SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Bees, I felt like some were being too hard on me too. But in the end, some real life "friends" will not tell you how it is. And these folks will show you 10 different angles to look at things. The great thing about it, take what you want (advice) and leave what you don't. Everyone honestly means well though. We all see a piece of ourselves in your situation. And believe it or not, some of my harshest critics helped me to make tough choices.

RooMMate

Bees,

I completely understand how you feel. Your story and mine have a lot of similarities. The drinking, shared fantasies with my wife about having a threesome, together 10 years and married five when she had her ONS, her a stay-at-home mom with two young children, me a successful professional that provided everything for her and the kids, wife had too much to drink and just let herself give in to the feelings of the moment, wife came home and confessed to everything a few days later, etc. etc. (You can read all the details in my profile story if you want but be warned it contains TMI and is long. It may give you some insight into what to expect in the coming months). Anyway, be prepared for a lot of ups and downs for the next few months.

I had to get ALL the dirty details of my wife’s one-night-stand and then it took me several months to process them to the point where I would not feel the anger when I had flashes of her with the other man. I wrote it all down and then analyzed every facet to determine what could have possible resulted in her actually having the ONS.

It sounds like your wife is remorseful and is willing to put in the work to get through this together. I recommend you BOTH look for individual counseling to help you work through this. My wife and I waited about six months to start IC and that was a mistake. The IC was such a benefit for me. It helped to have someone to actually speak with about all that I was going through and keep me grounded. It also helped me realize how much good that is in my marriage and helped me forgive my wife.

As far as telling the other husband, that is not your concern at this point. The only person that betrayed you is your wife so you need to focus on fixing that relationship before you worry about anything else. I took a lot of flack on SI because I decided not to tell the wife of the man who slept with my wife but I still feel it was the right decision for me.

It sounds like you and your wife have a lot going for you. Keep posting and remember that many here on SI are well meaning but have difficulty freeing themselves from their own bias as a result of their own situations. You and I are in the minority in that our wives had one-night-stands and almost immediately confessed without trying to cover up their actions with lies. There are very few people on SI that can say that.

Betrayed thanks for the support. I started to read your story and I had to stop. It just brought my anger back up to 11. I'm not going to do anything stupid but I just want to fucking break this guy.

Whats up Bees

*thanks Brother - Fist Bump*

I got your back.

you can reach out anytime. Call, or whatever.

later, STEP.

You should get your wife to contact the husband of that woman to tell the truth of what went on .She was involved in the betrayal she needs to own up and by telling the husband it be a start .

Bees, I completely understand wanting to "just break this guy." So far he has suffered NO consequences. Unfortunately, when he does suffer, there is going to be collateral damage: his wife and family.

You're still in a great deal of shock and received a ton of "advice" quicker and with more stern honesty than you probably anticipated. I didn't find SI until six weeks after D-day. That was six weeks of me being pretty much on my own.

In those weeks after finding SI I started dozens of posts, often more than one a day. I was all over the place. One member here took a very active interest in my situation, because he identified with me and/or saw something of himself in me. Either way, the member went out of his way to look out for what I was writing and began to PM me on a very regular basis. He was "harsh" and at first his intensity alarmed me. Now, weeks later, I can tell you that he is one of the best friends I've ever had.

GENTLY: You're going to get a lot of "harsh" advice from the BHs here. Please understand, as a BH, I'm not at all concerned with your wife or your marriage. I am concerned with you and all the other husbands out there whose wives have become wayward. I've written hundreds of posts in just a matter of weeks and will say without reservation that I have filtered much of it for a great many reasons. We are all very different men, husbands in our own unique situations, with our own personalities and experiences. We haven't all come from the same mold (though a few BWs might disagree ) What might have worked for me might not work for you. But the underlying principles are identical. You are not unique, not special, is neither is your wife.

Look at the statistics, man. There are MILLIONS of BHs here in America. MILLIONS! And a nod to you BWs, its damn close to twice as many of you.

Is there a bit of rage behind our voices. Fuck yeah there is. Absolutely. I'm pissed off that my wife screwed another man, put our entire TEN YEARS of marriage and our entire future as a family in jeopardy for one sleazy fuck in a hotel room!

Get pissed, brother!

It hurts. I know. I've wept, sobbing, curled up in a fucking ball on the floor of the shower, in my car, closet, on the porch, in bed!!! Not even the death of my mother (which I knew was coming for years) compares to this shit.

My wife, my bride, the mother of my beautiful, brilliant son, threw this all away for a few hours of thrill.

You are going to get mad. And perhaps I've already pissed you off. Good. Embrace that anger. Let it out. Process it. Feel it! Tell me I'm wrong.

Tell the other betrayed spouse. Be an honorable man and do the right thing.

great post by Unhinged. Spot on.

I agree with keptgoing too though it will be tough for you to do. I would do that. Hell, I had to do that in 1996. And yes, I suffered at the hands of 2 ONS. And I was informed quickly.

Didn't make it any easier.

And this guy that slept with your wife. You're allowing him a free pass. He gets to have sex with your wife and the wife of his friend with absolutely NO consequences to his actions. You're letting him walk away scott free. ~crossbar

This paragraph is exactly the reason I just sent a facebook message to the husband asking him to meet me.

You're doing the right thing, Bees. This man will almost certainly hurt just as badly as you are right now, but you are not doing it to him. His wife did it to him, just as yours did it to you. He deserves to know what sort of woman he is married to.

I'm sorry you've had the occasion to join us here. This shit really does suck.

Good job, Bees. The Om deserves to know and the scumbag who they slept with deserves some consequence as does the woman who your wife did this with.

I applaud you for doing the right thing.

Follow through please

I agree Hopeless. The wife did this to him

[This message edited by Western at 7:50 PM, July 17th (Friday)]

What do you expect will happen by meeting OM?

Do you seriously want an assault charge on your record?

Do you seriously believe this guy will be honest about anything?

Blow up this guy's life!

Tell his wife everything you know. Stop this guy from fucking any more wives! Stop this guy from ever contacting or nailing your wife again. Give him something far more important to worry about. As a wise man once told me, if he's more concerned with saving his own ass he won't be so concerned with anyone else's.

He's not meeting the OM, he already punched the fucker in the face. He's meeting with the OBS of the other woman involved in the threesome. The other guy who was betrayed by his wife. Giving him the kindness of the truth.

Bees

Hey Deserta...

My fear is that by telling this guy, his wife might have nothing to lose and put my relationship on blast on social media...

I see you've already attempted to inform the other husband and I understand your point above, but is the other woman the type to do this and shame herself also?

Seeing that it has only been a few days since DDay you are doing remarkably well. Your wife seems truly remorseful and she confessed to you, which in itself is a rarity in infidelity. Once you get through the shock, disgust, anger, etc of the ONS you'll be able to think more clearly. You and your wife have one of the best chances at reconciliation I have seen here in a long time.

I know it's difficult, but try to ignore the posts that you don't agree with (including mine) and go with the ones that help. There are many people here coming from different experiences and approaches.

BTW - You made me feel better by punching him and I know it helped you.

BTW - You made me feel better by punching him and I know it helped you.

Won't deny that I'm rather jealous about that.

Just re-read some of the posts above. Good for you meeting this other BS. Good for you man. Awesome.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 10:29 AM, July 18th (Saturday)]

Beed

Cool, calm and collected wins the day.

Glad you are meeting with the other BS.

Maybe he knows maybe he doesn't.

The key is to ask him if he will keep his wife and her BF away from your wife.

Because next time you will not be nice.

Also realize you are cleaning up your W's mess. That is ok.

But ask her what she is going to do to show she is truly remorseful for cheating and what steps she is going to take to show you she wants you and the marriage to continue.

It is all about consequences in the end. And clear boundaries you both agree to while going forward with your marriage.

HM

Bees,

You are doing great. While you will get a lot of good advice on here, the end of the day, you have to absorb it all and figure out what your gut is telling you, and do what works best for you.

Everyone's situation is different. Everyone of us has a different personality, and is in a different mental state. What works and is good for one, wont work and be good for another...

Listen to your gut, and don't be peer pressured into doing stuff you will regret later.

Sounds like your wife is being more than remorseful. She did screw up big time, and it will take a long time to regain her trust, but it sounds as if you and her are on the right track.

Take your time, and you will get there. Time heals all, and the further away you get from D-day, and the more love, respect and honesty your wife shows you, the quicker your relationship will heal. I am 9 months from D-day, and like everyone on here, we have all been to hell and back, but if you have a fully remorseful wife, who proves she is faithful to you, there is a light and the end of the tunnel. You take care.

All I can say is that if my wife was at it, I would want someone to tell me.

The idea of walking round like a dick while people knew the truth would crush me.

I don't see anything wrong with letting someone you trust utterly get dolled up with her friends and have a girls night out on the town. I've never been jealous with my wife she just never worried me. I think it would be weird for me to be the fun police and tell her "you look way to hot to go to Buffalo Wild Wings". I just didnt have cheating on my mind and I'm pretty sure she didn't either.

Well, i guess you might be rethinking this statement for the near future. Forget your wife for a minute, where the fuck were the rest of her TRUSTWORTHY friends while all this was going on and when she disappeared with these two.

And lets assume that she has never done this before. You still going to feel so proud of her getting dolled up and running to a club with this crew??????

And by the way, the fact that she did not have it on her mind, which is undoubtedly true, just puts her into the same category as the other 99% of those that wind up doing this. All it takes is once.

I'd suggest she consider her GNO time in a nice restaurant to catch up with her friends or getting together for wine at someones house and not getting so doled up and running to a club with some friends that are acting like it is Spring break.

your call. Just a suggestion.

PS- Glad you kicked somebodys ass and did not get in trouble.

[This message edited by nononsense at 9:30 AM, July 19th (Sunday)]

How are you doing?

Best wishes

Well its been about four days since I posted anything. So basically I was having a really hard time the first week. I felt like I couldnt talk to anyone and It was just really hard to bottle it up. I got tired of being pissed off at home so saturday I called my brother and some of my single friends that live downtown and went out to party.

It helped a lot. I had a really fun time and it kept my mind busy to where I wasnt thinking about it too much. My only problem was I just didnt want to stop and come back to reality. I had my friend get me a bunch of blow so we could just keep it going. I basically just went on a bender all weekend and didnt sleep. It was good at first but by the time sunday afternoon came around I talked to my wife and everything just kind of spiraled out of control from there. I told my brother and my friend what happend.

I was a fucking mess. They were trying to consol me but I was in way too much pain. I went back to my brothers house and I couldnt stop sobbing. He decided it was time for me to tell my parents.

So we went to there house and told them everything. I could barely get it out I was so upset. But it felt so good.

This week has been my own personal hell and telling everyone was just such a huge wieght lifted off of me.

My parents and brother love my wife and they feel like she just fucked up. they told me ultimatley If we ended up getting a divorce they would completely support whatever decision I made.

But there opinion is they dont feel like she is a bad person and just got super fucked up and made a really bad decision.

Anyways after I talked to my parents I have been feeling so much better. If I start getting pissed or upset I can go talk to someone who loves me.

Monday night rolled around and we went to see a councler. I dont think I will be going back.

She isnt trying to put this on me or give my wife an excuse. Its not like that.

I feel like her ultimate goal is to be a place where my wife and I can facilite a open and healthy conversation with each other to process these events.

The thing is though I feel like my wife Is being open and honest about this situation from the start.

I know everyone has there own opinion about what kind of person my wife is but I dont care. At the end of the day ive always loved my wife and family and I dont have a doubt in my heart that she loves me just as much if not more than she ever has. Even though its really hard for me I have just come to terms that she made a mistake and it isnt going to cancel everything weve had.

If I didnt have kids could/would I divorce her? Maybe but I think it would be out of pride more than anything. I love my kids and I still love my wife. I know she is truely remorseful for the hurt she is putting me through. So my decision is the move forward and get this chapter behind us.

Also I told the other womans husband. This guy was so hard to track down. He was on facebook but never got on. I tried using his friends to get his cell phone number and they just ignored my messages. I finally figured out where he worked amd called him today. I told him i had some serious news to tell him. I told him to take a break from work and call me when he could. He called me 20 mins later. I asked him if he knew who I was or why I was calling. He had no idea. I told him what was going on. He didnt ask me any question. He abruplty told me thanks for telling him and tried to hang up. I told him to hold up a second and tell me in all honesty if he saw this coming or if his relastionship was on the rocks. He said no. I told him that he will probably be feeling a lot of things this week and if he wanted to call me or go out and get a beer Id be open to it. He just said ok and got off the phone. It was kind of wierd. He didnt ask questions. He just seemed like he wanted the conversation to be over as soon as it started.

Anyways thats what going on so far.