SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

my mind is set on leaving him but I am still trying to convince my heart

The heart follows the head at a distance. It's always playing catch up.

Item 11 of the BS FAQ, in The Healing Library, yellow box, upper left helps you distance yourself a bit so that you can get some perspective on the situation. It doesn't magically fix your relationship, nothing can do that. It just gives you some thinking room.

His always having been good to you is only true as long as his own good time hasn't been impacted. He feels okay lying to you. That's the biggest problem of all. When the going gets tough, he lies...

Think about that.

Man, from experience I agree with FaithFool, your fiance has a lot of digging to do because there are so many red flags wrapped into this evening.

I was just like you and declared no strippers for WH bachelor party and from what I know, there wasn't and he did not lie about his bachelor party BUT he lied about his friends' bachelor parties both before and after we were married. He would only tell me some of the story, I would hear more from other girlfriends and wives. He would then only tell me basically what they said, but still not the whole truth. I would be mad, we would discuss it and I thought we were on the same page. It wasn't until our dday hit years down the road did I realize he had been lying by omission our entire marriage in regards to work, friends, how he felt, etc.

That is why your post calls to me because some of the largest red flags in hindsight were bachelor parties or anytime he was out with the boys golfing, at the bar, or hanging out. His phone would suddenly not have "reception" or the battery died so couldn't tell me they went to another bar or he told me after the fact that they decided to golf 18 holes instead of 9, that he was just going to go and grab one drink then leave, but instead grabbed dinner and came home drunk, wouldn't answer his phone when I would call, the bruise was from jumping into the lake to get his golf ball (Nope. It was from being whipped by a stripper) or that his friend ordered the stripper for himself and of course he stayed in the kitchen while she was there.

So not only does your fiance need to dig, but you do too. Is this out of the blue or are there other flags? Do you have regular disagreements if so, what are they about? Do they follow a theme? How do you two communicate? How do you argue? Is he conflict avoidant and/or passive aggressive? Does he listen and make changes when there are issues or just tell you what you want to hear and continue the behavior? These aren't for you to tell us, but for you to really look at your relationship under a microscope.

My WS had slept with his COW once and our dday was basically the next day. When I went to IC, I was flabbergasted that this one event had me reeling, because wasn't it just a one time thing? My IC told me that it would take a long time to work through because if I think back I would realize this wasn't the first time he lied to me, so it wasn't me mourning 45 minutes, I was mourning our entire 12 year relationship. It was an AH HAH moment for me, because the IC was right.

What I did not know prior to getting married was all the baggage WS carried, he hid it from me and I naively accepted that he was all together. I won't go into it, but in short he longed to be accepted, he did not want to disappoint anyone, therefore, was a chameleon in social situations. If the boys were going to the strip club, so was he. He hadn't ever really thought about what his values were or what he wanted to represent, he always followed. If you would have met him, you would think was confident even cocky, but it was a mask, he didn't want anyone to call him out. This led to him hiding himself from him, never being intimate, never being utterly honest, because what if I rejected him? So yeah, he avoided anything that would start a real discussion and for the most part went along with things. Little did I know that throughout the years, it started to spiral and he began to resent me and that I was somehow holding him back from having fun, from letting him work as much as he wanted, etc. We were in a parent-child relationship and I had no idea.

Therefore, knowing that you did not approve or want to start your life with him this way, but he went along with it anyway is something he needs to dig into. I get there is peer pressure, but at some point you have to be mature and confident with yourself to walk away or ask your pals to knock it off.

You are ahead of this spiral, take advantage of it! This is one of the biggest decision you will make in your life and now you have more information on the table BEFORE you marry. Take your time even if you have to postpone the marriage, because if you feel like you are on a timeline and have to make a decision by a certain date, it will be under stress. This takes a lot of time to process even if he is remorseful.

Sorry you are here. Both of you need to get tested for STDS.

Edited to add: We owned a home prior to marriage as well and shortly after moving in was one of the bachelor parties that he lied about. When I found out more information, we had a huge talk and he insured me he understood that we were going to get marriage and that there would be no secrets. I gave him a pass because we weren't married yet. I was pregnant the next time he went to a bachelor party. He came home and told me "everything". A few days later, at a dinner party the bachelor party was being discussed and I found out that he did not give me all the details. Of course, I acted like I had known, but I could see WS getting nervous. So yeah, sitting there as the pregnant wife hearing about the bachelor party adventures was embarrassing.I felt like I should have ran the first time when we just had a house, but now we were expecting a kid.

I know my story is not your story and my WS is not your wayward fiance, so don't just sweep this under the rug, unfortunately there is always more to it.

[This message edited by ILINIA at 12:21 AM, August 2nd (Sunday)]

What the fuck, Britney? I don't even know you and I know you deserve a better guy than this asshat.

If it had been one week before or one week after the bachelor party would you be blowing it off or having turmoil about your decision?

This fucked ip idea that there is some sort of invisible shield of protection around bachelor(ette) parties just pisses me off. It is NOT a license to cheat, no matter what anyone thinks.

Your heart will catch up with your head.

Fuck that guy.

[This message edited by nekorb at 2:12 AM, August 2nd (Sunday)]

Your trust was broken. To me, that's the biggest issue and hardest thing to get past. Cancel the wedding, do the 180 and maybe reevaluate in a few months. The heart will catch up, I promise.

The point being that YOU told him that this was not OK with you. You told him this ahead of time. Some couples are OK with it, some are not. Doesn't matter if it is male or female strippers, if one person tells the other that they are not comfortable with something then that is all that matters.

And now after the fact it is STIll really bothering you, it was something that was a hard line with you and he crossed it. Betrayal is not only the act of what they have done, it is the cover up and lies after the fact. Believe us when we tell you that there were huge red flags many of us decided to forgive to keep the person we thought we loved, and when we looked back we feel stupid that we knew and still accepted it.

So this is up to you. It is your choice and your life, and this all happened right before you are supposed to walk down the aisle and invitations have been sent out and the party is planned....we can't answer this for you as we know what a horrible place this has put you in.

I would postpone....

My wh had a big stripper bash for his bachelor party 20 years ago actually lead by my FIL and his friends. He had just turned 21 the weekend before so it was a big ole bash with limo, strip clubs, lots of alcohol, etc. I didn't like it, but I was young and naive. In hindsight it did not set a good precedence for our marriage. 16 months ago was my dday and was when I was awoken to all of his bad boundaries, lying tendencies, etc. My husband is "a good guy". He's a great dad, etc. But his immaturity, sneaky behavior, and not being able to stand up for himself in situations make a great guy not so great. He is working on himself now, but it took our whole world crashing down to make him realize everything.

I would postpone the wedding and take some time to work on this before you marry.

He has shown you who he truly is. Perhaps in time, with many years of therapy etc. he'll change and become emotionally healthy, stable, safe, honest, a man of integrity, but at the moment he's very far from that. Even if he puts in the effort, there's a high chance that after a few years you'll figure it this was indeed a dealbreaker, that it was never good again or he might cheat again.

What's certain is that he outright ignored your boundary of no strippers (he wasn't "forced", he could have walked out), he had physical contact with the prostitutes, he put your physical health at risk (STDs etc.), he continiously lied to you and still doesn't show remorse or accountability.

If you stay with him, you're marrying an emotional child/teen, who is immature, who is not accountable or remorseful, who doesn't respect you, your boundaries or your health.

You are still very young, you don't have kids with him. House can be sold.

I strongly encourage you to seek a good counsellor with experience in infidelity and PTSD, to help you deal with the shock of betrayal etc. Also, continue talking to us! I wouldn't want you spending the next 2-5 years on giving him another chance, while you could spend that time fully healing yourself and then finding someone who already is emotionally healthy, stable, mature, safe and with whom your relationship will not be tainted and trust broken.

Best wishes

I wish I had the insight into my STBX bachelor party. I knew they ended up at a strip club although he refused to tell me the truth. To this day I bet if I asked (if we were even talking that is) he would lie. I always wondered if anything happened.

I will however say that after DDay1 I was even more concerned and after DDay2 I'm sure something did. When something like this happens it causes you to look at EVERY instance where things didn't quite add up and/or left you feeling like some key piece if info is missing.

Please do not marry him yet. Give yourself time to work through this alone and with him. Watch his actions now and pay no attention to his words. Right now they mean shit. As someone else said think back over your relationship both dating and engaged. Is there anything that you would have questioned but didn't want to, or did and he played it off like it was nothing.

I so wish (if anything did I'll never know) that I had the insight you are "lucky" enough to have been given. This could very well be the life you are in for if either of you sweep this under the rug.

Take your time, there's no rush to marry. Take care of you first.

My husband confessed to me after our marriage that he had been to strip clubs. When he saw how disgusted I was,he promised me he will never go again. I had to give him a chance as he had gone before marriage and not after. Now, 13 years later, I find out my entire marriage was a lie. He was in a strip club within 10 months of our marriage and every opportunity he got. I wish I knew the first time, then at least I would have walked out on him then and my innocent 10 year old wouldn't be in this mess.

Please, please walk away. Don't make the mistake of marrying somebody who doesn't share your values. You will find a guy like the one who left early. We are all rooting for you!

My answer is this, he needs to be tested for stds, incase he got bodily fluids in his mouth from his innocent games with these "pros". If you need to be tested for stds if you have exchanged bodily fluids since his encounters with "pros".

I think when you realize his one night of innocent games could give you aids, stds that can cause infertility if you didn't know to get checked and got pelvic inflammatory infection, then you would know what to consider.

I would really print out the info on pelvic inflammatory infection and show him what his lies could have done. Let's be honest, strippers do not exchange body fluids from the vjay, hookers do.

I personally would with no children say about an std test, one and done. I know that doesn't fix your heart but I never knew what pain was till I had my daughter crying over her daddy's cheating.

Read lilies21 thread in divicorce and separation.

I'm so sorry. Your head is telling you the right thing. Please listen.

Here's the thing. He completely disrespected you and the commitment you have made to each other. But his FRIENDS also disrespected you and that commitment, and he accepted,and allowed that disrespect from them and showed,them that he felt the same way.

THEN, and this is the big one, he lied to you, repeatedly. He lied again in the face of evidence and again in the face of more evidence. He is still lying and withholding information since you said you have independent evidence that he still denies. This is called gaslighting. Everyone here is familiar with it.

When a person who is supposed to love you, be committed to you and protect you deceives you, puts your health at risk, allows his besties to be disrespectful to you and lie to you, and then, tries to convince you that your thinking is somehow at fault or that reality is not real, that is NOT love.

Gently, how do you know, in light of his demonstrated ability to make bad decisions and lie to you convincingly and consistently, how do you know that this is the first time and he's never done anything like this before? How can you know?

I can assure you that most of us didn't discover infidelity that just leaped suddenly out of nowhere in complete contradiction to who our WS was before--even if we thought that at first. There is almost always a history of small and large omissions and lies that helped facilitate secret, unilateral decision making when they thought we wouldn't "let" them do what they wanted or when they decided our objections were controlling, prudish, whatever.

To me, that is the deeper issue for you to consider. He knew exactly how you felt but he decided that you didn't get to make that call or have input. HE did. He decided that your objections were less important than what he or his friends wanted to do--and THIS is what he/they wanted: to lick prostitutes and play porno games with them. He also decided that it was fine to lie to you about it and continue to lie when he got busted.

Is this really who you want to commit your life to and marry? Please know that it will be far worse and far more difficult to get out when you catch him in the next lie. And if he lies so easily and about such important things, there will be lots more. Listen to your head.

(ETA, because I hit send early).

[This message edited by NowWhat106 at 1:15 PM, August 2nd (Sunday)]

Sadly, he's shown you who he is. He's shown you that "fun" and peer pressure--doing what he wants to do, regardless of commitment to you--is more important than his word. That, really, his friends and hookers (hookers! think of the disease potential!) are more important, given the "right" circumstances, than you.

He's shown you who he is. Believe him.

I would not marry him--not now. I might postpone indefinitely, with the aim of reconciliation. But unless he demonstrated real remorse and empathy for me mighty fast, that possibility would be withdrawn.

Life is too short to stay with a man who does not value you.

Lost deposits are nothing compared to years lost to a man incapable of giving, to his spouse and marriage, what is required.

I would at least postpone the wedding for now. Give yourself some time to think, unless you are absolutely sure. If you are sure now, go ahead and end the whole thing and walk away while it's still relatively easy.

When something like this happens it causes you to look at EVERY instance where things didn't quite add up

^^^^This.

Prior to Dday, there were two instances that I'm VERY leary of NOW, but at the time my WH made light of. What is now considered to be OW1 may in reality be OW3, but I think the first 2 would have been only EAs, but who the hell knows at this point?

You don't need this, Britney. We know it's hard. But it's so, so much harder to push yourself through this and find yourself getting divorced in a few short years.

My husband had the most boring bachelor party on record...as told to me by my brother..whos been to his share of bachelor parties ! What he was doing while we were engaged ( without my knowledge) and after we were married is another story. Count your blessings there was a real man who witnessed this and was willing to give you the heads up...run dont walk to the nearest exit...im so sorry.

Thank you everyone. I decided today that I need to leave. We got the lie detector test results back. After I left he told the guy not to send me the results that he wanted to be the one to tell me. Well, he failed all questions.msex, blow job, hand job with the "strippers", any sexual situations in our engagement.

Has anyone ever used lie detector tests?

His story is he was thinking about another situation that he was not truthful about during our relationship. He ended up being pulled into another woman's house and into her bedroom. She laid on her bed asked for it but he told her he can't and walked away. That is his reason for failing the lie detector test regarding more sexual activity with the strippers.

My head is in a whirlwind. all I can think is lies...lies...lies..

Wow! Am I amazed at how far he is going with this.

That made my stomach turn.

I married in my early 20s and so did most of my friends. There were lots of wild bachelor and bachelorette parties in those years when we were all getting married. My STBX didn't care if I saw male strippers but I did care if he saw females. Because of MY morals I more than once showed up late or left early from a bachelorette party gone a bit too wild. My point being if his morals were the same as yours nothing else would matter and he wouldn't have participated.

I have to agree with others who said RUN. He might be the most loving man ever and you may have thought he was your soul mate, but he went against your request and LIED to you about it. He is not a safe partner. If this is how he acts now, how will you ever trust him when life gets challenging later.

I'm so sorry you are here.

In sorry you had to find us. But consider it a blessing. A house is easier to separate then a marriage and kids if you decide to stay with someone like him. Clearly you never thought he would do something like that, just as much as we didn't think our partners would. I'm about a year and a half from dday and I still have major trust issues with my WH. I still think about the A and I still think about what I shouldve, could've, wouldve said/done differently. It's a mental anguish especially when you think about the kids and your life in general. Save yourself the further heartbreak and move on away from him. You deserve someone better. Hugs girl

Has anyone ever used lie detector tests?

Yes, I did after I spent months trying to get my WH to admit to having sex with his AP. He finally confessed the night/early morning of his polygraph test. He passed the test.

he failed all questions.msex, blow job, hand job with the "strippers", any sexual situations in our engagement.

I'm sorry. But, now you know who he really is and can save yourself a lot of pain and heartache in the future.

Did you get the written report from the polygrapher? It's important to have that even if he told you he failed.

His story is he was thinking about another situation that he was not truthful about during our relationship. He ended up being pulled into another woman's house and into her bedroom. She laid on her bed asked for it but he told her he can't and walked away. That is his reason for failing the lie detector test regarding more sexual activity with the strippers.

This is BS. He's gaslighting. Don't fall for it. Just walk away. Again, I'm so sorry.

I'm glad you got (closer to) the truth. I support your decision to walk away from him.

Keep talking to us, so we can help and support on your path of healing! I also encourage you to get a good IC and to get tested for STDs.

Best wishes!