SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I won't be able to see him regularly and that for me a deal breaker.

There is your big issue. You should stop because it is the right thing to do. Not because he doesn't have enough time for you. Affairs are wrong. This isn't your soul mate.

I saw him again today! It was brief, not privatel though. .I feel like I take a step forward but whenever I see him or I hear from him via texts, I take ten steps back. some of you guys said that I don't want to tell his wife because I'm afraid of being thrown under the bus! Well naturaly he will throw me under the bus, I know he will if he was put in a spot to choose. It's unfortunate but it's true. Matter of fact I would do the same thing. Moreover, isn't this what all the waywards do when their affair is discovered? I truly don't understand how anyone would do this. As a wayward I've done enough damage to myself already, Is it realy necessary to expand the damage on different levels? He did not do me bad. He never forced me to sleep with him, he never touched me without my will. Everything I gave him was because I wanted to. I was in full awareness of what I was doing. So now because Im t trying to let go, you guys are asking me to attack him within his household for whatever I willingly gave him?? Affairs are wrong, I agree, they leave us with a broken heart. But, not all APs are trash. Some of them don't deserve us to hurt them. I know my AP don't. I'm the bad person, he's just a man not an angel.

Okay, so instead of focusing on not telling the wife (BH and I didn't, not everybody does, that's a personal choice), focus on ending the A. Go complete NC. End it. That's the first step in healing. You need to cut it off completely.

Until then, you are still actively in an A and things will stay status quo.

Well for starters his wife deserves to know. Not that it is really your obligation to tell her. It is his. But, I call bull on that being your only reason for not telling (you don't want to hurt him). I think you don't want to tell, because the wife would be on alert and it would cut off more opportunities to see him. Which you obviously don't want to do.

As a wayward I've done enough damage to myself already, Is it realy necessary to expand the damage on different levels?

Ask the betrayed spouses in the other forums about that. I know that the damage I did to myself pale in comparison to what I did to my wife. Though, my wife is at a stage now where the damage I did to myself (integrity, reputation, trust, etc) makes her cry. I would give anything to have the respect she had for me back.

Honestly, I think you are just trying to avoid the consequences of having an affair. They don't just leave you broken hearted, which you will find out when you get out of your fog that it isn't true. Your husband and the obs will be the ones broken hearted. They ruin families and marriages.

I agree with Authenticnow. Not everyone needs to tell. They are strong enough to go NC. I just don't think you are strong enough without the extra push from his wife to stop it. Your ap has you brain washed. Do you know her well enough to know what she would do?

Marialena,

SI is not for those still actively in their A. You are welcome to stay and get support in ending it, if that's where you're at and what you're ready to do.

If not, please post when you've ended your A.

The fact that you take ten steps back every time you just catch a glimpse of him speaks volumes about how you're still emotionally wrapped up in this guy.

Yes, there will be additional fallout if you expose your affair to his wife. But, it will completely destroy the fantasy in your head. He'll throw you under the bus, and you will throw him under the bus. He'll be angry at you. You'll get angry at him for being angry with you and for throwing you under the bus. It will throw a wet blanket on all those butterflies you feel when you think of him. It's what I think you need to move forward.

You still talk of him fondly. You won't talk of him fondly when he turns against you and says things you never in a million years would think he'd say.

You may go No Contact...but I think the affair is still alive and well in your head. Time to kill it once and for all.

Thank you New Worldman! I completely understand how is telling his wife is going to blow out the whole think in my mind! I wish I had the courage to do that. But I'm not going to hurt him in that way. I'm just going to suck it up and let the A die slowly. affairs need nourishment via direct contact, there is not such a thing called long distance affair. I know for sure that when he will be out the door he will get busy and possibly won't have time for me. I'm the one who is going to have to deal with all the memories we had. I'm going to continue to try and understand how to survive and cope. Did I tell you guys that he is the boss at my work place? I don't report to him though. I'm in a leadership role too just a step below him, I'm thinking I might give it a shot and try to apply for his position after he leaves, I want to fill my emptiness with more work and new challenges. I truly appreciate all of you taking the time to share my experience I learned a lot from every single one of you. Do you guys know that at a point I prayed to God to help me out of this. I remember praying and asking God do it for me because Im just not strong enough to end it. I was at a point that I was very concerned about my job and my carrer because of my actions. So to all of you out there don't forget to pray. Prayers always works

I have one question! How come I still don't feel guilty about what I have done? Well, I do sometimes but I also think to myself that what I did I did to myself. I'm the one who is mostly affected by it. Does any of you ever thought like this? I just want to understand why is my sense of guilt not too high. Is this selfishness? Am I really that selfish? Or is the guilt is going to eat me up later when I'm completely out of this?

Is this selfishness? Am I really that selfish? Or is the guilt is going to eat me up later when I'm completely out of this?

Yes. Yes and Yes

You haven't suffered any consequences for what you ARE doing.

If you don't end this affair properly the mods will ban you from this site.

My guess is you are use to giving instructions and not taking them

That won't work here.

You don't feel guilty because you're still in the affair, or you just don't love your husband.

I think you need to either come COMPLETELY CLEAN with your husband, or file for divorce. Your husband has NO IDEA who you really are. You slept with your AP. Yet, you told your husband that you're just friends. This is a blatant lie.

Let's say you don't want to come clean. Are you ready from any potential fallout that would come down the road if somehow your affair comes out? What if your husband receives an anonymous note one day, with proof of the affair? Think it won't happen? Just ask the folks on here how many times it HAS happened. We all think we can rugsweep and hide it forever. Well, guess what? It's almost impossible to hide it forever.

You are on the fence big time. It's time to decide which way you're going to go. For everyone's sake including your own...blow up the affair and come clean to your husband. Tell the AP's wife. OR...don't do any of it, divorce your husband and stop stringing him along. He's with someone who doesn't love him and doesn't give a shit. Does that sound fair to you? Me neither.

There are ONLY 2 choices in my opinion. Time to decide.

[This message edited by NewWorldMan at 3:35 PM, March 6th (Friday)]

Oh and by the way...there is no such thing as letting the affair die slowly. It won't. You'll get a text message, or a happy birthday, or you'll see him at work. It will start the butterflies again. You'll secretly want to meet up with him. Perhaps you'll even act upon it, telling yourself "just one more time" or "nobody will know".

See where I'm going with this?

You need to kill it now and there is only one way to do that as we have stated over and over in this thread.

Sorry if we're being harsh in our replies back to you, but we've been in your shoes. I had a 3 plus year Long Term Affair (LTA) with a former girlfriend. I was in the fog and on the fence too. I was going out of my mind just like you are. I found SI and spilled my guts here. I began to realize that I had to do the right thing. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but I ended it with my AP and came clean to my now ex-wife.

I was still foggy after that for a while, and I was majorly messed up in the head. But it was the most important first step to becoming an authentic person and living an honest life.

you don't feel guilty because you haven't suffered any consequences from your affair and you're doing everything in your power to keep it that way. That's not only selfish but cowardly. You're still in your A. You have zero desire to end it, despite what you're trying to tell us. You don't feel any guilt for what you're doing not only to yourself but to your husband and OM's wife. I can't and will not help someone who won't even help themselves. You are more concerned for your OM than for your own husband - that is not only sad, but pretty damn telling.

Divorce your husband - it's crystal clear you don't want to be married to him - then you can continue to be a mistress because clearly, you're okay with that.

[/quote]I have one question! How come I still don't feel guilty about what I have done? Well, I do sometimes but I also think to myself that what I did I did to myself. I'm the one who is mostly affected by it. Does any of you ever thought like this? I just want to understand why is my sense of guilt not too high. Is this selfishness? Am I really that selfish? Or is the guilt is going to eat me up later when I'm completely out of this? [/quote]

Bet your life on it

55

No guilt because you are in la la land. You don't want to end the affair cold turkey because you cant handle the fact of leaving things in a loss of ego boosting. You will not tell your husband because of your so called love for the OM-not for your husband. Not to mention you know your husband still wants you too and may not if he knew the whole truth. Though you obviously dont care about your husband the way you care about yourself and another womans husband. Just sad. You want to continue to walk around feeling like the OM has fond memories of you if you do end the affair. NO guilt because you are and want denial. Not once have you ever mentioned the OMs family and what they deserve. You act like they dont even exist,so how can you feel guilty for them? You arent afraid of hurting the other man. You are afraid of hurting yourself when he shows his true colors and what you are really worth to him. Go to IC. You taking full responsibility to the point of being more worried about the OM secure life sounds like brain washing. You owe him nothing. He is nothing. He helped you destroy yourself.

Honestly you go on and on about your love for him and his so called love for you and total disregard when asked questions about the OMs family suffering. I wonder if you are posting here to get back at the other mans wife. Sorry admids if too harsh. You can delete. I am onot posting on this thread anymore.

[This message edited by Zugzwang at 11:48 AM, March 8th (Sunday)]

This post is so disturbing in so many ways. It seems you're ending your affair simply because your AP is leaving his job. You have no intention of going NC until he leaves. You also show no remorse, and admit such. You should not be posting here as you are looking for WS to tell you that what you are doing is ok. We have all been there in some way, and most of us are telling you to wake up. What you are feeling is not real! It's a fantasy based on lies and endorphins, etc, etc. I'm sorry you seem so confused and are hurting.... You need to try picking yourself up and at the very least put your kids before yourself, go to an IC to determine whether your marriage is right for you. And if so you need MC. It seems you are in the marriage to prevent hurting your kids... You already are ... And because you think your husband needs you... He doesn't .. What he needs is you to wake up and be honest with yourself and with him. He doesn't deserve one more second of this. You say your AP just sends simple texts to see if you're ok... That's not what those are at all... It's his way of saying don't forget about him and his needs for the attention as well, don't fall for it! I wish you all the best. Please take all the suggestions on this thread seriously, they all speak from experience.

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:26 PM, October 16th (Monday)]

Why bump up a thread that was last posted on two and a half years ago just to tell someone (who probably hasn't been here in that same amount of time) that her situation is disgusting? Don't you think there are current, active situations that could use encouragement and support?

Well said theses

You have to have NC if you want to end the A.