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Hey Deserta. Everyone is telling me to tell the husband and I do understand the resoning. I say i dont want to tell because i dont want to break up his family but there is more to it than that. For one thing I dont know this guy from Adam. For all I know he is aware of this situation. My fear is that by telling this guy, his wife might have nothing to lose and put my relationship on blast on social media. What do you guys think? Am i off the mark? Part of me wants to tell her husband because fuck her and her friend. Id relish in the thought off flipping there lives upside down. But i would hate for them to try and drag my name through the mud on thier way down. Even though I shouldn't have to cover for my wifes decision to cheat, I dont want to be a label (the guy who married a slut). And i especially dont want my children to grow up knowing about this.

[This message edited by Bees at 11:32 PM, July 16th (Thursday)]

Two married accomplices committing adultery bonded together because they both have something to lose if one of them tells.

If the other husband found out wouldn't you want him to tell you and not leave you in the dark? Good news is your wife told you. Bad news she was full aware of what she was doing at the time and cheated regardless if it was peer pressure or personal fantasy.

Both of them made the OM's day and decided to crap on their husbands.

What about you tell the husband because simply it's the right thing to do?

So you're saying if the husband of the other woman had found out, it would have been ok to keep the information from you? It would have been alright for you to live your life unaware of what your wife had done?

Hi, I'm sorry you're going through this, but so far you seem to be doing admirably well, all things considered!

I urge you to tell the other betrayed husband! He deserves to know, so he can protect himself from STDs from his cheating wife. He also must protect himself from being blindsided by his wife if one day she decides she wants to divorce him -> if he knows, he won't be blindsided, surprised by false domestic violence accusations etc. Bottom line, he deserves to know.

You and your wife should get checked for stds and shouldn't have unprotected sex until then. Also, be wary not only of STDs, but of her getting "accidentally" pregnant.

I cannot emphasize enough how important it is that YOU get yourself some individual counselling with a GOOD counsellor with experience in infidelity and PTSD, to help you with the betrayal and everything.

It's good that you'll be telling friends and family, you need their support.

I also encourage you to google "No more mr. nice guy pdf", it's a great book available online for free and while you don't seem like the usual nice guy, it still might help you. Alternatively, go to the library and get a copy of "Married man sex life primer".

Also, have your wife google "How to help your spouse heal linda macdonald pdf", it's a great book available online for free.

Will your WW be going to individual therapy for herself?

Have you considered having her do a polygraph to ensure this is the first time she cheated and that it was a one time thing?

Keep talking to us, we're here to listen, support and help you.

Best wishes!

Everyone is telling me to tell the husband and I do understand the resoning. I say i dont want to tell because i dont want to break up his family but there is more to it than that. For one thing I dont know this guy from Adam. For all I know he is aware of this situation. My fear is that by telling this guy, his wife might have nothing to lose and put my relationship on blast on social media. What do you guys think? Am i off the mark? Part of me wants to tell her husband because fuck her and her friend. Id relish in the thought off flipping there lives upside down. But i would hate for them to try and drag my name through the mud on thier way down. Even though I shouldn't have to cover for my wifes decision to cheat, I dont want to be a label (the guy who married a slut). And i especially dont want my children to grow up knowing about this

OK..... so your plan of action is what?

put your head in the sand?

Rugsweap?

Nice her back?

Forget and forgive?

Sorry.... not going to work.

Bees,

My WW had a ONS on a business trip. That's all it was. It doesn't matter. The betrayal is truly devastating. You're going to find out very soon just how devastating this is. I feel for you, man. I know and understand what you're going through. I've been there and done that, and hardly three months later I'm still unhinged.

First, I would highly recommend exploring "The Healing Library." Look at the yellow area on the screen up and to your left. Find the "Articles" tab and read a bit.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/articles.asp

She told me it was an accident

This was no "accident," this was a choice. Your wife chose to cheat. Do not allow her to blame alcohol, her friends, you or your marriage. There is no justification for infidelity. Say that out loud, repeated it as often as you need to, and then, do all you can to drive this notion into your WW's (wayward wife) head. There is no justification for infidelity. It is NOT an accident.

It made me feel like an emasculated bitch and I'm not I'm a fucking stud!

Her cheating had nothing to do with you! This is not your fault!Nothing you could have done or said before the ONS would have made any difference. Do not blame yourself and by all means do not allow your WW to blame you. There are much deeper issues here than you or your WW realize yet. I'm just starting to realize this myself; that we each have our own shit to deal with. My WW is going to have to figure out what terrible issues she's had for years--indeed, her entire life--that lead her to do something so incredibly self-destructive.

I am going to tell you that the level of insecurity I now feel rivals that of the awkward teenage kid I once was (3 decades ago). This just comes with territory, brother. It sucks to high heaven, but it's an all inclusive package, if you know what I mean.

Part of me wants to tell her husband. But I can't bring myself to do it to the poor bastard. After everything I've gone through I just can't bring that on him and I don't want to be involved in breaking up there home. I love kids too much and I don't ever want to do anything that could hurt a child it would just be too much weight on my soul.

I understand this. I really do. I would never want to hurt anyone like this, ever. Nevertheless, you are not causing this pain. You had nothing to do with this threesome, nothing to do with the choices they made. However, you can choose to be honorable. For me, not doing everything in my power to reach out to the OM's spouse (other man) would make me an accomplice to infidelity; guilt by association. I will not be a party to her infidelity. I did NOT make that choice. I believed then, and still firmly hold the conviction now, that I had a moral obligation to tell everyone directly involved. I've made that effort and I'm damn glad I did it. I simply refuse, now and forever, to condone infidelity, even by omission.

I told my wife I still love her and I feel like I can forgive her

Let the word "forgive" drop from your vocabulary! Three months out from D-day (discovery day) and I'm not even considering forgiveness. Not yet. Not by a long shot. There is far too much to work through, including whether or not I want to remain married to her, before I ever entertain the notion of forgiveness. And just what is it she wants me to forgive? The ONS? The lies she told afterwards? Weeks of blame-shifting? The text messages I had to read when I discovered her infidelity? The pain and anguish I've felt and still feel and will most likely feel tomorrow and next week and years into the future? Rage so intense it scares the shit out of ME?

Don't even worry about whether or not you can forgive her for betraying you in the worst possible way a woman could ever betray a man! Get that out of your head; you've going to feel a lot worse before you begin to feel better.

had pretty hot sex.(I know I'm fucking weird).

Okay. This is a huge issue here. Google and read up on "hysterical bonding." Two days after D-day I had sex with my wife. I didn't do it because I wanted her. I did it simply to prove to myself that I could still driver her to China and back. I did. It felt good to know that this old man still had it in me. Sexual prowess issues dismissed! But it didn't stop there. I felt a truly desperate, almost primal, need to reclaim my woman, like a caveman grunting: "No! Mine!" I was a major hysterical bonder and I'm convinced it really did send the wrong message to my WW. It confused the hell out of her when I should have been holding her feet to the fire.

The real fault in this whole situation falls completely on my wife

100%! Hold on to this truth and don't back down from it. This was not your fault! It will take some time before she really get this; common with WSs (wayward spouses). If she's anything like my wife at all, she will blame-shift, offer excuses and rationalizations, all to avoid taking full responsibility for her actions and the devastation she had done to you, the marriage and your family.

I just can't control how I feel the next minute.

You are in shock!Unfortunately, that shock takes a long, long time to even start to wear off. I'm getting there. Slowly. I've come to accept what happened. So, welcome aboard the rollercoaster, man. It sucks worse than anything I've ever experienced. I have wept one hour and raged the next. It will get better. You will become increasingly more capable to dealing with it; but it's hard. Very hard. For me, it not so much hourly as it is daily. Some days are good and I can relax, feel a little happy... then WHAM! You're going to learn about these triggers over the next few weeks, months... hell even veterans of true reconciliation have trigger years and years later.

Hopefully, you've already realized that the people here on SI know and understand (more or less) what you're going through and what the future holds for you. In just under two months my unhinged ass had written and/or responded to over 300 posts. There is tremendous wisdom here.

Lastly, and this is critically important, IMHO (in my humble opinion). Do not make any major decision for at least a few months. Contacting your lawyer and exploring your options is a good idea and I'd highly suggest you don't tell your wife about this, at least not until you feel you absolutely have to tell her. Make sure you BOTH get tested for STDs as soon as possible. It's humiliating but you have no choice! That's bound to really piss you off, I know.

Keep reading/posting on SI. Take care of yourself as well as you can. Try to eat. Get some exercise and some sleep. You're going to have to pick yourself up by the boot straps and your WW most likely won't lift a finger to help with that for quite a while.

Good luck, Bees.

You do sound like a really cool guy and I imagine it was hard for you to admit some tngs that a lot of people think, but never say, like how it turned you on, but you immediately felt repulsed when the reality set in.

Hang in there, you're doing great, punching hm in the face. Yeah!

It's rough bro. I'm 2 months out myself, it does get better if she is trying. But you sound like the same as me. You might think it's all an act, cause that's how I feel sometimes. And I said the same thing too. If we didn't have a young kid together, u would be gone. And that is the truth. But def stay away from drinking, I learned that the hardway, it brings out all the emotions and it sucks. And i'll tell you, I thought about getting another girl just like you, but 2 things wrong with that. 1. If you do and she finds out, u might think it will have the same devestated result on her, but she might see it as well, we are even now and not feel bad about it anymore. And 2. You will feel like shit after cause u know you're a good guy and now you went against all your principles that you live by. I know the feeling You feel embarrassed and betrayed. And just feel like a bitch really. I know the feeling well right now. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about it. But with time it seems to get better, go to counseling, it definitely helps. But you have to see if she is putting the effort in too. Best of luck bro.

[This message edited by Helpless4now at 6:00 AM, July 17th (Friday)]

Bees,

There are some positives in your situation.

It sounds like a spur-of-the-moment event. Doesn’t sound preplanned or premeditated.

She came clean on her own accord.

OK – “Positives” is relative. What you are facing is immensely hard and tough. It’s like if you have to run a double marathon. When betrayed spouses need to deal with trickle-truth, discovery, ending the affair and all that then it’s like running the double marathon wearing a suit of armor. With your wife coming clean, with what she’s shared… it’s like you have ditched the armor and have been given a pair of good shoes.

Wearing good shoes doesn’t make running a double marathon easy – it only makes it easier…

Get the difference? Both will be extremely hard but while running in armor is close to impossible then running in good shoes could be done.

You have already gotten good advice and basically I’m only going to reiterate some of it.

The main issue is that there is NOTHING you did or did not do that made her do this.

Think rape-victim here: No matter how a woman dresses, what part of town she walks in, whom she trusts… if she’s raped it’s ALWAYS the fault of the rapist. Same with you – no matter what you and WW fantasized about, how you behaved etc. then it was her decision to have the ONS. She pulled the trigger. She took this over the line that shouldn’t be crossed.

Him being a stud and you being lacking… Well… Think this through… At what point did the OM become this “stud”? Wasn’t that too late? Wasn’t the decision made, the die cast, at the point he was this “stud”? I think he was “good enough”. That’s it. Your WW got caught in a vortex where the combination of intoxication, OW and OM was attractive enough to make her swim into the flow rather than out.

Another major issue IMHO is to realize that NO MATTER WHAT then your wife decided to partake. Booze, Xanax… all that are reasons for why she made that decision but at the end of the day SHE decided to cross that line.

Why is this important? Well… If we find any excuse to diminish her accountability then we are running the risk of this happening again. Think of a parade: We don’t get over-excited if a horse in the parade takes a dump. After all the horse doesn’t know better and can’t control it. But what if a member of the marching band pulled down his trousers and left one there?

If your WW and YOU don’t accept that her infidelity was 100% HER FAULT then you are doomed for a repeat.

The booze and Xanax? Well… My wife has a very good friend that’s active in AA. This friend only drank 3-4 times a year but nearly each time she would drink too much, become flirtatious and more likely than not have sex with someone other than her husband. (Strangely enough they divorced because of his affair…). Turns out that she attended a woman’s AA group with about 20 other that all shared the same drinking pattern. I mention this because you and WW need to evaluate what her “normal” drinking pattern is. If she goes over the top, passes out, becomes flirtatious etc. then maybe she needs to stop or seriously limit her drinking.

Another factor she needs to look into is to better evaluate her physical condition when drinking. People react differently when tired, stressed etc.

She also needs to really look into why she accepted the Xanax. Was it a Xanax? Could the “friend” have passed her (intentionally or unintentionally) Rophenol or something like that? Not that it diminishes WW accountability: She should know never to accept a drink she doesn’t see poured and to never accept drugs from unknown sources. That casual friend does not qualify as a known source. Once again: It’s accountability – SHE created the conditions that led to her crossing that line.

Heck – could even be that the Xanax relaxed her enough to be careless about her drinks – allowing someone else to slip in a mickey. But even then… her carelessness is caused by her carelessness… her accountability…

However… Your wife accepting the total blame and you accepting that your wife is totally to blame does not mean you have to define her for life as an adulteress. This single action is not what defines her. Rather recall what made you attracted to her in the first place and monitor the actions she takes to make up for and to prevent a repeat of her actions.

I think you should tell OMW and OWH. Two reasons for that:

Infidelity can only be dealt with from a basis of truth. The exposure makes sure every person is clear on what’s going on.

All stakeholders need to know and need to base their decision on the truth. If this leads to a divorce in another marriage then so be it. It’s not YOU that caused that divorce but the actions of the participants in the divorce.

So will someone blast your WW affair on social media? Well… frankly… so what? Might be the news-of-the-day for a week. Or not. It will blow over and soon a celebrity, politician, sports personality or priest will do something that will replace your story as the news of the day.

I think you will both benefit from IC.

What an IC does as opposed to a MC is he evaluates and helps YOU deal with YOUR emotions. You need help for your feelings of loss and inadequacies.

He helps her discover how she stumbled along this path of wrong decisions. How to cope with the guilt of her actions. How to be accountable for her actions.

An MC will help you two communicate those inadequacies with each other and how to establish those necessary checks and balances that define a good marriage. In your case I could see the benefits of the IC/MC being the same person, but if you go that path then ask beforehand the MC’s view on causes of infidelity. If he makes the slightest mention of infidelity being signs of a bad marriage then go elsewhere.

She confessed because enough other people knew that it would be found out eventually. Damage control.

Yes wk55hn… If you chose to see monsters under each and every bed then maybe she did.

But she could also have kept silent and tried to hide behind denial and claiming it wasn’t so bad or all lies. She could have feigned ignorance. She could have gone into damage deniability. But instead she confessed.

The positive thing is that NO MATTER WHY she came on her own accord and confessed.

t/j

I can’t really grasp the seemingly commonly held concept that all wayward spouses are scheming, master-mind-level, world-domination planners with a serious well thought agenda. In about 10 out of 10 cases IMHO they tend to be confused, misguided people with no clear path out of their misery. Unlike the BS – who have us to offer guidance – they tend to be alone with their thoughts and actions and therefore react in a more predictable and basic manner. Yes – his wife might have confessed due to fear. We could reach that conclusion. We could also deduct that she was hot for OM because he was such a stud, or that the WW is secretly gay, or that she’s a drug-addict, or that this has happened a gazillion times… but why always deduct and act according to the absolute worst case scenario? IF dealt with correctly a MAJOR path on recovery is the truth being on the table. Deal with the issues when they become real and true – not when speculations or innuendo.

I am going to make a couple of points;

1) While I agree with the OP in that one doesn't want to be the 'fun police', girls nights out can often be problematic. If hitting singles places, even more so. And nothing is wrong with Buffalo Wild Wings and many of us think our wives are 'hot' but knowing the crowd they are with and where they are going can prevent problems.

2) OP can ask several on this board that talking about open marriages and threesomes with the wife often times will lead to cheating. I am stunned to understand how the OP would want some guy joining him in hammering his wife as though that would be ok but the thought of her cheating hurts him. Sounds like a contradiction. Regardless, I have a simple solution - Noone touches my wife except for me and noone talks about open marriage around me. I don't even associate with those people. If my wife did this, conversation over immediately and she's going to counseling asap

3) OP was correct to chase her away the night she told him and make her feel guilt but then he decided to forgive too fast, even before he knew the details. Then he opened the door for further cheating by her because his getting turned on with her as she spoke about her getting banged by the other guy to some point affirms her actions at the same time that he's attacking them. Mixed signals supports action, doesn't discourage them.

4) The other people owe you nothing true. But they owe it to themselves and society not to be hypocritical pieces of shit. They don't want someone to tap their spouse but they'll cake eat themselves.

5) OP here should tell the other OBS .

6) Violence is not the answer. If OP here used the same energy that he expended hitting and tracking down the other guy and instead created a gameplan and better boundaries for his marriage as well as a recovery plan, he would be making progress towards recovery.

I think it sounds like both you and your wife need work on stronger boundaries.

I also think not telling OW's husband is you playing right into their hands. They are counting on you keeping quiet.

Also..your wife walking around crying isn't helping much, is it? Because it's selfish. It does nothing to help heal the damage she has caused. She needs to become proactive. MC should be a big NO right now..not until your WW has been to IC first. She didn't cheat because of problems in the marriage. Something inside of her said it was ok..and until she examines that..and works through it..she is still wayward.

Your wife needs to be in therapy, she needs to learn about boundaries. Because without question, there will be other guys who are going to hit on your wife...at work, the store, wherever, so HOW will your wife handle it next time.

I am certain she is promising that she will never do this again. But really, how does she know that, when she doesn't even know why she did it this time.

The alcohol is no excuse and if it is, then she can never ever have another drink again the rest of her life.

She needs to learn boundaries, otherwise this will happen again.

What will you do the next time your wife says she wants to go out with her friends, how will you feel? Will you trust her, or will you have a knot in your stomach?

It is going to take a long time to rebuild the trust you used to have in her.

First I just want to say thank you to the understanding people that are being kind and giving me positive feedback.

Since this has happened to me I haven't been able to talk to anyone and this forum is the only thing that has come close to releasing the stress of my situation. I just want to let some of you know that you are not helping me. I understand that most of you think telling the husband is a good idea and in time I might but right now I'm just trying to deal with me. I never know how I'm going to feel minute to minute and sometimes I just don't want to think about it. I have someone saying I'm guilty by association of not telling the husband, someone saying I've got my head in the sand, and someone eluding to the fact that my sexual fantasies about my wife are partially to blame for her infidelity. I just want you to understand I'm not just OP. I'm a real person four days out from dealing with this shitshow. I come here because it's the only place I can go. People wonder why I don't want to tell the husband and it's because I don't want this to turn on me and be a defining moment of my life. Because I don't want to be judged. And the way I feel is if people can make me feel this shitty on an infidelity support group website how will people and friends who have never had to deal with cheating look at me. I probably will eventually tell this guy but I don't need to be pried and peer pressured into it. In not a puppet. And I feel as though some of you are on the wrong website you need to be on the he-man women haters club website. FUCK. I'm sorry if I'm being rude I just woke up feeling crazy and the stuff some of you said just made me feel like shit.

I don't need to be pried and peer pressured into it. In not a puppet. And I feel as though some of you are on the wrong website you need to be on the he-man women haters club website. FUCK. I'm sorry if I'm being rude I just woke up feeling crazy and the stuff some of you said just made me feel like shit.

Well at least your getting pissed and this (beleive it or not) is helpfull. YOU NEED TO GET OUT THAT ANGER, and if what you read gets you upset I'm sorry.. but you are dealing with peaple here that have been through shit like this, and they know what will happen if you dont start taking action.

If you are looking for someone who pity's you then just say so..... i dont think it's what you should want.

You don't want to tell the husband because you don't want it turning on you?!?!? DUDE! He and she just about destroyed your marriage! I mean, you're not out of the woods yet. You're still in shock over everything. You might wake up one day and decide that her betrayal is just too much.

Plus, don't you think that this husband has a right to know what kind of woman he's married to? If the shoe was on the other foot and this husband knew your wife slept with his and another man, wouldn't you want him to inform you? Don't you have the right to make an informed decision on what he wants to do with HIS marriage? I mean, you found out and now you're in the driver's seat whether to continue in the marriage or not. Doesn't he deserve to have that same right?

And this guy that slept with your wife. You're allowing him a free pass. He gets to have sex with your wife and the wife of his friend with absolutely NO consequences to his actions. You're letting him walk away scott free.

First I just want to say thank you to the understanding people that are being kind and giving me positive feedback.

Since this has happened to me I haven't been able to talk to anyone and this forum is the only thing that has come close to releasing the stress of my situation. I just want to let some of you know that you are not helping me. I understand that most of you think telling the husband is a good idea and in time I might but right now I'm just trying to deal with me. I never know how I'm going to feel minute to minute and sometimes I just don't want to think about it. I have someone saying I'm guilty by association of not telling the husband, someone saying I've got my head in the sand, and someone eluding to the fact that my sexual fantasies about my wife are partially to blame for her infidelity. I just want you to understand I'm not just OP. I'm a real person four days out from dealing with this shitshow. I come here because it's the only place I can go. People wonder why I don't want to tell the husband and it's because I don't want this to turn on me and be a defining moment of my life. Because I don't want to be judged. And the way I feel is if people can make me feel this shitty on an infidelity support group website how will people and friends who have never had to deal with cheating look at me. I probably will eventually tell this guy but I don't need to be pried and peer pressured into it. In not a puppet. And I feel as though some of you are on the wrong website you need to be on the he-man women haters club website. FUCK. I'm sorry if I'm being rude I just woke up feeling crazy and the stuff some of you said just made me feel like shit.

I hear ya. It is a tornado of shitstorm, ain't it? Hang in there. Keep your head where your feet are (meaning..stay in the present as much as you can). Like Hobbes, I think you're doing well; probably better than you think you're doing. Stay strong.

Keep posting.

I never said your fantasies are partially to blame for her infidelity. Her infidelity is 100% on her. What I was saying is the fact that you had entertained the topic or discussed it as a possibility planted the seed in her mind that it was a possibility or that boundaries are/were too loose as a result of those conversations and that was potentially one of the issues that led to this. Or maybe not. At the end of the day, however, it was her who cheated and crossed the line.

I will say something else. I know you are having a bad day but none of the people on this site know you, will ever know you and what happens to you has no impact on their lives. They are simply trying to help based ont heir unfortunate knowledge.Yet they know what they are talking about, moreso than you in dealing with these situations because they've been there before and know what works and what doesn't and have knowledge from hundreds of other cases as well. You can disagree with them but attacking them will only chase them away

Good luck to you.

[This message edited by Western at 1:14 PM, July 17th (Friday)]

Bees, I think your advise to me about pressing him for more details is spot on. I am obsessed with knowing every single dirty detail. I feel like I need all the facts so that I can decide if I am able to get passed it. I have this underlying fear that there is more, or that this was not a one night stand, and they are in a relationship. I know that if I find something like that out later, it will be an even more devastating blow if you can imagine that. As a side note I must say, that I am so jealous you got to punch someone Hang in there!