Thank you all for your thoughts -- as always lots to think about and consider...
T123,
I like your cancer analogy. I think it is especially applicable because at the inception of this affair was, at it's root, resentment. The resentment, like cancer, spread unchecked everywhere in our marriage.
I have done so much wrong in my marriage, as all of us do in our marriages. I was, at times, selfish, childish, uncaring, prideful, forgetful, unloving, uncaring, unhelpful, and mean. But by far most of the time I was not. I was a good husband and father, really working hard and trying hard to do what was best for us.
When Edith and I were married, she thought I could hang the moon. I was amazing. Of course, I'm not. I am just an imperfect person just trying to do the best I can. Her expectations of me, and herself, were such that she was doomed for severe disappointment. The failings I had developed resentment over unmet expectations. "You have such potential!" Everyone does. But the resentment built up with every passing year until it exploded in anger, frustration, and sadness. She pulled away from me and I her. I saw and felt her distancing herself from me to the point I could no longer reach her in a loving and considerate way.
Yesterday I opened a car door for her. She thanked me and told me she really appreciated it. I had stopped opening car doors for her years ago because she snapped at me once, "I can open my own car door, [NP5]!" I guess she was frustrated about something. Perhaps I thought she felt it was an insult, perhaps it was a feminism thing, perhaps she was resentful that I was out to sea for too long. I can't remember and perhaps I never knew. Anyway I stopped loving on her in that way, and a multitude of other ways as well.
So her resentment grew. I grew tired of being emotionally scarred, so I withdrew. She felt unloved because I withdrew and she became more resentful. Perhaps a lot of hardness and resentment came from her patients at times being brutal to her, or her employees stealing money or taking advantage of her... There are a million things.
So when someone new came, the lack of forgiveness made her vulnerable to OM driving a wedge between us saying, "I would never do this or that! I think he's manipulative or controlling! I believe one should be free of [NP5 action in the past] and follow one's dreams..." She was amazed that all he wanted to do was just talk to her, to be her friend! All he wanted to do was listen and support her... Never mind that she was beautiful and smart and rich. If all he wanted to do was talk, why not talk to the 1000's of other women he knew that were homely, poor, and lonely. Gosh, it just so happened that she was beautiful and rich and frustrated with her husband and the responsibilities of 5 children!
That was why Jesus said, "If you hold a grudge against your neighbor or your brother, go and make it right and forgive, then come back and worship." (I'm paraphrasing poorly I know). Jesus knew the destructive and caustic nature holding resentment and withholding forgiveness would have.
So, in hindsight, that was the start of it all. That is what I see as the foundation of the "why". She would not forgive me. And so she doomed our marriage to disaster.
And now it is I who holds the resentment.
She says now she is getting better every day. The rage and resentment is gone and she feels a veil has lifted and a weight is finally off her shoulders. Sure she physically feels better, but I believe it is primarily because her soul is no longer burdened by a legion of resentments. The affair enabled her to let them all go.
It's like I have soaked them all up from her like a sponge. It is I now who is burdened by resentment, sadness, disappointment, and anger. I cannot sleep or focus or rest or feel at peace.
I looked up the definition again for cuckold. Once upon a time, about 6 or 8 months ago someone called me a cuckold. I said that since all my children are assuredly mine and since my wife didn't have intercourse, I was not one. I defended her honor saying she would NOT do such a thing.
Now I know I am:
Cuckold -- noun. The husband of an adultress, often regarded as an object of derision.
As my IC tells me I am supposed to be moving from realization to acceptance, I wrote it down with a sharpie on a large sticky note. I put it on my mirror to help drive the point in. I am a cuckold, an object of derision. I am a cuckold, an object of derision...
Edith saw it and threw the sticky away. She told me later I am NOT a cuckold.
But I am. You made me this, Edith. You defined me as such. There is only three things that can change that fact: You die, I die, or we divorce. I don't like any of those choices. So I guess I will remain forevermore, her cuckold.
But the shame doesn't stop there. No, there are those men that at least can say they didn't know. Most men didn't know they were betrayed, and when they did, they had the courage to say, "You can stop the adultery or we are done!" There are those that decide to end the marriage immediately and only remain a cuckold for a short time.
Then there are those men that knew they were being betrayed, that knew their wives were with other men, that knew they were being abused yet stayed. For them there is another term:
Henpecked.
(of a woman) continually criticize and give orders to (her husband or other male partner).
synonyms: browbeaten, downtrodden, bullied, dominated, subjugated, oppressed, intimidated;
That fit me.
Ironic, that they are both terms from birds. Perhaps it is not.
I am a henpecked cuckold.
I saw her getting closer and closer. I failed to give myself enough respect to avoid what befell me. I was too loving, too trusting, too naïve, to believe my wife could do such a deed. But even before the affair, I allowed her to criticize me to such an extent, that she felt should could have an affair and tell me after she got off the phone with the OM, "If you don't let me have this friendship, we are over!" And so this henpecked cuckold listened attentively while she put me in my place, at the back of the pack, waiting for seconds.
I can't change the fact that I am a cuckold. My wife chose that for me. And as long as I am her husband, I will forevermore be just that.
But I can choose to have self respect. I can choose what I do and when I do it. I can choose to set boundaries and ask my wife to observe them.
It is a bitter pill. It sticks in my throat. Do I stay for my children? Do I stay for my comfortable life and the prestige of my position? Do I stay for my wife who holds me in such low regard that she can't give me the most basic respect? Why am I still here?
I guess I am still here because I want to give Edith just a bit more time to pull herself together. I want to give myself just a bid more time to set boundaries and enforce them. I am still trying to stand up straight and tall and say, "I deserve a wife who will treat me with love and respect. I deserve a wife who is loving to me and appreciates who I am and what I do."
If not, then perhaps I can shed the badge of cuckold and start anew.
[This message edited by notperfect5 at 12:59 AM, August 3rd (Monday)]
