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Well, got an earful of new info today, so here's the latest in the ongoing saga of WW. A couple of years ago, WW and I were both members of a local club. I won't mention the name but it's national and does charitable work. Also has a bar where people hang out, go on events together, etc. It was a lot of fun and I had some good friends there. WW worked there for about a year as a bartender, leading to her eventual hookup with OM#1, who also worked there. Well, they both ended up getting fired and of course, she had some BS story about how they caught her smoking inside instead of outside or something like that. Of course I believed her, and as a result, we both dropped our memberships, and several friends who she claimed didn't stick by her side.

So tonight I'm sitting around thinking about that club and my long lost friends and decide I'm going to reach out to one of them. I text him, he replies immediately and we end up talking on the phone. This friend is a trustee of the club and handles all the security, including video footage, etc. Turns out that WW was caught on camera with OM#1 in a compromising position. And THAT is why they were both fired. He said he felt terrible not telling me but was obligated by law to not say anything or could have been sued. He also mentioned hearing about an A prior to OM#1, and sure enough, the facts all line up with exactly what I suspected.

So at this point, no doubt in my mind there were at LEAST 3 different affairs, the very first of which WW adamantly denied just a few weeks ago, even when asked directly about it. And what really pisses me off is that I lost a few good friends over believing her BS story and trying to stand by her side. But the upshot is that after talking to him, I'm going to be re-enrolled in the club this week. Already heard from 2 of my other old friends on FB that they are happy to hear I'm coming back. They also knew what was going on and said that was the reason they quit speaking to WW. All this time I blamed them for being jerks and not standing by her.

Unbelievable. It's like a never-ending well of shit; I can't seem to get to the bottom. At least I'll be back in a club with some good friends and have a great social outlet. As a bonus, I know WW is going to find out and be totally pissed since she really hated some of those people. And now I know why. Another nice bonus - this news pissed me off so badly that I think it finally killed off the last of any notions I was clinging to of working things out with WW. I don't know who she is anymore, but a desperate, sick, needy person, who will do anything necessary to protect and further her own self interests. I really don't know where she went so badly off the rails but I've got no desire to have any relationship with her at all at this point.

My sister still strongly suspects a substance abuse problem, as WW behavior matches so closely with people in that situation. That may be, I don't know. But she is seriously messed up and I'm almost afraid for myself and my kids. I really don't know what she's capable of but wouldn't put anything past her. I have to play it very careful as I go forward to make sure I'm protecting my family. Wish me luck.

always be careful sacrificing friendships for the marriage. In a proper marriage, there's room for both but when everyone treats the wife or husband like junk, investigate.

Sorry you are here Hurt.

What is your gameplan from here on out ?

I wish you the very best. I know what you are going through when it comes to thinking back to strange events in the past. Now every weird thing that happened that my WH explained away...I now wonder. I hate never knowing if anything in the past concerning my WH was real.

I remember the military priest from our post coming up to me and chastising me for not letting my husband go to Mass. I was stunned and speechless. This priest was publicly embarrassing me at a battalion party. When I questioned my husband he played dumb and said he never told the priest I prevented him from going to church. Now I am thinking my husband was put on the spot by the priest and he took the easy way out by blaming me (I encouraged him to go to church and offered to attend Mass with him---but that took time away from his drinking). Back then I would never have dreamed he would do that. Nowadays I think it is not only possible, but most likely that is exactly what happened. He is the king of bullshit.

I hate second guessing my life.

(((HurtnAlone))) I am sorry you have to go through this hell.

[This message edited by DMS88 at 10:05 PM, May 18th (Monday)]

Western, the current game plan is to speed up the D by a few weeks. I'm talking to my attorney this week and hoping to file within 2 weeks. It was looking like late June but no way do i want to wait that long now. Was trying to avoid having the D final right around the holidays, which is where it will land 6 months from now. But it's gonna suck no matter when and I already figure the major holidays this year aren't gonna be great, so may as well burn through it all at once.

DMS, thanks for the sympathy. Same back to you, and everyone here. Nobody deserves to live through this nightmare. At this point I feel I truly am past the hurt. My desire to R was with the woman I USED to know, not the current lost soul I'm dealing with. And I'm not sure that the pure, good person I married is ever coming back. I really do think she might still be in there somewhere but is buried under so much shit that I have no idea if she'll ever dig herself out. It really would take a major crash in her life, with nobody to catch her, and then hope she's strong enough inside to recognize it and take action. That's an awful lot of very big IFs, and I find it just as likely or moreso that she'll just continue doing what she knows for the next few years. Maybe as her looks start to fade and it's not so easy to attract men, she'll have to face the nasty reality of her predicament. No idea, but I hope by then to have moved WELL beyond the chaos and living a happy fulfilling life.

Hindsight is 20/20 and I've found that to be especially true when dealing with a cheating spouse. After I left my WW, was S heading for D I got confirmation of a prior A. One that I had very strong suspicions of but no evidence. Naturally my XWW denied everything but she was busted yet again. In retrospect there were actually other situations that were probably affairs as well. But being the stupid, trusting schmuck I was I believed her stories and excuses. So aside from the 2 affairs that were confirmed I now believe that at least another 3 most likely occurred and perhaps even more than that. I actually found out more shit about my XW from people after I D her. For some reason people clam up when your M and give you the dirt after you D them. But one was too many for me and it actually was the shit she did after she was caught that cemented my decision to D her. The lies, behaviors and disrespect to my intelligence after the fact was just too much for me to bear and that's why I D her. Good for you by reclaiming your old club and friends, sometimes there is a silver lining to all of this.

Full disclosure: I read the first page and the last, since I'm about to board a plane and just don't have time now for the middle stuff.

Sounds to me like you really are a new person, much more healthy and sure of your future. Good for you!

Wishing you all the best.

This is a prime example of the truth setting you free! I think those friends you lost will welcome you back with open arms and the good thing is you've never needed them more! Godspeed HurtnAlone. You're going to be just fine.

good for you in pushing up the divorce. The sooner you have peace of mind, the better you will be

Don't be surprised as you reach out to more past friends and acquaintances, especially ones from before the M, that they tell you "you're back to being the HurtAlone we recognize!" I got a lot of that when I reconnected with my friends.

Also, it's interesting once the wayward removes you from the SO status to "just friends" status you also begin to realize just how they really treat thier friends first hand.

So did you hear about the recent shootings in Waco, TX between biker gang members? Curiously, did your STBXW? I think it's noteworthy for documentation for custody arrangements. It's a risky and unstable lifestyle lately.

Also, it's interesting once the wayward removes you from the SO status to "just friends" status you also begin to realize just how they really treat thier friends first hand.

So funny you mention that JDuff. I always wondered why it was that WW could never manage to keep any of her female friends more than a year or two. Not a single one. Things would be going great for a while, then suddenly petered out, and of course it was always them. I'll probably be hearing more of what actually happened in some of those cases once I get back into the club. Will be interesting to compare to what WW said happened. I think that lying became so natural for her that she did it out of habit, whether necessary or not. I'm assuming that just about everything I heard past couple of years was at best partial truth. As far as me and her being friends, uhh no. I actually thought that was possible and what I wanted up until very recently. But like you said, she doesn't treat friends very well for long, and I have no desire to get caught up in even more drama with her down the road. The one exception is if she ever gets to that bottom out point and reaches out for help, I would do my best to get her into some therapy and maybe find a place for her to live on her own, IF she was not involved with a man at the time. But that would be the limit of my involvement.

So did you hear about the recent shootings in Waco, TX between biker gang members? Curiously, did your STBXW? I think it's noteworthy for documentation for custody arrangements. It's a risky and unstable lifestyle lately.

Yes, I heard that story. The lifestyle is definitely a risky one,, and I wonder if that isn't part of the latest guy's appeal. Bad boy image and all. This guy was previously a member of a club which crossed the law and his story is he left it because of that. The club he currently belongs to is a lot more laid back, and my brother even has an old high school buddy who is also a member of the same club. From what I hear, they are a good group of guys. But it's still a biker club, and I know the moral and ethical boundaries of those people are going to be stretched a lot further than most.

One last update. My oldest was with WW last night and told me that, once again, she had a girlfriend over and spent most of the night chatting with her rather than spending time with him and my other sons. He said he doesn't want to keep going if he's going to sit there ignored. I told him he doesn't have to and next time that happens, hop in the car and head home. All I can do is keep documenting her behavior. I hate to see the kids suffer but guess they need to realize some hard reality about their mom.

Well, I just met with WW at a bar for drinks. Almost 2 hours I sat across from her. The good news? My feelings are gone. Even gave her a hug good bye and nothing. I just kept sitting there thinking to myself: you are a crazy person who lied to my face for years. Oh, I smiled and acted as normal as I could, but the feelings are definitely gone.

She seemed stressed the entire time. Whole point of the meeting was to discuss the divorce, since she totally panicked about me getting in touch with the old friends. Thought they were gonna somehow convince me to screw her over. Like I need any convincing in that department. What's funny is she kept trying to make threats but when I didn't back down, she was sort of dumbfounded. For example, she tried to say how much it would cost me if she went for 50% custody on all 3 minors. I said you're not going to get 50%, especially on our autistic son. It's not realistic and you know it. On top of that, she doesn't have money to hire an attorney. She kept threatening and I said, go ahead, go consult with one. They will give you an hour for free. She was like, but then what? I don't have money to hire one and nobody I know can loan me money. Well, sister, guess that's just tough huh? Oh, another good one. She says she's gonna change her mailing address, you know, since I changed the locks and all and she doesn't have access anymore. I was like, go ahead, but if you do that, good chance my insurance will drop you from my policy. Think she was waiting for me to beg her not to change it. LOL.

Man, it feels good to take control. I don't think she felt any better when we were leaving but I certainly did. The tables have turned. Reality is slapping her in the face and I'm not the lost puppy dog I was a few weeks ago. Gonna be a hard life going forward. Filing in a couple of weeks so hopefully all smooth til then.

[This message edited by HurtnAlone at 10:43 PM, May 19th (Tuesday)]

Thanks for the updates, H&A! Don't be surprised if she tries to lure you to meet her somewhere private and either try to seduce you or try to call the cops on you.

Don't meet her again unless it's in public again!

Best wishes

Breathing a sigh of relief for you.

You are so strong. Your boys are lucky to have you.

Thanks for the updates, H&A! Don't be surprised if she tries to lure you to meet her somewhere private and either try to seduce you or try to call the cops on you.

Don't meet her again unless it's in public again!

Thanks for the reminder Hobbes. I'll be on the alert just in case. Been talking more with couple of those old friends. The funny thing is that I always considered some of them more friends of WW than of mine. She spent far more time at that club than me and got to the point she knew almost everyone there. But come to find out a lot of people knew what was going on between WW and OM#1 and were disgusted by it. They started shutting her out, not talking to her. But I was told everyone always liked me and felt terrible about the situation. So that felt good to hear. Only thing that bugs me is why didn't SOMEONE give me a heads up, or at least nudge me in the right direction? Guess it's tricky when dealing with those kind of situations, and maybe nobody felt they knew me well enough to get involved. But I'm looking forward to getting back into it and having a nice social circle. Gonna wait for a couple of weeks until D papers filed to avoid setting off WW again. She specifically mentioned it a couple of times last night and I just played dumb.

I really think that talking to these friends was what put the final nail in the coffin for me on feelings for WW. Finding out about even more lies than I already knew, plus knowing she was a public spectacle for months, making me look like a fool, just became too much to take. I don't feel happy, but more like relieved that at least that part of the pain is over. Now I'm really hoping that I can make it through the next few months without a lot of the drama that some others around here have experienced. But, thanks to all the advice from members here, I'll be prepared either way.

Thanks again everyone. I'll keep posting with news.

OK – Let’s play the devil’s advocate here for a minute…

First of all: Not being able to afford an attorney. Let’s hope that in that first hour the attorney doesn’t remind her that while you two are married all assets are joint. That includes your paycheck. Part of a divorce settlement is the division of legal cost and it isn’t always you pay yours and she pays hers. Often it’s split 50/50.

Second: Let’s hope he doesn’t point out she needs to change her mailing address because you changed locks. That’s the equivalent of not allowing her to live in her legal abode. Note that there is a difference between owning a house and who lives in it. The owner can’t simply evict anyone out if that person has a reasonable expectation to reside there (like a spouse, even a cheating one).

Third: Let’s hope he doesn’t suggest she file a domestic abuse charge for changing the locks… Former cop here I even back in the stone-age when I was dealing with domestic abuse (as a pro) this wasn’t allowed. I know its common advice here on SI to change the locks but it doesn’t make it any less illegal.

Other than that… Great job.

You will always wonder why someone, at least anyone, would have told you something, giving you a heads up, an anonymous note or email. That part won't go away.

The only good note is that now you DO know, many times BS's are left in the dark even after the fact, I know right now it might not make you feel better but it at least gives you some sense of closure, exactly like you felt when you met up with her...when you love someone your brain changes along with your heart, it takes either time or a major "ah ha!" moment to alter that thinking, you at least got that when you finally got positive proof from your friends that she did cheat and they can confirm it for you.

Being cheated on is a total flip flop brain screw up, it takes awhile for it all to catch up to you and to accept it. Does not mean you still won't feel sad or mourn your family and marriage but it does allow some kind of healing to begin when you can accept it all to be true.

Only thing that bugs me is why didn't SOMEONE give me a heads up, or at least nudge me in the right direction?

Before I started reading here, I would have been one of those people who wouldn't want to butt into your business unless we were really close (as in, in each others' homes regularly) friends. After reading the stories here, I've personally changed the way I think. But I think society's Conventional Wisdom is to Mind Your Own Business.

Don't let yourself write people off just based on this. If they were like me, they really had no idea what they were doing by not telling you.

Hurt,

The feelings that have left is EXACTLY why people say "give it time". I hope that anyone reading this forum will take you as an awesome example and a ray of sunshine. As I write this I know that there will be atleast one person saying to themselves "yeah, he got over it but my situation is different because..."

Not only has time really started healing your wounds, you're handling this excellently. It too is a great reminder that when people say "your old life is over" are doomsday prognosticators. Yuor old life is over, but a person who fights for themselves will find ways to make this reset opportunity and chance for self-reflection and growth.

Wake up in the morning and think of ways to make your life happy for you and then ones that you love and return your love. The Shakespearean tragedy of this is that this is the greatest revenge that you can ever inflict on your WW, but that your state of mind when it does occur will be that you no longer want revenge. It's a truly happy ending for everyone but that asshole.

First of all: Not being able to afford an attorney. Let’s hope that in that first hour the attorney doesn’t remind her that while you two are married all assets are joint. That includes your paycheck. Part of a divorce settlement is the division of legal cost and it isn’t always you pay yours and she pays hers. Often it’s split 50/50.

Second: Let’s hope he doesn’t point out she needs to change her mailing address because you changed locks. That’s the equivalent of not allowing her to live in her legal abode. Note that there is a difference between owning a house and who lives in it. The owner can’t simply evict anyone out if that person has a reasonable expectation to reside there (like a spouse, even a cheating one).

Third: Let’s hope he doesn’t suggest she file a domestic abuse charge for changing the locks… Former cop here I even back in the stone-age when I was dealing with domestic abuse (as a pro) this wasn’t allowed. I know its common advice here on SI to change the locks but it doesn’t make it any less illegal.

Bigger, thanks so much for that info. Just to be clear, I have not actually changed the locks YET. Like you said, everyone around here seems to advocate doing that immediately. I mentioned it to a friend who knows several people that went through a D recently and he strongly suggested I do not take that action until consulting with my attorney. Same reasons you just mentioned. I told WW that I do plan on changing them in the near future, but did not specify a date. So as of now, she still technically has access to the house, but either me or 1 of my older boys is almost always home so I'm not worried about her trying to sneak in and take anything unnoticed.

Also, good advice on the attorney and you are 100% correct. I actually did ask that question of my own attorney. So WW can try to get her own legal costs covered as part of the D but she still has to find someone who would be willing to work on that contingency with no or very little money up front. Maybe it's easier for women, but when I was looking around, I couldn't find a single lawyer who would even start on the case until I came up with at least an initial retainer, meaning typically $1500-$2000. I know WW doesn't have that kind of money and no way to get it. Guess I'll see soon enough.

Let me ask one last question of the experts around here. Joint checking is gone so we have split our finances. But I agreed to give WW so much out of each check to help her cover meals for my kids when they came to see her, misc expenses, etc. The amount works out to be just about what I expect to eventually pay in support. I have been told by a few people that I am under no obligation to give her a penny until the D papers are filed. But WW last night told me that if I refused, she would go to Friend of the Court and they would force me to pay immediately. I'll consult with my attorney as well, but does anyone have experience with this matter? Seems to me that since WW abandoned the home and all the kids are living here with me, that she would not be entitled to any sort of emergency support.

I am sure many of us can relate to other people knowing (before we did) and not saying anything.

I still have trouble feeling that bit of humiliation when I think about it.

Ugh!