SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Two weeks ago after taking my wife to dinner she confessed to me that she thinks she and my brother had sex 6 years ago. She says it was one night when when where hanging out at his house with him and his wife. She said I went to bed downstairs in the guest bedroom and the three of them continued to drink and party upstairs.

She says all she remembers is falling while getting a beer and my brother helping her up. Then she wakes up to a vision of him on top of her and the feeling the next day that they had sex. I said she needs to get answers so she meets with my brother days later after telling me this. Keep in mind we haven't spoken to my brother in over a year do to previous argument where he joked with my wife that I cheated when I traveled out of town which I don't.

After they meet I'm still in the dark as he says to her he's moved on and that he thought we did stuff like that with our neighbors and other people. He tells her he thought they were meeting to talk about the previous argument. My wife is pretty insistent they had sex and we've been together since high school and I'm 41 now and have every reason to believe her. When I confronted him he says she was coming on to him and he went to bed and she tried to get him to come back and hang with her but he refused.

He claims he did nothing now and she's making it up...welcome to my world!

Here's the big issue, she makes out that he took advantage of her but I can't understand why if that was the case would she still want to hang out with them and go on vacations etc with someone that could do that. One night on the way home after she worked third shift she saw my brother and sister in law pulled over by the police.

She found out my brother was being arrested for DWI and waited 4 hours in the middle of the night to pick him up from jail because my sister in law was too drunk. I can't wrap my head around why you do that for someone you say took advantage of you. She knows my distain for my brother and that she could have cheated with anyone else in the world but him. She has lied in the past about a few big things like she told me for years she didn't smoke anymore and was still smoking everyday.

When it comes to my wife I'm very affectionate always have to touch her I'm just very physical. I haven't had sex with her since she told me and I don't have the desire to physical at all. The vision of her and my brother has me so screwed up I don't know how this will get any better.

I have never looked at other girls because my wife is very sexy and beautiful and I always cherished what I had in and out of the bedroom, but to think over those years the arguments we've had while she had this in the back of her mind. These weren't big arguments often felt they were conjured up. For me I have to have an outlet for affection and have to feel wanted physically. I worked had to stay in shape for her and never gave a thought to any woman who flirted with me but now it's different when you feel you have no one.

Now she's super nice and very accommodating and I asked her why are you being this way. She claims she's always been this way but I'm sure you all understand that's not the truth. She has been flirty with guys but she's very open and I chalked it up as who she is because that's the line she sold me. There was a neighbor of ours that clearly liked her and drove a motorcycle. She and I had discussion about him and that she should tone it down as he's really into her. What does she do but ask to take a ride on his motorcycle a week later.

I came here because I have two girls and I myself come from a divorced family and don't want that for them. I don't think I would be here if it was just a random affair with someone I didn't know but my brother who always got what he wanted girls, cars from mom and dad etc, and me if it wasn't for my dad my mom would have aborted me when she found out she was pregnant. So imagine the love I got as a child.

I just wanted you to know that someone read your post, and that you face a rocky road ahead. It sounds stupid, but make sure you drink a lot of water. The trauma of infidelity will take physical toll on your body as much as a mental and emotional toll on your psyche. Read here a lot, post often. Up in the left corner of the page is a little yellow box. Go to "The Healing Library" and then to BS Faqs. Read every single thing in there, especially about doing the 180.

I'm very sorry you find yourself here, but glad that you did find us.

Sorry u r here but it's a good place for wise experienced advice.

Three issues strike me from your story.

First, expect the truth to slowly trickle out, abrev. TT on this forum. It's just human nature to spoon you a little at a time to protect you, and them. The truth is probably worse than you think, and there may be other men. I hope not, but be ready for a roller coaster.

Second, you need to figure out why the confession, especially if she felt raped.

Third, where alcohol is involved, it's possible they are both being truthful; even they might not know the truth. That makes this very complicated.

Finally, check her Facebook/ cell phone records /credit cards etc quietly if you can. Make sure the six year old confession isn't camouflaging an ongoing affair.

Wow, just wow. I am so sorry that you had the need to join our little club. However, I'm glad you made it. This club is full of the best people you never wanted to meet.

Personally, I've never dealt with this situation, but if you scroll down the page you will find a forum called *I Can Relate*. Within that forum is a thread called *Double Betrayal*. There are many there who would be More familiar with your situation. I'll bump it up for you.

The pain of betrayal? We're here for you.

If she was so drunk that she's not sure what happened, she couldn't give consent. If that is the case, your brother raped her. It is possible he was so drunk he doesn't really remember, either. Then maybe he's not fully responsible for his actions. I don't know.

There are lots of reasons why women don't tell right away about being raped. Sometimes they never tell. Assuming that your wife is telling the truth, she may have felt responsible because she was so drunk. A lot of people still think that if a woman gets raped while she's intoxicated that it's her fault. She was asking for it. She should expect that. She may have been afraid of what accusing your brother of rape would do to your family. It wouldn't just affect him, it would affect his wife and kids, if they have any. She may have been afraid of how you would react.

I'm a bit upset that the the first assumption from people on here is that she is lying. If she was raped, you are very cruel person for treating her the way you are. You have disdain for your brother, but you believe him over her? Maybe that's why she didn't say anything years ago.

ColdPizza,

I'm so sorry you found yourself here and for all the pain you're in. If this ends up being true, you were really hit with a double-whammy.

EasyDoesIt is 100% correct: do what you can to eat, drink, sleep, and exercise as normally as possible, as your situation is going to be very difficult for a while and you'll have to actively remind yourself to do the basics to stay healthy. Keeping your routine constant will not only help you physically, but will steady your emotions a bit, which is invaluable when dealing with this kind of situation. The Healing Library is also fantastic, so please take the time to look through it. You may find some of the information regarding how the Wayward Spouse (WS) can essentially re-write memories particularly relevant, as your wife is making claims about her own past behavior that don't match your memories of those times.

One other piece of advice - be careful regarding who in your personal life you choose to talk to about this situation. Keep in mind that once you tell a friend or family member about your situation, they can't "un-know" it. Another thing that is so great about this site is that you can post as much or little as you want and get compassionate but frank opinions (which can be hard to come by sometimes from the people in our personal lives). It's helpful to see that our stories have so much in common, even though the details may be very different.

Do what you can to hang in there and sort out what really happened before you do something you might later regret (be it filing for divorce, getting involved with another woman, etc.). Give yourself time to feel comfortable and confident with whatever decisions you make going forward.

Take care of yourself and good luck.

Why now?

She has lied in the past about a few big things like she told me for years she didn't smoke anymore and was still smoking everyday.

Why?

I agree that it is very disturbing that your wife never said anything about it. To me, that would make me believe that she was more into it than she is saying. On the same time, what the hell about your brother? Supposedly your brother had to push his hand away from your wife, yet he didn't say a word about it to you? I would say to me it sounds like a mutual thing. Except why did your wife bring it up after all this time?

I do know from my experience that when a bunch of people get really drunk that some pretty messed up can happen, and not too many might have great memory the next day, never mind years later.

No question people who are heavy drinkers can have blackouts. Apparently she remembered enough but chose to do nothing, which is very odd. Then hanging with him for 6 years is odder still. I have to say the story is very fishy and that you probably don't have the full story.

Why does she bring this up now?

I am so sorry you are here with a double betrayal.

Take care of yourself while you sort this out. Your brother sounds like a complete douchebag. I realize it takes two, but his excuse "I thought you guys were into it," is disgusting and shows zero remorse for the pain caused to you (even if he was drunk, his excuse to you was when he was sober).

Your wife needs IC. If she was raped, she needs to figure out why she is stuffing her anger and going out of her way to be nice to her attacker. If she drinks so much she isn't responsible for her actions, she needs to give up drinking. If the sex was a consensual A, she needs to figure out why she had an A, particularly with your brother.

Does your SIL know?

ETA: your wife could feel dirty and guilty even if she had been raped. I don't know what the truth is, but don't assume guilty feelings means she wasn't taken advantage of.

The difficult part is that advice on how you act going forward would be 100% different based on whether or not your brother attacked her. Aside from informing SIL and going NC with your brother.

[This message edited by shakentocore at 8:52 AM, February 20th (Friday)]

Ok, a couple of things. Firstly, it not uncommon for a rape victim to keep it to themselves and not report it - I should know that's how I handled my rape. That she told you after 6 years, once again, not that unusual, she may have been blaming herself or been in denial. The only thing that strikes me as a little odd is that she still hung around your brother and his family, but if she had been in denial this could be explained. The other thing is that she said when she woke up the next morning she knew she'd had sex - yeah our bodies don't lie in this regard.

Either way this is a horrible situation. I suggest counselling for the both of you. Until you know the situation has more certainty, please don't judge her.

You have already confronted your brother and he was less than helpful, not unexpected really. Is there anything else that you can use to ascertain some facts? You said that you feel she may have previously been unfaithful, is there any digging you can do? You really have to tread cautiously because she could be telling you the truth.

I'm puzzled why your wife confessed after 6 years. I think you need the answer to that question above all. You haven't detected any guilt, and she continues to flirt with men, so why spill the beans?

Don't necessarily believe it wasn't a short affair. Maybe your brother is trying to pressure her into continuing the relationship i.e. more sex, with the threat of telling you the whole story if she doesn't comply. So your wife comes clean to avoid you finding out via your brother. Her 'confessing' makes her seem a little more virtuous.

You have much more information to gather before the real truth is revealed.

brother who always got what he wanted girls, cars from mom and dad etc, and me if it wasn't for my dad my mom would have aborted me when she found out she was pregnant. So imagine the love I got as a child

Firstly, I am sorry you find yourself here. We have all been through horrific experiences and know what you are feeling. This is survivable, although life changing - given your family of origin issues, this can be turned into a very positive event for you IF you allow it and take advantage of this gift - yes I said gift - that you have been given.

Secondly, the above quote from you moved me so very much. I believe this: Individual counseling is a MUST for you.

I went through several before I found the one that worked for me. He pulled his chair towards me, looked at me sincerely, and said, "How can I help you?" I said, "I am going to seem absolutely together. I am able to discuss each issue with clarity and insight, and I will seem ok. I am not ok. Don't let me bullshit you." And he didn't. He called me on everything, and we got through the immediate pain of infidelity and the loss of my husband and down into the shit of my dysfunctional family of origin and into the muck of childhood sexual abuse.

Your statement that you have kept in shape to stay attractive for her tells me one thing: Because of the insecurities you have about your mother not wanting you, your mom and dad always giving more to your brother, you have been playing this out in your marriage - doing the "pick me, pick me dance" - We, here at SI, pick you! We pick you to be a whole and self-loving man whose wife picks you, soberly, and only you, for the rest of your life. I believe that can happen!

Thirdly, If her story is correct - she drunkenly fell, he picked her up, she blacked out, woke up with an image of him on top - THAT IS RAPE. Why would she stuff it for 6 years - I stuffed my sexual assaults for 49 years! This is VERY common. It is also common to help or stay in contact with a sexual perpetrator who is family.

Perhaps there have been other infidelities and if that is so, she will need to come clean about that. The fact that you could suspect it, means there is much work to do.

My humble advice:

Put the "infidelity" on the back burner for the moment.

Take care of yourself with purpose: Eat well-whole grains, fish, chicken, nuts, fruits - no white flour, sugar or deep fried foods and limit dairy products, exercise, hydrate, ABSOLUTELY NO ALCOHOL, Go to your doctor and get temporary antidepressants and sleep aids, take vitamin B supplements, go get checked for STDs just to make sure you are ok and ease your mind.

Put physical intimacy on hold until YOU feel safe. If she loves you, she will wait. Don't do it to punish her, but to protect you.

Ask your wife to: stop drinking alcohol and go into counseling for herself - you can only ask - her mental and physical health is up to her.

No contact with brother from you or your wife at this point.

Blessings to you. Continue to post as you need. We are here for you. There are gifts waiting for you, if you choose to accept them.

I find it odd that she waited 6 years to tell you. You say you have a great marriage, not perfect, but it's been good.

If she was raped..why spend so much time with him afterwards? Why wait four hours to pick him up from jail? Why spend time with him and his wife hanging out, having fun?

I was raped. Im sure all women aren't like me...but I couldn't imagine doing a favor for my rapist..nor would I want to hang out and laugh with him.

People who cheat also lie to protect their own self image. They can't come right out, first time, and say what a horrible thing they've done to someone that they care for.

If what she said is the truth then her reactions are possible reactions to abuse, especially abuse by family members.

The abused push the abuse down. They accept responsibility for it. They feel that they caused it. They feel that had they been a better person that it wouldn't have happened. They try to make themselves matter in the eyes of the abusers, to be better somehow, by doing things for the abusers. They feel like shit inside, low self-esteem, and try to "measure up" to the abuser.

These reactions are unhealthy. They're not sustainable. Eventually they tear the abused apart inside. Sometimes the abuse is never revealed, the memories are repressed, but the reactions are still there, the person is still being torn apart. Some react by shutting themselves off from the world, from further hurt. Some react by becoming very promiscuous.

If a rape occurred it needs to be treated as such.

Thanks everyone for the input I'm just as confused as you all are as to why she waited so long to tell me. My gut feeling is she had some part in it which she says she may have.

She wanted to have a date night Saturday and I told her I'm not there yet by any means. She claims she's a horrible person and wonders why I'm staying with her. I think only time will tell if I can become attracted to her once again.

She claims she's a horrible person and wonders why I'm staying with her

Something sounds a little off here.

First she tells you about this sex years later and now she is asking why you are staying with her.

Maybe I am too cynical, but it sort of sounds like there is more to this, that maybe she has had another affair recently.

It is not very usual that a wife will admit to having sex with some other guy right after going out to dinner. I just dont think it all adds up and there is more here going on.

Ask her why she told you all of this in the first place now.

Craig2001

She says its bothered her every day and I agree why now. She insist there's been no other affairs. She can play the wounded bird syndrome to try and make me feel sorry for her. I told her I'm not playing that game anymore. I've made it clear that the timing and her ability to hide major secrets is why I don't trust her or believe her at the moment.

I told her I may or may not ever believe or trust her again. She says she'll change as she admits she has put me through a lot of mental BS by starting arguments just for the sake of it and that in its self bothers me.

My best guess for her timing would be a few things. One we've had two neighbors recently split up and second a mother of one kids in my daughters class has become very interested in me after meeting us at a school function.

She's asked lots of questions about our relationship to other parents and made comments about my looks. This has all made its way back to my wife.

I have had no contact with the woman but somehow think this may have my wife worried in a way. I think she might feel somewhat guilty when she's directly confronted with another woman that has interest in her husband because it reflects what she has done herself.

[This message edited by Coldpizza at 10:18 PM, February 19th (Thursday)]

Hi. So sorry you're going through this.

Do you have kids? How old are they approximately?

Have you considered having her do a polygraph? I'd also tell your brother that if he wishes to have any chance of remaining in your life, that he is to have a polygraph as well.

Keep talking to us, so we can continue to help you. Best wishes!

My gut feeling is she had some part in it which she says she may have.

Coldpizza, if she is saying that she may have had some part in it then you can bet your bottom dollar that she did. She is TT-ing, giving you little snippets to test the water and minimise the impact.

I would sit her down and explain to her that lying and withholding the truth will do far more damage than the truth could ever do. She needs to tell you everything now so that you can process it and move forward without the risk of new information coming out and putting you right back at square one.

I've made it clear that the timing and her ability to hide major secrets is why I don't trust her or believe her at the moment.

The ability to lie to you so easily is what bothers all BS's.

And one thing your wife has to understand, even though the affair or incident was years ago, since you just found out about it the other day, it is exactly as if it happened the other day.

And to you, it did just happen the other day.

Six years ago doesnt mean crap to you.

Tell her that she now has to do everything as if the affair was yesterday. Completely transparent with all of her passwords, electronics and her whereabouts.

And possibly a polygraph.

I think too many of us have had to go through the I was so drunk I am not sure stuff. And it is miserable.

I just wonder about her attitude that she isnt good enough and wonders why you stay. So she says that today instead of 6 years ago. Just had me wondering why she is saying all of this now when supposedly she has done nothing wrong recently.