SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Not sure how to add to the discussion. This is a pretty intense discussion. Just wanted to take a crack at the original question: why marriage?

Because of a positive view of marriage. Because I want to be my H's teammate. I love it when we're a team. That was why marriage - it was the ultimate commitment to our teamwork for me. It was the enthusiastic commitment to always have each others' backs.

This is going to sound extremely stupid, since I'm a mad-hatter... But I don't understand "why an affair". Affairs do not make sense to me. What do we gain by having them? Why is it that for some, affairs make more sense than marriage?

For me, it was punishment, not something good to look forward to. I chose my former abuser to sext with. I wanted him to hurt me, not out of pleasure, but because I'd already promised I wouldn't hurt myself again. It was going in with the intention to lose, not gain. And it STILL doesn't make sense to me! I still do not understand how I let myself get so sick. I just think I was a real loser to cheat on my H (then BF).

So maybe I'm delusional and not that different. But for those folks who thought an affair made sense as something good... I don't get it. What was the good thing we were gaining that answers that "why an affair" question?

Sorry if I'm getting this wrong. Please help me understand.

Well zugzwang, one thing is a mental illness and the other is not. I don't believe that amigone was excusing her actions at all, I believe she was calling those into question, so not sure what your question is exactly?

Also you seem to be confusing expectations with perceptions.

Expectations first. Those are what we want. Perceptions are our views of actions or situations. My question is a person with Asperger's accountable in the same way as a person suffering with a mental illness?

I agree she is not excusing. Maybe a little justifying still but for the most part I see stone throwing. He hurt me first. I see, if only I had seen the signs. If only I had not gotten married to someone that wouldn't hold up their end of the bargain. More of a focus on avoiding the situation instead of focusing on how could I choose this as a coping skill to a dysfunctional M situation.

For the record I don't think WOE or anyone else accused her of having wrong perceptions. We were just asking her to take another look. For all we know she probably has. For myself and others that posted we have already admitted that when the shit cleared and we took another look, we realized that our perceptions of what was going on was wrong or warped.

Perceptions can be wrong for the BS as well. I know my wife had that issue. If someone cheats than the one cheated on must be doing something wrong. Must be dropping the ball. She was well aware of society's perception on affairs. She did nothing wrong. It was all about me and my issues.

And I am done going around and around on this issue.

I have tried repeatedly to say that sometimes our perceptions are dead on right, and it is our actions that are the only things that matter. How we cope with the shit that is happening. And changing our coping skills is really the only thing that matters, what actions we take.

I read a quote once that said hardly any of the worst excesses of the most crazed psychopath that can't be easily duplicated in some kindly family guy who just goes to work everyday and just does his job.

We can all talk ourselves into all sorts of bad stuff and see it as normal. Examples abound.

Perception is how you see something.

Reality is what actually is.

Sometimes the two are the same. But not always.

Why dismissive of a possibility that isn't even your possibility and so anything known is ... Wait for it ... Tinged by the tellers perception.

For the record I don't think WOE or anyone else accused her of having wrong perceptions. We were just asking her to take another look.

Exactly right, Zugzwang. I was hoping to offer another POV. I believe it's necessary to look at things from all angles.

I think what I found most interesting was the resistance that it could even be a possibility. I feel when the heels dig in in a defensive manner, that's when we need to take a pause and reexamine what is really going on. Her perception could be reality. But why not say then that thay consideration has been made and founded to be reality. Why all the dramatics? That's what makes me want to question more.

I respect tired girl's POV that a person's perspective may indeed be reality. I also feel that it is the healthiest choice to at least examine whether it may be or not. I think it's important to accept that a possibility exists that it isn't.

No one has ever said that one has to admit to having a twisted perspective of their marriage to move on. For some, it has been. So what harm does it do to at least look at it from the most objective perspective possible?

I actually did do that WOES, and then HL went and proved me right. Up to that point, in our R I was thinking maybe I had been the wrong one all the way along in our whole marriage.

Now I am not so quick to dismiss my gut feelings and perceptions. I am very different in how I act on them .

Tired girl I get a lot of what you are saying with changing your coping skills. I argue all the time that no matter what I can't change that deep down I truly am will always be a selfish person. What I can change is how I behave and in some retrospects (for me) my wrong expectations and some of my perceptions that were not reality. I you have evaluated yours, I am glad you did and found that to not be the issue with you great. I honestly didn't see all of mine till almost a year and a half out from Dday. Though I did see one huge wrong perception on Dday. That being how crushed my wife was over the Affair and realizing how much she truly loved me and believed in me.

I just saw a perception that maybe she missed. Her husband's lack of interest in her or the marriage and whatever else she has described as actually being a side effect of Asperger's. Was it truly about her and the M or was it more about just the syndrome? I know it is hard to not take it personally, but perhaps she really shouldn't be. He would have most likely treated anyone the same way? Then again, I really don't know that much about the syndrome. That is why I am asking. IMO I just see that as being a possible way of having the wrong perception. For all I know she may have already conceded that and is wracked with guilt for doing what she did based on her perception that it was all about her and the M and in truth was all about his syndrome and had nothing to do with her personally.

You know just how some people would perceive that suicide is selfish when in reality the one committing it may be viewing it as a selfless act to spare the people around them from being with someone that they themselves view as being tainted or worthless. When in REALITY they are far from that.

SEE?

But whatever, we are all entitled to our opinions. Yours is right for you and your experiences in life and mine is right for me and what I have spent almost three years digging at. I perceived that my affair was a fucking amusement park with rainbows and unicorns, when in REALITY it was HELL and I was selling my integrity and soul (so to speak) for cotton candy. But, since I perceived it as true it was true at the time. NOT.