SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It can vary how much contact they have with one another. Sometimes once a day they email. Friday was 3 or 4 times.

There is another two-ish months left on this project then he's out of the picture. He'd still be in the company, maybe.

She admits she was sad at having to lose him. They talked every day for a year. They haven't talked (besides business only emails) this week. She was sad that he is going to be on vacation next week. She said that she wanted to reach out to him on Friday, before he left. But she did not.

"You can't have a little cocaine and hope to feel a little better." Something to that effect at least. She says that she can't expect a little "Hi, how are you?" emails to him to make her feel better. She knows that it would do no good.

If she is a cocaine addict, is it good that she be around cocaine every day, at least for the next "two-ish months" "maybe"?

When is she quitting the job? Has she at least started looking for something else yet? Is her offering to leave just words, or real actions?

Thanks for the updates.

I for one am extremely proud of you for how well you've been handling yourself in this situation! Sure, mistakes will perhaps be made, but so far you're doing extremely well! A bro-hug and a fist-bump for you!

Like others have said, keep talking to us, we're here for you!

Best wishes

Has she at least started looking for something else yet? Is her offering to leave just words, or real actions?

This. Words are cheap. Words can be lies. Actions......

She did mention that she saw a job that might be an easy transition for her. She mentioned the title and company, so I don't she's lying.

It's not what she wants to do but she could probably make the transition.

Sorry it's harder to post over the weekend without being noticed. I do not want her to know about this site.

Books have been bought.

She did mention that she saw a job that might be an easy transition for her.

Of course it goes without saying that this new job does not involve travel for the foreseeable future. That level of trust is right out the window.

It's not what she wants to do

Tough shit. It's called consequences. Maybe someday she can move back into some job she "likes" more. Maybe. But now, if's she's serious about R, she does whatever it takes. And one thing it takes right now is that she has a job where you don't have to worry about her pants falling off cuz OM walked by.

Actions. Has she updated her resume? Mailed it? I hear words. Tell us the action.

I do not want her to know about this site.

Absolutely don't let her know about this site. This is your place to talk about things you're not ready to talk to her about. To vent your feelings. Without having to worry about "offending" your WW.

Books have been bought.

Good. Give them to her with no demands. She needs to read them because she wants to, not because you want her to.

[This message edited by tbkjcn at 11:15 AM, July 19th (Sunday)]

Hm, I kind of told her to read them. She was looking for books anyway of that type.

She has been acting differently lately. Small things more than anything.

The job thing is one of those I didn't push hard on. Until Friday it wasn't even an option. I'll have to check and see if she's worked on her resume or not.

She makes over 50% more than I do, and I like our lifestyle but those are excuses. I'll check more into that one.

On a somewhat related note, I've been sticking to the 180 pretty hardcore and realizing how damn true No More Mr. nice Guy is. That's my new bible! Right now I don't know what the future is going to hold but I'm already happier than I was.

I kind of told her to read them.

Asking isn't demanding. I meant don't drop them in her lap and say "you must read these." You didn't demand she read them. She's free to read them or not read them, her choice. One is a good sign and one isn't.

She has been acting differently lately. Small things more than anything.

That's good but she really needs to get to the point that she's doing everything she can to help you. Maybe she will get there. Maybe you'll run out of patience.

I'll have to check and see if she's worked on her resume or not

It's up to her. You shouldn't need to nag her about the things she needs to do, she will do them gladly and eagerly if she wants to stay married to you. Those books aren't long, it shouldn't take her long to read them and you'll see if she "gets it."

She makes over 50% more than I do

I get that, I really really do. The last thing you want is to screw yourself financially, because:

and I like our lifestyle but those are excuses

Eh, not really. If you end up in R, then not putting yourself in a financial bind is important to you. If you end up in D, then it possibly affects your position in terms of spousal support. (Yes, you're more than likely entitled to support if she makes more than you). If having her quit her job tomorrow morning would put a huge financial strain on you and your kids, then that's not the right choice for you. Let her get a new job lined up. But she needs to be busting her ass to make it happen. As I am sure you've figured out from the number of times people here have brought it up, the A isn't ever truly over so long as she works with him and can talk to him. The faster she gets out of that job (or him, but its unlikely he'd leave on his own accord) the faster she may get out of her delusion that they were "in love."

Right now I don't know what the future is going to hold but I'm already happier than I was.

I've got to say, you're handling this about 500 times better than I did. Than a lot of guys would. To be where you are in a week tells me that no matter what your future holds you will be OK. You're on a train to happiness, with her or without her. If she choses to board the train with you and share in your happiness then good for her. If she chooses to remain in the station and watch you fade into the distance of your new-found happiness, then too bad for her. That's really your final goal of this shitstorm, to discover that true happiness comes from inside, not from who you're with, to discover that a marriage is two happy people sharing their happiness with each other. Not two sad people trying to make the other happy. That is doomed to failure. I spent 28 years trying and failed miserably.

Keep updating, venting, whatever, we're here to listen.

[This message edited by tbkjcn at 2:37 PM, July 19th (Sunday)]

I wouldn't be where I am without you guys. Your support throughout this has helped me more than anything else. You guys don't let up on me when I am being stupid. Don't let up on me. I need the kick in the ass.

I wouldn't be where I am without you guys. Your support throughout this has helped me more than anything else. You guys don't let up on me when I am being stupid. Don't let up on me. I need the kick in the ass.

This has nothing to do with being stupid. YOU ARE IN SHOCK.

Now if the statement above in quotes is correct, go back and read all the specific things i and others have told you to do that do not apply to her quitting the job, because that probably will not happen tomorow.

there is a lot more shit that involves nothing about reading books that you need to do, and do at warp speed.

How about a progress report on that once you do some of it????

Stupid is someone who makes the same mistakes over and over. You have a chance to be smart.

People change jobs for all kinds of reasons. I left a job to move and be part of a church. I left another job because the commute was hurting my family. I left another job to work for our church.

Yes, it's nice to have more money. And that last one has hurt us financially for years now. And yet... It really is only money.

I wouldn't tell WW what to do with her job. Heck, I wouldn't even ask her. At the risk of appearing passive aggressive, I'd be all, like, "You do what you need to do to stay faithful and change your character from the unfaithful woman you were." Then, if she didn't leave, I think I'd file for D and tell her she doesn't seem serious about her faithfulness if she stayed at a job with her AP.

That's what I think I'd do. But then, I've quit a few jobs myself and my life and sense of purpose don't come from an employer...

I think you are doing OK, but I think you have to stay focused right now - end the affair. The affair is not over yet, it is just temporarily pausing. If you play baseball, it's like a rain delay in the sixth inning, and you're not sure if the rain is going to end and the game will continue to play or that it will keep raining and the game actually will end. The behavior change is a very good sign, but it could change on a dime in a second.

Follow through with the other man's wife.

Follow through with your wife starting to find another job. Tell your wife that you have thought it over and you just can't do this if she stays in that job. You can't make her quit the job, but if she won't, then at least you know where you stand, and how important she thinks of you. Sorry, she shouldn't have shit where she ate.

Follow through with the attorney, don't tell your wife.

Number one sign of cheating is hiding/guarding the phone. Number two sign is behavior. After the cheating is discovered, she will be able to hide it because she knows, so the only thing you can go by is the behavior. The behavior is good enough, your wife is not polished enough to pull it off plus you are sharp enough to be able to spot her behavior signals now, BUT you can put a voice-activated recorder in her car for a couple of days to just be sure.

Finally, if the other man's wife finds out, I think you should be prepared. It's fairly common, your wife may be ranging from mildly unhappy up to going ballistic. Be prepared to what you are going to say when she screams at you, if it comes to that. She may say you are a monster for hurting that innocent woman, tell your wife that SHE is the one who hurt that innocent woman by fucking her husband, not YOU by telling THE TRUTH. Tell her we all deserve to know the truth about our lives.

Thanks for the updates! Like I said, you seem to be doing really really well, I'm proud of you!

How has your support system been in real life thus far? Friends, family, doctor,...?

Best wishes

I agree with Nononsense and WK

I also agree with Nononsense and WK-- I threw myself into what I thought was total R, turned out to be false R. I had all the passwords to all the known emails, ran Dr. Fone on his smartphone all the time, but he had a pay as you go with a separate SIM card at the office, so I never picked anything up. Took me a YEAR of intensive sleuthing to find out he was still banging the OW.

Based upon my sorry experience (30+ years of marriage, three kids, he could lose his job because of the strict policy against relationships in the workplace-- didn't stop him, didn't slow him down)-- I say 180 as hard and soon as possible. Shake 'em down and see where the cards fall. My guess is that you are the quality partner, the OP has issues.

Good luck, sending support and strength!

I think you are trying to rugsweep I can Overcome. You are finding one good tomato off the plant and assuming all of them are good.

You don't want to verify anything, you don't make any consequences for her and you ignore her ability to cover things up.

I think you need to revisit your strategy

If you get into contact with OM's wife, you can ask her to get copies of the email correspondence between the two cheaters.

You are doing the right things.

Working on self is more important than trying to change her. She has to change herself.

If you get the emails you can read some out loud to her.

The reality is that she was really into OM. Maybe she will reevaluate those feelings if she returns whole heartedly to your relationship. No guarantees. One possibility is that she a selfish person who will not ever completely commit to you. Even her commitment to herself be half assed.

This is scary for your kids, too, because she might not be such a great mother.

Other than getting a VAR, I don't think I've done too bad. I went out yesterday with a bunch of people and today we were all together as a family all day.

I am for sure going to get a VAR.

She's read three books so far on this stuff. We've talked at length about everything over and over. I don't know what else I can do currently.

If I didn't know about the affair, I'd swear we had the best weekend together in years. Because of the affair, though, I known have to be cautious. She could be lying.

I've told her repeatedly that she can go any time. I don't need her. I've reassured her that I will not take the children away from her. I don't want her staying because she is afraid I'd go for full custody.

She's told over and over again how sorry she was. She is worried about her job but she'll leave for me. Our kids and I are worth it for her to leave and she understands how stupid of a mistake it was.

I'm at a loss right now what to do.

We've actually been a better couple in the last two days than we have in years. I've been following the 180. I've been less concerned about pleasing her. I am remembering what I used to be like. I am getting back to me. I know I have to be really careful not to fall back into old routines.

She caused me a ton of pain. She brought up an affair of another couple that lived on my street and I got a pain in my stomach. I'm not out of this but I am trying to feel and grow.

I think you are trying to rugsweep I can Overcome.

I'm not convinced of this. I think it's a danger, yes but I'm going to wait a few weeks and see how this plays out. It's always easier to fall back on old patterns and habits that to deal with this shit. But I do see action. Maybe not the decisive "kick her to the curb" type of action, but none the less, action. He's seeing a lawyer, having D papers drawn up, she's reading the right books. I don't see a lot of action on her parts and that does worry me a bit. But we'll see.

Working on self is more important than trying to change her. She has to change herself.

Yep. Goes back to my earlier comments. One only has control of oneself. ICan, you can only change you, and only WW can change herself, if she wants to.

I don't think I've done too bad.

You've done good for being a week in. It takes most (me included) weeks or even months to overcome the paralysis and start to take action.

Because of the affair, though, I known have to be cautious. She could be lying.

And that's the attitude you need to have. For a long time. Until proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that it's not needed anymore. Most here say it takes 2 to 5 years to recover from this shit. I believe them. I'm a month shy of a year out and I find myself bitter more than not these days. And I didn't have to endure months of TT, false R and all the other nightmares that go with this crap.

I've told her repeatedly that she can go any time. I don't need her.

Good. That's the attitude you need to be displaying. And it should be scaring the crap out of her. You're showing a position of strength to her, she needs to know that if you chose D, that you'll be just peachy fine, not pining away in a corner of a dark room sobbing for what used to be. Your happiness does not depend on her being in your life.

I've been less concerned about pleasing her. I am remembering what I used to be like. I am getting back to me.

Awesome. That's exactly where you need to be. Just don't be surprised when the angries hit. Fair warning, they will. One day you'll be happy and convinced that you'll make it, the next sad and depressed, the next pissed as hell because "how could she do this to me?"

I'm at a loss right now what to do.

You're doing it. At least well on the start. The rest will come. Keep that lawyer appointment. Get those papers. Make sure OBS got your message (don't tell WW you've done this). Keep your WW accountable. Intensive IC for her. And (if you think you need it), have her sign off on letting her IC talk to your IC and trade notes. She offered you access to her phone and computer. Take her up on that. Random unannounced checks. cell phone tracking software, keyloggers, whatever you need to give you reassurance. You're in charge here.

She brought up an affair of another couple that lived on my street

Brought up in what way?

[This message edited by tbkjcn at 8:58 PM, July 19th (Sunday)]

We were talking with another couple about how crazy our street was for partying until one couple had an affair. For some reason it felt like a punch to the gut. Actually she stopped sort of bringing about the affair but I knew where she was going.

I'm curious about why that would hit me.

We talked a lot today about her relapsing and stuff. It's been kind of sad talking about it so casually but she knows what she is up against on some level.

I started getting worried that it had just been too easy. I had hard days. Sunday through Thursday were the worst days of my life. Hands down. Something clicked on Thursday and I just turned happy.

Today was a little more dose of real world but almost detached. It seems weird to talk about her relapsing and we can have a real conversation.