I have posted this before a couple of times in individual threads and have gotten a lot of good feed back on it so I thought I would share this in it's own post.
Since my Wife's sudden affair after 23 good years of marriage, I have been compulsively studying the psychology of how affairs happen in relatively healthy long term marriages. I have noticed some commonalities. Now, these commonalities wont fit everyone's situation-of course, as there are quite an array of scenarios. But this seems to be my situation and I have seen many similar stories here on SI, enough to almost be able to categorize this in it own right. What do think?
This scenario seems to be prevalent in WS's who have low self-esteem, low self confidence. Sometimes these insecurities are latent and lie dormant like Shingles waiting for everything to come into proper alignment to emerge. Sometimes they grow through the years and foment as they get older. They can cover-up or hide these unattractive and embarrassing issues from their spouse and friends very effectively for years under a maintained persona but, everyday they are constantly questioning their self worth and self image.
It seems to begin after kids have gotten older and they are in their mid 40's, and have been in the marriage 15 plus years. They see themselves as frompy minivan, SAHM Soccer moms with a lack luster, child centered, unsophisticated, unromantic life. They just finished reading Shades of Grey, Harlequin, The Days Between, or watching Same Time Next Year, or some damned Diane Lane Movie on Lifetime For Women. Their friends are having affairs, talking about their exciting affairs. Pop culture is making affairs look cool, common and classy. A new culture, The Me Generation that revolves around instant gratification and selfishness. They see their youth slipping by, pre-menopausal, rapidly approaching 50, wondering what they have missed-are missing in life. She has probably been hitting the gym pretty hard now that she has more time to spend on herself, She's probably looking better now than she ever will. She's probably getting more attention etc, etc. She may be a people pleaser, and this coupled with the low self esteem, and the constant and/or growing need for validation, erodes boundaries. New tech is now weighing-in to help insidious flirting and sexual innuendo evolve quickly, incognito, allowing paramours some anonymity to take risk, break molds and character-like the masks in Eye's Wide Shut, and goes on to help compartmentalize boundary violations and facilitate secret liaisons with state-of-the-art efficiency, and the ease of a Delete Button. Click-Sins Gone.
So now the stage is set. Then someone comes along loaded with flattery. Many times a skilled home wrecker who knows how to work the vulnerable "MILF" or "Cougar". It progresses from flattery, to flirting, texting, to sexting. It evolves insidiously, the highs get higher, the lows get lower, the excitement, the ego kibbles, the endorphans become an intoxicating drug-an addiction. These feelings are amplified 1000 times by the forbidden fruit nature of an affair. This forbidden fruit, this dangerous liaison, this high stakes surrealistic adventure, that exists in an exotic nether world, in the shadows, in romantic secret, creates an artificial high that eclipses the feelings they felt courting their beloved spouses. Some times this leads the wayward to believe that this must be true love, a love greater than that with their spouse. They begin to question their love for spouse, their marriage, their past life, their fate. They compartmentalize, rationalize ("I deserve this", "What he don't know wont hurt him") and they demonize the BS to squelch any internal conflict.
The WW then compartmentalizes her two worlds. In one world she is the matriarch of the family, the wife and the Holy Mother. In the other world she gets to be whomever she wants to be. She gets to recreate herself into what ever image she has fantasied about over the years. Fantasys she would never reveal to her wedded husband, too embarrassed to reveal. She has an image to maintain that she has built up since courtship. She gets to break out of her bride/wife/mother mold and escape her 24 year old reality.
The AP has no expectations, no pre-judgement, he is not looking for a life partner. The elicit nature of their relationship has no boundaries and allows them the freedom to be whomever, and do whatever they please.
The sex. The AP is not necessarily a better lover than the BS. Affair sex is great because of its forbidden nature and the fact that it is DIFFERENT. It is completely uninhibited, new, novel and fresh. It is anonymous to some degree allowing sexual paramours to experiment without fear. It is a new person after 24 years of sex with the same person.
This whole fantasy land affair atmosphere can perpetuate over a long period of time as long has things remain: Secret, forbidden, risky, uncomplicated, etc. The APs can become addicted and go through withdrawals just like an addict. Some affairs run their course and the WW recognizes the superficialities of the affair and end it.
My WW claims that affair sex was not as passionate and loving, and intimate as marital sex. She began to miss the marital love making we had vs. affair sex making.
So, the affair may have had had nothing to do with love for you, how you perform in bed, or what kind of a life partner you are, or what kind of marriage you had. It is about broken people, with poor self-esteem, poor boundaries, looking for validation and escape. It's about the duality of man and how some of us can easily separate ourselves from reality, from our families, from our conscience.
This propensity to cheat may have always existed within her laying dormant for years waiting for just the right moment to strike. If you decide to R. she must figure out what predisposed her to do this, isolate it, and fix it to ensure it never happens again.
[This message edited by RealityBlows at 5:23 PM, October 4th (Sunday)]
