SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm so sorry, Britney.

You have the truth now. (And he's STILL trying to lie about it)

Good call from Hobbes on the STD testing. I'm sure you'd like to believe this was the one and only time he's strayed, but you can't be too careful and I wouldn't trust WF any further than I can throw him at this point.

This is a blessing in disguise. If your mom doesn't get on board with you or takes his side or tries to rugsweep this, you're going to have to be firm with her and just tell her how it's going to be.

Your fiancé is going to try and Hoover you back. Be prepared in advance as to how you are going to handle those attempts. Maybe have a single sentence or two that you will lather, rinse, and repeat.

Keep posting. We are here to help.

I am so sorry. But you have been given the crystal ball so many of us here wish we had been given.

Is your fiance someone you can tie your life to? Maybe, but not now. He has some serious self-work to do. He is not a safe partner now.

I wish you the best and I'm glad you found SI. Take care of yourself right now and see your fiance for who he is. He's shown you that. Watch and see if he can become a safe partner.

Sorry, Britney.

It appears that there was more to his history than just the one night bachelor party.

First I must say that I agree with Nononsense. These bachelor/bachelorette parties are horrible nowadays. If it is not ok for him to have another woman shove her you know what in his face 6 months ago, it's not ok days before the wedding. I consider it cheating and betrayal and myself have left such parties back in the day when it started turning that way. As Nononsense said, I hope everyone commenting here has as well. I believe they probably did walk away like I did.

It is not only cheating but it is foul and abhorrent behavior for anyone in a serious relationship and I am both saddened for you but happy for you as well that you discovered this now and not after you got married. His friends and those who enable such behavior are not worthy of being in your life either.

I am also truly sorry that your Mom took the stand she did.

There was a similar story on another board where a guy's wife of 20 + years and with college age kids paid for the stripper at the bachelorette party of her sister and to add insult to injury, she gave the stripper a blow job. It's like something out of a sick porno site. He divorced her and was very decisive.

Therefore, I think you are right in leaving and I hope he cooperates in selling the house or buying it away from you. Good luck.

I was going to support breaking up but was going to say it's too bad, he sounds like a good guy who made a bad one time mistake. I guess that wasn't true either.

[This message edited by Western at 7:00 AM, August 3rd (Monday)]

Britney,

Your story resonated with me because when I was getting married about 15 years ago, my wife to be made the same exact request of me regarding my "bachelor party". She didn't like them in general and made it clear that she would not tolerate me being involved in one like you described. That was fine with me; not my sort of thing anyway. I had the most boring bachelor party ever. A few drinks with my brothers and some bowling, then home early.

What resonated with me is that given my fiance's request, I couldn't imagine doing it any other way. How could I marry her if I can't even respect her basic wishes. There's no way an honorable partner would approach a marriage by completely disregarding their fiance's request regarding a bachelor party, lie about their intentions regarding avoiding the offending behavior, and then lie again afterwards after they were caught. On top of that, the exposure to STDs and the "friends" who also could care less about the pending marriage.

I think you are making the correct decision to call it off. As many have said, better to call it off now, then years later when you are much more entwined with him. You now know what sort of person he really is.

I seriously doubt that those who are posting here and are outraged for you have participated in a bachelor/bachelorette party similar to this. I certainly havent, nor have I witnessed one.

My sister in law had a similar experience to you and it was horrible (days away from her wedding) having to see her go through the pain of betrayal. I tell you for us as a family, it was heartbreaking when we tryed to guide her in making an informed decision. She had booked the hall, bought the dress, wanted the big white wedding etc... So she married him anyway. They are now divorce and his behaviour was a predictor. His beliefs that their life should be filled with spurr of the moment fun contrasted with her need to feel safe and have a concrete plan for the future ( not sure if I'm making any sense).

Some may be able to excuses these behaviours as a "last night of freedom" and others can't. Your fiancee knew your feelings on this, you were clear with your boundaries. He chose to cross those boundaries and knew full well at the time how it would make you feel. It may or may not be a predictor of his future behaviour only you can figure this out by looking at the whole picture.

{{{Hugs}}}

I am so sorry this happened - at a bachelor party prior to your getting married.

If anything else, your fiance's behavior demonstrates that his values are not aligned with yours. His friend's values are not aligned with your values. He cannot respect a request you make of him (which, IMO are completely reasonable!) to show honor and respect for your relationship by not getting it on with a hooker/stripper. And he is so gutless that he 1) Can't say "no" to his friends and 2) Does not have the b*lls to tell you the truth.

At least you are finding this all out now!

((Britney))

I'm sorry you're going through this.

If your intent is to leave, there are things you need to be doing from a practical standpoint. First and foremost, make an appointment to get tested for STDs. It appears your fi has a history of behaviors like these. Secondly, figure out how to extricate yourself from the shared property, etc, which probably will involve gathering and making a copy of all your important financial documents for anything that's shared. You need a clear picture of your financial reality, then you need to sit down and figure out who keeps the house or if you should sell it, cancel joint credit cards, secure your own bank account, etc. Thirdly, I'd suggest contacting your wedding vendors and cancel- ask if any of the deposits are refundable. Fourth, I'd recommend surrounding yourself with people who will be supportive- make decisions based on YOUR best interests. Fifth, I know from experience that betrayal is shocking, please take care of yourself physically and emotionally- make sure you're eating as much as you can, drink plenty of water, get plenty of rest, and check into individual counselors (IC) in your area. A good IC will help you work through your emotions surrounding this betrayal in a safe, confidential environment. Lastly, lean on us here at SI as much as you need to.

(((Britney123)))

So sorry Britney.

Strippers were a part of the cheating my exWH did. Notice I said "ex", yeah, I left him, and that was a big part of why. I would suggest running for hills, but I'm biased...

Some people will say strippers and the like are no big deal (like your mother), but I completely disagree with that.

I also had made it clear at the beginning of our relationship how I felt about strippers and going to strip clubs. Deal breaker. I have some background in working for these clubs (not as a stripper) and I know how much "extras" go on on a routine basis.

The silver lining in your situation is that there was actually a man at that sleeze-fest who was man enough to walk away. That gives me hope that there are more like him in the world. Maybe it can give you hope as well.

I know and I do agree with whoever said women act the same way at bachelorette parties. I'm not okay with that either. A couple of years ago I was invited to a bday party where there was going to be male strippers. I asked exWH at the time how he felt, and even expressed being uncomfortable about it. He convinced me to go and have a good time. ha, probably because he had gone behind my back to strip clubs. Anyway, I went, and it was stupid and cheesy and yeah, inappropriate for anyone who was not single. I did not participate at all. The male stripper had women in the party sit on a chair, and he grinded all over them, they touched him and put money in his thong or whatever that thing was, they put money in their panties and bra (basically he went up their skirts and down their shirts with his mouth to get it) so he had to bite it out with this mouth to get it, they also put money around their neck so he had to basically bite and lick their necks to get it. I just found it stupid. I don't get for a second wanting to have a physical sexual encounter with someone who's basically "open to the public". I like sex way to much to cheapen it and water it down like that.

I am glad you decided to leave him. He didn't blow the stripper questions because he was thinking about something else. He blew the stripper questions because he lied about the stripper questions. I would definitely not marry this creep. He is already cheating on you before you are even married. What would have happened after you had been married a few years and he started getting bored or when you two had kids and he doesn't like the demands of parenting? Even when he is busted with a polygraph test, he continues to try to lie about it. He is just way too comfortable with lying and denying while admitting to only what he absolutely can not deny. His behavior is giving you a glimpse of what the rest of your life with him would look like. All I can say is run away from this creep as fast as you can.

I am sorry he isn't the person you though he was and I am sorry that it goes deeper with other transgressions and lies.

I hope your mother is seeing the light with the new information and supporting you 100%.

As the others have said, drink water, try to eat and to sleep. I hope you have a friends and family that will support you as your detach from him.

It all sucks.

Hey kiddo,

You are way too good for this guy. As others have said repeatedly, in a way, you're fortunate because you've been giving a warning before you've married him.

I had a warning that I ignored with my first husband, because the hall was booked, dress bought, relatives arrived...and we ended up divorced over his physical abuse. He beat my dog the day before our wedding, and I rationalized away his behavior. Guess what? Left untreated, most people exhibiting poor behaviors grow worse, not better, over time. He went from beating the dog to beating me.

In summary:

You told him your boundaries and he broke them. Big time.

He "blame shifted" - refused to take responsibility for his behavior.

You found out and he lied. You found out more and he lied some more.

He thinks this is not cheating, and you think it's clearly cheating, so the gap between your morals and his is huge.

He flunked a polygraph and lied some more.

Kiddo, I think you should walk away with dignity and respect for yourself. If you marry him, you will always wonder about his behavior and he's shown he's quite willing to go a long way in lying about it. Most men do NOT act this way, and you deserve much better. Your head knows it.

Getting a good IC to help you keep your resolve is a great idea.

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry. Your gut is telling you to leave, which you said you decided to, and it will be worth it. Whether or not you work it out later, you don't need to be married right now trying to figure that out. Read my tagline; I would have killed to have found out before the vows. Instead, I found out almost four months AFTER, but he had cheated before we married. It literally made me sick that I found out too late.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Others have brought this up and I agree that he will try to pull you back in. I also wouldn't be surprised if he acts like the victim if you call off the wedding.

Remember you are responsible for taking care of YOU. You don't need for him to understand your feelings (he won't). You don't need to convince him that what he did was wrong (he won't be). How he deals with your decision is not your problem. But be prepared so you don't get sucked into drama and confusion.

As for the wedding, how are your bridesmaids supporting you? Do they know what's going on? Can they take over any (or all) of the logistics?

Big hugs. You will get lots of support here.

His story is he was thinking about another situation that he was not truthful about during our relationship. He ended up being pulled into another woman's house and into her bedroom. She laid on her bed asked for it but he told her he can't and walked away.

What an absolute load of tripe. Does he think you were born yesterday.

Where do women go round pulling men off the street and into their homes. My word he's insulting your intelligence.

I'm sorry that this happened to you. You should have been on cloud 9 with the wedding and looking forward to a life together, but he's blown that away.

He went way too far with the stripper and a bachelor's party is NOT an opportunity to cheat or engage in sexual activity before you get married.

My brother was at my H's bachelor party, so I knew nothing like would happen.

You're spot on, they weren't strippers, they were hookers. He ignored your very clear wishes and it would only get worse.

Where there is smoke, there is fire. Please, do not marry this guy. This is just the tip of the iceberg. If you marry him, he will cheat again but this time you will have more entanglements and possibly children. You don't want to end up like us, dealing with kids back and forth between two houses.

Your only entanglement right now is the house, right? Maybe talk to a real estate laywer and see what you need to do about getting out of that.

I am so sorry you're here Britney, but glad that you've found such a supportive group. People here are really amazing

Please, get yourself STD tested. Now. And again in a few months to confirm things.

I am glad for you that you are leaving. he has shown you who he is. He will do as he wishes, justifying to himself and to you (after the lies are uncovered) that he's just the "victim" and it's not his fault

As solus said - lost deposits are nothing compared to a marriage of lies, wondering who the next person to "pull" him into sex is, and all the more difficult legal and financial entanglements that come with marriage.

More happened with the stripper than he told you. His friends not just encouraged this, but they helped him lie, paid for the prostitute strippers to come in, and encouraged the entire thing. They were likely cheering him on as it happened .

He failed every question with the stripper but still can't even own up to what happened with her. Instead, he admits there has been at least one other instance! Which he again was a "victim" of.

Hugs to you, I am so sorry you find yourself here.

Honestly, I'd rather be marrying the guy who went home early and NOT the guy who sucks ring pops out of a prostitutes vj. I'm so sorry you're here hon, but rest assured you're in good company. Keep reading and re-reading the advice you're being given ESPECIALLY in regards to STD testing. Good luck to you however you decide to go.

My sisters fiancé did the exact same thing at his bachelor party.

They spent two years married and she ended up an alcoholic and divorced. She is now picking up the pieces of her once idyllic life and at rock bottom.

His behavior during the bachelor party and after was disgusting. He did not respect her and neither did his friends.

He had his "guys" life and then his married life and anytime she questioned he made her feel stupid for even having issues with it.

He is still lying to you. And he thinks he can.

Cut and run. You deserve better.

Just further evidence that this stuff does indeed happen...and has been witnessed by some on SI.

When I was in college, my neighbor across the alley had a bachelor party. What drew my attention was the loud music...and the open curtains. There were 20 or so dudes and the "strippers." By the time I looked out of the window in annoyance (big exam the next day), they were nearly completely stripped. They then proceeded to start blowing the groom right there in front of everybody. Not sure how a person could...<ahem> arrive in front of 20 buddies, but maybe that's just me. I could not believe it! It was so completely disgusting.

Pull your bitch boots up and walk away proudly, honey! You deserve better than lies and exposure to STD's from this moron.

What a buffoon this guy is. He's the only guy in history to go into a poly test and end up lying and somehow making that lie further implicate him into additional infidelity.

You need to break up with this guy not because he's been cheating on you, but because it's your moral imperative as a human to remove this dude from the gene pool.