SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found out about a month ago my wife is having an EA with a coworker. Since finding out she has been very honest. Her job requires her to work long hours for a portion of the year. We are married with 2 young kids in our middle 30's. The OM is the same age and never been married. He has helped her with some difficult times it work. She has helped him too. I have been doing everything for her to support her during the past 6 months. Including almost everything with the kids. We have been married for 7 years together for 12. We both admidt to having a very good marriage with the last year being the best. She does nor want to cut off contact with him. We tried marriage counseling but she suggested my wife go to individual. I started off doing things I shouldn't like begging. The last 2 weeks I have not asked mmany questions and not pried. She is checking in with me more through text and talk. Keeping me in the loop when she has to work late and who is there. She is wanting to do family things when she has free time including things with my extended family. I have tried to be positive and somewhat understanding. It seems like she is more willing and initiates talk then. Just tough I know she has a strong emotional connection with this guy. She wonders if it is something more. She has been very honest and nothing physical has happened. She is going to individual counseling today on her own. She says she needs to figure out how this happened to her before she can move on with us. When I don't check in she seems to check in more. She thanked me for being the rock that has kept the family together. She says if we get through this she thinks we would be better than ever with more open communication. Just not sure what I should do. Keep being as positive and normal as possible? Or put my foot down more?

Hi, Baseball24, so sorry you are dealing with this right now.

I am on my way out, but the FIRST thing your wife needs to do, and everyone here will back me up, is go NC (no contact) with this guy. There is absolutely no room for three in a marriage, ever.

Secondly, and I hate to be so blunt since you have just signed on, but many of us here were told the affair was just emotional to find out the truth later on. Keep in mind cheaters lie, minimize, cake-eat, blame, take the affair underground. If she is working long hours and this co-worker is working with her, I'd be very surprised if the A is not physical.

She needs to be an open book...giving you access to everything, emails, social media, phone, etc. Transparency is the key to rebuilding trust, because right now her words are meaningless.

Please go to the top of this page and read SerJr's Tactical Primer. Excellent post and a great place to start.

Baseball,

The answer is SIMPLE !!!! yOU PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN, not more but completely. If you read on here you will see what happens if you do not.

Right now, she is telling you that you are going to just have to accept another man in your marriage. If it has not turned physical already, it will!!!! You can count on that.

Others will follow with more specific advice and i suggest you pay careful attention and listen. And do not assume you know the entire truth. Right now, she is CAKE EATING> She is in an ongoing affair, and you are allowing it to continue.

There is no book you can buy or no advice you can get that will tell you anything but that NO CONTACT IS THE FIRST AND NON NEGOTIABLE RULE.

Right now, she has you on hold while she explores her options with her boyfriend. if you allow that to continue you will be sorry.

two words:

NO. CONTACT.

This, to me, seems so fundamental and essential. To me, this is non-negotiable.

I know she has a strong emotional connection with this guy. She wonders if it is something more.

At the risk of sounding old-fashioned, ^^this^^ isn't a self-search you should facilitate for her. If she needs to leave the family while she decides if a fantasy is real, then help her pack.

She's right about the communication. Y'all get into counseling; read some books. Communicate!

Good luck.

Don't pretend things are normal, they are not. Get the book "Not Just Friends." Read it, and tell your wife to read it. Please don't let her hang around trying to figure out if she is in love with work guy. You can't win that way. Work guy is fantasy, he's exciting. He talks about deep stuff with her, he "understands" her. He isn't part of the mundane world of childcare, dirty dishes, laundry and monthly bills. You are. Which mean no matter how awesome you are, you just can't compete with whatever romantic fantasy she has built around work guy. So get out of that competition. She is either married to you, or she is not. There isn't room for a third person. Giving her time to "decide" and "figure it out" is going to let the emotional affair become physical, if if hasn't already. You don't deserve to be treated like plan B. This relationship with the guy at work has to end, right now. If she isn't willing to do that, then she doesn't get to be married to you anymore.

That is really harsh, and it is going to be very painful for you. It isn't fair, and you don't deserve this. But this is the reality you are facing.

I am sorry to be blunt fellow new member to the club but she's not telling you anything that you don't want to hear.

She's minimizing her involvement. She has had sex with him multiple times. She has a burner phone to communicate with him. She is not who you think she is anymore. She's not your loving dedicated wife and angelic mother of your children.

MC kicked her back down to IC because she saw issues within your wife that needed to be addressed before you as a couple could continue.

Get on board immediately and knock her out of fantasy land. No contact immediately with the OM.

If we get through this.....

Does not want to break contact....

##RED ALERT##...BULLSHIT!

That language is yelling at you loud and clear. She has no intention of stopping this and she is already or had considered life without you and the kids.

So you're the rock? Her steady soldier? The guy that will always be there? Move the rock... Shake the ground... Make your presence known. This is not acceptable on any level.

[This message edited by ShellGame at 10:32 AM, April 23rd (Thursday)]

BB24,

So, she is in love with a another man. You are facilitating her love for him. Your words: 'I have been doing everything for her to support her during the past 6 months. Including almost everything with the kids.'

You stated that she is open with you (now, not before you found out) and she thanked you for being the rock that keeps the family together. Oh man, I'm truly sorry for you, but you have been friendzoned by your wife. She is so happy with you that you allow her to be in love with OM. She will enjoy intimacy with him so much, because she can do that free of guilt.

You are asking people here what to do. What would you like the outcome to be?

Just not sure what I should do.

The answer really depends on what you want. As shell pointed out there is about an 80% chance that the "ea" means that emotionally she likes his junk. But there is still a 20% chance she's being honest. First thing you need to know is that you can't nice her back.

So, given that, there are four recommended courses of action depending on what you want and if she's telling the truth:

1. You want to stay married and she's telling the truth: do everything you can aggressively to get her to open her eyes. This might include filing the petition for divorce--you can always stop it, but it may be the needed wake-up call. Call her parents and shame her. Leave notes like "I hope you don't mind when our kids call another woman 'mommy'" "Ours kids will be fine without you" Full throttle. You cannot nice her back. If she starts getting it, let us know.

2 / 3. You want to divorce and she's telling the truth or lying. Radio silence. Keep pretending nice guy. See a lawyer without letting her know. Get ahead of the ballgame.

4. You want to reconcile, BUT she's lying. Keep in mind that it really seems like this is where you're at right now. Guys usually don't take stock in emotional connection as much as chicks so you might not think this betrayal is as big as it is. But for most women I know, the emotional connect is what drives everything else, including the physical AND is more important than the physical betrayal. If this is the case I would see the things from step one, and then re-evaluate when you find out more information.

Also, look into the 180.

Baseball

What should you do?

You keep the communication open and positive.

You remain firm on what your boundaries are?

No contact. No emotional sharing. No physical relationship.

You remind her that she is married and that she made a commitment to you as well as vows that you take seriously.

But most importantly you be the best man you can be. Not needy. Not whiny.

And you let her see two things.

1. That the family will be just fine without her.

2. That you will be just fine without her as well.

When she sees the confident man in front of her that no longer nags her or whines for her she will realize the train is leaving the station without her.

Be that man!

HM

PS

No matter how demanding her job is do not forget to remind her that she is a Mom and has a responsibility as well. You and the kids come first. Not her BF.

So when she comes home be ready to walk out the door to do your own thing.

Or on a weekend make sure she knows what the kids need then go out.

O wow. These are some tough but appreciated post to read. Should I tell her tonight when she gets home cut ties tomorrow or one of us needs to get out as soon as Friday?

O wow. These are some tough but appreciated post to read. Should I tell her tonight when she gets home cut ties tomorrow or SHE needs to get out as soon as Friday?

Fixed that for you

Hi Baseball24. Very sorry you are here but welcome to the best club that no body wanted to join. I'm probably going to give you a harsh dose of reality but know what I say comes from experience and caring.

First, your wife is actively involved in an A. Doesn't matter if it's EA or PA. They are both are equally painful and will tear apart your family. As such, your #1 goal should be to get out of infidelity. The way your current situation with your WW (wayward wife) stands, things are only going to get much worse for you.

There certainly is more than one way to get out of infidelity but the most effective approach is to take a hard and fast stand with you being proactive, taking action, and leading the way. Right now, you are following whatever it is your WW wants to do and admittedly were doing the "pick me" dance. Recipe for complete and total family disaster. You have 2 young kids that you care about deeply right? Good. Because I want you to think of them with what I'm about to tell you and why you need to take action.

First and foremost, you need to see a lawyer asap. This does not mean you have to file for D. This is for educational purposes on what the laws of your state are regarding S (separation), D (divorce), and R (reconciliation). Yes all three because in many states there are legal repercussions to separating, divorcing, and yes in some states even staying knowing that your WW is having an A. You need to know the laws regarding living arrangements (especially is you end up S or even in-house separated), finances, child custody/visitation schedule, etc. These are all things that you need to know regardless of what you decide you are going to do long term. Knowledge is power. Knowing will help you make educated decisions going forward. It also takes away fear of the unknown and can even replace that feeling with that of empowerment. Again, this does not mean that you have to file for D.

Next, is your WW has to willingly leave her affair. This is not something you can force. You cannot give ultimatums or they will come back to kick you in the ass. I want you to pick up these words and live by them. In order to save your M, you have to be willing to let go. And mean it. I shit you not. Your WW is already gone my friend. She is actively involved in her A every time she sees her AP at work. Even if she says she's not she is. And clearly she is if she's presenting you with she's confused, doesn't know what to do, all the other bullshit that she feeds you. You are plan B and she's keeping you on the line. You are worth more than plan B. None of this is your fault and you are worth more. So act it!!

No more pick me dance!!! You tell your WW that you and the kids are done living in infidelity. You are putting the kids first and it's not fair to any of you in this family to have to live in infidelity. That you are leading the way out and she's welcome to join you, but in order to join you she has to first start with NC with her AP. Don't tell her that you are going to expose the affair at work but that is EXACTLY what you are going to do. Contact the HR department and let them know of the A. The affair cannot survive in the light of day. She needs to leave her job asap and since she's already told you she is not willing to do so, you make sure that they know that there is an A being carried out on work hours. Let her place of employment launch their own investigation.

Next, you notify her family and let them know that you are done living in infidelity and that you are getting you are your kids out of it. That this is not what you wanted to do, but you are left with no choice since she sees her affair partner daily. You tell her family that the reason you are telling them is that they are going to need to help support her. Because you no longer can support her while she is still conducting her A. That you are going to concentrate on you and getting the kids well.

Which leads me to, you read up on the 180 and you employ it like it's your bible. Notice that when you start to pull away she pursues you? THAT is NOT why you use the 180. You use the 180 for you to detach and get yourself into a better head space so that you can make better choices for yourself and your kids. It's to get yourself to that place where you know that no matter what happens you are going to be just fine. It will help you let go of the outcome and put you in the drivers seat to make decisions for you and the kids.

You need to continue to knock her out of her fantasy world and show her consequences for her actions. Let her know after you went to the lawyer what things could look like going forward. That you want to start to schedule business meetings with her to show you both what it's going to look like regarding living arrangements, finances, visitation schedule, who gets the kids for which holiday, etc. Doesn't mean you have to separate or D but show that you are planning for it. Show her what it will look like if she continues in the A and going to see her AP everyday. Keep that train moving forward out of the infidelity station. She can climb on board any time. But remember to mean it. Prepare yourself to walk away. No empty threats or ultimatums. Those don't work.

EAs are rare. Very rarely has "just" an EA come through here. I don't believe your WW for one second that it didn't go full blown PA at work where no one can see them, the hours, etc. She's full of shit. Seen that here time and time again. Tell her you don't believe her and insist that she gets tested for STDs and that you are going to do the same. And do it. Get yourself tested for STDs. No more relations with her untill you both get your results back.

Next, and should be somewhere at the top of your list, talk to your WW about getting your kids into IC with a child psychologist. If they are in school talk to their guidance counselors and notify them that there is trouble at home and that they should keep an eye on their end. Even if your kids don't know anything, the environment in your house has already changed between you and your WW. They do know that much. Trust me. Betrayed child here writing to you. Let your WW know that since she is not thinking of the kids and consequences that you are. Getting them into IC and notifying the school is a proactive start.

Starting with all of that ^^^^^ is how you lead the way out of infidelity Baseball24. Someone above also recommended Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. I have read that book and your WW's A is textbook and right out of Not Just Friends. Both of you should read it and see why he is not just a friend and why she needs to leave her job. Any good MC would tell you the same.

Here are some threads to get you started on SI. You can find most of the abbreviations here in the upper left corner in the Healing Library. Please check that section out.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/library.asp

Read up on the 180 so that you can start to use it. It is designed for you to detach and can be found under BS FAQ here:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

And more 180 info under the target thread here:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785

I would also recommend reading these target threads in the Just Found Out forum:

Tactical Primer

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051

Great Posts for Newbies to Read

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740

Boundaries and Consequences 101 for all new BS

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=385631

Before You Say Reconcile...

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548

For the newly betrayed

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=535178

For the foggy, unremorseful, cake eaters:

20/20 Hindsight: What I should have done when I J F O

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=446349

Codependency in the Marriage: A BS’s common mistake

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=408443

My 10,000th post - You Are Going To Be Ok

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=502703

Another Great Post for Newbies to read

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=532395

Please read these as well as prep for any sort of upcoming confrontation that you may have with your WS:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/no_contact.asp

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/boundaries.asp

Recovery Plan:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=539961

Calling all BSs...:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=514479

Choosing an IC/MC:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=544948

Hoover:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=480828

Safety thread when leaving:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=474587

I'm sorry that this is such a harsh reality but this is your new reality. You didn't ask for it. But you are going to take control and lead the way out of it with or without your WW. Preferably with your WW if that is what you both want. This is a very pro R site. You need to recover the M and get out of infidelity first and the best way to do that is to take a hard tough approach and lead the way or you will get torn apart. Take it from this betrayed child who saw his family get torn apart in more ways than on. No more "pick me" dance. You are better than that. Show it.

Keep reading. Keep posting. I'm rooting for you and your family.

yop

O wow. These are some tough but appreciated post to read. Should I tell her tonight when she gets home cut ties tomorrow or one of us needs to get out as soon as Friday?

Yes.

That's what I did. Look at my sig. WW's best friend. The best friend's mom. The best friend's brother was the OM. The first 2 were very very important people to her.

She's now in NC with all 3. At first, my WW did not get it. I put Linda MacDonald's book in her hands (How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair) and saw an immediate change and "aha!" moment.

At first, she resisted NC, but then got it.

I completely believe it is a "me or them" choice. In your case (and based on other stories I've read here, posted by other betrayed spouses), yours sounds very much like a "Me or Him" case.

She can't have both. Not unless you want an "open" marriage.

Here I am, not 5 months out, feeling like my WW & I are ahead of the healing curve that I had expected. Really.

Mine was very much in the fantasy fog. That's a real thing, I believe.

I don't know your wife, but based on what you've posted, I have doubts the affair was just emotional. I hope for your sake it was.

Good luck.

Keep posting.

Keep reading.

You're in a shitstorm. I know. Take care of YOU. Make sure you eat & sleep as well as possible.

Good luck, Baseball.

Oh. One more thing.

I like Orbit's post.

100% dead-on.

Whatever you do, don't move out.

Let me say it again:

Whatever you do, don't move out.

Your marriage is dire peril in spite of your WW's assurances. Every day she grows closer to the OM and further away from you. As others have said, she is in 'love' with him and is easing into the cake-eating mode; then she will have the OM as a lover, meanwhile planning to move out, taking the kids.

Right now she throws compliments your way, in order to dull your suspicions. Act decisively, right now, with the objective of ending all contact with OM. If necessary contact HR at her workplace and get her put on a different shift or assignment.

She says if we get through this

Note the word if. The OM is actively being considered as a replacement for you or she would not have made this comment.

Baseball,

O wow. These are some tough but appreciated post to read. Should I tell her tonight when she gets home cut ties tomorrow or one of us needs to get out as soon as Friday?

Tonight you need to tell her that you have decided that you are no longer going to live in this open marriage that she has created for you, and that you know you cannot control her. You tell her that she is free to continue to see other man, talk to him, sext with him, and fuck him (which has most likely occurred) as much as she wants to.

BUT NOT AS YOUR WIFE, AND THE MARRIAGE WITH MORE THAN TWO PEOPLE IS OVER !!!

That is not a threat. it is the non negotiable end of the game. She either takes it or leaves it and i would give her about 30 minutes to decide. She has jerked you around long enough with no consequences.

She needs to call him on the telephone with you there and tell him you know everything and it is OVER . My guess is she will refuse to do that, and if that is the case you tell her you would appreciate it if she would leave the house and go live with him NOW. IF SHE REFUSES you need to tell her you are seeing an attorney, you are not paying for MC or IC while she is actively in an affair. There can be NO WIGGLE ROOM, OR NEGOTIATION OR MORE TIME LIMITS. HER FUN IS OVER

Since he is not married, that makes it more likely this has gone PA and as OK NOW said to you, she is deciding if he is going to replace you. Right now, you are her babysitter and Plan B.

Years of Pain gave you a lot to digest in his post and it is all good. But there is a lot to read and digest. What i am recommending to you is to take it one step at a time and the first step is to FORCE her to make a decision on NO CONTACT. If she refuses the rest it meaningless, and you need to just have the attorney draw up the papers. You CANNOT reconcile with a WW that refuses to stop being in the affair.

My suggestion is to do the above and keep posting and you will be guided all the way through this shitstorm. you have taken the first step in finally realizing that the current situation is fucked up and should not continue.

let us know what happens tonight.

[

I strongly encourage you to read http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=547220 and protect yourself and the kids.

Also, google "No more mr. nice guy pdf", it's a great book available online for free and I believe it's essential for you to read it.

It's possible she's been lying to you. Have you considered having her do a polygraph?

Have you talked to family and friends about the situation? What was their reaction, are you getting real-life support?

Best wishes!

How do you know OM isn't married? Have you investigated him at all? Or are you just going on what your WW has told you?

What does "emotional affair" means to you? Sexual attraction and sexual talking? Saying "I love you?". If so, why would two people "in love" and sexually attracted not have sex? I would not believe it was not physical unless I saw that in one of their messages you've read, like "I can't wait to finally have sex with you for the first time.

Cheaters in deep emotional will not be able to remain just business. I've never seen it happen.

Best thing you can do right now is to put a voice-activated recorder under the seat of her car. They probably do the physical stuff and the love talk there at lunch or break. It will only take you a couple days to figure it out.

My wife wanted to still stay as "friend" too until about it took a second as I started going into the closet to put her stuff in the suitcase to take it to other man's house. Me or him. Maybe she will stay in touch later secretly, but if she won't even agree to end it, what's the point of staying married? I don't need the kind of wife that is in love with another man.

I don't want to put your words in your mouth. Maybe that is acceptable to you. Figure out what is acceptable and not acceptable TO YOU, then act accordingly.