both sides. Give it 6 months and you'll look back on this version of you with horror and disgust.

Read this, it will help http://www.goasksuzie.com/how-to-end-the-affair

Thanks to all of you from the bottom of my heart! I truly need you guys and need your inspiration. I've been in NC for less than a week now and it's driving me crazy! I need him so much, today I couldnt get off my bed from the pain that I'm in. I have a good husband and two children, my husband knows about the OM presence in my life but don't know how far I went in this. Two years I gave lots and lots of my emotions to the OM , he works with me but now he found a better job apportunity, he wants us to stay together but I don't know if I can take this pain of not being with him anymore so I told him after our last night together to end it. I'm internally dying but I keep bargaining about having him in my life than not having him at all. I can't break my family to be with him beside Im pretty sure he is not willing to start another permimant relationships it's me. The problem is every time my husband is trying to get closer to me I feel like he is a heavy weight on my chest and I can't accept his closeness. I don't hate my husband, he is a better person than I'm. I'm completely unhappy, unable to enjoy my life. I have no close friends to talk to, please keep me in your prayers and advice me how to let go

Take it from me. I had an A with a coworker and now have to suffer through watching him have a new A with another young woman. Each and every day, I have to watch them behave in exactly the same way we behaved once upon a time.

Think about having to go through something similar. I know it seems now he could never drop you and then take up with yet another AP, but it can and does happen. Thinking about how you will feel if this comes to pass, I hope will give you the strength to walk away from this mess. Nothing good will come of it, period.

Marialena,

Gently,

I couldnt get off my bed from the pain that I'm in.

You have no idea what real pain is yet. What you feel now is simply your brain agonising over the lack of dopamine its been used to getting from your AP. Nothing more. You MUST come clean. Your 'pain' will ease with time but only once you take this step.

I can't break my family to be with him

Im sorry, but you have already broken your family. You did that the second you made the choice to be unfaithful. That ship has sailed. Either you tell him, or he will find out himself. And the BEST chance you have of EVER getting the trust back that you have destroyed here, is to be the one that comes forward. If you dont, he will ALWAYS question how long you would have cheated and with hiw many people as he will have no way of knowing for sure if your remorse is real.

If you tell him, you have a chance.

Every single day you keep this a secret, every time you hold your husbands hand, say a nice thing, have a hug, make love, share a nice moment, go out together, play with your children, have a birthday, easter, christmas - ANY TIME you make ANY MEMORIES at all - every single one of them is going to become a detail in a nightmare that he will never wake up from. He will questiom EVERYTHING. Ask questions about times you had together when you may have seen or spoken to your AP. Nothing will be special sacred, nothing will be remembered fondly and EVERY TIME he remembers one of those moments, he will trigger and the pain will all come flooding back.

How many more of those moments are you prepared to make?

Thanks to all of you from the bottom of my heart! I truly need you guys and need your inspiration.

Glad you made it here.

I've been in NC for less than a week now and it's driving me crazy! I need him so much, today I couldnt get off my bed from the pain that I'm in.

Welcome to withdrawal. Your body is craving the endorphins high that you have been getting from the AP.

I have a good husband and two children, my husband knows about the OM presence in my life but don't know how far I went in this.

You planning on letting him in on the secret?

Two years I gave lots and lots of my emotions to the OM , he works with me but now he found a better job apportunity, he wants us to stay together but I don't know if I can take this pain of not being with him anymore so I told him after our last night together to end it.

For two years you both lied to each other. Telling each other what you wanted to hear. You both were emotional leeches.

Question: Is he married?

I'm internally dying but I keep bargaining about having him in my life than not having him at all. I can't break my family to be with him beside Im pretty sure he is not willing to start another permimant relationships it's me.

Gently.... so this guy will screw you, but doesn't want something permanent, but then wants to keep it going.

You are a side piece of ass. Get this through your head, he isn't willing to do anything permanent which means he is happy to play the game with you and screw another man's wife, but he isn't willing to make commitments. If he is married then what he is doing is using for his jollies, and then gets to go home to his wife who has no clue how many women beside you he is fucking.

Rule #1: All affair partners lie. You lie to him, he lies to you, your relationship is built on lies, sex, fantasy.

I wouldn't be surprised if you aren't the only one that he has on the site.

The problem is every time my husband is trying to get closer to me I feel like he is a heavy weight on my chest and I can't accept his closeness.

Gently, LOVE IS A CHOICE. After the endorphins high is gone you have the real world to deal with. Something you DIDN"T have to deal with your AP. Things like sick kids, bills, car payments, mortgages, non-functioning sump pumps, cats puking, dogs dumping on the rugs, leaky faucets....

Get the picture yet?

Love is dealing with all of these things, it isn't going off and screwing each other in a fantasy bubble.

I don't hate my husband, he is a better person than I'm. I'm completely unhappy, unable to enjoy my life. I have no close friends to talk to, please keep me in your prayers and advice me how to let go

How to let go:

1) Realize that the relationship with AP is built on lies and is a total fantasy

2) Look at your husband with new eyes and look for the man that you fell in love with.

3) Write out a timeline, gather all the evidence, put it together, and confess it to him.

3A) Confess everything, all of it. Do not minimize it.

A) Do not say you had sex 1 time when you had sex 10 times, your husband will find out because this stuff has a way of not being secret.

B) Do not hold back because you think you will hurt your BS, frankly you already hurt him, holding back info will hurt him again when he finds out about it.

C) There is something called trickle truth. This is where the truth comes out in dribs and drabs, it prolongs the torture and then your BS will wonder what else you are hiding.

4) Have your Husband inform OM's wife / girlfriend (this will end it.. )

5) Get the book "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" read it and implement it.

6) Get the book "Not Just Friends" and read up on boundaries and how to implement them.

7) Get into IC and start fixing yourself, and figure out WHY you did this. And the surface bullshit about not being happy is not the Why. These issues are deeper, and it take some major digging.

Finally we may seem rough around here, but many of us screwed around to the point that we almost lost our marriages because we didn't do the right things.

Look we don't know you, but we have been in your shoes. Affair situations are not all that unique. There is a lot of been there done that involved where those of us on this forum have done the exact same thing you have. The only difference is the names changed.

Going into second week of NC! Although it's not a complete NC, he texted me for valentine and he left pack of chocolate in my locker at work. I cry a lot, every day passes brings us closer to the end, sometimes I'm ok and other times I feel like I'm loosing my mind. I told my husband! I didn't tell him though that we had sex. My husband is not asking if we did, I think he is scared of the answer. My husband still loves me and he wants me. As I'm writing this I could tell how selfish I sound like. Is this internal pain is ever going to go away? Is this truly only body chemistry? how is it that being with him feels so natural and right? Isn't the wrong thing suppose to fell wrong? I don't believe I will ever get over him, I just can't. I'm still in pain. I can't enjoy what I have. Am I really that superficial? I was never that person? How did I get so emotionally enfolded with this married man!

Dear sorrow fulmate!

Yes my AP is married and have grown up kids! He told me that he is unhappy with his marriage and I beleive him. He never lied to me. Not that I'm the chosen woman that makes him happy, but I do beleive his story and beside the physical attraction, we share great deal of mental connection. I have a question, how is telling my husband the whole truth is going to help me? Why does he have to know? It will hurt him the most.

how is telling my husband the whole truth is going to help me? Why does he have to know? It will hurt him the most.

Because not telling him the whole truth signifies where your true loyalty and heart is.

You think that not telling him protects him from hurt. It only protects you and the OM because you both share this vile secret.

If your husband doesn't won't to know then that's different. Otherwise your trickle truthing(giving him only half truths) him. That still lying and it hurts worse.

Dear sorrow fulmate!

Yes my AP is married and have grown up kids! He told me that he is unhappy with his marriage and I beleive him. He never lied to me.

Uhhhh yeah. I told my APs that too. Would you be having an affair with him if he were happy??

Think about it. He has grown kids, unhappy marriage, soooo why no divorce? Why not leave and find happiness? I will tell you exactly why: he doesn't want to rock the boat. Plus I bet him and his are still having sex. Matter of fact. You can probably count on it.

Not that I'm the chosen woman that makes him happy, but I do beleive his story and beside the physical attraction, we share great deal of mental connection.

It's called endorphins, it's called fantasy, it's a lie.

I have a question, how is telling my husband the whole truth is going to help me? Why does he have to know? It will hurt him the most.

Because you are living a lie. AP wants his toy back hence the text and the chocolate.

Why tell him? Because each time you let out a little more truth it's going to stab him again and again.

So what exactly did you tell him exactly?

I thought my AP was telling me the truth too.

I bought it hook, line and sinker.

I told my husband that me and AP are friends, pretty much he knows that we both are interested in each other but i didn't tell him that we were intimate all this time. My husband didn't ask, so it's not that I lied. you are telling me that everything the AP told me was a lie! How are you assuming that? He never lied and made any promises to me so why would he be not telling the truth about his life? Him and his wife were divorced for a while but got back to bring the family together. Maybe he was internally dead in a relationship and I was the person who showed him that he has a lot to offer. Maybe all you saying is truth about the fantasy part but I truly believe in him. I'm having hard time with this withdrawal because deep inside I know I still want him but I know I will be seeling myself short if I agreed to stay. I just can't hate him

It's lying by omission. Are you really "just friends" with your AP? Do "just friends" sleep with each other and talk about a possible future together?

Your AP is married, correct? If he isn't lying then why is he still married? I'd bet a million bucks he's still sleeping with his wife.

He never lied and made any promises to me so why would he be not telling the truth about his life?

How can you be so certain that he is telling you the full truth ?

He could be, but do you live with him ? Do you know what he tells his spouse when he is alone with her?

You should realize that you are worth more than just being some man's side dish. This man tells you wonderful things and makes you feel like you are his world and universe

He gets you and he understands you.

Even if all that is true, is it worth losing your husband and family in the long run?

Because that is exactly where you are heading. Your continual lies may catch up with you. What then? What are you going to say if he finds out the whole truth on his own.

I will tell you, saying " you didn't ask" is not going to cut it

The OM makes you feel wanted and alive. is that worth having your marriage die for your own selfish gain?

That is where you are heading if you don't stop this immediately. A broken husband, a torn family and a dead marriage. Be better than that. You can start today. Right now. Go NC. Stay NC. And tell your husband the truth

Oh Marialena...

My AP was single. I not only told her, i WROTE to her, in no uncertain terms, in fact i DID promise it, that i was going to leave my wife for her. I told her sweet and romantic things about how she deserved the chance to be with me without everyone knowing she was an OW the whole time. That i would leave for some other reason because i didnt want to drag her through that. I told her how incredible she was and I how much i 'loved' her. I even detailed how i was going to propose to her once i was out of my marriage!

And EVERY.SINGLE.SYLLABLE of it was complete bullshit!!!

My wife was pregnant. We were still sleeping together. I never had any intention of leaving. I never had any intention of building a life with AP. I wanted my family and my child. I wanted my cake, and to eat it too. I didnt love her, i didnt even truly like her! She gave me a high and i became infatuated with it and i would have told her ANYTHING to keep my access to that high unimpeded. ANYTHING Marialena!!

It didnt matter to me how horrible the lie was, it didnt matter how painful it would be for my BW when/if she found out. I was prepared to say and do anything to keep getting that high. Thise endorphins. The flood of dopamine that feels so damn good.

You think this guy is telling you the truth? Is that based on how truthful he is being to HIS wife by any chance? What makes you think a man who is prepared to do what he is doing to his own family is going to be honest with you? You havent been honest with your husband! What on earth makes you think that there is some inherent honesty in this relationship was has spawned in deceit from the very first day???

You HAVE lied to him. The WORST thing you can do now is to hold back details. You MUST admit the sex. How many times and answer any follow up questions. Yes, this will be excruciating - but it not about YOU anymore! This is about your BS, your family and trying to fight to keep THEM!

You asked how telling him is going to help YOU?? I PROMISE YOU - if you dont tell him everything as soon as you possibly can, you will regret it and every day you dont you make it exponentially harder to recover later.

SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE - WE CAN ALL GUARANTEE YOU THAT YOU WILL REALIZE YOUR AFFAIR IS A LIE AND A FANTASY CHEMICAL IMBALANCE! Please HEAR US!!!

Oh, I believed it all too. Now I realize how accomplished he was at telling me everything I wanted to hear, basically just parroting my own interests right back at me. Serial cheaters are great at that.

Just be thankful he's leaving. Many people who have to work with exAP's would love to have this clean cut, so they can get the AP out of their mind and get on with their lives.

Read more in this forum. We do lie. all the time. Read other forums, WS lie about our M to string our APs along. Read on here long enough and often. our APs are not as special as our spouses it is just us being broken and our addiction. I am sure you are saying, "But what we have is special. it isn't like what all you have." You would be wrong. That heavy weight you feel around your husband is guilt.

You are being selfish. I know, I did the same thing for a year and half I didn't tell my wife everything. Because I was afraid of hurting her, but more afraid of losing her. I statements. I was afraid for myself. I was selfish. I was horrible. I manipulated her and took away all her rights to make a decision on our marriage by not giving her all the information to make an informed decision. YOU are doing the same thing. In a year you will be disgusted by yourself.

You are not going to be able to sell it to us that you two should be together. We aren't going to validate your affair. The guide does apply to you. You are just in denial. You are not an exception. There has never been any exceptions here. Just WS that waited too long or did everything wrong and lost their spouses. The true good people to be with. Your AP is scum. He is having an affair with a married woman while being married. Post that on FB and see if anyone thinks he is the right guy for you. Ask your husband if he thinks he is so special after you tell him you have been having sex with the man.

I don't post here often, just mainly to let lost WS know that they are not special to their APs. This is from experience. I thought I was special to my AP. I am sure my AP thought she was special to me too. She wasn't. I had two APs at the same time. How special could they be? I was special to myself. I just needed any attention from anyone. After the fog. After the actual leaving of my wife and her kicking me out. WOW. I threw those two under the bus. They make me sick now.

You aren't sharing anythign with anyone. You are just hearing yourself talk when you say connection. Like others say endorphins and right now you are in withdrawal.

It doesn't matter if you think he is telling the truth. Then divorce if you want him so much and see if he comes to you. Let your husband have a real relationship.

You two (you and AP) don't have anything to offer anyone but lies, deciet, selfishness, cheating, piss poor integrity. There is no way your are showing him anything he has to offer in a M. You can't even have a true M.

You should get you. You should understand you. You should not need to hurt other people to make connections to build yourself up and to be understood. Go to IC and start working on yourself.

I don't understand why everyone's opinion is that the other man is a liar? Without knowing him, meeting him listening to him, everyone thinks he is a liar! What if we were two people who found in each other comfort and just got connected mentally and physically? I didn't fell in love with my husband! My marriage was pretty much arranged. I was in a situation to either get married or go back to a country that I have left looking for a bright future and better life! Then my husband appeared in the picture, handsome, sweet, and wanted to marry me. So I made a choice. I married him! For 10 years I thought I had everything I wanted. I never cheated on him. Until I saw the other man! The moment I saw him I felt something changed inside of me, I felt love. When I found him I felt my emotional emptiness. I acted on my feelings and it just made that connection stronger. We talked and shared our deepest thoughts. I truly felt that he gets me, I learned from him and I enjoyed listening to his ideas. He satisfied me mentally and physically. He never promised me anything, I know he is not a liar. I still beleive in him. The fact that he will not be with me, that is something we both agreed on. I will not leave my kids for my desires. It's too late now! Maybe if I had no kids then it would of been a different situation. We both knew all along that this day was going to come! We talked about it. I'm having hard time because I can't hate him, I can't come to a closure. I'm not convinced that he is a liar. I still miss him very much. My husband is a great person, just not for me.