SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I got divorce papers in the mail today. No heads up, no notice, in spite of the fact WW was just here last night making pleasant conversation. I'm shocked and steaming mad. I got into a text exchange which wasn't very DB-like and honestly, I don't care. She sent one last text that she was done discussing it and to talk with her attorney if I had anything else to say. Turned into a raving b!tch.

I'm done. No idea how people hold on after getting D paperwork. Maybe if it had happened sooner in the process, or she had been a little more respectful about how she handled it. The icing on the cake? She blamed me. Said that I had "insulted" OM when I said a few weeks ago that I was helping support him, so he gave her the money to file. Wow. I guess the poor baby couldn't take the truth.

Anyway, this was the nail in the coffin for me. I have no desire to R with her now or in the future. The way she has handled this entire situation, on top of the past 5 years of lies, sleeping around with various OM, etc. I don't need that in my life. I'm so glad now that I have been keeping the logs of child activity. WW is going to be in for a very rude awakening when we get to determining custody. I fully intend to go for as much child custody as possible, and it's not out of spite, but a fear of not wanting my kids around such a disgusting person.

Head is still spinning a little, but I'm definitely in a fully detached state now.

I'm so glad now that I have been keeping the logs of child activity. WW is going to be in for a very rude awakening when we get to determining custody.

I would contact a lawyer and maybe get temporary custody arrangement in place. I wouldn't trust an unremorseful WS as far as I can throw. Protect yourself and your children's best interest.

She's very messed up.

However, she still has the wits to yank your chain because her life is a disaster and it's her doing.

If she can actually stick by OM, that might be better than if she behaves even more erratically.

She is a serial cheater. Is she going to quit that?

Temp custody will be determined soon. Along with the D paperwork, I got a notice from Friend of the Court to determine temp child custody for next 6 months until D is final. That will happen on Sep 29. Thank God I got advice from here and my attorney to keep logs, or I would have never considered it.

Kids were supposed to be with STBXW tonight, but my oldest said he didn't even want to be around her right now. I got the kids a new video game tonight, which was a planned reward for them for having 2 weeks in a row of good school days, but funny it just so happened to be tonight when they got it. So now my younger boys don't want to go either. I told them not to worry about it, and my oldest will text her in a while saying they aren't coming over. She can't even blame me, because she should have been providing dinner but sprung on me at the last minute that I needed to feed them before coming over. So I'm taking my time making something. She doesn't get to see those boys if I have anything to say about it.

LoneWalk, guess I don't understand how you think sticking with OM is better, but I don't think she has any other options right now, so that's likely where she'll be for a while. Is she going to quit serial cheating? Well, she believes she's turned over a brand new leaf, open and honest with him about everything. Guess we'll see how things look in a year or two, and he's just as boring as all those other OM she's been with. I don't see it lasting at all with them, or if it does, they will both be miserable, but they really do deserve each other. Two screwed up, broken people. Right now, I just see that b!tch suffer. Probably in a couple of years I'll just feel sorry for her, but regardless of what happens, I'll never be with her again. She has a long, lonely road ahead.

Sorry to hear about this. By doing it the way she did, she declared war. So show her no mercy.

You're handling this really well! We're here for you.

Make sure you have your VAR on you at all times, she might try to pull a desperate DV stunt when she realises her legal position sucks.

Best wishes

Those boys are so lucky to have you.

And you, them.

So I ended up calling my sister last night and talked for 3 hours. It helped me relax, and I slept well, but woke up still feeling angry. I've been thinking about WW and my situation all day but not the same as before. More like going through my history, plotting strategy of what I'm going to say in court, etc. I'm still sad that it's come to this but I no longer have any desire to be with WW. I was hoping that we could at least stay amicable through the divorce process, but in her state of mind, I realize that I can't trust a word she says. Everything is designed to somehow give her the upper hand or benefit her in some way. So I won't be having any contact at all, outside of minimum info about the kids, and that will be text only.

She's going to be in for a very hard dose of reality in a few weeks, after I present my evidence. May even end up owing me child support, not the other way around, as she thinks. And just to make things a little easier for me, the attorney she hired specializes in criminal defense, not family law. I believe it's a friend of a friend and he's probably giving her a discount rate. When I told my attorney, who has 15 years in family law, he said that was a good thing. We should be able to dictate terms, because the other guy won't know any better, and he'll probably be in a hurry to get the case off his plate. So hopefully that works to my advantage.

Right now, I'm heading over to a new friends house, who funny enough, used to be good friends with WW. It's an older couple and when they found out what was going on, they disconnected from her completely. I only met them a couple of weeks ago but they have been very nice and offered to help in any way they can. I continue to go along picking up the relationships that WW has left behind burned bridges. My social circle keeps getting bigger while hers shrinks. Just one more consequence of her terrible choices.

Great update, glad to hear it. Have you got all the evidence in a safe place? Maybe send it all via email to your attorney just to be safe. Also, VAR on you at all times! Best wishes

Right now, I'm heading over to a new friends house, who funny enough, used to be good friends with WW. It's an older couple and when they found out what was going on, they disconnected from her completely. I only met them a couple of weeks ago but they have been very nice and offered to help in any way they can.

Just be careful that anything you tell them is not being passed on to your ex

Bro stop focusing on your WW and how her life might end up. Right now you're in the hurt stage and imagining all sorts of scenerios, all of course end with her getting her comeuppance or hitting her rock bottom.

Question is what if it works out for her and the OM? What if for the next 10 years she's blissfully happy? Heck even if she and the OM don't work out knowingher history she could have 3 more dudes lined up to softened her landing. Point is you've got to disconnect the hose that's connected to her. The sooner you start on healing and focusing on yourself then her outcome won't matter a jot to you, whether it's good or bad.

Alright Hurt, I signed up here after reading your entire thread and i just could not handle seeing your situation and the responses you've been getting thus far. I'm shocked really.

Do you want to know what is happening to you? Every single slither of contact you have with this woman is emasculating you. Every phone call, every visit, every crying interaction, you are reduced to a pathetic shell of a man in her eyes. This has been the case from the second she slept with another man. You are torturing yourself. You have delayed divorcing this woman because you have been clinging to some ridiculous shred of desperate hope that she will come back to you. And guess what? SHE HAS DIVORCED YOU. YES. SHE CHEATED ON YOU, HAD 3 AFFAIRS, AND SHE IS NOW DIVORCING YOU.

For god's sake man, please stop this.

You need to take control of your life. You need to set boundaries for yourself. You need to identify the things in your life that make you happy and DO THEM or take steps for these things to eventuate in your life. This person has shat all over you and you've sat there and taken it and begged for more. You need to have some goddamn self worth and pride.

You keep talking about how "this is the last straw, i will never want her back after this!". Well guess what, she is never coming back to you. You don't have a say in that. You are no longer any form of sexual object of desire to her. She pities you. You are no longer the strong, masculine and proud man she most probably fell in love with. You are behaving like a groveling, spineless worm.

This person betrayed you not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES, she has disrespected you more than anyone in your life will ever disrespect you, she has treated you like subhuman garbage after being with you for 18 goddamn years and you STILL show concern when she cries to you, you STILL sit there and actually listen to her talk about her new boyfriend who is sticking his dick in every one of her holes, and then you even go as far as giving her ADVICE about her new relationship and fucking hold off divorcing her for whatever ridiculous reason you have. What the hell is wrong with you? What the hell is wrong with everyone here who hasn't given you this wake up call yet? This is your fucking life buddy. Think about that. Replay that over in your head and think about how you are behaving, how you are thinking and what you are doing. You're a great human and a fantastic father, no one can take that away from you, but for the love of god have some self respect as a man who knows what he wants out of his own fucking life.

Shame on everyone here who hasn't given you this talk.

Just be careful that anything you tell them is not being passed on to your ex

I'm always cautious in these types of situations so I never talk about anything that could potentially be used against me. I spent 2 hours with that couple last night and had a really good time. WW barely got mentioned. Was mostly just getting to know them.

Bro stop focusing on your WW and how her life might end up. Right now you're in the hurt stage and imagining all sorts of scenerios, all of course end with her getting her comeuppance or hitting her rock bottom.

Question is what if it works out for her and the OM? What if for the next 10 years she's blissfully happy? Heck even if she and the OM don't work out knowingher history she could have 3 more dudes lined up to softened her landing. Point is you've got to disconnect the hose that's connected to her. The sooner you start on healing and focusing on yourself then her outcome won't matter a jot to you, whether it's good or bad.

I appreciate the feedback and you're not telling me anything I don't already know. The problem is, you don't just flick a switch and suddenly quit thinking about something or having feelings. To me, I'm making progress. Just a few weeks ago, I was still desperately clinging to hope that somehow WW and I would still be together. Now, I'm waiting for her life to fall apart, but not because I wanna be with her, but because I'm pissed. That's progress. Hopefully in another few months, I'm getting a lot closer to that truly detached phase where I honestly don't give a f#ck. In the mean time, I come on here to vent because it's better than doing it front of friends and family. So again, thanks, but sometimes I don't need advice telling me what I already know - I just need to get it off my chest.

This person betrayed you not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES, she has disrespected you more than anyone in your life will ever disrespect you, she has treated you like subhuman garbage after being with you for 18 goddamn years and you STILL show concern when she cries to you, you STILL sit there and actually listen to her talk about her new boyfriend who is sticking his dick in every one of her holes, and then you even go as far as giving her ADVICE about her new relationship and fucking hold off divorcing her for whatever ridiculous reason you have. What the hell is wrong with you? What the hell is wrong with everyone here who hasn't given you this wake up call yet? This is your fucking life buddy. Think about that. Replay that over in your head and think about how you are behaving, how you are thinking and what you are doing. You're a great human and a fantastic father, no one can take that away from you, but for the love of god have some self respect as a man who knows what he wants out of his own fucking life.

You say you read my entire thread but must have missed the last few entries where I mentioned that a divorce is in the works, because WW filed. As far as excuses, I won't rehash but financial concerns have been a real concern, and attorneys don't work for free. Even now, I'm going to have to probably try and borrow from family to get someone on board soon because I'm still digging out of a hole from 2 months of being unemployed.

Finally, I was married 18 years, but together 24. I've known this woman since she was 18. You don't think I realize what she's done? You know how many times I've wished I could just take a pill and forget about her? Emotions don't work that way. I don't know what you've been through, but I would say that if you can just turn off your feelings for someone after loving them for half your life, that your love probably wasn't real in the first place. Everyone that I've talked to in the past few months who's been through divorce, and that's a LOT of people, every single one says it took them anywhere between 1-3 years to totally get over it and truly start to move on. I'm 7 months out; I think I deserve a little slack.

Hurtn, you deserve a ton of slack and I hope you continue to be patient with yourself. You're still dealing with tremendous shock, betrayal and trauma from everything she's been doing, so it is completely normal and expected that it will take you quite some time to heal and detach from her.

Keep working on yourself and your relationships with the kids, family&friends, and you'll be great in the long run!

How do you feel today?

Best wishes!

I have never been married and never intend on being married, it is, in my eyes, ridiculous and unnatural and a source of avoidable pain and turmoil and grief. I am in a long term (7 year) open relationship with a woman who i deeply love and have multiple women in my life at any given time who i also care for greatly. I am abundantly happy and will never experience what you have been through. My post was not in any way intended to personally attack or offend you. I feel you need to be shaken up and that now is the time you need to be taking the reigns and really looking inside yourself, re-evaluating your self worth and what you want out of your life.

I am not attacking. I signed up to this site to give you this advice. I took time out of my day to talk to you and only you because I felt so strongly about this. Please do not ever let another human being make you so miserable ever again. This site is just depressing.

Everyone has a different level of "how much shit I can take'.

As per numerous stories on SI and other various infidelity forums there are BS that have ended their M immediately and others that have held onto the sliver of hope that only they can seem to see and has everyone else saying what the fuck are you doing.

You do not owe anyone any explanation as to why you decide to hold on as it is your life. We as fellow BS are here to let you know you have our support & our hope for your future, we try to help you understand what can happen which we do by sharing from our personal shit storms when they happened and are still ongoing.

I was married for 26years, with her for 33 years total, She was my everything. The one person along with my daughter I would have sacrificed my life for.

When my wife decided to fuck another man i myself was able to immediately file for divorce and have said a handful of words to her in the last 6 months.

I have bad days & I have good days. Now adays more good than bad.

After spending 33 years of my 56 year life with my sweetheart and then having her totally dissrespect me, our family and our marriage made it easier for me to break the bond.

But I can understand your position and that of many BS that would just like to know if the multitude of years you put into a marriage were in vain, totaly disregarded by the WWS or will the WWS all of a sudden go "fuck me what have I done"

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 10:38 AM, September 20th (Sunday)]

Just wanted to say that I do appreciate any and all feedback on my thread. Miyake, thanks for taking the time to post. Your perspective is certainly unique, and I suppose an argument could be made for the lifestyle you have chosen, as it does have a certain level of insurance against heartbreak. That being said, I don't think it's for everyone, and I do believe that there is something special about finding that one person to share your life with, who you connect with on a level that's so deep and personal that nobody else in the world shares. Maybe you have that now, and if so, it's really great.

Regarding marriage, I think that when people are young and starting families, it is a wonderful thing. You want kids to be raised with both a mother and father in a loving relationship, and marriage forms that bond of security and permanence. Later in life, or after having been through it, I agree with you that it doesn't serve a real purpose. I don't know that I will ever get married again. I've had my family and don't plan on having any more kids, so outside of religious convictions, there really isn't a reason for it. Live-in girlfriend, certainly. I suppose everyone has to decide for themselves what they feel is right.

Sorry if I come across as defensive sometimes, but emotions are still running on high for me, with a lot of bouncing around. Overall, I do think I'm making progress, certainly I'm much better off than even a few weeks back. Today doing well and haven't really thought about my WW too much, other than when writing these posts. Getting ready to take my two youngest boys shopping, then I'll be bartending today between 3-9pm, so that should be fun. I'm really enjoying meeting new people and starting to actually have fun while I'm out, especially when doing things with the kids. I know there are still some hard times coming in the next few weeks, but I know that I'm going to be just fine.

Miyake

STILL sit there and actually listen to her talk about her new boyfriend who is sticking his dick in every one of her holes, and then you even go as far as giving her ADVICE about her new relationship and fucking hold off divorcing her for whatever ridiculous reason you have. What the hell is wrong with you? What the hell is wrong with everyone here who hasn't given you this wake up call yet? This is your fucking life buddy.

You are no longer the strong, masculine and proud man she most probably fell in love with. You are behaving like a groveling, spineless worm.

Everyone is usually understanding, helpful and polite on JFO.

Not me........

You absolute arse.

For your 3rd post - I wonder if you could perhaps search your soul and try and come up with something more helpful.

MOB

[This message edited by MadOldBat at 1:17 PM, September 20th (Sunday)]

What would you consider more "helpful"? The only posts that are truly helpful to anyone are ones that don't sugarcoat anything and tell the OP exactly what they need to hear in order to better things from themselves and their current situation. If I am behaving in a way that does not align with my core values as a person I would WANT someone to kick me in the ass, not tell me "oh yes don't worry just keep doing what you're doing it's fine it's fine!".

Not sure how i'm an arse for doing this - I never directly insulted Hurt and nothing in my post was personal. I said he was behaving terribly and outlined the consequences of behaving like this in a way that cuts through - not he as a person is a terrible person. That is what people need to hear, not post after post of sympathetic unhelpful reinforcement of current behaviors and attitudes. Hell, half of the reason OP or any of you are even in this position is due to your attitudes and mindsets, as much as you rely on blaming it on your "WW"'s being "sick".