SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I haven't posted yet to this thread, and there is not a lot that I can add, but I will say these few things:

You are correct that you are being challenged more than you are being emotionally supported. But that is due to your perceived state of mind--what I mean, is that you *appear* past the shocked and crushed state, and like nononsense stated...more like in a reconciling stage.

So, what the members are doing here is "challenging" you with your decisions. Believe me, if you were in a state where everyone felt you needed man hugs and pats on the back, they would be doing so. They really are looking out for your best interests...although I absolute understand why you are asking yourself these questions.

That aside, the one piece of advice that I can offer you...and this really revolves around your wife...is that she has an IC that constantly challenges her. It can't be someone that just makes her comfortable. It has to almost be the opposite...without coming of as a non-caring asshole. And I say this from a position of experience---a poor counselor can do more damage than good...and it often takes more than one to find a correct *fit*.

I am glad that you called out her prior counselor. Actually, I hope that SHE called her out. You don't have to be privy to all that goes on in those sessions, but that counselor has to be a good fit for you, also. You have to feel comfortable/confidant that not only is your wife trying in IC, but that the IC is trying hard with your wife.

I hope that makes sense.

Is your WW actually going to see an IC? or is she only doing IC over the phone?

If it's over the phone..why?

I think there are a lot of benefits to seeing a therapist in person, as opposed to over the phone.

Whatever advice you are seeking might be more easily understood there because in this JFO forum most of he people have truly just found out, are not dealing with totally cooperative truthful spouses

That makes sense, maybe I'll ask for this thread to be moved, or just closed.

As far as me saying brother, there was no intent to insult or patronize.

I didn't take offense to that, it actually gave me a sense of being cared for a bit.

that you *appear* past the shocked and crushed state, and like nononsense stated

I'm not, believe me, we just had another shitty night in a long line of shitty nights. I'm still shocked and crushed and beat her up (not literally) pretty good about it this evening.

she has an IC that constantly challenges her.

Thats a good one, I don't know if he challenges her or not, will ask.

is she only doing IC over the phone?

If it's over the phone..why?

Over the phone, never thought of going to one in person. We go to MC in person. Will look into this too, just hate to ask her to switch again at this point now that she has someone who actually seems to be helping a bit.

Thanks again everyone. A little side note, something I noticed today, certain songs take on new meaning for me these days, lyrics that didn't matter to me before, suddenly hurt like hell.

A little side note, something I noticed today, certain songs take on new meaning for me these days, lyrics that didn't matter to me before, suddenly hurt like hell.

When you're happy you listen to the music. When you're sad, you listen to the lyrics.

Along with so many other things the affair tainted in my life, a huge one was music. I was either wondering the whole song, if this was "their song"......not even knowing if they had a song. Or becoming so sad by the lyrics I would have to turn it off.

That has gotten better too. Thank goodness I would actually like to enjoy music again.

February was 2 years since Betrayal #1, which I actually think of as when I was murdered & died.....but anyways getting back on track here. I still won't ride in a car with a radio on. It has to be CD's. And I prefer it to only be CD's I know well, so I know which songs to skip right over. It's just one of my many ways of trying to limit my potential for trauma Triggers. If I'm on my way somewhere, why take the risk something might come on the radio that will trigger me or trigger me hard.

Yes, 2 years and I still have severe trauma, even before this latest betrayal of everything gained the last 2 years. Thanks you self absorbed back stabbing heart shattering soul murdering husband (mine)

She is trying to understand why she did what she did

Ok, I just have to comment on this one part you put in your original post.

To me, when a WS or cheater says they don't know why they did it, I call bulls***

They know why, they just don't want to admit it.

She is trying to save face by telling you this. Don't buy it.

I just think there's a lot to be said for seeing an IC in person, as opposed to talking to someone on the phone.

There's a reason for the saying, "phoning it in."

Mr Not A Slut

Your are not that far out and you are going to have a lot more shitty nights.

Even if you are 100% convinced your wife did not have sex with OM, in many cases the lies and deceit are worse. They were and are for me.

My wife was a sexually active person before I got married, and I had no illusions that if she was willing to go on a cheating website, go to a hotel and meet another man for sex that she was prepared to do everything.

What hurts the most is all the lying and deceit. The telling me she loves me and then spending the afternoon banging someone else.

Like i said, I hope you are right and i guess unless something changes drastically you will never truly know, but your shitty nights ain't going away any time soon.

Hopefully some day they will.

Duplicate.

[This message edited by notaslut at 8:10 PM, March 20th (Friday)]

Sorry, I screwed up, disregard this message.

[This message edited by notaslut at 8:16 PM, March 20th (Friday)]

When you're happy you listen to the music. When you're sad, you listen to the lyrics.

Yep, never noticed much before, but lyrics suck:

Easy for you to say, your heart has never been broken, your pride has never been stolen.

Take a walk outside your mind, tell me how it feels to be the one who turns the knife inside of me.

Oh well, gotta move on.

She had some IC today and it seemed to really help her, he is challenging her a bit (which someone asked about), so thats good. We are gonna have a group session with this guy I think, which is against the rules I think, but seems to be OK as long as she is there. I think it will help.

Thanks you self absorbed back stabbing heart shattering soul murdering husband

Sorry , its amazing how how all those early promises about loving/staying together forever are forgotten when the going gets tough.

To me, when a WS or cheater says they don't know why they did it, I call bulls***

They know why, they just don't want to admit it.

She knows why she did it, and she is admitting it now, so thats good.

you will never truly know

I guess nobody can know for sure, but I'm about as certain as I can be.

in many cases the lies and deceit are worse.

Yes, and the feeling that she tossed me aside like a piece of trash without a second thought is particularly hard to get over. She had an agreement, a contract, with this douchebag, they discussed how they would meet up, how the affair was to take place, how to keep it secret, etc. The fact that she had discussions like that, that she had a boyfriend for 3 months, is tough to deal with. All the while she was telling me how wonderful I am.

Anyway, good luck to all. I'm gonna open up a thread in the reconciliation folder to get some help dealing with the feelings of betrayal and humiliation. Thanks again to everyone, despite everything I do appreciate the advice.

It's sad what happened to you. I wish you the best bro

MNAS, I understand about not wanting rude comments towards your wife.

But I don't think they have been any worse than things you have said yourself. Even though not directed at your wife, and this is just one example, you called cheaters a "f'd up breed", "cheaters suck", etc.

You realize you are also applying this to your wife. So perhaps if you don't want rude comments about your wife, you might tone down what you say about cheaters in general, because your wife can't be excluded from the pool of cheaters as a special exception.

Having said that, you already said you feel gaslighted, so what do you want to happen? You want to R? Or have you thought about divorce? I mean really, she went after a guy just doing work for you. And that was in full view. I'd hate to wonder what she'd do if she were in another state out of sight, out of mind, and found a guy attractive.

Are you now fully certain that she never had sex with OM?

Condoms in pursue? Burner phone?

All signs of PA.

I've read this thread a few times and do feel OP got beat up a bit unfairly so didn't dig further, but that's the one fact I never understood.

Maybe she bought those on one of those days when she thought OP was going to be away and she was going to consummate?

My dday was Jan 9th and my gut had been telling me for a year and a half that something was wrong. I was told that it was an EA with some physical contact but no sex. OW contacted me and told me that H had stopped it before it got to far. I believed her and H. My instincts/ gut feeling told me this was all that happened. I was devastated but never once felt like their was more. Months later, after questioning him repeatedly and trying to understand how this good man could do this to me, I found this site. My situation was much different than the other stories I read but after a while I decided to post my story.

I was so pissed at the responses I got. I felt that theses strangers though I was nothing but a fool but I tell you that was I opened my mind to what they were saying that gut feeling came back. Read my posts and you'll see by pushing for more info my world crumbled over and over again. I believed that I had the whole story in Jan. I was wrong. Who cares if some of the comments are rude. Some of my comments were rude and one was outright crude but shit, they were right on.

Like you, I'm still in a world of pain but at least I'm a whole lot closer to the "truth". Sending you ((hugs))

If I had a $1 for every story that started with "but no sex" and later discovered it was "lots of sex"!

Condoms and burner phone?!?! You might be the one in a thousand but ALL of the other 9,999 with condoms and burner phones were having sex.

I don't mean to be rude. Just trying to get you to see it.

[This message edited by demos at 3:20 PM, June 9th (Tuesday)]

Here's the thing. People here are not rude at all. They come off rude because let's face it, for most people in this forum this subject is a touchy subject. But the people talking about it are as informed as you'll find anywhere on the internet, and caring enough to stick around and help others.