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Need some help! I have been agonizing over this for a while now Over what happened at my fiancés bachelor party. I made it clear to everyone groom, best man, and all the other groomsman going that I did not want a stripper. The best man even went as far to look me in the eyes and promise no strippers.

my fiancé knew in my eyes a naked woman dancing in top of you putting her boobies in your face was cheating.

Fastforward to when he came home I found out one of the guys (a real gentleman) had left early from the weekend bachelor party. That sent a red flag to me because what man would want to leave a bachelor party early? I questioned my fiancé if there was a stripper. He admitted to their being one stripper and I flipped!

I could not beilieve that he would do this to me. I grilled him a bit and he said there was one stripper, she put him in the middle of the room and danced naked and that was it. a few days later I found out more…a lot more. Not only was there 1 there was 2 and they were not strippers but prostitues. (Prostitutes because they were paid to have oral with two of the guys) They ripped his clothes off, whipped him, rubbed oil on him, straddled him while he was naked, did whip cream races which means he licked from the top of her vagina all the way over her boob, did body shots from their bodies, and did a ring pop game. This game is where she puts a ring pop in his mouth and proceeds to rub it in and on her vagina, ass, and boobs. If you don’t know what a ring pop is look it up! There is no protection and I see no way that it isn’t giving oral sex. I found this out from the one who left early and did not partake in any of it. I was crushed. How could the man I would be marrying do this to me? When I calmly questioned him about these “games” he stuck with his story that there was one dancer. After a few days of tears, anger, and pain his best man finally convinced him to tell me. He did but of course said he stopped licking whip cream before her boob and he stopped the ring pop after 5 seconds when he relized what she was doing. I have resources that told me he did the ring pop for much longer than 5 seconds. I know for sure two guys got things done in a private room but besides that I do not know. He has summed everything up to the excuse that it was a bachelor party, he did not plan it, and it was forced on him. He says he was not thinking and is ashamed and sorry. He does not think it is cheating and either does many of the men I have talked to. My mom even tells me that I can't end our relationship based on what happened that one night. I am sorry but last time I checked a vagina you are putting something into with your mouth is cheating, stripper or not! I can’t stop thinking about this and whenever I look at him I just see a vagina in his face and it is not mine.

What at do I do? Marry a guy who lost my trust and is willing to to this before we are married or leave him? Plus, I feel there is more being hidden. I guess it is pretty common for these woman to give blow jobs, hand jobs, and even sex to guys especially the groom! We have a lie detector test set up today so I can ensure there was no blow jobs, hand jobs, or sex. But is this something that I should work through with him or something that shows the kind of man he is?

Sorry you have just joined the best club you never wanted to join, but glad you found us.

I have always loathed the concept of the bachelor(ette) party as a rule for these very reasons. It's the whole "what goes on in Vegas..." thing that is so offensive and just... ugly.

Always the excuses, there was alcohol, they made me do it, etc etc. yada yada yada.

So many boundaries shattered and trust broken, and your mom is on board with this?? Unbelievable.

You CAN choose to do whatever you like. It's your life these people are gambling with.

I'm sorry to say that you should be be immediately tested for STDs. You need to protect yourself.

And once the shock wears off that someone who supposedly loves and adores you can randomly engage in this type of behaviour, you will decide where your future lies.

It's a slippery slope and the only person who appears to be a friend of your future marriage is the guy who left early.

He's the classy one.

Big hugs. Your fiance has some serious soul searching to do, and so do you. It's not a great way to start a life together, especially considering he tried to lie and minimize his way out of it.

There is a saying around here, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 5:18 PM, August 1st (Saturday)]

It shows what kind of man he is and that he can tell boldfaced lies to your face. Very sad but good you found this out before M.

I would also be concerned about the fact that he doesn't appear to share your values?

Too bad these prostitutes couldnt be reported. He should also get std testing and you should as well. Both herpes and hpv can be passed just with genital contact.

Whoa! I say cancel/postpone the wedding NOW! This is a serious breach of your trust and must be addressed and worked through if there is any chance of a successful marriage. Don't just gloss over this.

His excuse that he "didn't plan it" might hold water if it had only been a stripper who only took her clothes off and then left. But that's not what happened. The strippers had him naked. They touched him. He touched them. In what universe does he think this is OK? And he thinks he's so noble because he stopped licking the whipped cream off of her before he got to her breasts? His tongue shouldn't have been anywhere on her body!

Please postpone things until you have gone through some serious counseling, both individually and together.

Brittany, you know what they say, when someone shows you their true colors believe them. I'm sure the majority of us saw red flags maybe not as clear as this but we ignored them and guess what years later in a marriage we're dealing with lying cheaters.

We don't want this to be you! You have the chance before marriage to see what's in store for you, if he thinks this was just a last hoorah he's confused what being loyal to a person is.

You don't need a piece of paper to all of the sudden get your morals and honesty on track, you either have them or you don't.

Please postpone the marriage and at least tell him you won't marry him until he sees a IC and you give him a longer time to get it together if at all.

You've got the opportunity now to save yourself and potential kids from a nightmare of infidelity down the road. Take advantage of the chance you've been given early on.

He is so weak that he can be made to perform disgusting sexual acts with a hooker.

Doesn't sound like the kind of man you would want to marry. He sounds like a total wanker.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you but glad you found out the truth before you mingled your life with this fool.

You have an opportunity to prevent an even bigger disaster. He could be cheating on you after you spent many years with him and have several kids and a house. Much more difficult to disentangle. Better to know now and change course than later.

I know that it is still very hard and comes as a great shock. There is still a lot of pain. I am so sorry. Get out now and prevent future heartache

this is disgusting, trashy behavior and you just can't say "boys will be boys", and, after all, he's getting married so he's all done after this, and so what everybody does it.

you're seriously offended and you should be. this is over the top rotten behavior. why make vows at an altar in front of your loved ones about fidelity, etc. when YOU KNOW he was part of this. just think, standing there, all doughey eyed, staring into each others eyes to make profound vows after you know this happend. and no doubt he didn't stop at all. he already did enough no matter what and it's time to seriously reconsider everything.

if any questions come up about why it's over, tell them straight out: i do not want to start a marriage after something like that.

be very, very careful. he'll do anything as long as the good old boys approve of it.

Reread these responses over and over again, let them sink in, your response to this is very rational as you were clear to your fiancee and his friends what you consider crossing bounderies! Hell, print out these responses and show them to your mother!

You need to get tested for STDs, what a way to begin a life together. Again, you were clear with your fiancee!

Don't let anyone tell you to blow this off because you're the one who is going to live with this resentment. You are not a prude in feeling this way and the acts you describe are not forgettable. Get the whole story and don't let up until you do.

Sending you {{{hugs}}} keep posting.

Just run to the closest exit. I don't mean to be harsh, but he lied, intentionally cheated, lied again, downplayed it,*before* you even got married. You are right to trust your gut. Your mom us different from you, you are going to spend the rest of your life with him, not anyone else. Infidelity takes 2-5 years, I'm 3 yrs out and it feels like yesterday sometimes. You'd rather spend the time finding someone worthy of your love, like the gentleman you knew who walked away at the beginning of the party. ((())) hang in there.

What a disgusting thing to do .. in the midst of celebration of an impending marriage to dishonor you in this way and expect you to walk down the aisle in front of all your friends and family after he blatantly did that shit??!! ugh

(((HUGS))) I know you must be feeling so torn right now and with the added pressure of a wedding, all the plans and feeling of pulling the plug ... but what choice has he left you? how are you supposed to feel walking down the aisle. He ruined it ..

Now you can make an informed decision about your future.

You do not share the same values. He broke trust. He lied then minimized (very bad signs).

(((HUGS)))

Redrawn, the asshat quote is priceless LOL, is it yours?

I wanted to bring smiles to all asshat lovers/survivors .. hehehe .. it was a quote I saw .. i just injected the word asshat in.

[This message edited by reddawn212 at 9:38 PM, August 1st (Saturday)]

Is the guy who left early single? Read around this forum., a lot of us here don't have the luxury of leaving because of financial realities. He showed you exactly who he is, are you listening? Trust your gut, calling off the wedding is a lot less painful than a divorce, especially if you have kids.

PS you sound like a very level headed young lady and (i really, really don't like to criticise someones mom,but in this case I'll make an exception,) she is wrong.

Some of us in here are ending decades of marriage based om what happened one night

No kids, but we do own a home together.

This is so hard. He has never done like anything like this before and he has been an amazing person to me before this. I just can seem to get past this even if it is an isolated incident.

Thank you for your comments. I feel like my mind is set on leaving him but I am still trying to convince my heart

But is this something that I should work through with him or something that shows the kind of man he is?

You ask two questions. For the first, only you can decide whether or not to stay with him and try to work this out. My xww had sex with the guy that was selling her speed while we were dating as college students. Countless online sex chats, giving our address to some BDSM character she was online with so he could visit when he came through town (we had two preteen kids!), spending more than I made, and who knows how many physical meetings later, I left, started rebuilding my life with $150 , work clothes, and a van to drive and sleep in for a week, and then divorced.

I'm still recovering financially. I will never retire with what I could have had she been just an average wife. Don't be me. I say, "Run! Run fast, run far!"

To your second question - every act shows the kind of man one is. The acts under high stress show what's really deep. He wasn't under high stress. This is how he celebrates. This is how he celebrates beginning a new life with you.

I spent twenty some years with the woman that I forgave. Don't make my mistake.

[This message edited by devotedman at 10:15 PM, August 1st, 2015 (Saturday)]

I would not marry him. I would at the very least post-pone the wedding. Fine bunch of friends he has there. If he and they have no respect for you now, they certainly won't later either.If their girlfriends did the things to a guy that those strippers did, you can believe they would say she cheated on them. A Bachelor party is no excuse.

Britney,

I'll give a little male perspective here. Your fiance was a shithead in a couple of ways

(1) obviously not being able to resist a little temptation even if he was telling the truth that he had no control over what his buddies did. Yes he could have told best man and groomsman not to have strippers

(2) the bigger issues was lying to you.

It jseems like these bachelor and bachelorettte parties have gotten out of hand lately for both sexes. I do hope none of the ladies so outraged by all of this ever attended a bachelorette party gleefully where male strippers were groped and given blow jobs.

There is no excuse for the way he handled it. I am not sure it means he is going to cheat on you so you have a big decision to make but you have every reason to be one super pissed off lady even if you stay and marry him

Good luck in whatever you decide.