SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She, at first, denied it. I told her, "no, your lying". She denied again. Then I said, "Even your daughters know your lying!" So she did admit it after that.

The affair has not been exposed. The OM continues on, unscathed. My wife has been insulated from fallout, thus far, by my efforts. Only the music school director knows outside my family and IC's and MC and WW's closest friends.

Until she understands that, and starts to seriously work on herself. She is not safe for you. This won't be accomplished in three weeks. So what are your requirements for her to move back in?

Three weeks is what we can do without the wheels falling off our household of 7 with two working parents. That's all the time I can give her. If more than that is needed we will have to repeat or be done.

She offered to go back to MC, but MC is for people who are acting like their married, not for a threesome, and not for a couple with one lying about being a couple. I've been there and tried that and it's left a deep wound.

my WW tried to convience me that APs became just friends, nope, just more secrets and lies, its all baloney and covert actions behind our backs, its part of their game, they get thrills from the sneaking around, pumps heavy chemials in to the brain because there are deep seated memories associated with emotions associated with behaivors.

When the sneak they feel that rush...the "In love".

Giving up a family for this guy, it makes no sense on paper.

She is an addict, sir.

Yes, she described talking to him as a "ray of light" in a dark day. That, I imagine, is the chemical rush. To me it is a dagger in my heart, and I can not take it any more.

Does your state have any alien of affection laws or does adultery matter in divorce? Just curious.

No, but when OM was in the other state, I could sue him if we end up getting divorced for alien of affection. What do I take though? The shirt off his back? Not worth the trouble other than revenge which I am not out for here.

She plainly does not want to be married.

Oh, she does. She just wants a "friend" on the side to liven things up some.

I've asked her to post some more. Perhaps the Waywards can talk some to her. Heaven knows she won't listen to me.

np5,

I am so sorry you find yourself here.

I don't know your entire back story, but I have a few things to say from personal experience:

1. Call your lawyer now, & make an appt to start divorce proceedings. It may wake your WW up, & you can stop at any point.

2. Whatever you do, YOU stay in the house with the kids, & you try to get primary custody

You do not deserve to be treated like this.

Sending you strength.

Seriously man, she will not listen to you. Stop talking to her.

There isn't a magical combination or thing you can say that is going to get her to see this. She posts once in Wayward Forum then bails. She sees no problem with this relationship or lying about it.

She continues to do this because you have shown her that there are no consequences for her actions. This is a three week vacation for her. Look at her post!

Go to a lawyer, file, knock her off the goddamn fence! Hard!

Why haven't you exposed this to her parents/siblings and his wife/family?

(((notperfect5)))

She doesn't seem to have it in her to go NC. One of the most telling things a WS can say is "I don't know why I do the things I do." That means that there is no accountability for their behavior. She says she wants to work on this and try harder, but at this point she can't. She isn't.

Don't base your decisions on her potential. Base them on her behavior.

Sending big hugs and strength.

Three weeks is what we can do without the wheels falling off our household of 7 with two working parents.

As opposed to now, when the wheels AREN'T coming off?

I'm pretty acquainted with your posts, though I don't usually respond, and I just feel plain bad for you that you are too afraid or stuck or guilt-ridden or something to put an end to this. You have the power to change this. I hope that one day you're able to be strong enough look at your fear, try to figure out where it's coming from and what it's all about, and then challenge it.

Are you finally getting angry?

You should be mad as hell friend.

She has involved your innocent children more than once that you know of. I'm betting its a lot more than that.

She is a narcissist. You are co dependent.

She will continue to abuse, blame, and make you believe if only you had done x, y or z, she would have done the work to save your M. Honestly she doesn't have the ability to do it at this point.

Kick her out. Period. Don't give her a 3 week window.

What wheels will fall off without her in the house?

Get friends, and family to help out.

Hire someone to do the driving. Often times college kids are ideal for this and will do it cheaply.

Figure this shit out, but it's time to stand up and demand more.

Your kids deserve more. They should have at a minimum one healthy parent that can be a safe place to go. A soft spot to fall. A parent that they know will have their back no matter what. This is particularly important to have a good man, as an example to them to allow them to grow up to understand what that is, and what to look for when seeking out their own life partner.

You can only influence the things you control. Your wife is not one of those. Be the beacon of light and safety for your girls. Show them that it's ok to demand the respect and honesty that any decent person should have.

Stand your ground. She doesn't get it. She hasn't, and I suspect she won't.

The affair has not been exposed.

I think it is time it is exposed. Tell her parents what she continues to do. I would think sooner or later your daughter is going to tell the grandparents what is going on, and I am surprised they haven't yet.

Where is she going to stay for these three weeks, at her enabling friends house where she is now accustomed to crashing when she has been out drinking and dancing too much.

3 weeks is not going to do anything. She will miss the family, but she will still have her skyping musicboy friend.

She wants a friend on the side, that's fine, but this is not a friend on the side, what she has is called an affair.

There is a difference between having friends of the opposite sex and having friends of the opposite sex that causes the spouse to lie, deny, and go to their motel rooms with them. A big difference.

Don't base your decisions on her potential. Base them on her behavior.

Exactly. Her behavior has your poor DD policing her own mother. What a shining example, huh? This is going to be your reality until/unless you put your foot down. The time for talking and further 3 week windows and such are over. It's time to hold her accountable.

I know it's hard. We all do. Believe me though, If you don't hold her accountable, it's only going to lead to more pain and hurt for you and your children. what's worse? Going through a divorce and having an opportunity for happiness on the other side, or staying in limbo with a WW who shows no remorse, continues lying to you, and now has her own children calling her on it?

Sending strength notperfect5

As a person who lived in a household where my mother cheated on my Dad for my teenage years, I can tell you that the damage you're doing to your children by not divorcing her is immeasurable. I don't think your wife can be redeemed. Your children are worth saving from her.

Wow. I have a suggestion for you. Go back to your profile and read through it again.

Your wife has been in an active affair for a very long time - and you have known about it. You have an open marriage that you have condoned.

Standing up for yourself is hard. It is especially hard when you first find out and are free-falling from the shock. I know that it's difficult to find your angry place. But, gently my friend, you need to take a look at your kids, then look yourself in the mirror - and you need to get mad. Not emotionally mad but objectively, confidently angry. You need to pull up your big boy pants and start laying down some rules.

That means filing, immediately. As you know, you have plenty of time to call it off if you wish. But you MUST show her that her behavior is unacceptable and that it ends immediately - or your marriage ends.

Second you let everyone know about the affair. And I mean everyone. If she gets pissed - so what? She's already left your marriage. She's already been as disrespectful as one could possibly be. It's time to slash and burn.

You will know very quickly what the future holds (unfortunately, I think we all see - maybe you do, too? - what the future holds) in a very short period of time.

Stand up for yourself. Your kids are watching you.

Strength.

Np - You don't deserve this.

Please talk to a lawyer if you have not already.

She has gotten very used to lying.

[This message edited by redsox13 at 5:38 PM, May 2nd (Saturday)]

Sounds like your in an open marriage that you allowed and are still allowing.

It's not good for you and it's certanly not good for your kids.

It's time to expose the A to everyone.

[This message edited by toomanyregrets at 3:26 PM, February 20th (Friday)]

Man that sucks!!! That was a big step for your daughter to tell you and I hate your wife put her child in that position! Blow the lid off of the affair and 180 her today! She is using you and you do not deserve it. Time for a lawyer NP

Ultimately, this is her choice to make. You can't make her change her mind. Her children can't make her either. The waywards forum can't convince her. Her ACTIONS show that she continues to choose to hurt you over and over. Why?

Oh, she does (want to be married). She just wants a "friend" on the side to liven things up some.

Because she can choose to have this. She gets to sit on the fence between the two of you and cake eat. In the meantime, you compete for her as does music boy.

Do you really want to give her three uninterrupted weeks to have time with him? Followed by being welcomed home where she can continue to hide the fact that the A still isn't over all while continuing her fencesitting, cakeeating ways? Don't wait. Knock her off the fence right now -- get a lawyer, file for D and let her know that breaking NC (and all of her previous actions) means that she has made her decision.

BTW - Read this. This is how you stand up and demand the respect, honesty and love you deserve.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=554465

Oh, she does (want to be married). She just wants a "friend" on the side to liven things up some.

NP5, tell your wife to stop sneaking around with the affair and skyping. Just tell her to do it in the open, at the dinner table, wherever she please because everyone already knows.

There is no reason to hide it. Take the fun out of it, take the excitement of sneaking around out of the affair.

Tell the whole world, tell her everyone knows, and to just stop hiding it.

I am so sorry you are in this position. You did what I could not do and I applaud you for it. I do hope your WW gets out of her fog, though, and returns to you and your children. It would help DD to see you two being kind to each other, loving each other, sincerely working on R. That is my hope and prayer for you!

(((notperfect5)))

It would help DD to see you two being kind to each other, loving each other, sincerely working on R.

No it wouldn't. It would help if they managed to be civil after the divorce, but it absolutely does not help the kids if Dad models being a doormat. I always cringe when I read such spectacularly bad advice on here.

Your WW crossed a major line. Take the opportunity these next three weeks to prepare and practice being a single father. Put a plan together with friends, family, whomever to figure out the logistics of taking care of your kids. Talk to your kids about you needing their help around the house. Rally them like a team.

I'm serious.

Get a D plan together with your lawyer and decide on a time to file. This OM is a real creep and he has dragged your WW down to his level. Protect your kids.