SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Nidd,

DON'T BE SORRY!!! i am NOT trying to beat you up.

You should not be willing to reconcile because where she has or has not fucked him.

you should POSSIBLY be willing to reconcile IF she is willing to

(1) stop immediately

(2) no contact with him at all THAT YOU CAN VERIFY

(3) TOTAL TRANSPARENCTY of all her electronics

(40 commitment to YOU

i am not saying with what she has doen you should reconcile but the above are the bare minimums. And by the way do not waste your money on any therapists until you know she is not still banging him.

the problem here NIDD is that until you confront her you are not going to know if anything is possible. the only thing you are going to know is that he is still fucking your wife.

So for your own good, please stop saying "I don't know". You do know but you are shocked and paralyzed. Everyone here is trying in their own way to help you get past that.

There is no reconciliation with her still doing this. Can you accept that????

Nidd,

If this is all real, your head is spinning. The desire to R? I get that. But that is putting the cart before the horse. Right now, you need to get safe. You need to get your feet back under you. You need to assess the situation through a lens of traumatic shock. You need to use your head. Hard to do, when so emotional.

Follow these advices (wk55hn, nononsense, western). Since you're not able to think straight (and how could you be expected to!?), these guys are doing some of the thinking for you. Follow their advices. You can't go wrong with what they're saying to do.

Be strong.

Keep posting.

The cheating rarely is about sexual attractiveness, it is about emotional fulfilment, the other man made her feel good, wouldn't it feel good if someone told you how nice you look, but you would just smile and say thank you and leave it at that, but your wife then was open to more. That does not mean she is unattractive to you. Many, many cheaters have affairs with people who are a definite step down physically, sometimes the affair partner is better looking, but that is very, very rarely the reason, it is the broken-ness inside the cheater, their breakdown in morality, character, integrity. The affair partner's main attractiveness is that they were there - opportunity - and just about anyone good, bad, or ugly would have had the same result with your wife regardless of physical attractiveness.

Nidd,

Your self esteem seems shot.

You need to work on that but after you kill the infidelity, after confrontation and seeing that attorney.

With a self esteem as low as yours, you need to find the courage to confront because she is going to eat you alive. Women don't respect weak guys. You are showing weakness by blaming yourself and making comments that somewhat exonerates her actions by saying your not good enough, that you understand it etc.

You need to find the strength to confront as it may and should come tonight.

but I will repeat this

1) Your wife stayed home (from your Moms)so she can fuck the other man

2) Your wife is a very selfish cake eater who lacks respect for you

3) The toothbrush comment was foul but you are too focused on that. The cheating is the main part there. Focusing on the toothbrush is like getting hit by a truck and wondering if your hair got messed up.

4) It's not that you aren't good enough for your wife, the reality is that she is not good enough for you.

She is contemptable and her actions show this and there is no way I would reconcile.

Nononsense is right. This affair needs to die now and you need to confront now. But you need to be the alpha male during the confrontation. Whether you decide to stay or not is up to you

Listen to me, Nononsense, Canoe, WK and the others here.

How you can just sit there and defend her actions or not be stressed knowing that she is on a 'sabbatical' (i.e. being a whore)and not be angry or think about defending yourself is besides me. She wouldn't get one foot into the house before 'The Talk' would begin.

Good move on seeing the attorney. Next move ?????

[This message edited by Western at 9:55 AM, July 13th (Monday)]

Why do you think the guy is younger? The first post when you said he wore a baseball cap, I thought immediately that I thought the guy was younger, maybe 25-30, because I don't see many guys wear that, plus to wear it while having sex, it just seemed a kid-type of thing. I think it helps you that he be younger than older.

I can't understand why whether he is younger, older, has three legs, or a PHD makes a bit of difference.

What difference does any of that information make

Nidd.

Western was right. When you confront her if you sit down and start begging and crying and pleading with her you are doomed

One simple statement to start the conversation is

"i know exactly what you are doing, Please do not treat me like an idiot and deny it. i heard you talking to your girlfriend as well as other ways i know"

"OW ARE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THE TRUTH AND STOP IT NOW OR ARE YOU NOT"

aND THEN LET HER SPEAK.

Nice story. Posted on another site, but daughter became a son...

agreed Italianjob, agreed...

this seems so off.

Sorry, not helpful - I know - but good lord does this sound like it is being written by someone, as the british say 'taking a pi$$'

WOW..... your story is similar to mine. Only difference is that I took action while you are not.

I had a PI follow my almost exw and once he got the evedence he called me and i showed up at the hotel where they were. That hotel was so lousy that nobody even saw me go by till the room where OM and WW were fxxxking. When i was about to knock OM was comming out and all hell brooke out.

We have 2 kids, and for my WW it was only sex and only with this OM during our 18 years of marriege.

Anyway.... I think it's time to man up my friend.

If I was you, without saying a word, i would go buy a new mattress for the bed and and right after through out the old one, and then tell your WW to go sleep on the old one wherever but Not in your bedroom. Dont say nothing else.

Then go straight to a laywer and have him prepare the paperwork for D. AND hand them to your WW.

At that point let her see your proof and tell her to sign otherwise all is going to friends and family, including the video.

This now and fast, do not consider anything (R. MC, IC or seperation) for at least 2 weeks. Ignore her TOTALY, your only talk should be: SIGN THE PAPERS.

You have received some excellent advice. I would like to address the following from your OP:

“Before we had our daughter we used to go out every night and do romantic stuff for couples and our sex life was amazing! Now, we hardly ever have sex. That is one thing that started bothering me and I started missing but I realized that at this age sex cannot come first and that this rut that me and my wife are in is normal for all couples in our situation.”

Your wife considers you family like a brother or father. You may supply 90% of her needs and the OM the remaining 10%. She’s having a great life now called “cake eating.”

When you threaten to withdraw the 90% she may panic and suddenly discover how much she loves you or may want to run off with the OM.

In order to understand what’s going on in her brain I recommend a 20 video by Helen Fisher. Search for “why we cheat why we love.”

Nice story. Posted on another site, but daughter became a son...

Please alert a mod asap.

Welcome to the club Nidd. You aren't alone.

edited/deleted by CanoeVA

[This message edited by CanoeVA at 1:36 PM, July 13th (Monday)]

The posting on other sites thing, it's normal when you just found out and are looking for the best help.

Nidd, this site is the one I've found that's helped me the most.

Quick advise. Do what space ghost ( a member here ) has done

For ur own sanity serve her divorce paper along with the video tape

I can't imagine. The horrible moments u have lived , I felt dizzy when I read ur post and wanted to vomit

Best wishes

The posting on other sites thing, it's normal when you just found out and are looking for the best help.

On the other site he has an 11 year old son. On this site he has an 11 year old daughter. Each site has it written numerous times. It was not an accidental key slip. One is clear headed enough to share the most sordid and specific of details of the sex, but is not clear about the gender of his child?

Maybe that's not odd.

[This message edited by DIFM at 2:18 PM, July 13th (Monday)]

Or...he doesn't want anyone to google his story with the specific details and find him here and there, or wherever.

Whatever the case, there's real no way of telling but I would give advice regardless because more than this poster is reading our responses and can learn from it, thus consider it "practice".

I want you to really think what the worst possible outcome would be from her affair.

What is it you fear the most?

If it’s divorce or losing your wife… well… think it really through.

You see – if the fear of losing your marriage is the driving force in your life then your best bet would be to ignore the affair. After all – experience tells us infidelity-relationships seldom lasts. Your wife will have her fun and after a couple of months it will be over. Granted chances are she will move on to a new lover but in-between things might be semi-normal between you two.

You could make arrangements so that you don’t have to worry if she’s brushed her teeth… You can change sheets daily…

If this doesn’t sound good then really reevaluate the worst case scenario.

IMHO the absolute worst case scenario has got to be REMAINING in infidelity.

The issue I have with the scenario where you demand your wife does something is that it places too much power in her hands. When you tell her that she had to do a then b and tell you c “or else” places control in her hands. She can lie, she can stall, she can deny, she can react in so many ways that you can’t control… Plus she will feel coerced into whatever resolution you plan.

I suggest the following:

With no pre-warning tell your wife that you know of her affair.

You don’t have to tell her why. You don’t have to prove to her that you know. You simply state that you know, you know about the hotel and the visit to the house. No need to show her the recording.

Then tell her that you have had an epiphany. You have realized that losing her is not the worst outcome of her affair but remaining with her while she’s in infidelity is immensely worse. Furthermore then in your mind you have already lost her. The marriage you had is dead. If there is to be any reconciliation it will be a new marriage.

Then tell her she is totally free to see OM. She can go on dates with him, give him BJ’s, hold hands and skip into the sunset.

BUT NOT AS YOUR WIFE.

Then tell her that until and unless she freely on her own free will tells you she wants to reconcile and is willing to do what is required to make that possible you are simply assuming the marriage is over. All that’s left is the technical aspect of divorce.

Try to be as calm as you can while telling her this.

Don’t enter into detailed discussions about divorce. Simply say that there are procedures in place to make the process as fair as possible for both of you. Avoid arguments – this is not the time to argue. It’s the time to state facts and how things will be. If she presses then simply say “I am too emotionally attached to this marriage to discuss the details of the divorce rationally. My attorney will handle these things for me. I plan on being fair, but won’t go out of my way to accommodate your needs”.

Be very clear on this: It’s not enough that she accepts reconciliation with an “I guess so” or with a hanging hand. She has to tell you very clearly that she wants to reconcile and that she’s willing to do what’s needed to reach that goal.

Your INITIAL demands should be an immediate commitment to NC. This has to be VERY strict. She can’t call to break it off. The ONLY communication will be a short, non-personal NC letter:

“OM – Our affair is wrong and has placed my marriage at risk. I will never again contact you in any way. I demand you don’t contact me. Any contact will be shared with my husband and can have legal consequences.”

A second requirement is the name of the OM.

A third is total transparency. She has to be an open book.

If she asks for reconciliation and follows the above then you can consider looking into reconciliation.

If not or if not done clearly you simply move on.

You expose the affair. You let people know you two are divorcing because she has an affair partner (never dignify him with the title “lover”). You carry on with life but start disengaging. You split finances, have the house valued, and gather old tax returns… Basically you move on.

Chances are your reactions will confuse her. Being determined and not directly confrontational will make her wonder what she’s missing. What she’s risking.

I am guessing OM is married. After all – why the hotel and your house if he could take her to his house? You need to let his wife know the moment you get his name. Your WW might condition getting his name to not telling anyone but ignore that. Don’t tell her you will expose, just do it.

I agree with Jduff. Let's not chase this guy off of here because we are making assumptions.

besides, if anyone else is in a similar situation out there, they could learn from this

I've read through this post and thread and came to a conclusion (my own, obviously) that the post is bullsh-t, at least in part and probably completely.

If I'm correct, this is super sad and also makes me angry. I've been triggering all f-cking morning because of this post. Which is ironic as I know what kind of sex my FWW had with her AP: pretty average and nothing she and I haven't done better. Nothing like the situation described by the OP. But I'm triggering nonetheless. I'm only 3 months out and it doesn't take much to trigger.

Hours of my work day shot, back to thinking of moving out, etc. If this is fake then OP is a far bigger POS than any WS described on this site.