SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Kronos, happyman, TrenOR, and others,

You have asked a straightforward question which deserves a straightforward answer:

No. I have not exposed the A to the OBS.

But before the 2x4's come out, and I DO welcome 2x4's, please let me explain.

My initial motivation for calling him out had a lot to do with pure, masculine pride. I would be damned if I was going to let him just waltz away from all this without having to face me.

In the runup to DDay, I was in full investigative mode, and I knew what I was doing. I had miles of solid, irrefutable evidence of the A details: pictures, text message strands, phone logs, GPS data, and more.

Without going into more detail, there were many decisions that OM made in furtherance of the A that, while not illegal, per se, would be damning to OM, both to his M, obviously, but also to his career, his job, his certification as a sworn police officer.

Moreover, while I am not in any way a "kingmaker," I am a rather high ranking official in the local branch of a major political party. Not a lot of "power," but my position gave me access to many people, including the Sheriff, other elected officials, and the Press. In short, I was in a position (still am, btw) that to expose his indiscretions would likely destroy him publicly.

So in addition to masculine pride, I had selfish motivation to simply make the A come to an immediate and permanent end. I wanted OM completely and totally out of my life, and out of WW's life. WW had made it clear to me after brief TT that she wanted to recommit to our M. Though I was not totally on board with that... I was still lining up all my options... I knew that any kind of R would not be possible if OM was, in ANY way, still in the picture.

So when I called him out, in addition to beating him up emotionally for a bit, I shared with him just a taste of the evidence that I had. My political work brings me into association with many attorneys, one of which was quite happy to prepare for me a lawsuit against the Sheriff's Office, since most A activities occurred while OM was on duty. There were many other aggravating circumstances as well which,coming out during the discovery phase, would have sealed the end for OM. It would not be appropriate for me to go into all the details here.

But I was able to paint OM a quite vivid picture of what would be in store for him and his family, including the very public humiliation that would accompany my outing him.

So I established very specific and detailed boundaries that I expected OM to follow to his deathbed, all of which had to do with him disappearing from our lives. I let him know that I would be immediately aware if he stepped over those boundaries, and assured him that the full force of exposure would happen immediately if he stepped over those lines. I also let him know that, should WW or I decide that D would be the best path for us to take, that ALL this information would become part of the proceedings, and, as such, would become public record.

The most gratifying, and personally validating, part of this 90 minute interaction with OM was when he stated, head bowed, and tears streaming down his face, "Sir, I recognize that you have the big hammer over my head, and that all you have to do is let it drop. You have total control over my life. I assure you that you and AP will never, ever hear from me again." (EXACT words. I'll NEVER forget).

Selfish? Absolutely. 2x4 worthy? You bet. But I have a control over him from which he cannot escape. And he has disappeared from our lives. I am able to maintain this control over him for as long as I choose. And his disappearance has greatly contributed to a rapid lifting of the A fog, and continues to be a major factor in my and WW's R. I'll take the 2x4's for not outing him to OBS all day.

Sorry for the long, long answer to a simple question!

Wish I had been a fly on the wall during THAT discussion!

SilverEagle, at the end of the day, you have to do what's right for your family. Telling the BS is the conventional, and in almost all cases, the correct thing to do. For many reasons, ranging from killing an A immediately (case point, how fast the OM threw your WW under the bus when push came to shove), to letting the other BS know of what their partner is doing behind their back, so they can make decisions that are best to them. All that being said, you do truly have to do what is best for YOUR family at this point. At some time, I sincerely hope and pray, his BW finds out that her WH is a betrayer, so she can make the correct, informed decisions for herself and her family. You can only do what you believe to be the best for yours.

And it's rather nice, in a totally non-nice way, that you have all of this evidence hanging over his head. May that thought be uppermost in what passes for a brain in his pea-head, every time he gets the infidelity itch.

I think that by deciding to not tell her you have become an accomplice in the continuous destruction of OBS' life. Every day that she's not told is another day stolen from her life, another day of being gaslighted and mistreated, another day of being exposed to risks of STDs, including HIV and cancer-inducing HPV (because who knows who else OM has cheated or will cheat with in the future).

I think your decision is very selfish. In that regard, for me, you're not much, if at all, better than your WW or OM. Selfishness before empathy and concern for an innocent fellow human being and their kids.

I hope you'll change your mind and do the right thing and tell the OBS sooner rather than later.

I'd say best wishes to you, but the one who needs luck the most is OBS and her kids. Too bad that you don't want to help them.

The most gratifying, and personally validating, part of this 90 minute interaction with OM was when he stated, head bowed, and tears streaming down his face, "Sir, I recognize that you have the big hammer over my head, and that all you have to do is let it drop. You have total control over my life. I assure you that you and AP will never, ever hear from me again." (EXACT words. I'll NEVER forget).

The guy learned he can weasel his way out of *anything at all*, a lesson he won't forget either.

She deserves to know.

Skan, Hobbes, HOP,

Well, I said that I welcomed 2x4's, and I meant that. Thank you for your very frank perspectives. I am actually NOT a selfish person by nature. Truth be told, regarding the issue of outing OM to OBS, I have really not considered my decision from this angle.

In fact, as I re-read your comments, and my own last post, I am beginning to realize that I am perhaps being selfish in another way: maybe, just maybe, I don't want to run the risk of opening up more drama into my own life; that maybe I have become so comfortable with the quick pace of R, that I now don't want to risk upsetting the current status quo.

Skan, you stated that I needed to do what is best for my family, but that you hope and pray that OBS learns of her H's infidelity so that she can also make informed decisions about her life. Yes.

Hobbes, you said that I have become an accomplice in the further destruction of OBS's life. Ouch. Yes.

HOP, you said OP has learned that he can weasel his way out of anything at all. OMG. Yes.

Wow. I think that I have some serious reflection to do, and that I need to rethink my whole attitude about this. I have always considered myself to be a person of character. I need to sort this out. Thank you for helping me to see this.

I think SilverEagle has the right to be selfish and protect him and his family. This in no way makes him like WW or OM. While I would happily drop the hammer and see if WW really meant she wanted to stay, I also understand his position.

I believe the BS should be told what her WS is doing for her protection. I was given high risk HPV from my husband's first affair. Many paps and biopsies later, I am thankful it wasn't HIV.

I think it's very telling about your character that you considered your own pride and selfishness in whether or not to out the OM at work and elsewhere. Obviously, you are not a vengeful person and that is a good thing. Should you decide to tell the BS, you will be gentle for her sake. That said, while I do believe she deserves to know, I realize that being the bearer of bad news is a very painful position to be in. I'm sure you'll make a decision you can live with.

Very nice written words.... but what i really see here is this:

Your WW got caught cheating, after 48 hours (REPEAT: AFTER 48 HOURS!!) and after realizing that she didn't have no future with OM, she decides to work on the marriege..... I WONDER WHY....

Then i see the OM spanked but with no real consequences.....

My conclusion: WW wants to R. because caught (if she didn't would she still be with OM?) and OM agree's to stop because threated.... who wouldnt?

Dont get me wrong, i do wish you a wonderful R. with your WW, but personaly i would have done the job all the way, including telling OMW....

Thanks for the reply. I hope we weren't too harsh. It's just that after having to do plenty of STDs tests, it changed my perspective on things.

Please don't be too hard on yourself. It's hard, we don't have a manual for this, you're still reeling from shock. This won't define you, because you still have plenty of time to think clearly what to do and make things right.

Btw, have you considered having your wife do a polygraph? Sorry if it's already been mentioned.

Keep talking to us, we're here to help and support you, even though sometimes we might get too "tough-lovey", so feel free to let us know to back off a bit when you won't feel like it.

Best wishes!

Dude, please tell the OBS. She deserves to know. You could give her evidence anonymously if you wanted to. I believe it's the right thing to do and a decent thing to do.

You do not owe the OM anything. Did he consider your feelings before fucking your wife? Did he think about your kids? Nah, he wanted one thing and your wife was more than happy to give him that.

I urge you to tell his wife, especially when you have nothing to lose.

SilverEagle, in my situation I was the OBS who was enlightened by the BW. She gave me evidence of the A between my now XW and her now XH. I am forever grateful for her because my XW had mentally and emotionally abused me (and I wasn't even aware of it until I came here) for the last two years of the M. Being told the truth empowered me to take action for myself. I'm betting in your situation the OM's wife must be thinking she's going nuts with all the gas lighting she's gotten by her WH.

Hang in there. You're going to question and re-question what you did, what you do, what you didn't do. That's all normal and a part of processing something that seems to be un-processable. It's OK to change your mind, to re-think things, to make different decisions. The big thing is that, at the end of the day, you can look back and say that you've acted with honor and have done the best that you can.

Skan, Hobbes, and Everybody,

I am SO thankful that I found this site, and all of you, when I did. I am thankful for being able to gain wisdom from the many perspectives of others who have walked this trail before me, and I especially appreciate even the 2x4's. I need and value all of your opinions.

And yes, I honestly AM revisiting whether or not to communicate what I know with OBS. She and I have never met, and I have no idea as to what kind of reaction to expect if I do communicate with her. This whole situation sucks, and I wish I did not have to even think about these things.

I am going to spend some time in deep reflection when I return home this evening. I do not know how this is going to go, but the opinions and perspectives of each person who has responded to my post will certainly inform my decisions.

Frankly, I am at the same time amazed and humbled that so many folks have come forward to offer their support and advice from my first post. It's all a bit overwhelming.

One selfish reason to inform OM's wife is that she will likely keep him on a short leash if she doesn't divorce him.

Of course, if she kicks him out, there is a possibility that he will seek your wife to rekindle the relationship. If your leaves you for him, that what would that mean to you?

Silver,

The internal struggle that you now face about telling the OM's wife is just one more bite of the shit sandwich that we are force to take. It is just another layer of total cruelty. Sometimes it seems like the effects of infidelity are never-ending.

Like Skan said, you have to do what is best for you and your family. And I too wish that the betrayed wife finds out. Ultimately, you would be the best bearer of this news, but it doesn't have to be you that gets the message to her.

The most important thing is that she does get the message. The more that you think about this, the more that this will sink in....like it or not.

That aside, kudos for you and your WW's progress to date. Reconciliation can definitely be worth it, and there will be some new positives gained from this shitstorm. But as long as the two of you are moving forward, then that is good news.

tell her. let him rot. Let his BW take a piece out of his ass. Make him sweat.

If he breaks up and he comes after your wife again, you'll see how serious she is about you and maybe you'll do things differently. Considering she cheated on you for over 60% of your long term marriage, I don't see much risk in trying. She does it again, the grass is greener on the other side, much greener

Thanks for the reply and kind words. I hope you'll remain on this forum for a long time to come, because I have a feeling you'll be able to help plenty of people who will come here after you.

Keep talking to us! Best wishes

I would have paid every cent that I've ever earned or ever will earn if someone had the courage to tell me what was going on in my life behind my back.

There are people who do things easy and there are people who do things because they are right. You need to decide which type of person you are. I know the person that I would be rooting for.

Silver Eagle

I understand your position.

You are protecting your family.

The real question is are you willing to protect his?

I firmly believe when it comes to infidelity that both BS's have a right to know.

Not out of revenge but to know the truth so they can the best decisions for themselves as well as their families.

I feel the BS's have a right to know just how selfish their WS's truly are.

Exposure is to hurt them or their families.

Exposure is to get each BS aware of what is going on in there own marriages so they can take appropriate action concerning their WS's.

HM

Tell his wife.

You would still hold & own the nuclear bomb.