SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't know, I wish I did. Just because she's beautiful doesn't mean she's got her head on straight.

Being beautiful means absolutely nothing if your core is lacking.

We've talked, she was fully committed to this affair, and to whatever it lead to. If it went too far, it was over for us. If this guy wasn't a douchebag, but actually a nice guy, it was over for us. She has admitted to this, doesn't say much to the state of the marriage, or me does it? She was willing to throw 24 years away for a douchebag with no possible future.

^^^^ And you still believe she was willing to risk all of this for NO SEX? And no - it says NOTHING about you. It speaks volumes about HER.

She is in counseling, so am I, we are working hard and will be OK.

Actually - you don't know that. It's way too soon.

Thank you for this, I saw it happening and chose to trust her. Big mistake. I did nothing to deserve it but I sure as hell let it happen.

No you didn't!!! She chose to cheat. you did not *let* anything happen. Did she say to you "Hey honey, can I cheat?". If that's the case and you said "Sure", then yes, you let it happen. But that is not the case.

I know it seems unlikely, but I'm sure its the truth. It wasn't for a lack of trying on both parts though, the affair just sort of fizzled rather than flourished. If it did flourish, I'd be going down the divorce route right now, so I can be happy about that.

Are you sure this isn't your self preservation kicking in? If she didn't sleep with him I can stay, if not I can't so choose to believe it was less than it was? And why didn't it flourish? Did he kick her to the curb? It very, very rarely just fizzles out.

Hi again Mr. My brain is just starting to come into a bit of focus by what I meant when I said something just seems "off" here.

Just as a start for now. We are not allowed to bring anything here from the Wayward forum so I can't post any detail, but let's just say that there's something your wife said that really just halted me in my tracks. As betrayed spouses, sometimes there are things we hear our betrayers say that to US has a deeper meaning. Something I read, if it were my husband saying it, what my brain would have heard was "get over it".

So, in that one small example one of my fears for you is that if or when some of these feelings nearly all of us have at some stage after being betrayed begin to manifest in you that you might not be expecting them and your wife might not either. Examples of some of these feelings. Well, there's going through the anger/rage many of us do and it can be quite intense and it can come out of nowhere without a moments notice........ or there's the rehashing over and over with questions questions and more questions.....and often its questions we've already asked numerous times, and I then think it's possible that that your wife's reaction might show some different colors than what you are seeing now and you will be very hurt and also faced with some more new realities. OR, that you will attempt to stuff and stifle what your brain and heart are attempting to process.

Another fear. I know for myself and for many us, I could be hit 4 months down the road with "oh my god no, this has really happened" and it's like you're feeling it all over again like it JUST happened and the feelings are very extreme. And then a week later, a month later, 3 months later, 6 months later, we can have that EXACT same "oh my god, no" all over again. I also fear for you if this happens and what kind of reaction you will get and if you will be "safe" to have these type feelings for as long as it takes your mind to process this type of extreme trauma related to betrayal.

Along these same lines, I fear for you that you are so honorably putting your faith 100% into this so quickly, that further NEW truths, actions, lies, realizations, details, etc etc etc will really hit you HARD. And following that you may then be even further pained by the response you might get.

Anyway, just some of the thoughts that I have right now that I wanted to convey. It's late and I'm tired and I hope I was able to write well enough that you are able to understand my meaning.

And I'm too lazy right now to back through this and edit so please forgive all typos and incorrect autocorrects

[This message edited by NoMoreMe at 1:03 AM, March 15th (Sunday)]

OP

I realise you can't get everything about your situation across sometimes, but it does seem that you are prepared to move on from the cheating so very quickly. It comes across as though you really don't want to know if anything more happened, for a subconscious fear to protect yourself. Because quite honestly although many may disagree , finding out if your W slept with the OM is likely to be more devastating and harder to work through. The guys don't want you to be in denial, so they deliver the message very hard.

Your W was extremely deceptive during the A, as would be expected, but when you knew something was wrong she didn't appear to even get scared you'd find out, she just became more sneaky buying the secret phone.

At this juncture many in that situation would think 'you know what, this isn't worth it, my H is onto me and I'm not risking it', but she continued. Like she was hooked on him and nothing was going to stop her. There's a lot to unpick here.

It's like a shoplifter being followed round the shop by security and instead of leaving the shop because they've been spotted being suspicious, they return the next day with a bit of a disguise and steal something.

I fully understand how some words used by posters are hurtful to you, especially as you are trying to reconcile. I think they really just don't want you to ignore certain actions and get the truth from her now, rather than not ever getting it or having trickle truth which will be more painful for you.

A fairly consistent theme I notice here on SI and other forums, is that when a guy starts a thread, it's mostly guys who respond and vice versa. Generalisations are not permitted here, but if you read threads started by men and those started by women especially in JFO, where mainly the same gender as the thread starter responds, you'll notice there is a big difference in how the two genders deliver the same message.

You're not gonna get it sugar coated and the words can seem brutal, is basically what I'm saying.

Good luck

cali11895:

Being beautiful means absolutely nothing if your core is lacking.

Agreed.

^^^^ And you still believe she was willing to risk all of this for NO SEX? And no - it says NOTHING about you. It speaks volumes about HER.

The sex would have happened eventually I'm sure. Like all cheaters, she didn't think she'd get caught, in her mind she wasn't risking anything. One of her two confidants during all of this asked her what she would do if I found out, she told them I wouldn't and probably had a good chuckle about it at the time.

It does speak volumes about her, I know that. She is trying to deal with it, to determine why she did what she did. It was the fog I'm sure, I don't believe it is anymore complicated than that, but she has to come to whatever conclusion she comes to on her own.

Actually - you don't know that. It's way too soon.

I get that, but I am confident.

She chose to cheat. you did not *let* anything happen.

I get that too, I just wish I put a stop to this way back when it was clear something was going on. I should have stood up for myself and my marriage way back then. That won't happen again, we have our plans on how to deal with this in the future.

Are you sure this isn't your self preservation kicking in? If she didn't sleep with him I can stay, if not I can't so choose to believe it was less than it was? And why didn't it flourish? Did he kick her to the curb? It very, very rarely just fizzles out.

Read her thread, she posted some details on what happened, but once the job was done and there was no need for the douchebag to be here, he very well couldn't just show up every day and park his truck out on the road without raising suspicions. This guy knew how to keep a low profile, he was constantly asking my spouse if he could come over to check on this or that in relation to the job he did. If he could find a way to justify being in my house, he would have been here, but it never happened.

She also couldn't check her phone at night when she was with me, so when he texted/called her at night, she never received it until the next morning when I went to work. I thought I was rebuilding my marriage during that time, so I was very attentive to her, and was with her as much as possible, this limited her options a bit.

The douchebag has a wife and family too, so he wasn't necessarily available at the drop of a hat either, their schedules just never synced up. There was a day in mid December that may have worked for them both, but I luckily asked her to stay home with me that day (again, me being attentive and paranoid), which killed that opportunity. There was also a week late in December where the douchebag had his house to himself, but I was home during this time, so that killed that opportunity as well for them.

I have no doubt that if they managed to meet up a couple of these times, we would be having a very different discussion right now. It is not my self preservation kicking in, I thought it was over for us on D-Day, I thought it was over for us before D-Day (see my comments regarding New Years), I envisioned my life without her a lot before D-Day, I saw it as an eventuality. When the facts came out and she suddenly returned to me 100%, I was shocked by the fact that maybe it wasn't over.

[This message edited by MrNotASlut at 7:17 AM, March 15th (Sunday)]

NoMoreMe:

let's just say that there's something your wife said that really just halted me in my tracks.

...

what my brain would have heard was "get over it".

I saw what stopped you in your tracks, and I thank you for mentioning it to her. In the early days after D-Day, she had a counselor that was telling her she did nothing wrong and I needed to get over it. As far as I can tell, this counselor hated men. So, in the early days, she believed that and it lead to several *discussions* where I had to tell her time and time again that the affair was 100% her fault. She even started getting indignant about it and was (not in so many words) telling me to "get over it" as you said.

My spouse is on her second counselor since talking to the man hater and things seem a little more reasonable. She isn't blaming me for this anymore and is accepting of the fact that she is responsible.

there's going through the anger/rage many of us do and it can be quite intense and it can come out of nowhere without a moments notice........ or there's the rehashing over and over with questions questions and more questions.....and often its questions we've already asked numerous times, and I then think it's possible that that your wife's reaction might show some different colors than what you are seeing now and you will be very hurt and also faced with some more new realities. OR, that you will attempt to stuff and stifle what your brain and heart are attempting to process.

People seem to think that I am just some sort of mild mannered guy who just accepted the affair and moved on, but nothing can be further from the truth. I went through a lot of anger/rage; I yelled/screamed at her, called her a cheater "like her mother", stormed out in the middle of the night and got drunk at a bar, I told her I met someone else, signed up for Ashley Madison (word to the wise, they don't let you deactivate your account without paying them), etc. There was also a time when I was ready to storm out, I stopped myself and said "storming out helps nobody", and went back to talk to my spouse. I still get angry but I take most of that out in the weight room.

We have also gone through the rehashing thing, initially (before we had any help), she didn't understand this and neither did I. I was bombarding her for the same information over and over again, asking the same questions in different ways. During her indignant phase, she got made at me and said she wasn't going to go over the same thing over and over again (my wife showing different colors, as you say). I explained to her that I needed to ask the questions, that they helped me, that I needed her help, and she eventually understood. I did that, I made her understand my needs at the time, not the man hating counselor that was poisoning us; so talking, as opposed to getting angry and storming out, was the right approach then. I suspect I have a good head on my shoulders and can focus our efforts in the right direction. I believe I have done more good in our 6 hour discussions than all of our counselors combined when it comes to both of us understanding what it is we are going through.

There are no attempts to "stuff and stifle", every night she asks me "what's wrong", and it begins again. We discuss and discuss and what I'm learning now are the finer details of what happened and a lot of times they send me into a funk for another couple of days. Stupid things, like now I know where she would stop the car and text the douchebag after leaving the house to go out with her friends. I drive by that site every day, so now I get to think about that every day on the way to work.

Other things have become painfully clear, just how committed she was to the affair, just her lack of concern for me. Her willingness to go into a "contract" with this guy with regards to how they would communicate, how they would keep it secret, the "rules of the affair".

Please understand, I am suffering greatly, but my mind will not let this sit. I am forever vigilant working on getting the details.

I could be hit 4 months down the road with "oh my god no, this has really happened" and it's like you're feeling it all over again like it JUST happened and the feelings are very extreme.

I get that all the time, usually when at work and my mind is on other things. Then the reality of what has happened comes out of nowhere and hits me, maybe thats why I come home in a funk a lot of the time.

that you are so honorably putting your faith 100% into this so quickly, that further NEW truths, actions, lies, realizations, details, etc etc etc will really hit you HARD.

They do hit me hard every day. I do appreciate your concern for me. Wedding vows obviously mean nothing to my spouse, but they do mean something to me. Something about "in good times and bad" and working through the difficult times together are how I see this. I nearly had a panic attack and pass out when we were at a wedding when all of this was going down, before D-Day, when it got to the point about supporting each other through good times and bad and I realized that I was all alone and nobody was supporting me through what I was going through. I hope my spouse will value her vows as much as I do one day.

Once again, thank you for your concern. I am happy to discuss this stuff, I think it helps actually, and I don't mind if people pick apart my posts looking for weaknesses in my spouse's story or our recovery, as long as its done in a constructive way.

sandylee:

it does seem that you are prepared to move on from the cheating so very quickly. It comes across as though you really don't want to know if anything more happened, for a subconscious fear to protect yourself. Because quite honestly although many may disagree , finding out if your W slept with the OM is likely to be more devastating and harder to work through. The guys don't want you to be in denial, so they deliver the message very hard.

Thank you for your concern, see my previous message in this thread, we have not glossed over this in any way. I want to know everything and I ask questions constantly. We spend hours and hours going over this. I thought the marriage was over, I was never in denial, I tried to live in denial by believing her lies, it didn't work.

I don't know how to make it not come across as I "really don't want to know" as you say, I've said it several times by now, I've been very diligent in extracting the facts from my wife. I have asked her not to spare my feelings about anything, to give me the honest truth, and it hurts a lot. But thats what I asked for, thats what I need, and thats what I'm getting. If people get the wrong impression from my posts regarding this, I don't know what I can do, I've expressed this many times and here I am doing it again.

Your W was extremely deceptive during the A, as would be expected, but when you knew something was wrong she didn't appear to even get scared you'd find out,

See my previous post regarding this as well, she honestly didn't think she would get caught. How many cheaters do? In her mind she wasn't hurting me, risking the marriage, or doing anything wrong. Its fucked up, I will never understand a cheater's mind. Like I said previously, one day maybe she will respect her vows.

You're not gonna get it sugar coated and the words can seem brutal,

Thats fine, I don't need it sugar coated, just respectful. There has to be some consideration for the affect certain comments and words may have on people here. Not just me and my spouse, but others that may be reading the threads. Certain words, certain "scenarios" that are thrown out callously can cause intense triggers, guilt, and mind movies for people that don't need any more suffering. Why is that such a bad thing? Beat me up as much as you want, but keep the graphic descriptions of certain acts out of it, it has no place. Has there been one comment made by me delivered in such a way as to hurt someone? Have I objected to any comments other than the crude ones? Have I not discussed things in an adult way that is considerate of other's feelings? Look for one nasty post from me, you will not find it, as much as I'd like to scold the cheaters on this forum I don't because it helps no one. "help not hurt".

Mr.NotASlut, I too have read your WW's thread, and frankly I think her head is full of cats.

But be that as it may, as a fellow betrayed spouse, I can tell you that she exhibits all the same characteristics my WW did right after I found out about her affair. I got the TTing and gas lighting and blame shifting...it's the same with everyone. There is nothing special about your WW, nothing at all.

I have no good advice for you, since my own experience is so fresh and raw. I can only recommend you do what I'm doing. Let go of the outcome.

Let go of the outcome and realize there is nothing you can do to force her to be a decent wife or even stay true to you. When I came to this decision you cannot believe how liberating it was.

Take the focus of her and focus your energy towards your own future, a future that may very well not include her. Stop obsessing on her and start building yourself up. Get in shape, start investing time in hobbies and interests that you gave up when you married her, start putting away money so that if this whole thing blows up and you find out she has been TTing you, you will have a cash cushion to fall back on if you need to separate.

I look at your WW's story and all I can say is there was no damn good reason why she should have done what she did. You weren't abusive, you were just a fairly normal husband. She is broken and it going to take her a lot of work to get herself right. Don't wait around too long.

When I read your posts it seems like (and I could be wrong) you're rugsweeping and minimizing this. Everyone here has been in this shit situation and know that we're trying to help and *protect* you.

You referenced her Mother. Was she unfaithful as well? If so, I hope she's talking about this in IC.

Something in your wife is broken. She has no coping mechanisms so when the A presented itself she joined in and got what she needed. Until she figures this out, she's not a safe partner. Rugsweeping and moving to R too quickly will most likely result with you having multiple DDays.

Sorry you've joined the club no one wants to be in. It sucks.

Thank you BeerParty, I may turn this around on you if you don't mind. I see in your signature that you are in the middle of a shaky "R" and that "She's trying, I'm slowly dying.".

Thats not the same situation as me. You mention that you decided to let go of the outcome and it was very liberating. If she is trying and you aren't, then what is the point? Why aren't you trying?

My spouse and I are both trying very hard, I see no point to let go of the outcome as you say. The outcome for both of us is a happy marriage, and that is something we both want. We are both working on this, one of us isn't sabotaging the efforts of the other, I wonder if that may be what is going on in your reconciliation. If you are in "shaky R" and she is trying, then you must be the one making it shaky. If you want reconciliation, work on it, don't sabotage it. I posted this yesterday, I don't understand people who are attempting to reconcile that then spend all their time fighting, its counter-intuitive to me. Its a self fulfilling goal, if you are confident you will be successful, you will be. If not, then you won't be.

My focus is on us, but my focus is also on me and also on her. I lost a lot of weight, muscle, and strength through out all of this. I'm building it back now. I (almost) have my appetite back. I'm getting to the point where I don't think about this mess constantly. I'm going to try to start spending time with friends again. I'm starting to not panic when she spends time with her friends.

All of that is progress, I feel no need to cut and run.

There is no reason she did what she did and we are working on that as well.

You referenced her Mother. Was she unfaithful as well? If so, I hope she's talking about this in IC.

Yes she was, I don't know if she has brought that up in independent counseling, but maybe she will.

Mr. Not A Slut

I also have read all her posts. None of us can really know what happened. What a lot of us are saying is that there are a few things that make this seem a LITTLE far fetched on her story

(1) she was a SAHM, as was my WW, which means she had a LOT of spare time with you not around.

(2) her OM was a contractor. Any contractor that does work on houses that I have ever known is is not tied down in one place where he has no freedom of movement over three months.

(3) your WW went to the trouble of even getting the burner phone to deceive you further.

Now, its great you are talking and all that, but it is just hard for some of us to believe two adults that committed to all that deception and communication could not find ANY time to meet other than December when you were home. He did not have to have his wife out of town to meet your wife somewhere other than his house.

Now, apparently, your wife has offered to take a polygraph. Why don't you simply take her up on her offer???????

If yo don't, I agree that there is no more advice that anyone can give you. You have accepted her explanation, which is your right to do, I am sure we all hope it works out.

There is no reason she did what she did and we are working on that as well.

^^^^^THIS IS 100% WRONG.

There IS a reason she did what she did and it has nothing to do with you. She has poor boundaries and no coping mechanisms. She was filling a void. What is that void? Until she figures this out in IC you have more of a chance that she will do this again than not.

It's one thing to be all in for R. But that doesn't mean you should have blind faith in the person who dropped a nuclear bomb on your life.

Mr.,

First off, this is your battle. You can choose to handle it anyway you want. However, everyone here is somewhat shocked by your defensiveness about the way you're handling it.

And almost every time you defend it, you write something new that generates a collective groan. That groan is the forum saying no, no, no, man.

The very first step toward R is the truth. Most here don't think you have it. Personally I think it's easier for you to accept, so you've moved on.

I know you can't share everything and every discussion, but it feels as though you're saying, if we work on it, everything will be better.

Unfortunately brother, bad marriages happen every day and cheating doesn't occur. It takes a broken person to cheat. Not a broken marriage. A broken person.

Until she resolves that, what is broken in her, nothing you do will matter. I know you're doing what you think is best, and I'm glad you speak in absolutes like 100% and "we're gonna be OK.". That's an optimist. But what your marriage needs isn't optimism at the exclusion of realism.

Make her work. Make her find remorse. Make her find the motives and fix herself.

The honest painful truth is that if she does the work, she may discover that she doesn't want you.

I just hope you realize that this is far far from over.

I'm rooting for you, and I get your desire to be optimistic (a great human quality). Just don't fool yourself into thinking your marriage will be OK.

Good luck brother.

I am working on my R, nd my WW and I are slowly building a new relationship. Its not always easy, sometimes we digress, but we are making incremental progress.

You misunerstand what I mean about letting go of the outcome.

We are both in MC. She is in IC weekly, and we have also begun going to sex therapy... which is helping us restore our intimacy. We are communicating now better than we ever have. But I am not tying my expectations to a good outcome on these things.

By letting go of the outcome, I know that if we do all this work, and she still decides to end our marriage or cheats again, I can walk away knowing that my actions or inactions had nothing to do with her decisions. I can finish the divore and walk away knowing that I did my part in trying to restore our reltionship. I can move on with my life without any lingering guilt.

I truly hope you take everything I am about to say gently.

I am not judging your wife as a person but as a WW. I think you have gotten offended as though people are attacking her personally amd not her actions.

It seems ti me that you love your so very much. So much in fact it makes me wonder about codependency in your marriage. It could be something to bring up. You may not even be aware of it yet.

I to am approx 2 months out from FINAL DDAY. There were three total. I felt the exact same as you. I knew my gut would tell. I could sense these things. BUT I WAS WRONG AND THEM AGAIN. I rug swept the first two times it was only dating sites I justified it as equivalent to porn. But I didnt find out about the PA (2. Ons) untill ueats after they had happened.

To me it sounds like tou are so desperate for marriage to be saved that you are willing to over look things.

You may feel fine now because you are "starting over" maybe your new plans for the future give the lusty feeling of your relationship in the beginning.

I understand some people may have been hatsh and every situation is different. But remeber that everyone of us are here for the same reason. We just all took different paths getting here.

You are right to take the advice you can use and leave the rest. But what if your wife is doing a false R. I meam she researched this shit. Yoi dont research how to have an A. Maybe she got caught this time so now she knows how to hide it better. Maybe there are certain issues that caused this to be a one time thing.

I my opinion you should hope and pray for the best but also prepare for the worst. I would consult a lawyer even a couple so if she does betray you again you have the upper hand.

It also sounds like on some level that you are willing to look past this due to your own issues. Whther you think this could trigger something from the past or your to scared to deal with pain. Which is okay.

No matter what you decide at this point know that you are in way early stages of R. Anything can change. Especially your emotions and feelings. Be prepared. I truly widh the best but am so scared you are only looking at the positive and not whay could possibly be the truth.

If you find out she is lying or still up to no good it is so much harder the secomd time. Just because you stand up and protect your heart untill you can teust her with it is ok.

I truly wish you the best and remeber nobody is claiming to be a dr or therapist. All the recommendatio s and opinions come from people who have lived it first hand.

Remeber nobody thinks theor lived ones are capable of horrible crimes. But remeber every horrible person was loced by someone

Thank you for the replies, I do appreciate the thoughts, I had to go see what SAHM meant. There seems to be a lot of underlying sentiment that I've been rug sweeping, hiding from the truth of the affair, only looking at the positive side of things, etc. Please read my previous posts in this thread, I have discussed all of these and we are dealing with all of this. Its interesting how nobody mentions how we deal with our misery every day, the plans we have made to avoid this situation again, our counseling etc. Its all there, if there is something you disagree with or you feel is lacking in our recovery, please let me know but implying we aren't dealing with any of this isn't really fair.

Now, apparently, your wife has offered to take a polygraph. Why don't you simply take her up on her offer???????

Its not my decision, first of all, I believe her. I have told her to take the polygraph if it helps her, not to help me and certainly not to satisfy the users on this board.

If yo don't, I agree that there is no more advice that anyone can give you.

Are you suggesting I'm not worthy of receiving advice if I don't force my spouse to take a polygraph? I suspect that there is lots of advice that lots of people can give me regardless of whether or not my spouse takes a polygraph.

There IS a reason she did what she did and it has nothing to do with you. She has poor boundaries and no coping mechanisms. She was filling a void. What is that void? Until she figures this out in IC you have more of a chance that she will do this again than not.

Agreed and we are working on it. She is seeing a counselor twice this week to try to figure it out. We were just talking about it as well, she just finished telling me that when I'm doing something she doesn't like, she gets all snippy with me and puts up barriers between us, and I can sense this. She is wondering why she simply can't ask me to stop what it is I am doing rather than suppressing everything and getting bitchy. This sort of behaviour on her part is exactly what made her think she was justified in having the affair. We talk CONSTANTLY, we see these things, we are working on them.

It's one thing to be all in for R. But that doesn't mean you should have blind faith in the person who dropped a nuclear bomb on your life.

There is no blind faith on my part, please read my previous entries in this thread, I have been through hell and put my spouse through it too. Everyday is painful and stressful for both of us every day is a struggle. I ask her very pointed questions and she gives me very painful answers, this suggestion by everyone on this board that we are happy go lucky fools who are ignoring the after affects of this life altering event is nuts. I don't know what more I can say to make people realize who seriously we take this.

However, everyone here is somewhat shocked by your defensiveness about the way you're handling it.

And almost every time you defend it, you write something new that generates a collective groan. That groan is the forum saying no, no, no, man.

Please elaborate, I'd like to know what this new information is that is causing everyone to groan. Its the same thing over and over again: rugsweeping, trusting my spouse, moving too fast; all of which I have addressed in my thread.

I'm not being confrontational here, I'm honestly asking, what is this new information? I keep writing my shit down and everyone keeps ignoring it and posting the same questions back.

Personally I think it's easier for you to accept, so you've moved on.

I've touched on this too, I have not come this far to suddenly turn into jelly. I tried to live in denial and I couldn't, why would I suddenly be able to do so now? On a similar note, she could not hide the pain and stress of her lies before d-day, how is it that she can do so so convincingly now? You call me "Brother", I like that, feels like I'm talking to Hulk Hogan! Give a brother a little bit of credit.

So much in fact it makes me wonder about codependency in your marriage.

I've talked to my counselor about this, it is a problem, but she also told me that my behavior is understandable at this point. Once I'm secure in our marriage and trust her again, hopefully that will pass.

I am very protective of her right now, I do see that and I know it isn't right.

To me it sounds like you are so desperate for marriage to be saved that you are willing to over look things.

I haven't overlooked anything, I have pursued everything as far as I can go. I honestly don't know what people expect me to be doing at this point, I am at this 24x7 practically. I think the only thing that would make people on this site happy was if we were at each others throats all the time or I threw her out. How is that a good turn of events? Its insane, where is the support? Not one person has asked me how the recovery is going.

Mr Not A Slut

If I understand the situation correctly, you totally believe your wife. THAT IS GREAT!!!!! She has been challenged on the Wayward board and shows remorse and states you two are in agreement that you know about all the times she tried to unsuccessfullly meet up with OM.

She's offers to take polygraph . You don't need one. Ok , that is great!!!

Looks like you are in total reconciliation mode . I think you might ask MODS to moveyour thread to the R forum. Whatever advice you are seeking might be more easily understood there because in this JFO forum most of he people have truly just found out, are not dealing with totally cooperative truthful spouses , and are with good reasons of their own going to be significantly more skeptical of what your wife is saying. And it is understandable why if you are so far along and OK with all she is doing that you take offense to the tone of some of the responses.

Everyone is wishing you well and I am sure happy you are so pleased at how things are going. If it continues that way I would stop worrying about why she did it. She may never truly be able to answer that, or it might take years .

As long as you stay a bit observant and do not let anything that gets your gut in an uproar go unanswered again , it seems like the worst of your ordeal is over

[This message edited by nononsense at 7:30 PM, March 16th (Monday)]

I believe true reconciliation requires truth, at least a significant portion of it. I don't believe she is telling truth about her sexual activity with the other man, the level of physicality. Maybe not full intercourse, but more than kissing, way more than kissing.

I do not believe it is possible about being able to "sense" someone is truthful or not. My observations of other cheating is that cheaters will have sexual activity if they have motive, means, and opportunity. It is theoretical it is possible that she didn't have sexual activity, but I have not seen a single one I've seen in another forum or real-life incident, with that situation, where they didn't have sexual activity. Look at these forums, I can't remember a single one, maybe you can find one.

Theoretically she could be truthful, but I don't see any circumstantial evidence of that. She was extremely untruthful for months and she destroyed all of the evidence. She did not end the affair on her own. She only told you the truth when you caught her, and she continued to tried to lie until you showed evidence she could no longer deny. After you caught her affair, she told you to basically get over it. I have read your reason posted, but it doesn't find me convincing:

I do believe her and I didn't come to that conclusion easily. I confronted her again, we discussed it in extreme detail, and I am satisfied. She may have been a cheater and a liar, but I'm not living in the same place I was when she was cheating and lying. I do not feel disconnected from her, I do not feel like a stranger in my own house, I don't see her sneaking sleeping pills, I'm comfortable and relaxed again. She couldn't hide her lying and cheating from me before, I could sense it. I'm not sensing anything now.

She is willing to take the lie detector test. I told her it was not necessary and only to take it if it helps her.

Once again, I do appreciate the advice, but I have come to this conclusion based on all the facts (much of which I haven't shared).

If there was some type of messaging, email, anything, that tells your wife and other man saying to each other "I can't wait to meet us for the first time" would be just about the only thing I would believe she is truthful.

I do see why you would want that one aspect to be true, but I do not see how you could be so certain. You do have posted that much of which you haven't shared, so maybe you know something compelling of which I am not aware. Based on what you have posted, I don't see it. If your wife is actually truthful, to me it is a "boy who cried wolf" situation. She lied so many times and she destroyed any possible evidence she could possibly tell the truth.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 7:47 PM, March 16th (Monday)]

Mr.,

I apologize if you somehow took offense. Everyone has their own writing style and voice which lends itself to different interpretation.

I won't go int what I meant by the collective groan. There is no need to squabble. As I said at the onset of my post, you make your choices.

As far as me saying brother, there was no intent to insult or patronize. It was honestly intended to say I know what you're going through.

Good luck with everything

Mr.,

I apologize if you somehow took offense. Everyone has their own writing style and voice which lends itself to different interpretation.

I won't go int what I meant by the collective groan. There is no need to squabble. As I said at the onset of my post, you make your choices.

As far as me saying brother, there was no intent to insult or patronize. It was honestly intended to say I know what you're going through.

Good luck with everything