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I had told my oldest 3 daughters that the OM had asked my WW to sleep with her and she had turned him down and was no longer in contact with him. Additionally, that none of my daughters should ever talk or be with him. OM was cut off from our family. (OM is an instructor at our music school).

Yesterday I came home from work and my 10 year old daughter was calling me into my bedroom. She looked very worried and said, "Dad, I need to tell you something..." I said OK and I knelt down and looked into her worried eyes.

"Mom was on Skype with [OM]."

I told her that maybe it was cousin Allen, as my WW Skyped with him from time to time. Perhaps it was him.

"No Dad, It was [OM]. I saw before she hid it in her tummy. I'm sure."

I have asked my wife to move out for 3 weeks to think things through. Does she really want to give up me and her family to continue with this. She spent the rest of the night trying to tell me he was just a friend, that I didn't understand, and that I not do this. But now I see I have no choice.

I think it's time you stopped believing her lies and excuses. She continues to break NC and give you bullshit reasons. I think you need to face the very real possibility that the affair has continued, gone underground. The excuses she gives are just lies to cover up that fact.

Move out for three weeks? What will that accomplish? She will see OM without concern you will find out.

That your child..your little girl..saw what she saw..and her mother put her in the position of telling her father that her mommy is still cheating on daddy is reprehensible. This child will be affected by this forever. I also think she has to be blaming herself..kids do that. She told you..and now mommy is gone. Im sorry it took *this* for you to tell her to leave. Because now your child feels responsible. You need to do everything you can to make sure she understands it's not her fault.

She will come back in three weeks. Say she is sorry and wants the family and you. You will give her a clean slate..and she will break NC again.

This ends when you say it does. At this point, you are not a victim..you are a volunteer.

Please find your anger.

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:04 AM, February 20th (Friday)]

I'm so sorry, notperfect5. This is not something that you or your 10 year old daughter or any of your other children should have to deal with.

I'm glad you are clear-eyed about her not being honest, and breaking No Contact.

I think it's time you stopped believing her lies and excuses. She continues to break NC and give you bullshit reasons. I think you need to face the very real possibility that the affair has continued, gone underground. The excuses she gives are just lies to cover up that fact.

Move out for three weeks? What will that accomplish? She will see OM without concern you will find out.

That your child..your little girl..saw what she saw..and her mother put her in the position of telling her father that her mommy is still cheating on daddy is reprehensible. This child will be affected by this forever. I also think she has to be blaming herself..kids do that. She told you..and now mommy is gone. Im sorry it took *this* for you to tell her to leave. Because now your child feels responsible. You need to do everything you can to make sure she understands it's not her fault.

She will come back in three weeks. Say she is sorry and wants the family and you. You will give her a clean slate..and she will break NC again.

This ends when you say it does. At this point, you are not a victim..you are a volunteer.

Please find your anger.

^^

No need to even say anything else.

Edit: On second thought, fuck your wife for putting your child in this position. I have a ten-year-old girl, and fuck her for being a horseshit parent.

[This message edited by xhz700 at 11:07 AM, February 20th (Friday)]

my WW tried to convience me that APs became just friends, nope, just more secrets and lies, its all baloney and covert actions behind our backs, its part of their game, they get thrills from the sneaking around, pumps heavy chemials in to the brain because there are deep seated memories associated with emotions associated with behaivors.

When the sneak they feel that rush...the "In love".

Giving up a family for this guy, it makes no sense on paper.

She is an addict, sir.

Did your wife admit she was skyping the OM. Is this the same OM...music boy?

Does your state have any alien of affection laws or does adultery matter in divorce? Just curious.

I think it is time for you to file for a divorce. Your wife either doesn't care to be a mother and wife anymore or just wants a divorce to live her single life.

But at this point, I do not think you can do anything else, you have done everything humanly possible to fix her situation and she refuses to do a single thing that you have asked her to do.

She plainly does not want to be married.

What will three weeks do? She can skype and play with her OM all she wants to. It will not change her, she will not miss you. Because she has had plenty of time for both.

Think just how long her affair has been going on now...over a year now? And yes, no matter what your wife calls it, it is an affair, it is infidelity.

Personally, I think having her move out for 3 weeks is a great idea. Let her find out what life will really look like without you.

If she contacts OM, you've got your answer.

Have you verified her night club story yet?

Moving WW will only make it easier for her to go bang the OM. That makes that plan a bad plan.

Has this affair been fully exposed?

Who has this affair been exposed to?

notperfect5, I am so sorry for you that it came to this.

No advice, just commiseration. Hang in there, man. Hang in there.

Notperfect, I am so sorry you are going through this - you and your daughters.

I tried so hard to 'fix' things, to bury my anger, to 'be good' for my marriage and my kids. I got the EXACT same speech - 'he's just a friend now, you don't understand'

I can't tell you the pain I went through the next 6 months, hanging on so hard...

IT DOESN'T WORK. If she can't or won't see the damage and pain she is causing you and your family by continuing this 'friendship' (ugh I want to be sick) - you HAVE to assert real control over your life.

Who knows what the future holds - but for right now, this gentle 'go to your room' punishment will NOT work.

Take care of yourself.

Moving WW will only make it easier for her to go bang the OM. That makes that plan a bad plan.

Maestro got this one right and you will have no way to know.

My bet is Mr. Music Man was at the bar last Monday night. Too coincidental that she is with her friend who is there everytime she betrays you and then three days later she is SKYPEing him again.

When you first came to SI, your wife was using your childs phone or computer to deceive you and here you are 18 months out in the exact same place. Using your child to cheat is disgraceful

She has told you repeatedly she will not give him up, and that is the only truth she has given you. And 18 months out you are still being told you do not understand their special relationship.

NP5, your wife is going to have a boyfriend and you or you are going to divorce her. It is that simple. She has never stopped contacting him.

So three weeks from now are you going to give her another list after she has had her fun for three weeks.

This woman and her friend used their influence to get this guy a job on top of your home.

Trust what she says. She does care more about him than you or her family. it is time to stop making excuses for her. There is no one else to blame here except her.

you have done everything humanly possible to fix her situation and she refuses to do a single thing that you have asked her to do.

You do realize you can't fix this. Because you didn't cause this. This has nothing to do with you. You can set all the boundaries *for* her that you want. You can tell her friends not to allow her to this..and that. You can blame OM and hold him responsible. None of that matters because SHE IS THE PROBLEM. She did this..all of this.You can turn yourself inside out being the world's most perfect BH...and it won't matter one bit. Because SHE is the problem.

Until she understands that, and starts to seriously work on herself..she is not safe for you. This won't be accomplished in three weeks. So what are your requirements for her to move back in?

She has now involved two of your sweet girls in her affair. What amazing, strong, honest children you have raised. That they both came to you and told you the truth is a reflection of the awesome dad you have been. But, np5, right now, you need to stop allowing your WW to continue to put these kids in that situation. It's abuse. It's sad. Im so sad for your girls..and you. Im sorry if I sound harsh. Im just so angry FOR you. I want you to find your anger as well. It will help clear your fog. And,man, you are deep in the BS fog.

Time to lawyer up, that or live with a WW that has no respect for you or your children.

I truly am sorry you had to hear this from your daughter. Even SHE is trying to tell you to DO something, she is trying to be strong for you by being brave enough to even say anything. The weight of all this on a small child is too too much.

You cannot hide behind yoru fears anymore, it is now bringing your children who think you are protecting into the mix. If this is what it took to finally have you make a stand then finally follow thru.

By the way, why a "3 weeks" number? That sounds sorta weird. Any significance of 3 weeks?

Something else to consider NP, many times an affair that has gone on as long as this one has, with multiple DDays and confrontations, usually run out of steam. The affair will just fade away on its own.

Your wifes affair and complete infatuation with this guy shows no signs of fading out, fading away.

At one time you might have been thinking that it will end in due time. As you can see it has not and it continues.

You have tried to stop the affair, yet they continue to talk to and most likely see each other. Both of them continue to show their disrespect for you...to say the least.

((((notperfect5 and DD's)))) I will not add to what everyone else has been trying to get through to you, not perfect. Just a hug because I am sure you need them. I am so so sorry.

The weight of all this on a small child is too too much.

Waaayyyy too much. I really feel for her. What she needs to see is direct action to make her feel safe in her family, because she doesn't now. Her mom is toxic.

Really consider what is means that your child is now bearing responsibility for policing her own mother and reporting to her father. Way too much for her to be dealing with. That would be so difficult for an adult, but a 10 year old? She is just not mentally equipped to deal with this sort of thing. I would seriously consider counseling for her. Otherwise I'm afraid she'll end up blaming herself.

There are all sorts of issues that come up for kids who learn early about their parent's infidelity (ask me how I know!), but the scenario you described adds another dimension.

Asking your WW to separate (and NOT with a time limit. 3 weeks is nothing and she will use that time to pursue her A) is not a failure on your part. By separating, you are offering your children a chance at normalcy, life in a house without drama, and a dad who can take charge when mom is out of control.

[This message edited by veronique12 at 12:20 PM, February 20th (Friday)]

Good for you for having her move out.

I again strongly urge you to read http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=547220 and protect yourself and the kids.

Also, please tell your DD that you're proud of her for telling the truth and that she did the right thing. Also, please, please, get your kids into some sort of therapy/counselling ASAP! They need professional help&support from a neutral party!

Best wishes!

Poor DD's, scarred for life, I've seen it so many times.

Children look up to the parents for guidance, especially in times of stress. And what do they inherit from al this: loyalty conflicts and parentification. So depressing.