SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This part troubles me a bit:

I found some bizarre internet searches she made such as "how to be a mistress", "what are the rules of an affair", "how to seduce a married man", etc and I confronted her on that. She told me that she was trying to find ways to spice up our marriage since we had such a rough patch

.

Her explanation is simply not credible. The toughest part of an affair is dealing with lies, and reconciliation cannot begin until they stop.

You know you own situation, and seem certain of your path. I don't want to dissuade you from that. But the ex-prosecutor in me doesn't believe her explanation about this, and the fact she hasn't volunteered that she was lying then troubles me more. It suggests she hasn't told you all of the truth.

My story is similar to yours in some ways: discovery through internet searches and cell phones. She would be distant and then be very loving. All the while the affair planning went on in my case. You discovered this, she did not confess to you despite the fact you confronted her on multiple occasions. This is evidence of a degree of callousness larger than I think you understand. I learned the hard way, through several more D-Days. I hope you do not suffer the same: I fear you are setting yourself up.

Strength whichever path you choose.

Her explanation is simply not credible. The toughest part of an affair is dealing with lies, and reconciliation cannot begin until they stop.

That was her explanation when I confronted her initially long before the truth came out, and it wasn't credible. After D-Day she admitted the real purpose of those searches.

This is evidence of a degree of callousness larger than I think you understand. I learned the hard way, through several more D-Days. I hope you do not suffer the same: I fear you are setting yourself up.

I agree, to this day I really don't understand how she could be so cold to me. She found ways to fool herself into believing she wasn't hurting me by blaming the stress I was under on something else; she convinced herself she wasn't the cause of my stress. I've read the Fog, I think thats a lot of it.

Despite what others on this thread think, after all I've been through, I'm not so fucking stupid to believe her if there was even a shred of doubt in my mind, I would keep digging like I did before. Also, she couldn't hide her shame and guilt from me before, I don't believe she would suddenly be able to if there was still such a huge secret between us.

But, its my funeral if I'm wrong I guess.

[This message edited by MrNotASlut at 7:42 PM, March 12th (Thursday)]

As people keep saying here every one makes their own choices. You choose to believe rightly or wrongly your spouse.

You know her. You felt when there was an issue, you don't feel it now. How you go forward is your choice.

Im no expert I haven't confronted my partner yet but when I do it will be my choice. How we go on from it will be my choice.

I will have to live with it.

I hope I'll make the right choice, just as I hope you do.

I understand your point of view, but I still urge you to set up a surprise polygraph test (so she won't have time to do research on how to beat it etc.:)).

What have you been doing lately to improve your physical and mental strength? I hope you're taking care of yourself in these tough times!

His wife is a member, and she is reading his posts..and this thread. The chance of surprising he with a poly is zero.

No matter. She can read all she wants about how to beat a polygraph...a competent, licensed administrator..Will see through that.

Thank you for the kind replies, I'm hoping that people will begin to respect the fact that we are well into our reconciliation and realize that some of the things that are being said about my spouse isn't really appropriate.

letdownandlonely: As someone who has just recently been through what you are about to, please feel free to ask me any questions you may have. I'm not as knowledgeable as others on this board, but I'm a lot closer to the process, so I may have a perspective that others no longer have. I wish you luck, I am sorry you have to go through this.

What have you been doing lately to improve your physical and mental strength? I hope you're taking care of yourself in these tough times!

Thank you for the concern, I'm hitting the weights pretty hard these days. Building up the strength and muscles that I've lost over the last 6 months. Eating healthy too, so I'm pretty good. I could barely eat for a few months, so doing much better. My appetite isn't quite back where it was, but getting there.

Also I have a new counselor, I posted a thread about her last week. Had another appointment last night, she is unbelievably helpful and positive and thats what I need. I don't need any negativity, my spouse had a couple of iffy counselors that were doing more harm than good, actually justifying her affair. Thankfully she has moved on to a better counselor as well, so all is pretty good.

confused615: My wife has already talked to a few polygraphers, I have already told her it is not necessary and she should only do it if it helps her. I don't necessarily trust those things, its a lose-lose situation in my mind; if it comes back that you are being truthful everyone says "those things aren't 100% accurate", if it falsely finds that you are lying you have no recourse, if it truthfully finds that you are lying then "those things aren't always 100% accurate" again. I guess that makes it lose-lose-lose.

I have to trust my gut, I have taken everything everyone has said seriously, but I know much more of the story than anyone on this board. If there was any doubt in my mind, or if she was acting like she was before D-Day, I'd be pursuing it-believe me.

painfulpast: You may be right that getting cheated on doesn't make me a fool, but trusting my wife was definitely a foolish thing to do when I saw what was unfolding right in front of me and choosing to do nothing about it.

[This message edited by MrNotASlut at 5:55 PM, March 13th (Friday)]

I intended no disrespect - all we can do here is make suggestions. The reality is obviously far more complex than what we read in a few paragraphs.

My main point is this: and it is born from my own experience. I can understand how someone could have an affair. What is far tougher to understand is the degree of callousness and manipulation that accompanies it. We learn something about our wives when we go through this that goes to the very core of who they are - and it is not pretty. There is a risk staying with them.

I stayed with my wife, and am years down the road and am happy. Our marriage is better than it was before. But before we got there was a mountain of shit she had to go through to understand why she was capable of doing this, and a mountain of shit I had to go through to get out of denial. I was a prosecutor - in that job I learned that human beings lie really well, and human beings suck at telling when other people are lying to them, though ironically we all believe that we are special and we can tell when someone is lying. Your gut is a good guide, but I would be careful. I could write a book of cases where someone's gut was dead wrong.

I wish you well in your reconciliation.

What is far tougher to understand is the degree of callousness and manipulation that accompanies it. We learn something about our wives when we go through this that goes to the very core of who they are

This is the part I struggle with, and she is too. I've asked her a couple of times if she hated me during this whole thing. Thats the only thing that makes sense, she treated me so poorly, lied to me about it constantly, was vindictive, and played emotional tricks to make me feel guilty for even suspecting her. How could she do this to the man she had been with for 24 years and pledged to spend her life with. It baffles me. I was going to start a new thread to try to get some help dealing with this particular problem as well as getting over the fact that she essentially left me for another man for 3 months. I was nothing to her during that time, and thats a tough thing to get over.

She says she didn't hate me and it was the fog affecting her, but the cruelty of her actions during this time was unbelievable, fog or no fog. She has asked this question a few times on this board I believe (I no longer follow her threads), but isn't getting a whole lot of good advice. Hopefully independent and marriage counseling will help her come to grips with it.

I am of the opinion that it was actually a simple thing. After spending 24 years of her life with me, this guy came on to her strong, she loved the attention, and she went for it. I don't know that there needs to be any deeper explanation than that, and I'm not sure I would have behaved any differently if I was in the same situation (although I like to think I would have). We know the damage that this can do now and we have plans to deal with it if it ever happens again.

Your gut is a good guide, but I would be careful. I could write a book of cases where someone's gut was dead wrong.

Thank you for the concern, I'm being very vigilant at this point, if something suddenly changes in my gut, I will be all over it.

I intended no disrespect - all we can do here is make suggestions.

I don't think it wasn't anything you said, but comments such as this have no place here:

In my opinion you should not give her any kudos because she didn't have the chance to spread her legs for this asshole.

Some other dirt bag will toss her a compliment and perhaps this time the guy wont be so reluctant to fuck her.

Trying to paint her as some sort of unattractive troll isn't helping anyone. She's a beautiful woman who could have anyone she wants. I'm the troll in the relationship.

[This message edited by MrNotASlut at 10:18 AM, March 14th (Saturday)]

notaslut,

just my suggestion. Stop attacking people here. They have no vested interest in your relationship. They are simply trying to explain things to you based on their experience.

If you don't like it, ignore it and move on. Otherwise, people are going to be tentative and not tell you their thoughts and that's not going to help you.

These people are good people and simply trying to help.

Stop attacking people here.

Who have I attacked? I said people are posting rude comments that have no place here. There is a right way and wrong way to deliver a message, these posts were intended to hurt not help.

They have no vested interest in your relationship. They are simply trying to explain things to you based on their experience.

Please tell me how those comments are an explanation of anything.

If you don't like it, ignore it and move on. Otherwise, people are going to be tentative and not tell you their thoughts and that's not going to help you.

I don't need comments like that, I don't know how those comments help anyone. Please check out my thread with regards to informing the other BS, I received a lot of help and support by the members here without rude comments directed at my spouse. My spouse is working through this too and doesn't need to see that.

[This message edited by MrNotASlut at 6:26 PM, March 14th (Saturday)]

You guys must be SuperMiracleCouple because I'm at 2 years and I never left Hell. 6 months total and 2 months post DDay and everything is going great is usually a case of denial or rug sweeping or both. I'm just wondering if you considered that at all?

You are NOT living in the past by taking all the time needed to really properly process something as monumental as betrayal and all of the things that went with it.

You don't need to "get over it". It takes as long as it takes ( I think it might be Dr. Phil who said that)

I wish you well, but things just seem "off here"

I'm sorry you've been betrayed

I think those comments were to wake you up. You seem to be a bit of denial...something your wife sees as a possibility as well.

You are very protective of a woman who failed to protect you.

[This message edited by confused615 at 6:51 PM, March 14th (Saturday)]

Thank you for the reply.

You guys must be SuperMiracleCouple because I'm at 2 years and I never left Hell. 6 months total and 2 months post DDay and everything is going great is usually a case of denial or rug sweeping or both. I'm just wondering if you considered that at all?

We are 2 months past D-Day, we are not claiming to be healed yet, but we are working hard. We typically spend hours a day on it, we talk all night long, almost every night about this. We participate in independent counseling (check out the thread about my new counselor, she is helping me tremendously) , marriage counseling, we read, anything to help us get past this. There is no TV on in our house, we are working on this constantly in one way or another.

I have considered rug-sweeping or denial and I did suggest to my spouse that we do not proceed too fast, just take it day by day.

On D-Day, my spouse came back to me 100%, we did not separate, fight (much), disagree, long for our affair partner, etc. Recovery began 3:30 AM on January 13th with no wasted time. We are lucky, she has no feelings for this douchebag, we are free to work our way back to each other.

Our counselors, of which there have been plenty, have all said we are doing good. None of them have told us we are moving too fast, doing anything wrong, not working hard enough, working too hard, etc. Everything seems OK.

Not that it is easy, I struggle every day and so does she. I get home from work every night and there is this tension between us, I'm stressed out about what I've been obsessing about all day and so is she. We do not ignore it, we do not bottle it up, we discuss, sometimes until 1AM. And we feel better after discussing it. I will often ask her during our discussion, do you feel better? Are you still stressed out? If she is still stressed out, or I'm still stressed out, we keep talking until we both feel better. And eventually, we always do.

We are not SuperMiracleCouple , but I want her back, I want us back. She tells me she wants the same. I am willing to work on this for as long as it takes. If she wants out (which I've asked several times), then we are done. If she's lying (which I've also asked several times), we are done. As of right now, things seem pretty good for full reconciliation and eventually a better marriage than ever before. There is nothing super or miraculous about it.

People need to put their petty squabbles aside and fight for what they want. I am fighting real fucking hard at this point for my marriage. I'm still in hell, believe me, I can't believe this has happened. Just because my anger or frustration does not come across in my posts doesn't mean it isn't there. Just because the stress and tension my spouse and I live with every day don't come across in our posts, doesn't mean it isn't there.

I wish you well, but things just seem "off here"

I see people who continue to fight while trying to reconcile as being "off here". Either reconcile or don't. If you choose reconciliation, then stop fighting, and start reconciling.

I'm sorry you've been betrayed

Thank you, me too.

I think those comments were to wake you up. You seem to be a bit of denial...something your wife sees as a possibility as well.

Then these posters can use constructive comments to wake me up. Comments that inflict emotional pain on me or my spouse are not appreciated.

Re-read those comments, tell me how helpful those are.

I have never been in denial throughout all of this. I tried, before I knew the truth. I tried to believe my spouse and her explanations for all the evidence I found. I could not do it. I even tried meditation and prescription drugs to try to get past the stress. Nothing worked, I knew something was up and I pursued it until I had the truth. Once the truth was out, I have worked non-stop on getting the full truth and reconciliation.

Where is the denial?

I have all the evidence, all the facts, I believe my wife. She will probably take a polygraph anyway, I don't care either way. I think she is being bullied to take the polygraph by people on this board. So be it, although I don't believe she should take the test to appease the people here, she should take it to ease her suffering a bit, if she thinks it will.

You are very protective of a woman who failed to protect you.

Yes I am, she is my wife.

I agree confused0615.

My involvement in this thread is done.

I wish the best for the OP.

I am wondering what he is asking from us....

Western: But you didn't answer my questions. You gave me recommendations on how I should behave on these threads, when I pose counterarguments, you decide your involvement in this thread is done??? Why don't you respond and enlighten me if I am being so unreasonable.

confused615: I hope you will take the time to at least respond appropriately. I believe I have given a reasonable response to your concerns, please tell me where I am wrong.

A puzzling question from Western:

I am wondering what he is asking from us....

From my very first post on this thread:

another poster asked for my story, so here it is.

[This message edited by MrNotASlut at 9:19 PM, March 14th (Saturday)]

ok I guess I am not done.

Here is my dilemma with this thread. I will state it point by point

1) We are all here to help you. Truly we are.

2) You gave us your story. It is sad and we can all relate. You are on a board with a bunch of people who are betrayed spouses and a few wayward ones who are remorseful

3) In your story, you didn't ask us anything. We normally get 'is she still cheating on me ? 'how can I prove she is cheating on me ?' Is this reconciliation the right thing to do ?' and so on. But you didn't ask these things.

4) I have seen noone on here slamming your wife. On some threads, people do and some original posters are happy about that. However, in your thread, people have been pretty tame compared to other threads. But in your last few posts, you have called certain comments out of bounds in a thread dealing with a bunch of betrayed spouses who have not slammed your wife.

So I am going to ask you, do you have questions for us ?? Are you just telling us your story ???

Please, if you are just telling us your story, we would love to hear it. Every story, we live and learn and it helps us too.

If there is something we can do to help you, ask away.

Your story is several days old and is only 2 pages long on this thread because we don't know what you want and if we express an opinion, it's out of bounds.

Your story is close to being on page 9 of this thread unless you tell us what you want.

Again, I feel badly you are here. You don't deserve that. However, what advice can we give you so we can make this a constructive exchange ?

Thank you for the reply Western, I appreciate it, I honestly do.

I don't believe if you express an opinion, it is out of bounds. Opinions such as this are out of bounds:

In my opinion you should not give her any kudos because she didn't have the chance to spread her legs for this asshole.

Some other dirt bag will toss her a compliment and perhaps this time the guy wont be so reluctant to fuck her.

I have never had an issue with an opinion if it has been delivered in a positive way. The above opinions are designed to hurt, they are painful to me and my spouse. How can anyone in their right mind believe comments such as this help in any way.

Otherwise, I have strongly considered every comment that has shown up in my threads. If I disagree, I will disagree, if not, I will take action on it. Early on, posters encouraged me to be diligent in obtaining the truth from my wife-which I have, and have recommended I contact lawyers and file divorce papers-which I have not. All those recommendations are fine with me, I will take what I need and leave the rest. Any other recommendations/discussions, I am happy to participate in, but listening to comments from posters that would normally result in me knocking someone's fucking block off in real life isn't going to cut it with me. Having a little tact and respect in these forums isn't too much to ask in my opinion, especially when those that are reading them may be triggered by those sorts of comments.

I am just telling my story in this thread, a request made of another poster (which I no longer see here anymore, maybe has been banned). I am happy to discuss my story if anyone is interested, but if this thread ends up on Page 9 thats OK too. I have and will open threads to discuss specific issues if I need to.

Thank you again for reaching out a bit.

"Trying to paint her as some sort of unattractive troll isn't helping anyone. She's a beautiful woman who could have anyone she wants. I'm the troll in the relationship. "

NO YOU ARE NOT. And if she is Cindy Crawford why is she shacking up with some contractor who is willing to screw a married woman behind the scenes?

If she is so great, why didn't she tell you she was unhappy and divorce you?

Take it from someone on DDay #3. Your wife has an empty pit that can only be filled by trash. That will only change if she goes into IC and gets the help she needs to figure out what she is lacking. Do not get me wrong, she CAN change. But not like this.

You must know and believe: You did nothing to deserve this.

Lastly, I remember reading something that has never rung truer to me. Think about the first time you kissed anyone. Your wife, your first girlfriend, etc. The first kiss is the hardest hurdle. Once you get past that the rest is pretty easy, especially if you're an adult. Why would they go through all of this ONLY to kiss. It doesn't make sense. It's been said on here forever: When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

I hate to tell you, she is still lying. Please, please, please believe this. If you want your marriage to work, this path you two are on is not going to lead to that result.

Best of luck to you. Know that everyone here is just trying to help.

And if she is Cindy Crawford why is she shacking up with some contractor who is willing to screw a married woman behind the scenes?

I don't know, I wish I did. Just because she's beautiful doesn't mean she's got her head on straight.

We've talked, she was fully committed to this affair, and to whatever it lead to. If it went too far, it was over for us. If this guy wasn't a douchebag, but actually a nice guy, it was over for us. She has admitted to this, doesn't say much to the state of the marriage, or me does it? She was willing to throw 24 years away for a douchebag with no possible future.

Your wife has an empty pit that can only be filled by trash. That will only change if she goes into IC and gets the help she needs to figure out what she is lacking. Do not get me wrong, she CAN change. But not like this.

She is in counseling, so am I, we are working hard and will be OK.

You must know and believe: You did nothing to deserve this.

Thank you for this, I saw it happening and chose to trust her. Big mistake. I did nothing to deserve it but I sure as hell let it happen.

I hate to tell you, she is still lying

I know it seems unlikely, but I'm sure its the truth. It wasn't for a lack of trying on both parts though, the affair just sort of fizzled rather than flourished. If it did flourish, I'd be going down the divorce route right now, so I can be happy about that.