SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks Hobbes and AS. Honestly, today was pretty rough. No idea why. Just woke up feeling depressed. Had some tears. Lucky I had already planned to meet my brother for lunch, so that really helped. He could see I was having a hard time and let me talk for nearly 90 minutes straight. It sort of brought me out of my funk and feeling OK for now. Hopefully the weekend goes well.

[This message edited by HurtnAlone at 5:26 PM, May 15th (Friday)]

HurtnAlone - 'But my question was more specifically related to just how bad the actual day of filing was and how long it stuck with you." From a few pages back - I wanted to respond.

Of course, I did NOT want to divorce my cheating X but I filed anyway and it was the hardest emotional thing writing my name on those papers of Dissolution of Marriage. (He had no idea it was coming) I'm sure my signature wasn't even legible.

It was the climax of the entire breakdown of the marriage coming down to signing a few papers - so when they showed up in the mail a few months after filing - I bawled my ass off. I hadn't bawled like that throughout the entire ordeal.

In a strange way, I related it to losing your heart-dog by an accident and 2 wks later, his cremated remains show up at your door unannounced. I know, not a great analogy for a 35 yr marriage, but it was a horrible time for me, to say the least.

A Climax of Pain, if you will. And, it's slowly gotten better from there.

Hand raised here - I also cannot watch any T.V, movies or read a book all the way through. My concentration with anything so trivial (as news) is very low - probably because the turmoil in our lives is taking up all our energy. I cannot wait to get back to watching or reading something that isn't about adultery.

I Used to be a news junky!

Yes, this site is addicting and very educational about surviving infidelity. May the mind movies end some day..

Checking in with inability to concentrate or focus other than to read articles. I'm finally getting some of the old focus back, but not all, not yet.

SheWiz, thanks for sharing. What you describe sounds about as bad or worse than what I am expecting. I'm already planning on taking a couple of days off work just to file. Have a feeling it's going to be rough.

And I am REALLY not looking forward to the day everything is final. It's months down the road, and I'm sure I'll be feeling pretty decent by then, but afraid that's going to be like DDay all over. I might even take a whole week off for that. I know I have to go through it but it's going to be one of the hardest things I have ever done. Don't even know who to ask to be with me. Probably my immediate family: brothers and sister, maybe mom. I'm tearing up just thinking about it. Thank God that will be the beginning of the end, and I can really start to get on my with my life after that.

Quick status update. WW texted me tonight that she wants to come and get her remaining things next week. I had given her until end of month, so I knew it was coming but still hard to hear. Somehow in the back of my mind, I keep hoping she'll come to her senses and beg me for forgiveness. I know, it's foolish to keep thinking that way, and I know I couldn't take her back anyway, but the thoughts keep popping in there. I'm not sure I can be around while she packs. Would be too hard to watch. Told her to make a list of everything she plans on taking and email it. I'm taking pictures of every room before and will compare after she leaves. Also plan on having my 18-year-old son be here and keep an eye; I trust him to be honest with what she takes.

I spoke with her sister tonight, who had talked with WW earlier on the phone. Was told that she didn't sound good and seemed very depressed. I just don't get it. This is all as a result of her actions and her decisions. I've given her multiple chances to try and R, which she refuses every time. I really don't know what to make of it, other than she still thinks she is in love with OM, or else she thinks it would be impossible to R because I could never forgive her. And weeks ago, she made a similar comment about how I could never trust her again, and she didn't blame me. But it kills me that she wasn't willing to at least give R a try. I know I should quit trying to figure her out, but I can't help it. Has anyone around here had a WS who pushed for D, but then seemed to be depressed about it, while refusing every offer of R? Maybe I'm overthinking it. I guess it's possible she still loves me, but just sees too many things she wasn't happy with and knows that she won't be happy with me long term. Hard to swallow but maybe it's just that simple.

HA, remember what your sister had told you?

First off, my WW is definitely escaping from reality. She almost definitely still has feelings for me, probably even deep love, but the guilt of her betrayal and the realization of how much work would be involved to fix it are too much for her to face right now. It's easier to try and start fresh in a new situation. Eventually, reality is going to start creeping in, the guilt is not going to just go away, and she's going to start looking for another out. That may be yet another guy, but it's also the most likely time that she would come running back to me, begging for forgiveness. And I can't take her back. She will reach out in desperation but will not truly be ready to reconcile because she is still broke and has not honestly faced her own demons. There is a ton of guilt and unresolved feelings inside her, including the death of her mom just a couple of years ago, that she has buried and never dealt with. That healing has to take place before she is capable of being in ANY serious relationship.

I also asked if there was likely to be any sort of reaction when I finally start dating again. The answer: without a doubt. Whether WW still loves me or not, right now she knows that I still have feelings for her and believes she can come back any time she wants. Seeing me with another woman and realizing that I have actually moved on is going to be a serious blow to her ego. The fact that I want someone else is going to be hard to accept, and it's the other most likely time that WW may try to win me back, seeing her safety net or Plan B slipping away. Or possibly even finally realizing what a huge mistake she has made. But again, regardless of how she reacts, I can't take her back. WW has to go through some sort of bottoming out process, realize that she has problems and needs help to fix them, then actually do the work. I can't do it for her and I can't help her.

Personally, I keep this quote, that you provided us, to help me remind myself, what could be going on in my WW's head. It helps me keep focused on myself and how to proceed, with my life.

I would have loved the opportunity to have a proper reconciliation. One filled with remorse, empathy and compassion. One where both my WW and I looked at ourselves, as individuals and seen each other as individuals. Where we each understood that we both have needs and it is our responsibility to each other, to help with the others needs. Where communication is the priority and an understanding of each other's emotions is taken into consideration every time we talk. It's a long road to get to that point, it's a lot of work.

As much as it might kill you that she wasn't willing to give R a try, in the end, it's what was probably easier on you. There are so many stories of false R on this site. I'm one of them. For me, false R was almost harder than the original betrayal and depending on the day I'm having, I would even say it was harder on me.

Remember this--

WW has to go through some sort of bottoming out process, realize that she has problems and needs help to fix them, then actually do the work. I can't do it for her and I can't help her[

Until she starts down this path, you'll likely never get a true reconciliation. You also never know when she'll actually start this process. By then, you might actually see the whole situation differently. Your feelings towards her, possibly towards sympathy and less about love. Possibly indifference, maybe not.

It might be obvious to you if she's depressed and why that may be, but her guilt and denial could be keeping her from seeing it in herself. This is where blaming shifting has more of an impact on the person shifting the blame, because it keeps them from looking at themselves, from looking deep within themselves and asking -- "Why?" Until she starts working on herself, things won't get better for her and you can't do the work for her.

Strength man, this shit sucks and it's hard as hell!

[This message edited by LonelyLucas at 1:59 AM, May 16th (Saturday)]

I'm glad that you bounced back quickly from the funk. It's great that you can count on people in your life to help you!

Maybe have someone else besides your son there when she comes, like maybe your brother? 18 y/o might be too young to have the burden of supervising her.

Best wishes!

Gently Hurt, this really has nothing to do with you.

You say how she's depressed, how she's unhappy but you've given her multiple chances to R and she's refused? That's because yes she maybe unhappy but that unhappiness is within her, she may have thought a relationship with OM would blunt it but maybe it hasn't, but what is clear is that she has detached from you and whatever road she has chosen, she has chosen to go without you.

In this respect at least she's honest which is an irony because it's because she disrespects you that she has no problem being brutally honest. She sees a better option, so while it may hurt you, in the grand scheme of her plans you're just an obstacle to that happiness/road.

You're seeing everything she's doing as she's doing AT you. Her every actions meant to hurt you, but it's simply not true. Much like a war you're the casuality caught in the middle as she pushes towards her goal.

That's letting go. You already know you can't control her. You know she's made up her mind. Once you've made peace that what she's doing doesn't have a lick to do with you, the process of letting go becomes easier.

Can I make a suggestion H?

Be there with your son when she packs up.

Hand her the big, black hefty trash bags like you are discarding the trash.

I truly think you need the closure.

Say goodbye. No hugs for her and wish her well.

Why do I say to do this?

Because your WW is not only abandoning her marriage but her husband and children.

She needs to feel it. She needs to see it.

And so doe s one or two of your oldest kids.

When she is finally gone give your boy a hug. Remind him you will never abandon him or his brothers.

Let him know that you still love his Mom but can no longer tolerate her lack of respect for yourself or his children.

Teach him a lesson while he sees you in action.

Then divorce her. Move on with your life.

And find an awesome woman that loves you and your children.

Your a great catch.

And a good man/father.

Someone deserves you. Just not your STBXW. She has way too many issues that are no longer your problem.

Don't you and your children deserve better?

HM

This! ^^^^^^^

Thanks everyone for the support. Funny that people are reminding me of my own words from a few days ago, but it does help to hear. I know you guys are right. Yes, I and my kids deserve better. Even before DDay, I feel like WW had checked out of not only the M but of being part of the family, and that probably goes back at least a couple of years. I can remember spending holidays alone and she got to the point she rarely attended events with my extended family. Everyone would always ask about her and I always had an excuse. Honestly, I haven't really been happy for quite a while, but it wasn't because I hated WW; I simply missed her. I do think that eventually I will come to realize that moving on was the right decision, and hopefully leads to a much better, happier life for me and my boys. I even hope my WW can find happiness, but I think she has a far longer road ahead than I do before she gets there. Sure, it will be filled with periods of brief, artificial happiness, and then even more sorrow and anguish. But I have to let that go; it's not my problem to fix anymore.

Thankfully today I'm doing OK, in spite of the depressingly cloudy weather. Woke up thinking about WW but not depressed. Just spent a few minutes wondering what she was doing. And then I thought about other stuff. Now I'm trying to plan my day; it always helps when I walk out of my bedroom and see those 4 kids, and thank God that I have them here with me. I really can't imagine living a life where I only saw them a few hours 2 or 3 times a week, like WW. I'm sure that's another huge regret she will have some day, but I'm glad that she took the initiative to leave and left me with the boys in the home they know.

Hoping for a drama free weekend. Sending strength to everyone out there going through this with me.

I agree Happyman !!

Just remember. It only becomes drama if you let it escalate.

Use the old "I'm sorry you feel that way" then walk away from her.

Keep it to the texting.

I will never understand a woman that can walk away from her kids. She has issues but underneath it all she is just selfish.

Let her go. Be strong about it. Because if she never fixes herself she is no good to you or the boys .

No good as a woman.

No good as a wife.

No good as a mom.

No good as a cop aren't.

You can be sad about it. But make up your mind to move on.

And replace her with someone that is awesome, mostly issue free and drama free.

Just make sure that new person has your values....

HM

[This message edited by happyman64 at 11:18 AM, May 16th (Saturday)]

To many, many people, facing your own shortcomings is often the hardest thing you can do. Many of us are simply never taught to fess up to what we've done and face the consequences, so when we do something THAT horrible, we simply cannot 'go there.' Our own self shame precludes us from looking people in the eye once we've crossed that line.

For those people, they often need to hit rock bottom before they can do that. And get lots and lots of therapy, of course.

As always, thanks for the replies. I actually had a decent day. Thought about WW a few times but more anger than sad. She's been lights out today, not even a single text. My oldest finally texted her and found out she was at some biker club thing out of town. More partying; bunch of 40 somethings living like they are in college. How long can that last before it gets old?

In the mean time, I did yard work, grocery shopping, took my kids to the Y to swim, then came home, made dinner and watched a movie with my oldest. In other words, pretty normal night for someone my age. Guess it doesn't sound too exciting to someone who's going through a mid-life crisis. I'm not worried though. I'm bonding with my 4 boys like never before and I know that will carry through the rest of our lives. WW is missing out on that time and will never be able to recover. I wonder how many years will pass before she realizes she lost something special and can't get it back. I'm looking forward to the day I get past all this and meet someone who already lived their party days in college and is ready to live a real life and prioritize what's truly important.

I'm bonding with my 4 boys like never before and I know that will carry through the rest of our lives.

That's priceless! If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't trade that for any amount of money or partying with any supermodels etc.

Keep on doing what you're doing!

Are the kids in any sort of therapy or in a support group for children of divorce? Maybe talk to their school counsellor?

Best wishes

That sounds like a perfect day to me!

Once again, warm fuzzies in the dad department!

That's priceless! If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't trade that for any amount of money or partying with any supermodels etc.

Keep on doing what you're doing!

Are the kids in any sort of therapy or in a support group for children of divorce? Maybe talk to their school counsellor?

Thanks Hobbes. I'm with you that the bonding time with the kids is far more important than being out with a bunch of middle aged losers trying to recapture their glory days. The kids aren't going to be young forever, and I'm building a trust and respect that will have me in their lives forever. I look forward to being a great dad, and even a good friend to all my boys as they get older.

On the counseling side, fortunately my 2 special needs boys already see a mental health professional for their other issues, so the problems with mom & dad have been brought into the discussion. My youngest son's school counselor is aware as well, and has had a couple of discussions and keeps an eye on him daily. Same with his teacher. My oldest is the one I struggle with, but we are currently seeking a therapist for him as well. I've tried talking to him but think he needs someone that's not so close to the situation so he can truly open up.

That sounds like a perfect day to me!

Once again, warm fuzzies in the dad department!

Thanks Valentine. Yes, it's the sort of thing that you would think most people might enjoy when they have young children at home. Guess that sort of takes a back seat when your world resolves around only yourself, like WW.

Daily update: didn't hear from WW again all day, until right at the very end. She had been trying to text the boys a few times and nobody had replied. I had the youngest with me out of town visiting family so that was his excuse. Not sure why my oldest didn't reply; probably caught up playing a game or watching some show. So she finally gave in and asked me for an update. I saw it, deliberately waited 30 minutes, then sent a short reply that everyone was fine. Never got a response after that. So at least she's finally taking the NC seriously. I'm sure it's more out of spite at this point than trying to honor my wishes. She probably thinks she's hurting my feelings. That would have been true a few weeks ago but now I'm actually glad when I don't hear from her at all. Really does get easier the longer it goes like this.

I had a great time visiting mom and sis and actually enjoyed a couple of hours of conversation where WW didn't pop into my head. It's so nice to start having somewhat normal conversations again and not be single-mindedly obsessed. I'm sure there are still many rough days ahead but they seem to be coming less often and that is a true blessing.

Thanks for the update! You're taking care of the kids very well!

What's the situation regarding the lawyer? Also, are you documenting things both in electronic form (maybe send a close friend/sibling an email every day recapping the situation - that way, there's a timestamp) AND in physical form (having a chart etc)?

Best wishes

She's a mess. What can you do? Nothing, really.